If You Only Knew The Truth

I was one who always strayed from man to man, never happy, just seeking to find one that would love me and accept my kids and be there for them. I battled this for years.

Me and an ol highschool friend would set and talk about finding that "perfect someone", our soulmate.

One day after many discussions reguarding men, she told me of this prayer that she had found titled "Prayer for a soulmate".

I remember reading it that night, for she had given me a copy, although I felt a little childish.

She had called me a few days later stating that the boy down the street had been talking to her. We had many many conversations reguarding Brad, the boy down the street that she absolutely adored but thought that he would never have anything to do with her.

Well, about 3 days later, my parents were stiring up a plan I didn't know about, but my step-father had hired a new boy to work with him, and a few weeks had went by and my mom kept saying stuff about this boy.

"I think he is a good boy"

"He is a good hard worker"

"I think he has a thing for you"

Many days I seen him as I looked out the glass of my screen door, wanting to look him in the eye but I was scared to because I didn't want him to see me smile and embarass me.

My Parents suggested I meet him and we could talk for a few.
That night I met him at my parents house and my step-father made some hot wings and they drank.

From that night...that moment , we were inseperable!
I didn't find him all that attractive at first, he was short and a lil chubby and wore glasses, but the connection between us was undescribable!
I felt like a lil school girl. I fell in love with him, every part of him.
We talked for hours and hours and when my lips touched his I felt it all...it was incrediable! We spent every moment together. I let myself fall so hard. He was perfect in every way to me, he treated my children wonderfully. Soon we
moved into together. I think now that we moved way to fast, but it was fun, exciting, the best time in my life and I don't regret it one bit! Now I just wish that we would have taken our time so things would have worked out, thats all!

The first 7 months or so was great, everything was perfect.
I cooked dinner, and he helped me.
Everyday I couldn't wait to come home to him.
I would come home and start dinner, and he'd come in from work and we would just stand in the kitchen lips and arms locked around eachother, we were so happy in love! The feelings I felt at those times are feelings I've never ever felt with anyone else!

Everything as I said was perfect, however
I guess nothing is really what it seems, or as perfect as it appears to be!
When you meet someone it takes awhile to get to know them and what they are about! Sometimes you discover things that you don't quite like, but depending on the extent of love you have for them is what test whether or not you can deal with it! Michael never knew me, the real me, I was embarrassed to reveal the deepest side of me, my feelings, my struggles with life. My struggles with myself, and my relationships.On a quite side of me I was somewhat depressed with myself and he helped me improve myself, the way that I felt, because near him, I felt like I was on top of the world!

I have always been much of a nightowl and I also struggle with balance in life, the balance you keep between friends, work, play, family and such. I spent so much time thinking on something that it never got done. Its a problem I have. I did at first however do everything as I felt it should be. Anyway, when it comes to being a nightowl, I do most of my cleaning at night for it has always been easier to do while the kids were asleep and our troubles first started because I wanted to clean my car out at midnight one night. It was really messy and I never could find the time to clean it out so I just got sick of driving in a trash can so I wanted to clean it and I couldnt' sleep so I did. He thought I was being sneaky and trying to call somebody else or cheat or something, but really it was innocent and I was just cleaning out my car. It went down hill from there.

A few weeks later I noticed he had a temper, which I tried to work with.
I tried to get him into anger managment classes
I tried to get him to the doctor to see somebody.
I tried everything, he had bloodpressure problems accompanied with severe headaches.
I was with him all the way through it!
We spend nights discussing how we became to have the problems we have today, and I opened up to him and told him about my struggle with life and my medical condition.

After about 8 or 9 months we moved into my parents house and took over the payments so they could buy a house somewhere else. We were really good for months and then gradually over time he began being controlling and telling what to do and what to buy, where to go, who to see and really just pushing me away causing me to resent him. I guess he never really learned that relationships are really good until the newness wears off and you figure out eachother and one anothers faults. He began to think that since things weren't the same anymore, I guess he assumed I was cheating on him. Although I would never, and I tried everything to prove him wrong. So, in attempt to convince or give him a wake up call, I wrote him a letter one night telling him he needed to leave for I couldnt deal with somebody not trusting me. That I loved him more than he would ever know and he had no reason to feel that I would betray him. So, he cried the next to me, he actually cried real tears and told me how much I had hurt him by writing the letter, but he didn't know how much he hurt me by doubting the love that I felt for him that consumed my world! He was my everything and didn't know it! So he left and went back home and was gone for a few days.
On a few nights later he showed up at my door, and I let him in, he asked if he could talk to me and I replied "yes".
He sat quietly at the kitchen table and asked me to set down.
So, I did so and he took me by the hands
He said "Cheranda, I love you more than anything and this has got to work out, I can't live without you guys and I have been misrable. My heart dropped, and I was so happy because I felt the same way! I was misrable without him too! I tried to explain to him why we were having the problems we were having and what part of his behavior caused me to do what I did.
Things would be better and as time went on, more and more came about!
He started losing his patients with the kids and saying mean things!
He would make belittling comments to me that only dragged me down, for I already had a problem with depression!
I was sinking further and further away from myself. I was misrable for I was walking on egg shells 24-7. I couldn't please him no matter what I did!
I tried to be there for him as a friend, but when I confided in him all i got was negative comments or him belittling me. I felt really hurt and betrayed, for I went out of my way to help him and be there for him in his time of sorrow but he couldn't find enough compassion to understand me.
So as months go by we still continued to struggle being happy with eachother. We were misrable with and misrable without! I kicked him out about once a month, but I just didn't know what to do because I loved him so much but couldn't convince him how much! I couldnt earn his trust no matter what!
Each time he came home we would stand in the kitchen and love eachother and talk about it and we would cry together, for we both had issues to overcome but couldnt seem to find commonground.
I did my best to teach him what I was knowledgable in.
I tried to help him because he was my everything along with my children!
I was torn in between my kids and the love of my life.
He didn't understand my methods of disipline and suggested I was not whooping my kids hard enough!