Another me

First short story in years. First draft. Focus is on impulses.

Staring at the crack in the ceiling, I listen to my wife’s breathing beside me. She lays sprawled out, leg hanging out of the sheets. The fan on the floor clicks as it pushes out stale air. I’ve grown fond of the repetition during my nights. Despite the clock reading 4 am, I have no desire to drift off to sleep. This is the only time that my mind is at ease, content even. The only time I don’t have the shadow of darkness speaking in the form of fear and commands. Night time has been my solitude since a very early age. During that time, I quickly discovered that thoughts should remain just that. The deep groans that haunt me have always been laced with compelling forces of what others consider morbid. I’ve managed to avoid most actions, the commands taking hold only in small spurts.

The first time was around age 12, during a baseball game for my brother. I never really liked going to those games, too many people and too much potential attention despite my ability to blend in quite well. I went out back, skipping rocks off the bleachers- the rocks clanking, sending a vibration up the steel. Another boy, probably a year or two older, was near by . He was obnoxiously loud. The voices started in, and for some reason I had no patience to play their game. I ended up sending a rock into his skull, which was a pleasing thud as it met flesh.

My wife, Julia, has always seen something in me- or maybe it’s better explained that she fails to recognize who I really am. Either way, the past two years have been filled with constrain. It’s not that I don’t enjoy her presence, because I do, I just have to be on guard every moment. The thoughts are more muted when it comes to her, yet they do still exist.

I eventually doze off at some point, waking to sunlight peaking through the curtains. I drag myself out of bed, Julia’s hair dryer rattling down the hall. I make my way to the kitchen, my body heavy with lack of sleep.
“My sister is coming by today” Julia grazes past me, grabbing her coffee mug.
I nod in agreement, hiding my dissatisfaction.
“Maybe you can take Seth outside in your workshop, you know he is always curious about your work.” Julia hints, her tone questioning.
If only she knew how bad of an idea that is.
She would be mortified. I shrug my shoulders in an attempt to dodge the suggestion.
Julia lightly huffs, “I mentioned it already, just letting you know.”
I glance over at her, frustrated.
“Alright” I give in, knowing damn well how exhausting it will be.
Seth is a good kid, hell I would even go as far to say he is a great kid most of the time. I typically deal with his visits well. The reason being, I’m able to escape into another room when the voices get too loud. Having him alone will be a challenge that I try avoid.

I spend the next few hours in my workshop, carving out some new pieces and adding some detail to others. Seth finds his way in, blissfully unaware as he hovers over to see my collection.
“You make this all by yourself?” He asks in wonder. I nod in confirmation. He beams in excitement as I allow him to hold a few.
“Blade is sharp,” I warn. My head swarming with impulses, I hurry him along.
“Alright, let’s head back inside.” I wait by the door.
“What’s these!” Seth bounces over, rummaging through the box from the bottom shelf.
"Just some stuff that is special to me." My thoughts amp up to a loud buzz. Watching him innocently handle the array of items, I find myself feeling a sense of pride. He admires the watches, jewelry, and other personal tokens.
"Ok, time to go see what the others are doing now."

The buzz echoes, my mind racing on overdrive. Julia ends up agreeing to watch Seth, her sister needing to take care of a few things.
"I'll walk you out," The offer spills out. I instantly pray that she declines.
"Sure, that'll be good."
Frustration and happiness flood my system, the emotions conflicting to an overwhelming degree.
As we head out the door, I slide her sunglasses into my pocket. I’ll have Seth add them to my collection later.