I am Selfish

My inner critic is a bringer of death.

I care so much for the world around me ,but I hate anything and everything about myself. I say that because at the end of the day I feel everyone sees my flaws on my sleeves my insecurities displayed on a billboard above my head everyone reading and laughing. I say this yet if you ask people who know me they say great things that I have a hard time believing and accepting. I have been told I light up a room, that I am always smiling, I crack jokes, I make people happy. I been told these things by many people ,but I beat myself up because I believe I have done the opposite of what I am told. I am given medicine by others around me and I CHOOSE to drink the poison served to me by my inner critic. Now you probably wondering how does this relate to being selfish. Well its selfish I can't accept who I am the chains of the voice hold me tight stuck in a state of MISERY.

People Constantly ask me if I am alright I say of course I am ,but there's a cracks in the corner a sign that there is something wrong but its minor the crack is overlooked. Even if it was seen I would declare it to be a minor inconvenience a minor thing that can easily be fixed. Yet its a lie a lie I tell people with a smile and a cheery attitude. WHY? BECAUSE I fear the truth is to much for the people around me. I fear and worry about so much that I am isolated because currently I see more problems than solutions around me whether it be in my work or personal life these problems are ever growing and ever changing. I feel like my own mind is suffocating me. I am dying because my mind only wants to see misery.

Sometimes I choose to wallow in my misery in a manor some may say is selfish. I let it make me bitter behind the curtain in the quite of a place I feel I have control of in my life. Not to long ago I turned 21 and before I was 21 I use to smoke to relieve my stress it wasn't healthy but its what I did ;however, recently more often then not I find myself turning to the bottles to try give myself some semblance of HAPPINESS a sense of false relief. The fact of the matter is that I am still lying to myself trying to find relief in unhealthy ways. I know the truth that what I am doing is wrong in the sense yet the fact IS in a selfish move I can't bring myself to ask for help thinking everyone has there own problems that I can't come asking for help because they have greater problems then mine in some way shape or form.

In the end, I realize I am becoming more HALLOW in my life ,and you know what I feel that's a part of it ,but it doesn't make it any easier. I believe in my next few years once I am free from a certain unhappiness in my life I maybe able to move forward with friends and family in truly opening up and being free of the shackles of my mind free and not forced to drink the poison I see in front of me.