Sisters, Lovers and Daughters

This is a story that I've had in the works for a while, 1st chapter

(please note, I have dsygraphia. There will be grammar and syntax mistakes, but I have a passion for creating and writing stories. Hopefully my writing isnt too difficult to read, I honestly want feedback on the story itself)



I always envied those who could be true to themselves.
To me, everyone has their own color, I can feel it through their touch. The redness of a kiss, a blue-ish stare, and the warm yellow spotlight shining on my bare skin.
Where is my color? Where is my voice? Have I lost it, or was it ever there to begin with?
What colours do people see me as? In a vibrant gallery full of masterpieces, rich and lush with colour, bold and unique, am I but a blank canvas?
These questions eat me up at night.
I’m sitting alone, here in my apartment, I have no idea what time or day it is. Does it matter, though?
It’s nighttime, I at least know that. I stare into the empty vastness of the sky, not a single star to be seen. Only the intimidating lonely moon, beaming onto the wood in dappled stripes. Despite the efforts of the moon to enlighten the earth like the sun, it fails, as I sit here in darkness.
I was once like the sun, a star, I was bright, no radiant. Like all stars, though, especially the largest, brightest ones, burn out quickly.
Perhaps I was always the moon, bright but ultimately just reflecting, not a true expression of who or what I am. Like the moon, I was left in darkness.
Maybe it’s time I bask in its light once more. With a cigarette between my lips and the lighter trigger under my thumb, I step onto the balcony.
It’s quiet, anxiously quiet, it’s deafening. I can only hear my breath and the flutter of my lashes.
I blink hard, trying to shut out the porch light from reaching my sight.
Even when I'm avoiding the spotlight, it manages to find me in the most unflattering situations.

I take one last drag of my cigarette and head inside. It's empty as always, the furniture serves only me, and clutter is the only sign of life. I can't stand it anymore. I need to leave.

It's cold out, but there aren't any Christmas lights, so I suppose it's January. Or maybe it's February.
It's hard to tell when you aren't keeping track. I don't think I could even answer what year it is. I should have worn a denser jacket, and probably a hat as well.
It's snowing now, great.
I want to be inside.
But, I can't go back to the house.
It's really cold, my feet feel blue.
However, a minute more of the emptiness and I’ll go insane.
From my memory, there should be a gas station nearby, so I can buy more cigarettes at least.
There's a bridge in the path, the lights are blaring. Each lamp post is littered with stickers and old posters. The water underneath is anything but still, or shallow. If I fell in, I'd surely drown.

I look down from the bridge's edge, the crisp air cutting my cheek and snowflakes melt down my chin. Opening my eyes feels like torture as the wind feels stronger, I can feel it pushing me in.
Why am I even fighting it?
I bite my lip and grasp the bar keeping myself from falling in.
The rushing of the water, the sound of applause, the lights. I wish someone would just push me in already. Why did they just watch me? Was my suffering so entertaining?

No, they just saw themselves in me. I'm just the symbol of their suffering.
I was their reflection, I just did what they did.
My fingers are numb against the frozen metal, I'm still hanging on the bridge.
I really need a cigarette.

There are too many choices of coke nowadays. Seriously cookies and cream with coke? Who would find this appealing? I remember the days of Pepsi Clear when gimmicks like this made me excited. Until my expectations weren't met when I actually finally tried Pepsi Clear. It was the exact same thing but without colouring. I notice I'm blocking the way to the atm as the man with the thickest eyebrows glares at me. I step back letting him pass through.
I'll just grab a Diet Pepsi.
I grab a few more things, some snacks and toiletries. Then I'm at the counter, rehearsing in my mind which cigarette brand to buy.
Dunhill, Dunhill, Dunhill, I want Dunhill cigarettes. I don't want Kamel, I don't fucking want Malabro, I want Dunhill.

“Okay Ma'am, your total is twenty six dollars and forty cents.”
Shit, she didn't ask if I wanted cigarettes.
“um actually,-”
“What?”
She cuts,
“Do you have Dunhill?”
“Dunhill?... Dunhill what?”
“C-”
“Condoms?”
“No, cigarettes. Do you have Dunhill cigarettes…”
“Oh, you could have asked for cigarettes, I'll get my manager.”
I stare at her, my face gives away that I'm already annoyed.
“I'm not 21, I can't distribute them to you.”
“Okay, great.”
I roll my eyes as she walks away. Who hires a teenager to run a gas station?
I finally got my Dunhills and I stepped outside into the snow. It's like a layer of powdered sugar. I take it in as a porch light illuminates the individual flecks of snow.
Then it's interrupted by an open cough. The kind that made your neck forcibly turn away to avoid whatever disease they carry. Again that cough tears through my ears, okay someone get patient zero to the ICU already.
At this point, I'm curious about if there are any visible symptoms. In lue of my safety, I try to find whoever is coughing. I look to my left, then right. Nobody else is around, confused. I finally look down and a girl is sitting alone a mere few feet beside me.
Great, I'm infected now too.
I stare at the top of her head, it’s ratty and matted. Like she hadn't brushed it before. She was shivering like a leaf too, she had leggings on but no proper pants.
No wonder she has the plague, she's stuck out here.
I'm stuck out here too.

“You know it's a bit late to be out, especially at your age.”
She looks at me, her eyes are black and glossy.
“Oh really?”
“Yeah.”
“You don't even know my age.”
She folds her arms and holds herself higher.
I can tell she isn't interested in small talk.
“Okay well, it's snowing, it's past midnight and you're alone.”
There's silence.
I pull out a cigarette and light it.
Before it reaches my lips the girl interjects.
“Why are you smoking? That stuff kills you.”
“I know.”
“Why do it then?”
Why keep living? I really wanted to say that but I held my tongue,
“It…makes things easier, sometimes.”

I take a drag from it, I can taste the heaviness of the tobacco.
“I can move if you want-”
“what's easier about it?”
She interrupts,
“Well… It just gives me something to do.”

