Hi there,

Thank you for sharing The Tower with me again. I enjoyed stepping into the world you’re building, and I can see the imagination and effort that went into creating a dark, mysterious atmosphere. The misty forest, the uneasy caravan, and especially the discovery of the burned riders all had strong visual impact and gave the story a cinematic feel. You clearly have a gift for eerie imagery and high-fantasy concepts.

I believe this is the third or fourth time I’ve reviewed this work.

I want to encourage you, but at this point, I need to be honest: I don’t see much improvement. Simply fixing the errors I’ve pointed out isn’t enough to get this piece where it needs to be.

My honest general assessment is 5 out of 10. That reflects very low improvement.

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What’s Working Well:
1. Atmosphere & Tone – The ominous tone is consistent and helps build tension throughout the story.
2. Imaginative Setting – Vivid locations like the misty woods, ruined towers, and burned clearings give the story a strong visual backdrop.
3. Mythic Undertones – Mysterious beings, visions, magical artifacts, and prophetic dreams add depth and intrigue.
4. Character Potential – Tevaria, Debra, and Bernia show potential, especially with the hints of transformation and Debra’s connection to the tower.

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What Needs Work:

Grammar and Mechanics
• Sentence Fragments & Run-ons
• Example: “Tevaria was seated with the lead of the caravan they were talking.”
• Correction: “Tevaria sat with the leader of the caravan. They were talking.”
• Verb Tense Confusion
• You switch between past and present tense often.
• Example: “Tevaria said, ‘The being with pointed ears exists…’”
• Correction: Keep it consistent: “…existed…”
• Punctuation Errors
• Missing or misused quotation marks, misplaced commas.
• Example: ‘Tevaria said,”I see.’ → Should be: “Tevaria said, ‘I see.’”
• Capitalization
• Random caps (e.g., “AS,” “BEEN”) and inconsistent name formatting.
• Spelling Errors
• “Bl;ue” → blue
• “Bernie;s” → Bernie’s
• “Preistess” → priestess
• “Bushs” → bushes
• “Hie breastplate” → his breastplate
• Homophones
• Look up homophones (e.g., knew vs new).

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Clarity and Coherence
This is critical. You must master this to make the story work.
• Disjointed Sentences
• Example: “Her mother seemed to think they had something to worry about…” (Repeated idea)
• Repetitive Statements
• Some ideas are repeated without new info (e.g., Tevaria dismissing warnings more than once).
• Unclear Dialogue Attribution
• Hard to tell who is speaking in some scenes.
• Poor Transitions
• Scenes shift abruptly, making the story hard to follow.

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Structure and Storytelling
• Overuse of Passive Voice
• Example: “She was seated…” → Use: “She sat…”
• Paragraph Cohesion
• Paragraphs often mix multiple ideas or characters.
• Stick to one idea per paragraph.
• Character Voice
• All characters speak similarly. Try to give them distinct voices.
• Pacing
• Some scenes drag (e.g., battlefield), while others skip over important moments (e.g., Bernia’s transformation).

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Consistency and Logic
• Character Names
• You use “Bernia,” “Bernie,” and “Bern.” Pick one and stick with it. This is about clarity and planning.
• Worldbuilding
• Introduce fantasy elements gradually. If these creatures are unknown, why do people fear them?
• Dialogue
• Some lines are stiff or overly formal.
• Example: “There has to be a reason, though,” Tavara said…
• Better: “There must be a reason,” Tevaria said, sipping his tea.
• Show, don’t tell.

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Style and Flow
• Description Placement
• Some physical descriptions show up during intense moments, which disrupts pacing.
• Sentence Variety
• Too many sentences follow the same pattern. Vary sentence length and structure.
• Word Choice
• Avoid clichés or confusing phrases like “wide eyes narrowed to a pinprick.”
• Character Thoughts
• Thoughts often read like narration. Make them feel more natural.

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Suggestions for Next Steps:
1. Revise in Stages – Work on grammar first, then structure, then pacing.
2. Outline Your Plot – A basic outline will help keep your events and characters organized.
3. Use a Style Guide – Consider using something like Strunk & White or Chicago Manual of Style.
4. Read Aloud – Helps catch awkward phrasing and confusing dialogue.
5. Beta Readers / Critique Partners – I recommend finding someone else to give feedback. I can’t continue to do this, as I’m working on my own book.

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A Final Note on Worldbuilding:

Writers often overlook how much planning is needed to create a believable world. Ask yourself:
• What does it look like?
• What’s the weather like?
• What creatures live there? Where? Why?
• What are their origins, roles, beliefs?

Creatures, like characters, need to feel real to the writer if they’re going to feel real to the reader.

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Thank you again for sharing.

You clearly have a rich imagination, and there’s a lot of potential in your world. The atmosphere and supernatural elements are compelling. But there’s still a lot of work ahead to make the story truly successful.

You can do it. Don’t rush. And consider finding a writing partner to bounce ideas off—it can really help pull the pieces together.

Best wishes,
Tee



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .