The Screwed Up Christmas Song

The worst/best/I don't know rip-off of "Chestnuts Roasting over an Open Fire".

Chestnuts burning over a house fire

Jack Frost biting off your nose

Yuletide carols being scream-sung by a choir

And folks trying to rip off Eskimos



Everyone knows a turkey biting off your toes

Helps to make the snow bright (red)

Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow

Will find it hard to sleep tonight (because of Santa going into their rooms and giving them special surprises that are supposed to be "our little secret")



They know that Santa's on his way (and aren't too happy about it)

He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh (God help the little children)

And every mother's child is going to spy

To see if reindeer really know how to fly (and if they do, we're all fucked)



And so I'm offering this simple phrase

To kids from one to ninety-two (Lindsay Lohan, this includes you)

Although its been said many times, many ways (hehe)

A very shitty Christmas to you