God's Grace - Psalm 18:29 Writing Prompt

Using a bible verse writing prompt, I share how God's grace upholds me despite my troubles

Biblical Prompts

Psalm 18:29 - In your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall.

Why is it that Christians sometimes fail to turn to God? Or perhaps only turn to God in times of need? I face this challenge often. I know God is faithful to us. Yet I am not always faithful to Him. Why? That is the million-dollar question.

In theory, times are tough for me now. My second marriage has fallen apart. I am a furloughed federal employee going without pay for nearly 4 weeks now. I'm an aspiring author struggling to put my stories down on paper. I should be despondent. But I am not. I can only attribute that to the grace of God.

My husband moved out of state a year ago for a work opportunity. In the beginning, we vowed to visit at least once every 2 months. It started out well. But my husband had anger issues and problems with alcohol. He would fester in an unhealthy mental headspace. There was a point in the spring where he got angry at me for no apparent reason. He wouldn't call or text and refused to respond to my attempts at communication. When he finally said he wanted a divorce, I was crestfallen. I told him it's not what I wanted but that I wouldn't fight him on it. He eventually sent me the paperwork, which I immediately signed and returned to him.

I finally told my parents about the divorce, and they asked if it was okay for them to text him to let him know how much they cared about him. I didn't have a problem with that. The next thing I know, he tells me that he loves them so much and that he was crying over what my parents wrote him. The following day, I received the following text, "I'm sorry. I'm going to rehab."

I had no idea what that meant. Did that mean he wanted to work things out? Was the rehab just for alcohol or something else? I had no idea what to expect. I let him know that regardless of anything, I hoped that he got the help he needed, and I would be there to support him either way. And I was. Communication with him was better than it had been in months during his 30-day stint at the treatment facility. I wasn't sure yet if I would want to rectify our relationship (there were too many unknowns to say for sure). But his time ended and once again, communication ceased. Except for a single question about where I was born so he could file the divorce papers. I suppose that took care of the question of whether we would rectify our relationship.

He ended his treatment at the beginning of October. Right as the government shutdown and my furlough from work began. Despite my support of him (including mailing him items he needed) during his treatment, I have not had a single contact from him except for checking where I was born. There was no, "Are you doing okay?" "Do you need anything?" Nothing. That lack of response was a very clear message to me that it was a positive thing that our relationship was over. Throughout our relationship, and especially once we were geographically separated, I would always ask how his day was and would listen intently as he described various victories or challenges he was dealing with. But he never asked me how I was. Just like now. His narcissism was too important to put someone else's needs or concerns before his own. So instead of feeling sorry that my marriage had fallen apart after a decade, I was quite thankful to be able to put myself and my children (all from my first marriage) first again.

Fortunately, we've been able to get through the shutdown without pay okay so far. There is nothing to speak of left in savings, but we are still blessed. Between the small loans offered by Navy Federal and the monthly G.I. Bill stipend I have coming in, I believe we will be okay. The greatest gift so far of the shutdown has been a break from driving to the office. Pre-COVID, we only worked 2 days per week in the office. This is primarily because the work we do is mostly over the phone or via the computer and we were still able to function normally from home. In fact, when full telework started during the pandemic, our work production did not suffer at all. Unfortunately, we've been required to be full time back in the office since February. I don't mind my 100 mile, 2-hour drive on country roads. And doing it a couple of times per week is no big deal. But every single day has been a significant drain on my work-life balance. Not to mention the number of miles I've put on my car. The shutdown has been a blessing to me in that way. In fact, I somewhat selfishly wish they would just terminate my position. Sure, I could quit. But if they terminate my position, that comes with a combination of severance pay and rehire preference rights. Some federal agencies are still allowing remote work. That type of hiring preference could be extraordinarily beneficial. In addition, I already have a plan in case my position is terminated. I can do exactly what I was doing in a public capacity as an independent consultant. I have already filed my LLC and have a pre-established clientele base. The benefits would allow me to work on my own and allow more time for writing and engaging in my kids' extracurricular activities.

I need to write. I honestly believe I have something to say that someone, somewhere needs to hear. That is a powerful weapon to have at my fingertips. I just need to do it. The first step was signing up for my Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing. But this is my third semester, and I am still just getting into the habit of writing daily. I am trying to find the stories I need to tell so that those who need to hear them can be touched. I know I have a good plan for the first book. But I need the participants who will be willing to let me tell their stories on behalf of the organization I want to support. That is where I am now, trying to figure out the way to make that happen.

In many ways, I should be broken right now with all that is going on around me. But I am not. As a Christian I also know that I don't lean on God the way I should. I know that with Him, all things are possible. I know that with Him, I can "scale any wall" as today's verse says. But I am also reticent to ask for help. That is part of my human nature normally. But I feel it more so with God, even though I shouldn't. I don't want to display the narcissism I received from my husband by just asking for help and support. I know that petitions are only one small part of prayer and worship. But it still feels wrong to me on some level.
I am so thankful that God has given me the strength to weather the storms I am facing. And I do trust that he is walking beside me (or carrying me through, as needed). I will continue to try to keep the focus on Him and acknowledge His grace and mercy in my life. And I am grateful that even when I don't come to Him about my needs, He still knows and provides.

"In your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall" (NLT Psalms 18:29).

Thank you, Lord!