The Middle of Nowhere

         Shea stepped out of the back door and took a seat on the steps.  The noise from the party was getting to her, and she thought a breath of fresh air might do her good.  She lit a cigarette and closed her eyes, trying to forget everything.  A cool breeze washed over her face.  She took it in as best she could.  Only the sound of the wind in the trees entered her ears.  She felt alone, finally.

            Kieran had been looking all over and at last spotted her sitting there.  "Shea?"  She turned to him.  "Smoking?  I've never seen you do that before.  What else have you been hiding from me?"  He grinned.

            "I'm madly in love with you, but I don't know how to tell you," she said dryly and took another drag.  Kieran knew she was joking, but the way she said it bothered him.  He took a seat next to her, wanting to put his arms around her.

            "How're you doing?"

            "I'm all right I guess.  It's just . . ." She shook her head.

            "What?"

            "I just thought I could come here tonight, have fun and forget about James.  But no matter how much I drink . . ."

            "--or smoke . . ."

            ". . . I can't get him out of my mind."

            He hesitated, "Do you miss him?"

            "Hell no!  He's an ass.  I hope I never see him again."  She dropped the butt to the ground and killed it with her sneaker.

            "I'm sorry, Shea."

            "Don't be.  I'm glad it's over. It's good that it's over.  I'm tired of being played for a fool."

            Another breeze came and Shea stood to welcome it, wrapping her arms about her shoulders.  "Mmm."

            "It does feel good."  He rose from his seat to join her.  He couldn't help himself; he couldn't take his eyes off her face.  She caught him staring.

            "What's up?"

            "Nothing."

            "Then why were you staring at me?"

            "I'm proud of you…"  She looked at him confused.  "…because of James.  I didn't think you'd ever leave him."

            "He didn't leave me much choice."  She returned to her seat on the steps.  "God, I feel like I've wasted a year of my life."

            Kieran sat down beside her.  "No, don't think of it that way."

            "What do you mean?"

            "I mean, well...hell, I don't know."  He surrendered a laugh at himself.  "I just don't want you sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.  You were happy most of the time."  Shea gave him a look.  He corrected himself, "Okay, you were happy some of the time, in the beginning."

            "People are always happy in the beginning, aren't they?" she wondered.

            "Yeah, I guess that's true."  Kieran agreed.  "I don't like seeing you like this, Shea; you're too strong to let such bullshit get you down.  You're a better person than he is.  You always were."

            "Oh, don't do that," Shea said shaking her head.

            "Do what?"

            "Don't say I'm 'better' than him, because I'm not, you know?"  She looked at Kieran and smiled.  "I'm just as confused as the next guy.  I just didn't act on it."  Kieran didn't really know what that meant, but he didn't care.  This was the most Shea had opened up about James in the week since they broke up.  His head was filled with his own thoughts too, and that was a lot to handle.  Shea interrupted his thoughts, "God, I wish I had another cigarette."

            "Do you want me to go find you one?" he asked.

            "No."  She leaned against him.  "I don't really mean it."  Then she laughed.  "At least, I don't think I do."  Then something dawned on her.  "Hey, Kieran, why did you say you never thought I'd leave James?"

            Kieran literally squirmed in his seat.  "I thought you could do better. He should have been nicer to you."  He paused, thinking.  "It was little things I picked up on, you know?"  He had Shea's full attention now.  "James always seemed to be in control, the decision maker.  He had a way of taking from you but never giving much in return."

            "You're right.  I felt that way too.  Like somehow he always talked me into doing what he wanted, because what he wanted was more important."  She looked at Kieran, "I really was a fool, wasn't I?"

            He could kiss her, right now, but what would she do?  "You're not being fair to yourself.  James is the one who screwed up, remember?"

         "Yes, I know." Shea ran her hands through her hair, and then asked, “Why didn’t you ever bring this up? You know, how you felt about him?”

         Kieran shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. I guess part of me thought you knew what you were doing, and part of me thought I might come off as a jealous jackass.”

         “Jealous?” Shea asked. “Really?”

         Kieran looked away from her.

         “Kieran?” She wanted him to look at her again. “Were you jealous of James?” she asked.

         His palms were starting to sweat a little and he wiped them on his jeans. He tried to recover, “I didn’t want to interfere too much, you know. I was trying to be a good friend.”

         “But were you jealous?” she asked again.

         He smiled, but it was a nervous smile. “Yes, of course.” He told her. “I’m always jealous of people who get to spend more time with you than me.”

         Shea smiled, and he put his arm around her, pulling her closer.  She rested a hand on his thigh. Kieran nuzzled his face into her hair and gave her a kiss on her head.

          She was feeling better, and told him so.

            "Good, I'm glad."  He saw Shea was smiling, which brought a smile to his lips too.  He wanted to tell her more but chose instead to enjoy the moment that had just passed between them.  They sat next to each other and looked up at the night sky.  He wasn't sure where they were, but he knew the city was far away.  There were too many stars.

            "Hey," she interrupted, "do you want to go back to the party?"

            "If you want to," Kieran answered.  Shea leaned against him for another moment, and then rose from the steps, taking one last deep breath.  A dog pushed its way past her, disappearing into the crowd.  She entered the party like she had left it, unobserved.  Kieran followed.  The mix of the music and crowd made noise.  They both smiled and waved as needed, passing through the crowd.  Occasionally one added a "Hey! How ya doin'? Good to see you," but never stopping long enough for a real conversation.  Kieran leaned toward her ear, "I'll get beer and meet you upstairs.  Johnny's room."  She agreed and made her way to the stairs.  At the top, she bumped into Rachel and Johnny coming out of the bathroom.  They were laughing.

            "What're you guys up to?"  They just looked at each other, smiling and laughing.

            "Oh, nothing," Rachel said. "Right, Johnny?"

            "Yep."

            "Weirdoes.  I bet you were doing it."

            "Yep," he said and kissed Rachel’s cheek.  Then he asked, "Where's Kieran?"

            "Getting beer.  We were coming to find you."

            "Oh yeah?"

            "We knew you had dope," Shea said smiling.

            "Of course!"  Johnny said.  "Follow me into the pitfalls of hell," he said pointing to a sign on the door.  It read, "Johnny's Room."

         As Rachel passed him, she said, "Ooo, I can feel the evil."  Johnny promptly grabbed her ass. Rachel squealed with laughter.

         "Yes, intimidating," said Shea.  Johnny grabbed her ass, too. Shea shrieked, which made Johnny laugh.

         He turned and saw Kieran climbing the stairs.  He closed the door, leaving only a small crack to say, "Hey!  You've got five seconds to get your ass in here.  1. . . 2. . 3. .4 - 5!"  He slammed the door in Kieran's face.  "Oh well, sorry man.  I guess you can suck the smoke from under the door."

            "Piss off!"

            Johnny opened the door.  "What's your problem?"

            "Stacy. She grabbed my dick.  I was walking through the crowd, beers in hand.  She just grabbed me. Hard too."  Johnny couldn't stop laughing.  He knew the girl. She had slept with everyone.  She wanted Kieran so badly but he hated her.  "Shut up Johnny!"

            "Sorry,"  he said, still laughing.  He slapped his hand on his friend's shoulder.  "If it makes you feel any better, she grabbed me in the kitchen."


            They were sitting on the floor.  Johnny was rolling a joint.  Kieran was searching the CD's.  Shea wanted to know why Rachel and Johnny were having sex in the bathroom.

            Rachel shrugged her shoulders then said, "We felt like it."

            "But why not in here, in his room?" Shea asked.

            "Where's the fun in that?"  Rachel wondered.

            "Do you guys do it at every party you go to?"  Kieran asked.

            "Yes." Rachel smiled.

            "Always in the bathroom?" asked Shea.

