The Road We Travel

Missing my daughter

Puffs of pink and purple dot the the horizon
Of the landscape that stretches in front of me
Tiny Truffula Trees that we'd pick to tickle one another with
one mile down, one mile back

Id watch your shadow leapfrog on the pavement in front of me
You'd crouch in a squat, barefoot
Little fingers outstretched to stroke the leaves of touch me nots
Your musical giggle reverberating as their leaves shrunk from you bashfully
Closing themselves to the sensation of your sweaty hands
Protecting themselves. A little bit of natural magic, to start or end our day
"Can I eat this one, mama? What about these ones?"
"Mama, what does this flower do?"
"Dollar weed is edible, and Queen Anne's Lace is beautiful but deadly, so don't touch it."
One mile down, one mile back

Spirit the stallion, behind the tall white fence, always got all the carrots and love
You'd vibrate with repressed need to jump the fence and hop right on him
And my heart would burst with the way your laughter would peal uninhibited
When he'd take off running, kicking his legs up in celebration
"Mama, HE'S TOOTING AND RUNNING"
And then we'd laugh and laugh.
One mile down, one mile back

The cows were great conversationalists. Together we learned their language and
I'll never know what you whispered to them all those times, because cows are the best secret-keepers.
Their deep eyes knew truths about you that neither of us knew yet.
One mile down, one mile back

Remember when the donkey went away to live on someone else's farm (at least, that's what I told you)?
We grieved together, his absence made louder by the silence of his once-constant brays
The sweaty weight of your little hand in mine, swinging
While you swiped at your tears with the other, wet tracks made down dirty cheeks
Evidence of how life consistently changes, and that you don't yet understand loss.
I'd hoped you'd never have to know.
One mile down, one mile back

"Go feed the meh-meh goats, Beastie"
And you'd run through the culvert as quickly as you could
Arms laden with goodies we'd brought from home
Your giggles filled the atoms around us as they ate from your hands, joy unmatched
One mile down, one mile back

It feels like a different life, the one we had together. Almost imaginary.
But you were real. I was real. We were real together.
As real as the cows, Spirit, and the meh-meh goats.
Who all seem to look for you when they see me now. Alone.
I imagine we share the same confusion at your absence.
I wish I could tell them why.
Grief hangs heavy in the air at my pause
A quiet moment to honor love in absentia
One mile down, one mile back

You'd be sad that they cut all the trees down
At the corner of the street where you loved to hunt for pretty rocks
Filling your pockets as well as my basket
"Here mama, hold dis for me."
It's empty now, charred proof of humanity's hand
I can relate. I've been burned like that too.
The barren landscape opens that wound every time.
One mile down, one mile back

Zeppitiy doo dah, Zeppity day
My oh my, what a wonderful day
The birds sing it to me in their own words
The same birds to whom we sang whenever we passed
So they would carry our love to the spirit world, for those who can't be here
One mile down, one mile back

"Would you like a playground like that one, Beastie? Maybe we can let Santa know"
The sparkle in your eye gave you away, and the sparkle in mine did the same
Because you knew anything you wanted would be yours...you just had to say the word
One mile down, one mile back

I don't know how many miles it will take to make it back to you
But consistency is the core of love
And I will take it one stretch at a time...
One mile down
And one mile back