Timothy, this is an excellent piece in so many ways. For one, I am a runner, who has completed two marathons in my lifetime. I have attempted an ultra-marathon, but I didn't finish. That is the connection for me with your wonderful story.
The reading of the story mirrors the race in so many ways. The words you use are often not common. Ergo, the reader is forced to stretch linguistically, like the runners are forced to stretch as athletes. I have already had to search for the definitions of "crepuscular" and "gelid."
"TheÂ" is in the 10th paragraph. It appears to be a typing error.
Your usage of "blister-full" is certainly understandable. However, may I suggest, that "blister-ridden" might play better in the style of writing. This is just my impression.
I am enjoying the story line as I can perceive it, but I must confess the at-times-extreme verbiage does slow my progress measurably. However, if this is your purpose, which seems to match the stresses of ultra-distance racing, then you have hit your goal dead-on. (I often do this in my poetry. I try to illustrate the point of my poem by the choice of words and rhythms used.)
In many ways this reads like a runner in the race with a little bit of the mental confusion mixed in to boot. My best marathon was about 3:38 in my prime, which means an ultra-marathon is woefully out of reach for me, physically, but not beyond my imagination.
100 elite runners in the Western States 100? I believe it! More than 60% would not finish the race? Very conceivable!
"...his body has exhausted all its resources..." About the fourth paragraph from the end I believe the "has" should be changed to "had," since this a recounting of the story. The tense of the verbs needs to be consistent throughout the paragraph.
"The voices thou..." I like King James English as well as the next guy, but I believe the word here is "though." ;)
"Just don't go to fast now..." Please, use "too" here. Thanks.
Nice touch at the end with the father remembering the Western States Medal of many years ago as he trained his son for things to come. I remember those days of running exploits and my current gratitude of being able to walk 3-4 miles in a day now.
These are my many thoughts as I read this intriguing story. I hope I haven't seemed too critical, but I was reading it in much the same way as I would read my own work for editing purposes.
I understand the story very well. I can relate to much in this story. However, it is due to my background as a runner, that kept me going through the nearly one and a half hour reading.
As I've said before there is great similarity between the writing of the story and the running of the race. Few will attempt the race. Fewer still will finish the race. Yet, the sense of accomplishment in completing such an arduous task is as much of a trophy as the medal around the neck.
I hope my review of your work is helpful and encouraging. You have great potential as a writer and obviously great experience as a runner!
I like the poetic verse, that I find in the King James Bible. Psalm 139:12 says, "Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee."
How wonderful that strength does not reside in darkness! Darkness is but the absence of light, and as you so masterfully put it...
"Your nights are filled with with darkness.
"Not perpetual, though, for there are millions of stars in the sky and a huge shining moon up high." There is no perpetual darkness, even in the night because The LORD places points of light in the night as He places Christians on the Earth. (I did add a comma after the word, "though," since it helped the reading for me. I hope you don't mind. I would like to suggest an exclamation point at the end of the second line to the end to correspond with the word, "How.")
Excellent!
Be encouraged, Young Sis, for I assume that you are a believer, due to your moniker and the subject of this poem.
As a photographer I know this all too well. As I write this I am looking at a photograph that I affixed to a canvas many years ago, painting over the highlights and out onto the canvas with acrylic paint. The point is that I made it more my own, when I used more than just my eyes. We are strongly agreed.
Your format is nicely balanced down the center line of the page. This is free verse with no perceivable rhyme scheme. This plays well with the subject matter.
As someone, who loves nature and who shares your interests, this was a pleasant poem to read.
Wow, ZE, escape times two. I think you captured the concept quite well.
Being an actor myself, this seems like a two to three minute scene in a much larger play. You may want to explore the background of her life as to why she has such dicey interaction with men. She obviously handled herself well in some rather tough scenarios.
No doubt that is the reason for the spicy language and the 13+ rating.
I, for one, hope that this young lady will escape the bad scenes right into a happy ending, that will need no more escaping. Maybe that would be a good take on this story, the escape artist escaped from the bad life of experience into a wonderful life of the hoped for.
That is another actor's perspective and I hope it helps.
Keep writing plays. You, obviously, have great passion for the genre. :D
Actually, Prosperous Snow, I like it just the way it is right now. It gives an interesting twist on a very familiar story. It makes it sound like the cat is really over any residual fear and is now ready for "some serious business."
Forgive me, but the tension between the present and the potential future makes me wonder if the title would be more accurately served to be instead, "Whirled Pieces." XD
In a slightly humorous way, all war seems to be living out the phrase, "Fighting likes cats and dogs!"
However, world peace has truly come to my home. Every day I have the privilege of seeing three cats nuzzling up to our Australian Shepherd, enjoying very peaceful naps. :D
The brisk cadence and free verse style married with the subject quite handily. Nice job! :)
We start with the rose, moving to the snow drop, then landing on the "climbing white jasmine," where the rest of this free verse poem is an exultant dance, extolling the love of our children. Family love lasts forever! It is unconditional. There are no strings attached.
Technically-speaking, this is free verse and no perceivable rhythm nor rhyme of which I am aware. Yet, these facts play well with the theme of unconditional love in which no expectations are placed upon the loved one.
I, too, have found it encouraging to write, especially since speaking has often been difficult in my life. It has been very intimidating to look people in the eyes. With writing, I don't have to look at anyone to express my thoughts.
The diligence and camaraderie with other children, regarding your writing, is a great example for children and adults, who think writing might be a skill for them.
The personal, conversational tone of the article draws the reader into your world. I, for one, am very grateful to visit there.
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