“My dad smoked.”
“Your dad?”
“Yeah.”
“My dad also smoked, he tried to stop though.”
“Did he ever stop?”
“Notice how I said I tried.”
I take another drag. It's in, and then out. It's so simple it's poetry.
“Ahhh, I'm following him in his footsteps.”
I laugh to myself.
“Did you try to stop?”
She looked at me, searching my face for honesty.
I thought about it, was there ever a time I wanted to quit? It's always felt like it was a part of me, something I'd always do.
Then, I remembered Kit.
She set an ultimatum for me, to quit smoking or we end things.
That was over twenty years ago and the first time I wished I had never started smoking.
“Oh are you ignoring me now? Look I get it I'm some welp on the street with holes in her leggings, but-”
“It was twenty years ago, I tried quitting.”
“That's an anonymous answer…, why did you want to quit?”
“Shit kid you ask a lot of personal questions.”
“Well I’m bored and cold!”
She sniffles and there’s a brief pause.
“You can ask me something, nothing is off the table.”
She crosses her arms, ready to tackle any question I throw at her.
I thought for a moment, what would I want to know about her?
“Why are you out here? It's really late.”
“Oh I'm running away, my foster family is annoying.”
“So you just left?”
“Yeah?”
“Are they looking for you?”
She thought for a moment,
“Probably, but they really shouldn't.
I don't belong in their “normal” family.”
She says using her fingers to quotate. She rolls her eyes and looks away passively.
“Well what's a normal family? Everyone has a little dysfunction.”
“No, I don't fit in, I'm not used to it. I don't know the right things.”
Her voice cracks, her face is trying not to move.
“Maybe they're not learning enough about you and what you need.”
She looked up at me, her mouth slightly agape with two little teeth poking out.
“I think you're right, every family that comes in looks for the perfect kid they already have in their mind. I just don't match up I guess.”
“No, well… People have expectations. But it's not your fault that you don't match them. Families like that don't want a child, they want a puppy or something.”
She laughed, and I gave a slight smile.
“Alright, it's time I walk home now.”
“wait! I don't want… to be…alone.”
I turn back around,
“Why?”
“Well, it's just painful. It hurts to be alone for too long.”
I put my cigarettes in my pocket and looked at the girl’s face. Her eyes are dark and round, her pupils follow me and my movements. It makes my throat clench.
“I know the feeling.”
I think back to my apartment, the cold empty house. With the large window pouring in the oppressive moonlight, and my shadow casted across the ground.
“Do you think I can stay with you?”
“Stay with you?”
“Yeah, stay with me!”
I try to find a rebuttal, but if I'm being honest, I don't want to be alone either.
“I guess I don't have anything better to do.”
“Yay!”
She stands up, her backpack almost tips her over.
“What do you have in there? Cement?”
“No! My stuff!”
She throws her bag in front of her with a mighty thud. Then she starts unzipping it, dirty clothes and old food packages spill out. I decided it's already enough, we don't need it all on the ground now.
“Okay kid, put away the show and tell.”
“But I want to show you Sunny.”
A frown furrowed her face,
“Fine, show me sunny.”
She digs to the bottom of her bag to pull out a stuffed rabbit toy. It’s in pretty rough shape, one of the button eyes is held only by a string.
“Oh, she's… cute?”
“It's a boy!”
She puts it near my face and it reeks of raisins and dirt.
“He's so handsome!”
“Better.”
With her hand titling Sunny’s head, he nods in agreement.
“Sunny is like me, he doesn't have a home or family, that's why he's with me.”
“Oh”
I don't know how else to respond to that.
“I'm hungry, can you get me something to eat?”
she said in a smaller voice while puppeting Sunny.
“I'm guessing you want me to buy you something.”
She looks to the side,glances back at me, then nods.
“Fine.”
I say curtly.
Her eyes widening, she tries not to smile too much.She hasn't figured out that just biting your bottom lip doesn't hide the upturned corners of your mouth.

As we enter the gas station, it dawns on me that I'm with a random kid, past midnight, at a gas station that I just bought cigarettes from. I look like garbage, the kid looks like the perfect candidate for make-a-wish, and together we look like tlc celebrities, great, awesome. I want to evaporate, then the kid has the audacity to cough, mouth wide open.
I look to the cashier,
“Do you guys have-”
Another open cough, this time I swear I felt spit too.
“Do you cough medicine?”
“Is that your child?”
I roll my eyes,
“No, obviously not.”
She looks me up and down, then at the kid.
She rolls hers and says,
“It's in aisle three.”

After picking out her desired snacks, we checked out the store.
She was humming to herself with full plastic bags in each hand. She looked tiny in comparison to everything, like a fairy. Maybe in her case like a dirty garden gnome, her oversized rain jacket and striped tights encourages the image.
“It's still snowing.”
“Yep”
I should probably leave at this point, what do I know about kids?
I did what I could, It's time I leave.
“Wait!”
She runs to follow me, like a duckling.
Shit, she's imprinted on me.
“um, can I…”
She shuffles her feet.
“Kid, I don't even know your name. Hell, you don't know me either!”
“Oh well I'm Daisy, see you know now!”
She smiled, but there was desperation in her eyes. I don't think she has any other options.
“It’s nice to meet you Daisy, but I really,...really can't take care of you.”
“You don't have to! I can take care of myself!”
“No, someone should take care of you, you're a kid, you need someone that knows what they're doing.”
“but it's snowing, and-and…”
She's about to cry, she can't sleep in the snow, I couldn't either to be fair.
“Fine, for tonight you can stay on my couch, then first thing we take you to CPS, or something.”
She sniffles trying to wipe away tears, she nods.
“It's a bit of a walk, but you should be okay.”
She nods again, and walks close to me.
“What’s your name?”
She chimes,
“Ca-”
I choke on my words for a moment.
“Ca?”
“No, sorry it’s Kaga. My name is Kaga.”
Somehow my own name didn’t feel natural in my mouth.

As we walk together, the snow keeps falling. My feet are soaked and Daisy is shaking like a Nokia on a bed table. I can hear her teeth chattering in between coughing fits.
“Hey, we're almost there.”
She nods, gripping her jacket tighter.
“Thank you.”
“It's fine…”

We're finally home and I can finally take off my wet socks, Daisy takes a deep breath of relief.
“It's warm in here”
She waddles off to explore the house, she leaves her jacket and boots on the ground. I pick up her snacks and carry them to the kitchen. She's in the living room, I can see her over the half wall, she's feeling up the couch.
“It's suede.”
“It feels really soft and nice.”
She leans in to smell it and crinkles her nose.
“It smells like cigarettes though…”
I laugh at her honesty,
“Well I usually smoke there, so…”
“Everything smells like smoke though? Do you smoke everywhere here?”
“Hah, uh, yeah?”
I fidget with a tea bag, I was gonna make tea, that's what a good host does. At least that's what my mother did, but she would bring out her praised ocha set. I only have peppermint tea and novelty mugs.
“Would you like tea?”
“Um, I don't know, is it good?”
“It’s nice. It's like warm herbal water, I have peppermint.”
“Is it sweet?”
“If you add sugar and milk.”
“Can you add that?
“I guess so, if my milk isn't expired. I can also just put sugar in.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
I nod and she goes back to exploring the house.
I check the kettle to see if there's still water, I refill it and turn it on.
Then I remembered I had some personal things hidden in a drawer.
I should probably take care of that.
Then I heard an excited scream.
“You have two baths!?”
“Ah, yes.”
“But you live alone, why two baths?”
“Uh, it's just what the house had.”
“Oh.”
She hops into the tub, her feet leave little brown footprints.
She shifts her gaze at me, and her mouth moves. Only small whispers leak out, her fingers twirl around each other.
“You are…really dirty.”
I'm thinking about the couch now and realising there's probably marks all over it now.
“Then can I take a bath?”
“It's probably best that you do.”
I sigh and go fetch her a towel, but I realised I hadn't gotten to doing the laundry. Great, another chore. I scrounge around to find a fresh towel, but could only manage a beach towel.
She probably needs night clothes too. Unfortunately I'm far past an extra small, so I don't have anything that fits an eight or so old child. Then from that embarrassingly bright pink thong I had sitting on my bedside,I am reminded of undergarments. I'm afraid to even ask if she has any, and I would rather shoot myself again before I lend her any of mine. I guess she'll have to wash the one she has already.

“Um kid? Did you pack any extra Clothes?”
I shout from across the house.
I hear little footsteps sprint to my direction,
“What?!”
She shouts right in my ear,
“Ow Shit-! “
I control my temper with a deep breath.
“Kid, please don’t scream in my ear.”
Confused she looks at me,
“But you screamed first”
“Yeah but far away, now do you have extra clothes or not?”
“Yeah…”
“Are they clean though?”
“I washed them in the sink! They kinda smell funny though…”
“That's because they got mildew, which means they are still dirty. Did you stuff them in your bag while they were wet?”
“Um, yes?”
“Then that’s why, I can wash them while you take a bath.”
“But I can do it myself!”
I shake my head
“Kid, just let me wash them.”
Daisy looks up at me, then walks away. I hear a zipper come undone, then shuffling.
“Okay.”
She dumps the dirty clothes in front of me, I pick them up and put them in a nearby basket.

From a distance I hear splashing and laughing behind the closed bathroom door. Glad she’s having fun, I’m stuck trying to remove gum from a sweatshirt. I soak it in hot water under the kitchen sink, hoping to maybe melt it off. It helped but there’s still a sticky patch, I guess the machine will have to handle it. I throw the sticky shirt and the rest of the clothes into the washer. I watch the clothes swirl round and round, the array of colors and patterns is hypnotizing.
I hear Daisy yelling about mermaids and whatever fantastical nonsense kids are into these days
Her voice, despite being behind a closed door, echoes through the hallway. She sounds pretty happy, it’s nice. Usually the house is so empty, but I don't know, it’s comforting to hear someone else's laughter instead of just silence. I still need to take her to the police tomorrow, hopefully there's enough gas in the car.
My thoughts are interrupted by a loud shout,
“I’m done!”
“Okay coming! Give me a second!”
I grab a towel and the first t-shirt I can find.
I walk towards the bathroom door and knock gently against the door.
A small crack opens in the door and a little hand pops out, I hand her the towel first, then clothes.
She closes it softly and I decide to wait at the door.
After a few minutes, she steps out.
Then I realise she’s wearing an old Camren shirt, she holds the edges of the hem like a dress.
“Wow! I love Camren! Her voice is so good, I didn’t know you were a fan.”
She says with an innocent smile, it’s extremely baggy on her as well.
“Well I wouldn’t say I’m exactly a fan…”
I feel a lump in my throat,
“Hm…”
She looks at the shirt closer, then back at me. I can feel my cheeks turn red, I turn away.
Maybe she won’t notice.
“Uh, she kind of looks like you.”
Shit, she noticed.
“Well haha”
I can’t speak, my emotions are too volatile for speech. It’s like my tongue is wrestling my vocal chords.
She looks at the photo on the t-shirt for a moment longer,
“Actually her hair is brown, yours is black.”
“Well yeah of course!”
I try to brush the interaction under the rug, but Daisy continues,
“She’s also prettier than you, and you’re kinda…fat.’
She looks at me as if she didn’t say anything offensive, I raise my brow at her.
“Well you’re not exactly a vogue model either Daisy.”
“Vogue?”
“Just don’t make comments on people’s appearance okay? It’s rude.”
“Oh, okay.”
I take a breath of relief and look at the mess in the bathroom. The rug is completely soaked and bubbles cling to the tub. Using the shower head, I rinse off any residue.Daisy watches me for a moment, then walks towards the couch. I take a quick glance at her, and notice the back of her head. Her hair is still completely matted, as if a family of rats took refuge in her scalp.
“Kid the back of your head, did you wash it?”
“What?”
She feels the back of her head, and looks at her hand.
“It’s wet.”
“But did you try to brush your hair?”
She nods, but her left leg hooks behind her right.
“Daisy, do you need help brushing your hair?”
“It just really really hurts!”
“Well, did you use a conditioner?”
She bites her lip, and her eyes pop.
“Um, no.”
I rub my temples, Jesus this kid is a lot of work.
“Okay, go grab a brush and sit on the couch. I’ll help you once I clean up here okay?”
Looking surprised, she gives a quick nod. Rushing through the bathroom she picks up a bright pink hairbrush. Before she sat down, she made sure to grab her stuffed rabbit Sunny. She then skips to the couch, patiently waiting with sunny in her lap.
I do the remainder of the bathroom and pick up a bottle of conditioner. I bring along a towel and a smaller comb.
Daisy looks at me from the couch a bit fearful.
“Okay could you sit on the ground?”
She nods and obediently sits crossed legged on the floor. I seat myself behind her on the couch,
“Could you hold these for me?”
I hand her the conditioner and spare towel. I then begin to part her hair gently, it’s mangled but I manage to split her hair into different sections.
“Conditioner?”
She hands me it.
For a few moments I carefully dot her scalp with the product, then I take her pink brush and pour conditioner on it. I take the ends of her hair and brush in small strokes. It’s so silent, I can hear her breathing softly. I am reminded of how small she is in comparison to me. I feel like a bird looking over a nest, with a little hatchling inside. As I continue to brush her hair, she winces.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, it just hurts a little bit.”
“I can try to be more gentle.”
“No it’s fine.”
I grab the smaller comb instead and try to make smaller strokes.
“I said it was fine.”
“Well this does feel better though right?”
I smile to myself, Daisy doesn’t answer.
Half an hour breezes by, it’s almost sunrise, I can just feel it.
Daisy’s hair is nearly combed through, only a few more knots on the crown of her scalp. Her head is starting to bob, struggling to stay awake.
“Hey I'm almost done, you can sit on the couch now if you want.”
She turns her head towards me, her eyelids can barely stay open.
Climbing onto the couch she sits next to me, then without warning her head lands in my lap.
Her eyes already closed, it seems like she’s already fallen asleep. I try not to jolt or wake her in surprise. So, I continue combing the last few tangles.
Now finished, I just stare at her. Her hair is a dark shade of brown, a few shades deeper than her skin. It’s quite straight and silky, it’s odd that it became so matted. However she is just a kid, I bet no one taught her how.
I sit with that thought, I guess she hasn’t had anyone, at least for a very long time. I pull the hairs away from her face and behind her ear. Her lip’s move, as if she was trying to say something but her voice was lost.
What am I doing? I only met this girl a few hours ago, and yet…
She coughs, then tries to nestle into me and the couch. I grab a nearby blanket to cover her.
I start to feel tired too, I look up at the moon as I did earlier. This time though, it seems as if she’s smiling at me. I close my eyes for a moment, then I drift off.

The sand is warm underneath my feet. Blue salty waves crash against the shore line. I forgot how much I love the beach, sinking my fingers into the ground, grasping at each grain. I then hear the tapping of two little feet approach me.
“Kaga! Look at the sky!”
Daisy points upward, I pull myself up from the sand gazing upward.
The sky is divided by day and night, a breeze pushes me and my hair flies into my face.
On the side of day instead of the sun it’s the moon, and for night, the sun replaces the moon.
My breath is taken away as the breeze keeps knocking against me. I then look at the water, it’s now completely still, I see my reflection.
My face is twenty years younger, and my hair a deep bronze. It’s me, Camren.

I gasp for air, jolting myself awake, my hands checking my body, making sure I'm present.
I look from left to right, I then see Daisy sitting near me already awake.
She looks at me concerned.
“Are you okay?”
“Um, yeah.”
“Was it a bad dream?”
“No, not bad, just really weird.”
I look for a clock, but none are in my view.
“What time is it?”
I get up and start walking to the fridge, trying to orient myself back into reality.
“Uh, I think it's around twelve.”
“Shit already?”
I say under my breath.
“Okay go get your stuff, I’m taking you to the police station.”
Daisy jumps up from the couch.
“But the roads are closed due to snow!”
She argues,
“What? Where did you get that from?”
She rolls her eyes, and points to the TV.
“The national news? They just gave out the report a couple minutes ago.”
In disbelief I look outside, it’s a sea of white particles drifting through a snowy desert.
“Huh, well…”
Shit, if only I didn't fall asleep, if only I woke up earlier I could take her and move on. Of course god, or whoever's up there had other plans.
Then I remember I installed snow tires onto my car a few years ago. I clear my throat and sternly say,
“Well actually I installed snow tires onto my car, so the weather shouldn’t be an issue.”
“Oh, well okay.”
Daisy says, I could hint disappointment in her voice. She gets off the sofa and goes to gather her things. Even though everything is going according to plan, I feel a little disappointed too.
Aren’t I supposed to be happy about her leaving? She’s an annoying little kid that makes little messes wherever she goes, and I’m the one who cleans it all up. However, I can’t help but find her endearing. Maybe that's why it’s best to just let her go, let her find someone who’s worthy to take care of something as fragile as parenthood.
Before I go, I light a quick cigarette, just to hold me over for the car ride.
I got a thick jacket, along with a hat and gloves. I then helped Daisy gather her fresh clothes from the laundry, it seems she knew to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer. We folded them up into her backpack, along with her rabbit Sunny.
I made sure she’s properly dressed, and gave her my old leather jacket with wool lining.
“Are you sure I can take the jacket?”
“Yeah why not? It’s not like I can wear it anymore.”
Honestly, for how cute the leather jacket was, I could never zip it up over my chest. It always suffocated me, but it was a gift so I couldn’t exactly turn it down.
I opened the front door and met with a gust of icy wind. It felt like a hundred needle points piercing my skin, I tied my scarf around my cheeks and moved forward. Daisy hides her face in the jacket collar, so I decide to carry her backpack for her.
I help her in the back car seat and she buckles herself in. Setting her backpack beside her, I double check everything before we go. Daisy looks at me like she wants to say something, but can’t.
“Kid, what’s with the look?”