            "Nope," Johnny answered and grinned.

            "That's enough.  I don't want to know anymore," Shea said with a laugh.

            Kieran took over.  "So Johnny, how does it feel being in the house you grew up in?  Any childhood flashbacks?"

            "Oh, hell yeah.  You know what's funny is I don't think anything has changed.  The pictures, the furniture, everything looks the same, is in the same place.  It's actually kind of surreal."

            "How come you never brought us here before?"  Shea asked.

            "My parents never left me a key before."

            Kieran found what he was looking for.  He put the CD in, hit play, and adjusted the volume.  They all sat and listened.  Johnny lit the newly rolled joint, and he made sure it was burning before he passed it.
 
            "So Kieran, what is this?"  Rachel asked.

            "It's Mingus."

            "Who?"

            "Charles Mingus."

            "Oh," she said, still not knowing.

            "What's the name of the song?"

            "'The Shoes of the Fisherman's Wife Are Some Jive Ass Slippers'."

            "What kind of name is that?"

            He shrugged.  "I have no idea."

         "Hey, Johnny, whose dog is that?"  Shea asked.

            "You mean that big, fat, fuck of a dog?  It's the neighbor's."

            "Yeah, they used to have a cat, but the dog ate it."  Rachel laughed. “You think I’m joking.”  As the joint continued around, Rachel said, "You know, Johnny, I love the way you throw a party and then hide in your room all night."

              "I haven't been in here all night.  Just while we're smokin'.  Besides, why would I want to hang out with those people?"
 
              "You invited them, I figured they're your friends."

         "I only know about half of them." He laughed. "And if they're my friends, they're nothing but a bunch of freaks and perverts."

         "Where does that leave us?"  Rachel wondered.

              "In the middle of nowhere," Shea answered.  She rose from the group, left the room, and went to the bathroom.

              Rachel took another hit from the joint then followed her and waited by the door.  She knocked and said, "Hey, it's me.  Can I come in?"  Shea pulled her thoughts from outside the bathroom window to answer the door.  "I just wanted to see how you were doing."

            Shea lowered the toilet lid and sat down.  "I'm okay."  She smiled.  "I had a great conversation with Kieran earlier."

         "As usual," Rachel interjected.

         Shea continued, "I was actually feeling better.  But then my mind just got stuck on James again, and it’s hard to stop being angry.  I guess I'll add this to my baggage, right?"

         "Yes, but try to leave it at the station.  Don't carry it on the train."

         "Maybe I should lay off men for awhile," Shea said.

            "Really?  Girl, you must be stoned.  You don’t usually get so down about a guy. Usually you get right back into the swing of things."

            "Yeah, and I keep messing up.  Maybe I need a break."

            Rachel told her, "You know, Shea, it's not your fault."

            She smiled then said, "I was the perfect girlfriend right?"

         "No, of course not.  Who the hell is?  But you didn't lie, you didn't cheat.  Remember that," Rachel said.
 
         Shea took a drink of her beer, ran a hand through her hair, then looked out the window.  "I wonder how I didn't see it happening."  She looked over to Rachel, "Any ideas?"

         "You trusted him.  You're like that."

         "I should've picked up on something," Shea said more to herself than Rachel.

         "You’re thinking about this way too much. Guys like James are good at being jerks. They’re good with smoke and mirrors. You know?” Rachel said.

         “I know you’re right. I know I should let it go and get on with getting over it,” Shea told her.

         “Then why are you trying to blame yourself?" Rachel asked.

         "I'm not."

         "Yes, Shea, you are.  You're acting like you did something wrong.  Your only mistake was putting your faith in the wrong guy.  James is the asshole.  James is the one who cheated."

         "I know, Rachel.  I know.  I just can't help feeling I've been suckered. Know what I mean?  It makes me angry…then I feel foolish, then I think…why am I even wasting my energy on this?"

         "Exactly!  There are so many men out there who would be happy to help you forget about James."  Rachel grinned.
 
            "Yeah, but I don’t want to go from James to James to James. I want a nice guy who can make me laugh.”

         “Who’s good in bed,” Rachel added.

         “Who can be trusted," Shea said.

          “A nice guy, who makes you laugh, who’s good in bed, who won’t treat you like shit,” Rachel thought out loud.

         “Is it too much to ask for a relationship where I can just be myself, flaws and all?” Shea wondered. “It seems so simple, but it’s so hard to find.” Shea looked at Rachel. “You have that with Johnny, don’t you?” Shea asked.

         “Yes, I do,” Rachel answered. “Flaws and all,” she repeated and then smiled.  She took a moment to think and drink her beer.  "Think of anyone yet?"

            Shea got fed up quickly, "Oh, fuck this! What am I worried about?"  Rachel shrugged and continued drinking. Shea ranted on, "What do I need a man for?  I'll be fine."

            "Yeah, sure." Rachel waved a hand at her, acting nonchalantly.
 
            "I'll be all right."  Shea sighed, "Besides, I've got Kieran."

            "Kieran?  Interesting that you mention him,” Rachel said.

            "I didn't mean it like that."

            "Didn't you?"  Rachel teased.  Shea shook her head and then stopped.
 
         The very idea…she pictured him above her…of being with Kieran, sent a shock wave through her body.  She couldn't deny it.  "Okay, so maybe I've had thoughts."  Rachel’s eyes brightened up.  "And I swear I thought he was going to kiss me earlier tonight when we were talking,” Shea told her.

         “Are you serious?” Rachel asked.

         “Very serious. He looked at me, and well, you know that feeling, and you wait for it, but he didn’t,” Shea explained.

         “Did you want him to?” Rachel asked.

         Shea only had to think about it for a second. “Yes. I did.” Shea smiled and so did Rachel. “But Rach, don't you think this is a little too contrived?"

          "No, are you kidding?"  Rachel laughed.  "I think this is a great idea."  She looked at Shea.  "C'mon, you want this, deep down.  I mean…don't you?  You think about how he makes your insides light up, or some crap like that.  And you might even picture you two having sex.  Does it look funny, or does it look right?  Or maybe you're wondering if you can really do this.  Can you really go through with it knowing what it might lead to? Am I right?"

            Shea suddenly felt confused.  She didn't know anymore. She looked at Rachel dazed.  "Could you get me a cigarette?  I think I need cigarette."

            Rachel wanted one too, so she returned to the bedroom.  It was filled with smoke.  "You guys should open a window.  It stinks in here."
     
            "Where's Shea?"  Johnny asked.

            "She's in the bathroom."

            "Is she sick or something?"  Kieran wanted to know.

            "No, we were talking, and we needed some smokes.  That's all."

          Rachel grabbed a pack of cigarettes off the floor. Johnny said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, get out of here.  Us men are talking too, about really important stuff."  Johnny waved her towards the door.

            "Like what?  Tits and ass, tits and ass.  And maybe your tiny little dicks!"  She laughed and left the room before they could answer.

            Kieran smiled.  "And you say you're happy, Johnny?"  Johnny nodded.  "I can see it," Kieran said.  He got up, opened the window, and let in a cool gust of wind.
 
            "Hey," Johnny reminded him, "you never answered my question."

            "What can I say?"  Kieran sat down on the floor across from Johnny.  "You're right.  Of course I like Shea, but . . ."

            "Blah, blah, blah.  I don't want to hear anymore bullshit coming out of your mouth."  He took a sip of beer, leaned in and continued.  "How long have you known her?  A few years?  How much longer are you going to sit there and watch her date other guys?  Don't you want it to be you?"

            "Who the hell are you?  Jiminy Cricket?  Are you my voice of reason?"

            "Damn it, Kieran, yes I am.  Now answer the question."

            "Of course I want it to be me," Kieran admitted.

            "So what are you waiting for?!"  Johnny wanted to know.

