Disassembled

I listen to my body and it tells me to live better. It hurts, aches here and there, asking me to go to the doctor. I will hear the doctor say I am as healthy as horse in my head, over and over as I leave. I will go home and sit down, hearing my bones crack because I do not get enough physical activity. I met the love of my life last year and still do things that could put me back into the dark abyss from which I came. I am always sabotaging myself. Always. I am aware of what I do, I am sane, I am still lost. I only know how to expect the worst and make it happen but I know better. I know better. Its hard to apply this knowledge when results are hard to see or just linger behind me, teasing me.