Hello,

I discovered your item in connection with the Angel Army's "Earn the Badge" challenge, and would like to offer the following feedback for your consideration.


Positives

This was a really evocative, impactful poem. The resonance of the subject matter, especially with the structure of the last stanza was really powerful.


Suggestions

There were a few points where I think the language could have been finessed a little. For example, in the second line of the second stanza, "Tell my Mom I did my best" might have flowed a little better.

Also, the line about telling his sister not to be upset because "her brother will not rise after this sunset" was a little confusing. All of the other lines seemed to follow logically from one another (i.e., dad won't get tension from him anymore, his brother will get the keys to his bike, etc.), but it's unclear why his sister wouldn't be upset by the idea that her brother has died. It's a little unclear what the intention of that line was.


Overall

Overall, I thought you did a good job with this piece. Nice work!


I hope you've found this review helpful.

Sincerely,

Jeff
"Rating & Reviewing Philosophy" 

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .