Hello, winklett,

Here is a review for your "Breathing" , which I came across at the side of the page.

Comments and Observations:

What a treat, however a very sad one. This elegy you wrote after your sister is skillfully constructed (as always with your work), intimate, and mature.

The opening is powerful with simple diction and rhythm, which points to the heart of the poem. "For you it is always hard // labor, the fall and the rise" I'm especially in awe of what you did with “Hard labor;.” It points to both breathing’s physical effort and the slow work of dying. The enjambment works beautifully, as if the line itself is inhaling and exhaling.

Added to this, your following lines show your sharp observation in detail. "the way your hand shakes//like a winter limb//and takes another ciggy//to your lips..."

The winter imagery is elegant and it is somehow grounded in the situation of your subject and you : decay, trembling, the sensing of the inevitable.

Even more poetic yet, the poem is not overly sentimental, although it weeps inwardly, but it watches on the outside. This type of watching heightens the sense of grief.

Then, you make your sister's mortality somehow universal, in a philosophical turn. "executioners abound - genetics, fire, time, // in your case, self" These lines are clean but devastating in effect.

At the end, the closing softens. And it is still honest. “the rise and fall” appears again showing the breath motif perfectly, as the understated address “sis” hits hard.

I loved it, the enjambment, layering, the way you voiced your grief, the restraint, the letting go at the end, and the depth of it all.

And as powerful as your poem is, I'm so sorry that you had (have) to go through such a grief.

Suggestions on the text as to grammar, usage, and punctuation

I have nothing to say in this area.

Best wishes with your work.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .