Call Me Jane

It took me eighty years to investigate my life to figure out who I am and why.

This book is dedicated to my children, my grandchildren, and my great-grandchildren. Little did I know when I was young, that I would have created such an important group of people. By now, I am an old lady, and my words fall onto not deaf, but condescending ears. They are amused by my stories but fail to see why I am recounting them. Of course, when I was their age, I would have reacted the same. No one could tell me, I had to find out for myself.

One thing they have that was absent for me, they are loved. I think they know they are loved. I never had that experience, ever. I never heard the phrase “I love you” from my mother, my father, grandparents, aunts, or uncles. I had a very hard time saying “I love you” to my kids. If you ask them, they’ll probably say that I never told them that I loved them, I really can’t remember. But I did love them! That is why I feel the need to tell my story. When I was a child, no one ever gave me a hug, told me they loved me, or said I was a good person. No one. Ever.


But I was born wanting to belong, wanting to be happy. It has taken me a lifetime to figure out how to do that, and that is why I’m sharing my story with you.



 
Prologue

Call me Jane

The year is 1939, World War Two is in full force. Although the depression is crippling the country, the young couple is looking forward to the future. Their second child is just about ready to enter the world. Finally, after much pain and pushing, the mother feels the child slipping out of her body and into the world. After hours of the ebb and flow of labor, a baby girl is born. The mom holds her in her arms checking her over, making sure she has all her fingers and toes, while the father is gazing in awe at the mother and child. Then he has a strange request about naming the girl. “I don’t care what her first name is, you can name her anything you want to, but I want her middle name to be Jane, and that we call her Jane.” The mother is so glad that the pain is over, she doesn’t have time or energy to wonder why he came up with that idea, so she says “Of course. We will name her Dorothy after my aunt, and her middle will be Jane.”

Welcome to the world, Dorothy Jane Milam.



Chapter One

First Memories

1944


I was raised in the “Silent Generation”, also known as Traditionalists; born between 1928 and 1945. We are characterized by our resilience, work ethic, and conformity, shaped by growing up during the Great Depression and World War II. At the time, I wasn’t aware of much, let alone what that meant. But looking back over my life, I realized it played a defining role in who I became. I respected authority, probably too much, at least in my younger years. I looked to leaders, especially men, as if they were in a completely different category. They had the answers to everything. I was just on this earth to serve them.

My very first memory: I am sitting at the kitchen table with Mom, Dad, my older sister Ruth Ann, and my younger brother Johnny. My father’s brother Uncle Bob and his friend, who are visiting from Indiana, are also here. It is dark outside, and inside, all the lights are out because the sirens are sounding. The country is having a nationwide drill in case of an enemy air attack. The whole city is in a blackout. We’re all clustered around the table. Suddenly Uncle Bob strikes a match to light his cigarette. His face shows patience and confidence that everything will be all right. I wasn’t afraid. That flash of light and my uncle’s face is my only memory, I was around four years old.
 
Chapter Two

Parents Background

1914-1917


My parents are both born and raised in a small town in Indiana. Dad is the second oldest of seven children, four boys and three girls. The first child, a boy whom they named Lloyd, is mentally challenged due to a difficult birth. During labor they used forceps to pull the child out of the womb, which left him with brain damage. There were no schools for a child with his disabilities. They had institutions that would take care of him if necessary. But his mother makes the decision to keep him at home. He doesn’t talk, he just exists, he is a gentle soul. The other boys are my dad John, then Harold, and Bob is the youngest. The girls are Goldie, Mabel and Caroline.

Florence, my mom, is the oldest of three, then her sister Ruth and brother Ed. The depression is affecting their lives, raising children is difficult. At the age of eleven, Florence, my mom is sent to live with another family as a helper. I don’t know if mom’s parents thought it would be better for her to live in a home that wasn’t poor, or maybe they were so poor they couldn’t keep her at their house. Mom worked for this other family until she got married.
 
Chapter Three

Parents’ Marriage

1936


When she graduates from high school mom finds a job in a basket factory where she meets dad. They fall in love, get married and start a family. Soon, the job in the basket factory ends, my sister Ruth Ann is born. When my sister is a year and nine months old, I am born. This is in Logansport, Indiana. Times are difficult. Dad can’t find work and mom is busy with two small children.

They take a chance and move to Columbus, Ohio where they were able to buy a house with a small down payment, hoping they would be able to find jobs there. After they move into their new house, dad is offered a factory job in Wabash, Indiana, so now what do they do? Mom is living in Columbus with two small children to take care of while Dad is working in Indiana during the week and coming back to Ohio on the weekends to be with his family.

Mom finds a job in Ohio to help with the finances. She hires a babysitter to take care of us while she works. Dad is in Indiana working, coming home on weekends. Ruth Ann is 22 months old; I am six weeks old and being breast fed. Mom’s schedule is hectic. She gets up early, feeds the girls, goes to work, then rushes home at noon to nurse me and feed Ruth Ann. She then returns to work until quitting time. This is her typical week. Dad comes home from his job in Indiana on the weekends to spend time with his family.



Chapter Four

The Letter

1940

Despite using a birth control, Mom finds out that she is pregnant with my brother, Johnny, when I am a year old. Dad is still working in Indiana during the week. One day Mom gets home from work and brings in the mail. There is a letter addressed to her with a postmark from Indiana. She figures it is from a relative, perhaps one of her sisters-in-law sending her a recipe. She opens it, out falls a newspaper clipping from a local Wabash paper. It is an article about a car crash that involves a local couple. There are no injuries, but the article includes a photo of the car, and the names of the people involved. It is my father and another woman.

Mom is in shock! Apparently, Dad has a girlfriend during the week and comes home to his family on the weekends. This was in the 1940’s, Mom can’t call him up and ask what was going on, they have no telephone. What is her mind conjuring up? Here she is, pregnant and two small children to take care of. Her husband is two hundred miles away, he’s living the single life while she’s struggling to keep it together. What should she do? After thinking through all the options, she makes the decision to basically forgive him for the sake of the marriage and the children. But deep in her mind, possibly so deep she didn’t even realize it herself, she would pretend that she loved him but punish him in small ways for the rest of his life.

What about me? None of this is my fault, but every time she looks at me, she is reminded of the deceit, the pain it brought her. Without consciously doing it, she withholds the mothers’ love a baby so desperately needs, for the rest of her life.

I never knew what the other woman’s name was, but now I’d bet anything that her middle name was Jane and was called Jane. But I’ll never know. Now I can look back at my life and have a better understanding of why I was treated like I was.
 
Chapter Five

Elementary School

1944


Johnny is born a few months later. They are doing their best to put food on the table. Dad finds a job in Columbus, working for the Pennsylvania Railroad. His job is vital to the war effort, he is on a crew that repairs the tracks, so he can’t enlist. When he is home, he never talks to me, never ask how I am. When I come home from school and he is there alone, he simply looks at me, then continues reading the paper. He is a stranger to me; I want him to love me, but he never evens acts if I’m alive.

Our home life seems normal to me, but we have no close relatives to visit. There is no TV, no neighbors dropping in to say “Hi”. As a young kid, I don’t know how other people live, I think everyone is like us. Isolated from the world. I am alone a lot. I love to read; Mom has lots of books that are available to me. Mom is never affectionate to me, never hugs me, never says she loves me, never shows me how to do anything. My first day of school, Mom and Dad had to work. Mom tells Ruth Ann to take me to school. I’m five years old, following my sister who is basically ignoring me. We live close to the school, only about a block down the alley, across another alley and there’s the schoolyard. Ruth Ann is walking ahead of me. When she comes to the alley to cross, she runs across it. I follow. Suddenly, I hear brakes, the squealing of tires, gravel spraying out. I see out of the corner of my eye, a car coming to a screeching halt right as I’m in the middle of the alley. The driver is upset because he almost ran into me. I just keep going, my sister runs off to be with her friends. I go to the door of the school, probably looking lost, which I was. I’d never been there before, didn’t know what to do, where to go. Someone eventually comes up to me and helps me find my classroom.