The Birds and The Bees

Lynn receives some unexpected and confusing news.

3rd Place Winner "Make Me Laugh HOLIDAY Shorts Contest"  round 49


Authors note: The names have been changed to protect the innocent,(my friend who went in to have kidney stones removed and discovered she was pregnant. Hey Angie…oops, I mean Lynn, *wink wink*) I wasn’t there for the conversation, but I imagine it may have gone a little like this…

The Birds and The Bees

“What do you mean I’m pregnant?!” Lynn almost screamed the words. She looked at the doctor as though he were Christopher Columbus announcing to the queen that the world was round.

Echoing her thoughts Dan said, “Pregnant? As in a baby?” The word baby stuck in his throat and came out sounding a little strangled. Just a moment ago he’d been standing next to her hospital bed, but at the doctors unexpected announcement he’d sat down in the chair with a resounding thud. “That kind of pregnant?”

“As if there’s any other kind.” Lynn said, annoyed with her boyfriend.

“I take it you weren’t expecting that.” The doctor said with a laugh. When he didn’t get a response back he cleared his throat and went on. “Before we do any kind of surgery we do a series of tests to be sure that it’s safe to proceed. A pregnancy test is one of them and it’s conclusive. You’re pregnant.”

At Lynn’s blank look he continued, “We could run the test again if you like, but…”

“How could this happen?” Lynn asked.

“Must have been when we went to Mexico.” Dan said.

“Ah, yes,” the doctor said, “many a pregnancy has begun in Mexico.”

“But I didn’t drink the water!” Lynn said, her voice beginning to sound shrill. “They say don’t drink the water, so I didn’t!”

“Umm, excuse me?” the doctor asked, looking confused.

“Must have been the tequila.” Dan said. “Did you swallow the worm?”

“I don’t think so__umm, no, I don’t think so.”

“Sit on any toilets?”

“Squatted.”

“You two do know what causes pregnancy don’t you?” the doctor asked.

Ignoring the doctor, Dan said, “Are you sure you didn’t sit down just once? Maybe you got a cramp?”

“Nope, I squatted. Strong legs.”

“You’re what, twenty-seven years old?” the doctor asked, looking at Lynn’s chart. “You do know the birds and the bees don’t you?”

“Bees!” Lynn said with a start. “I got stung by a bee just last week! Could that have caused it?”

“Are you pulling my leg?” the doctor asked, clearly confused.

“Couldn’t have been the bee.” Dan said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yep. Queen Bee.”

“Oh,” Lynn said as though that cleared everything up. The doctor on the other hand was pinching himself, sure that he must be dreaming.

“Well I don’t know then,” Lynn said. “How could this have happened?”

“I still think it was Mexico.” Dan said. “Maybe that day on the beach.”

“Oh, that day.” Lynn said, turning red. “I thought we weren’t going to mention that anymore.”

“I know,” Dan said, but we have to figure this out.

“But it was only my first time.”

“I know,” Dan said, “but it only takes one time.”

“And we didn’t do it very long.”

“Not through any fault of mine.”

“It just wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be.”

“Still,” Dan said, “that must have been it.”

“Finally,” the doctor said, relieved to have returned from the twilight zone.

“It made me feel creepy.” Lynn continued.

“All right!” Dan snapped. “I promised I wouldn’t make you do it again.”

“I’m sorry,” Lynn said, “It’s just that thing kept bumping into me…”

“Ah, well,” the doctor said, beginning to feel uncomfortable.

“I know it wasn’t very big,” Lynn said, “but it felt huge!”

“Well, now that that’s settled,” the doctor said, trying to change the subject.

“And I swear it bit me!”

“It was just a nip.” Dan said. “That’s what fish do.”

“Pardon?” the doctor said, feeling himself be pulled back down the rabbit hole.

“Fish.” Dan said. “We’d gone skinny dipping, but the fish made her feel a little squeamish. I’d always loved swimming in the ocean, but she hated it.”

“Fish? Fish!”

“Yeah,” Lynn said. “Skinny dipping always sounded like so much fun, but it’s not!”

By now the doctor had lost his patience. “Fish can not make you pregnant! Neither can bees or drinking water…not even Mexican water, and most definitely not sitting on toilets! SEX! Sex is what makes you pregnant! Did you have SEX in Mexico?”

Lynn and Dan looked at each other, puzzled. “Well yeah,” Lynn said, “but they say what happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico.”

Word Count:703 {not including title}