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Review #4847329
Viewing a review of:
 A Kick to the Ribs (Episode 1) Open in new Window. [13+]
A young man wakes up beaten, confused, and at the mercy of his captor.
by GreenLion93 Author Icon
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#4847329
Review by TeeGateM Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)

Review of: {item: 2332238}
Okay, you got me — this pulled me in right away. I’m sitting here actually wondering why was he kidnapped? So clearly, whatever you’re doing is working.

I really like how you dropped us straight into
the confusion and pain. The blurred vision, the taste of blood, the panic — it all felt real without being overdone. And that moment when the kidnapper mentions Chloe? Oh my goodness, that instantly raised every alarm bell in my head. I could feel the character’s dread right along with him.

Your pacing is tight, the tension is steady, and the voice feels genuine. I’m already invested and wanting answers, which means you did your job well.

Just wanted you to know — this opening hooked me, and now I’m curious to see where you take it. Keep going.

A couple of suggestions:

“My head spins and I can barely see straight.”
Technically correct, but you may want a comma after spins:
My head spins, and I can barely see straight.

“What the hell is happening.”
Should end with a question mark:
What the hell is happening?

“The thick musty air makes it almost impossible to breath”
breath should be breathe (verb).

“Tongue, teeth - everything’s still there.”
Use an em dash or colon:
Tongue, teeth — everything’s still there.
or
Tongue, teeth: everything’s still there.

“‘Heh… you idiot.’ the man sneered.”
Dialogue punctuation error. Tag should be capitalized or the quote should end with a comma:
“Heh… you idiot,” the man sneered.
or
“Heh… you idiot.” The man sneered.

“Warmth washes over me as my body gives out.”
No error — noting that “warmth” is often associated with comfort, though here it means collapse. Not wrong; just something to consider. When someone faints they often feel heat just before and you got that right. Consider a word change, maybe heat?

This is good. Keep writing.
Kind wishes,
Tee


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