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Comedy: September 19, 2018 Issue [#9126]

 This week: Milk Run
  Edited by: Robert Waltz
                             More Newsletters By This Editor  

Table of Contents

1. About this Newsletter
2. A Word from our Sponsor
3. Letter from the Editor
4. Editor's Picks
5. A Word from Writing.Com
6. Ask & Answer
7. Removal instructions

About This Newsletter

A corpse is meat gone bad. Well and what's cheese? Corpse of milk.
         -James Joyce

Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer.
         -Arnold Schwarzenegger

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
         -Woody Allen

Word from our sponsor

Amazon's Price: $ 19.99

Letter from the editor

I don't understand humans, so maybe you can explain this to me.

A hurricane is coming. You have a couple days' notice. Within minutes of the announcement, you descend upon the closest supermarket and buy essentials. Milk and bread are sold out faster than tickets to a Jimmy Buffett concert.

Bread, okay, I can see that. But milk? The first thing that happens when a hurricane approaches is the first touch of a breeze blows a twig onto a power line, knocking out electricity to a five-state area. This means your refrigerator quits working. And once the refrigerator quits working, the six gallons of milk you just had to buy from the grocery store go bad in approximately three minutes and twenty-seven point five seconds.

I've been wondering about this for some time. I see it before snowstorms, too, but that at least makes sense because when your power goes out, you can stuff the dairy products into a snowdrift. I've tried asking some humans before, but they just looked at me like I'm some creature from another planet or something.

So, really - why the milk? Are you planning to harness the 100 mph winds to run it through a butter churn? But you were just at the store where you could have bought butter - which has the advantage of lasting longer once the power goes out, as well as being useful for the bread you just hoarded. Similarly, some types of cheese tend to stay edible, and that's at the store too.

Seriously, here's a list of things that it makes more sense to buy than milk:

*Bullet* literally everything that's not sold out of a cooler

Please. Tell me. I need to know.

Editor's Picks

Some funnies for your next hurricane:

 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor

 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor

 Night of the Living Lord  [13+]
A parody of biblical proportions.
by Ferdinand Lamure

 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor

 Muses Can't Be Housebroken  [E]
The eternal struggle between writer and Muse.
by DakotaSkye

 Anniversary Story  [18+]
It's a story.
by MalkieriWarrior

 Grooty Grouser  [E]
Playing with slang words!
by Maxamilium

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Word from Writing.Com

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Ask & Answer

Last time, in "Peaches, I talked about peach fuzz.

Dragyn : If you really want Vegemite, I’m sure you can arrange for a friend to send you some. *Smirk*

         No, that's okay. I have... my own source. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Monty : It was harder to rake your nails when you had the slate board at each individual desk. That's what my Dad said.

         No fun when everyone can do it.

Quick-Quill : I get it! Its one of the things that keep me from buying loads of peaches. I used to and canned them. I also froze them. Psst! too much work. I still have some canned peaches on the shelf. I need to make a cobbler. I don't like the fuzz either, but I wash them well and rub some of it off. I rarely eat a peach off a tree. I don't live near a peach orchard, I'd have to drive.....

         All sounds too much like work for me.

Mumsy Spins : Peach fuzz is cool ... but plum skin is from the devil! Sweet plum flesh, horrible, tart skin. Nothing funny about that at all.

         But hey, at least they're not cherries, right?

Elfin Dragon - contest hunting : Ah those chalkboards. LOL. I actually miss the smell of chalk and the sound they made as the teacher wrote on the board. Now it's this strange ink smell and squeak as the pen marks on the whiteboard. It's just not the same. Plus I have a low tolerance for certain smells. By the end of a class (depending on how much it's used) I end up with a migraine. So much for modern marvels.

         Still, there's something to be said for finding permanent marker, sneaking in and drawing, say, a male organ on the whiteboard.

And that's it for me for September! See you next month. Until then,


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