            "I don't know.  Some balls maybe."  They both laughed.

            "Listen…"  Johnny lowered his voice, "I don't know what Shea does to you, how she makes you feel, but I know what Rachel does to me."

            Kieran gave a small surrendering laugh.  "Okay, yes. I want to be with her all the time."  Kieran raised his head, "I can't believe we're talking about this."

            "Kieran, I'm not telling you what to do.  Well, actually, I am."  Johnny laughed.  "It's obvious that you want her, so don't put it off.  You'll regret it if you do.  Think about me and Rachel.  Who ever thought that a guy like me could be so lucky?  You know?"

            "Yeah, but I don't think it's such a good time right now.  She just broke up with James."

            He shook his head at Kieran. "You're wrong. Let me tell you something…at some point she's going to go over all the men in her life, and she's going to realize that most of them were assholes, just like James, for one reason or another.  And then she's going to start thinking about all the nice guys in her life, and it's going to be a very short list, but I'll tell you this my friend, you're at the top.  You see what I'm saying here?" Kieran nodded.  "At least think about it."

          "I have," Kieran said, “a lot.”


            There was a knock at the door.  "What do you want?!"  Rachel yelled.

            "I need to pee!" answered the voice.

            "Use the bathroom downstairs."  Rachel took a drag off her cigarette and when no one answered, they continued.

            "Do you think I'm crazy?"  Shea asked.

            "You know what I think.  Besides, you don't need my permission."

            "No, but it makes me feel better." Shea smiled up at Rachel.

            Rachel smiled too.  "I think you'll feel better once you tell him."

            "Tell him?  Tell him what?  I'm not telling him anything."  Shea felt fearful at the moment.  "I can't do this, Rachel."

         "Yes, you can.  You have to, Shea.  Otherwise, you'll let the moment pass, and you'll just keep putting it off with one excuse or another.  Then you'll talk yourself out of it."  Rachel took another drag on her cigarette, blew out the smoke and said, "I know this is a big deal, but are you sure that feeling in your stomach is fear?"

         "What else?"

         Rachel tried to explain, "Well, is it fear or is it more like excitement?  Sometimes it's hard to tell."

         Shea thought for a moment, smoking her cigarette. All she had to do was picture Kieran's face, and she smiled.  "It's excitement," she told her friend.

         "Halleluiah!"

         "But wait, what do I say?"  Shea looked to her friend for help, but she didn't get any.

            "You'll think of something."  Rachel jumped from her seat on the sink's edge.  "I'll send him in."

            Shea's mouth went dry.  She drank from her warm beer.  She rose from her seat on the toilet.  "Kieran, Kieran, Kieran."  She paced in the smallness of the bathroom, taking quick tokes off the cigarette.  "What am I doing?"  She bit a fingernail.  "Why am I so nervous?  It's only Kieran. What's the big deal?  If he wants me, we'll be together.  Simple."  Shea stopped.  "Who am I kidding?  It's nervousness, wrapped in excitement, swimming in fear.  It's all or nothing now."  There was a knock at the door.  Kieran.

            "Shea?  Rachel said you wanted to see me."

            Shea dropped the cigarette butt into her beer.  A quick sizzle and it was out.  She opened the door, letting in a rush of noise from the forgotten party.  There he was.  "Think – no, don't think," she told herself.  Shea let him in and locked the door.

         "Yeah, I wanted to show you something," she improvised.  She took his hand, turned off the light, and led him to the bathtub.  "Step in," she told him.  He did, and she closed the shower curtain behind them.

         "What are we doing in here?" he asked.

         "Shh."  She pressed a finger to her lips and pointed out the little window.  "Look."  She wrapped both hands around his, leaning into him, as they stared out into the backyard.  He felt the warm rush from her touch.  A light flickered from the neighbor's house just beyond the trees, and their shadows swayed and transformed as the wind blew.  Deeper shades of darkness blended with the scattering of the light.  Kieran and Shea silently watched.