She forces her expression to be a polite smile,
“Nothing! Let’s just go.”
She looks down at her feet, they dangle over the edge of the seat.
“Um Okay.”
Why did I say that so wistfully?
I walk to the driver's seat and settle in. Looking at the car mirror, I adjust it to see a depressed Daisy. My heart breaks a little, but I decide to start up the engine and go.
It’s a quiet drive, only the heater fan makes a buzz. Keeping my eyes on the road, I try to make any distinctions from the white void in front of me. I can barely see the street signs, it’s a blizzard out here.
After a while, I start to lose my sense of direction. Maybe I missed a turn? No, I couldn’t have I’m on the highway, but did I take the wrong turn? Everything is impossible to read, then I notice the gas level. There’s only a quarter left, if I don’t hurry we might be stranded out here.
“Kaga…”
Daisy says worried,
“What Daisy? What is it?”
My voice stresses.
“Are we lost?”
I take a deep breath ready to answer, but my teeth restrain my tongue.
“Kaga, can we go back please?”
She pleads, I keep driving forward. My hands merge into the steering wheel, the sweat seeping into the pleather.
“Kaga, it’s really snowy…”
Daisy begs. My eyes press into one another, with the force of a steel press. I force them open, a white powdery hellscape is before me. My breath solidifies, like smoke from a pipe. The glass panel fogs up from the heat, more white obscures my vision.
“Kaga please!”
She punches my car seat as hard as she can, I snap out of it and hit the brakes. It’s still, everything inside the car is still. Like a statue in New York City square it remains unmoving, I let go of the wheel putting my face into my hands. Through my nose, I let the air fill my lungs, then I exhale. My fingers spread apart, I open my eyes. I look up at the car mirror to see Daisy shocked, I turn around and meet her gaze. She meets mine.
“Kaga I-”
She chokes, her eyes water. I put my hand to her face, a tear drops and my thumb catches it, swiping it away.
“I wasn’t listening, I should have listened to you.”
She holds my hand to her face, and starts to bawl.
“I don’t want to go back there.”
She admits,
“I don’t like being alone either, no matter what I do, I’m always-”
Her breath quickens, as if panicking. I move over the front seat to the middle hand rest, I place my other hand on her opposite cheek. She rushes into my chest, hugging me tightly. I hold her head, then gently stroke her back. I remember how my dad would comfort me in times like this, he would usually sing something gentle and quiet. I try to sing, but there's a block in my throat. So humming a simple melody, I keep my strokes to its rhythm.
Her breath and wet tears seep into my jacket, I feel her warmth, can she feel mine? Does she know I’m trying to console her? Maybe these questions don’t really matter, what reason is there to be afraid if I’m doing it right? Perhaps it’s more important to at least try to be there, try to care.
She lifts her head from me looking out the window, then back at me.
“Kaga, I know you don’t want to take care of me-”
“That’s not it!”
I say without even thinking, my face turns pink.
“It’s not?”
“I-...I don’t like living alone, in fact I hate it.”
Daisy nods in understanding,
“Having you over last night it felt…”
I try to find the word, but my mind is lost.
Daisy speaks up,
“Nice?”
I tilt my head,
“More than that, it felt normal.”
Daisy, confused, looks through me.
“Normal?”
I nod,
“Yeah normal.
I pause for a moment, gathering my thoughts.
“It’s like everyday for me, for the past ten years has been anything, but-”
“Normal?”
“Yeah, and with you, I didn’t have to think about my life, my regrets, I could just focus on you.”
