The Grand Farting Contest.

A comedy poem about a farting contest.

The Grand Farting Contest.

I'll sing you a ditty I think it will please
of a Grand Farting Contest at Windham on Peas.
Where all the great arse holes parade in a field
to compete for the various medals and shields.

Those who have arse holes roundest and strong
go in for the section of loudest and long.
And those who have arse holes the size of a Whale
just stand in a circle and fart up the scale.

First to the stand was the Old Parsons wife
she'd been a contestant for most of her life.
Her teeth gripped the grunt post as she beat her huge chest
twas a four minute fart and her personal best.

Next to the grunt post was Mrs Smithole
won first prize last year for biggest arse hole.
She took hold of the grunt post and lurched to one side
but she shit herself and was disqualified.

Then followed the musical section, an incredibly talented farter.
He received a standing ovation, for his version of "Moonlight Senator"
Such a symphony truly had never been seen,
for an encore he then farted "God save the Queen".

Last came the favorite, the Inn Keeper's daughter
the crowd was aghast as she bared her hind quarter
last year she'd made twenty four peoples eyes water.
She'd trained on a diet of onions and beans
and the judges were hidden behind heat proof screens.
The force of the blast suffocated the crowd
and she took the Gold Medal for longest and loud.

I shall now end my story by farting the first four bars of the "Post Horn Gallop".