Replaced

A horror about quiet heartbreak.

Replaced



A few years ago I decided to get out of Frankfurt, where me and my fiancée were then living, and took up a job at a winery in the Beaujolais for a few months. I thoroughly enjoyed my time there. Most of the work was done outside and I much learned about grafting grapevines and different types of yeast. All the while I called with my fiancée often and we would talk about the things we did that day or exchange family news. When I got back however it turned out that she had been replaced.



Always before she had been interested in me and my ideas. She often asked for an opinion or advice and appreciated hearing my take. We could talk for hours; debating and unraveling. New girlfriend however, was, although she did try, at best lukewarm about me. She didn't find my interests in line with hers, my goals where frivolous, and my jokes stopped landing. That I couldn't make her laugh anymore really bothered me. I had so enjoyed making her laugh. She had a beautiful smile and didn't laugh often, but when she did it was clear and beautiful and made me feel warm. Before I knew it I practiced the timing of jokes in my head, I took note when something I said would crack up friends, but new girlfriends was not having any of it. She'd say "oh," or "I see" - without even registering I was trying to be funny. When I eventually told new girlfriend as much - to what level I had stooped to get a laugh out of her - she said "Oh. I see" and then: "I guess it is a little late for fun," as she turned around to click off the bed-stand lamp.



I didn't figure out she had been replaced immediately of course. It took me a long time to get there. What made it especially tricky is that new girlfriend had kept many of the memories and knowledge of my fiancée. She knew about out holidays together, she still knew what my mother liked and her birthday too. She would even use the same smileys in her well-wishes. We lived away from our family so they were none the wiser. I never did find the guts to bring it up with her parents. I cannot imagine they would have done much with the information anyway. Actually, I wonder if she even knows herself.



Ultimately it was the constant dodging of my questions that gave it away. "Why are you being so distant?" I would ask in the beginning. And later, "What is happening?!" I had become frustrated by then. Me and my fiancs relation had been loving and light. We'd made a ten-year plan together and every so often I would fantasize about buying a really expensive golden ring. But however much I pleaded new girlfriend would only say "I am not sure myself," or "I have to think about it." Which was really clever because that way you can answer all sorts of questions without actually saying anything. I got very confused because I was also thinking about what was happening, but I managed to come up with very many possibilities all the time: Are you disappointed in me? Jealous? Uninterested? Have you become depressed? Overworked? Unsatisfied? Do you find me too stubborn? Overly ambitious? Unambitious or meek? "Well, maybe" she would say sometimes, and that would keep me busy for another month or so.



Once I figured it out about the replacing for a while I still had hopes of making something of it with new girlfriend. She was still very smart after all, and kind to strangers, and although we had stopped being sexual soon after the replacing I still found her very attractive. But I really should have known better. After all, it wasn't new girlfriends fault that she ended up engaged with me. She was just stuck with it. When I got back from a brief trip she proposed that maybe we should try living apart for a while. "So we have to bridge the distance and really make time for each other." It sounded strange to me, but it was the first time in a while that new girlfriend had made a suggestion. So I acquiesced. Too late I realized my mistake. The bedsheets she had bought, my fiancée that is, for us. So she kept those and the cutlery too, and the fridge we had gotten from her dad. We gave up my old two-bedroom so she could move up to a single in the same building. I kept the nice dishes and my rug - although it didn't fit well in my new tight apartment. I had my plants, but they quickly died because there wasn't any natural light. In the end we didn't connect better and she never came over, but I cannot blame her because who wants to be with a guy without bedsheets. When I decided to break things off with new girlfriend luckily she took it well.