“On me?”
Her eyes sparkled, as if a warm spotlight had been put on her for the first time.
“Yes, on you.”
I smile, and Daisy smiles back.
“So can we stay together?”
I nod,
“We can try.”
We both look out the window, the blizzard is as strong as ever. There’s no point in driving anywhere, to the house or the damn police station. From my estimate, we’re in the middle of the road, so the first priority should be getting off it. I look towards Daisy, her eyes are still a little red from crying, and she still holds an anxiousness.
“Daisy, it’s okay, I know what to do.”
I hold her shoulder, she nods.
I take the car off the road, then check the back for any spare gas. Thankfully there were few spare gallons left, so I turned off the car and filled the tank as high as I could.
I put the front seats down, and Daisy moved to the front passenger seat.
“Hahah, it's like a bed.
“Heh, I guess you're right.”
I lay down beside her.
“So what’s the plan?”
“The current plan is to wait out the storm, it can’t snow forever.”
“Aw, that’s lame.”
Daisy pouts, she looks towards the window.
“It would never snow in Thailand, it’s too warm there.”
“I guess it wouldn’t, have you been to Thailand?”
Daisy laughs, I raise my eyebrow.
“What’s so funny?”
“Haha, I’m from Thailand!”
“Oh.”
I start laughing too.
“You miss it?”
“Sometimes, I miss the food…”
Sitting up, Daisy looks at her stuffed rabbit. There's a painful look in her eye, she looks towards me again.
“Do you miss something else?”
Daisy bites her lip,
“My Yai- I mean grandma.”
She huddles together, her feet tucked under her arms.
“Oh, that makes sense.”
“I don’t know if she’s still alive, she’s not that old but she hasn’t written to me at all.”
“What about your mom, or your dad?”
Daisy breathes in and out, fiddling with the hem of her jacket.
“I don’t want to talk about them.”
“You said last night that nothing is off the table!”
I give her a playful smirk, but I know it’s probably too personal.
She gives a small laugh,
“Well, everything but them.”
“Okay, that's fine. It’s hard to talk about my mom and dad too.”
Daisy smiled, and from there time seemed to fly. Chattered from topic to topic, discussing random ideas such as does pineapple belong on pizza? Short answer is who cares? It was nice talking to her, like a cool breeze on a hot day. Her presence is refreshing, and maybe exactly what I needed.
“So do you play any sports?”
“Well, I’ve always liked football.”
“Football?”
I squint, there's a bright light coming from the window and it’s seriously annoying. I really need to get some window tint or something-
Wait, light?
“Oh sorry I mean soccer, everywhere else it’s called football, why is that-”
“Okay Daisy, sorry to interrupt, but look behind you.”
From the view of the window the sky is finally clear. Daisy looks at me with delight as if I just told her she won the lottery.
“You ready to head back?”
She nods.
“Okay get in the back, we may not have much time before it starts snowing again.
So if I drive a little too fast that’s why.”
“Okay!”
Daisy holds on tight to her seat belt, and I adjust the car mirror. After turning the key a few times, the engine purrs to life. I back out of the nook wwe parked into, then start racing home. Tapping the car wheel, I feel an intensity in my chest. So I start singing a familiar tune. Hearing my singing, Daisy squeals in excitement.
“I love that song!”
“Really? Wanna sing it together?’
She nods, and I start over keeping the rhythm with a hit of the steering wheel.
“People are the like the roads we drive on, we’re all on different paths~
Doesn’t mean we won't meet again!”
We happily sing in unison as we know neither of us is going to be alone anymore.