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This is my blog for junior year!

Thanks to Legerdemain for the image and divider. Check out more of her work at "Leger's Shop [18+].

"Rebel against this culture that sees everything as temporary and that ultimately believes that you are incapable of responsibility, that you are incapable of true love." - Pope Francis


Welcome to my blog for junior year!


I was going to have this be really long and explanatory but that would be a waste of time. So, I'll keep it to a point. Teen culture is currently screwed up. I'm going to resist the temptation to join and see if I can turn things around for the better. How? Beats me.


"Love like I'm not scared"


That's a song lyric but I think it's a good place to start. I think that's what I'll try my best to do. Be the example. Try my best to be kind and loving to everyone. Do my best to not hate people mean to me. Maybe I'll make a difference.


This IS NOT a promise to be perfect. I'm a teenager, and I'm human. I'm not perfect. I will screw up. This IS a promise to try my best.


*Cross1*If you are offended by talk of faith in God you probably don't want to read this. I've given you fair warning.*Cross1*


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August 28, 2018 at 4:42pm
August 28, 2018 at 4:42pm
Hello, everyone! It's me! Do you remember me? I doubt it, lol. Well, after YEARS of promising to write an update, I've finally felt that I'm in a place where I can provide an accurate one. Let me start by saying that I miss all of my WDC dearly, and wish I had more time for writing for myself. But, I'm doing a lot with college. I'm going to try to give you a crash course on everything important, but know that it's hard to shove two years into one blog entry, and it's my own darn fault for not updating you more sooner. I'll start from where we last left off, and move from there.
So, it's summer 2016 and I'm about to go to college in Wisconsin, right on Lake Michigan (and by right on, I mean right on as in I'm literally looking at the lake as I'm writing this). I find out my questionnaire-assigned roommate's name is Jonah, and he seems like a pretty cool guy. We're living in the Oaks, which, at the time, was the nicest living option on campus. Essentially, Jonah and I each have our room which is connected by a small antechamber that connects to a private bathroom. And it's air conditioned (hallelujah). So, school starts and it turns out Jonah has some friends from high school that came here as well, Katie and Olivia. The four of us start hanging out and I become fast friends with Katie and Olivia. At the time, I was also crushing on Katie, which was eventually reciprocated (first kiss *Boxcheckb* first relationship *Boxcheckb*). However, that ended about two weeks after it began because Katie realized she was essentially (though she denies it to this day) using me as a rebound from her high school boyfriend. In hindsight, Olivia did tell me to be careful because they had just broken up, but I was too enamored by the prospect of someone actually liking me back to care. So, (first breakup *Boxcheckr*) things were a bit awkward after that, but we eventually decided to remain friends and everything was mostly back to normal. Over time, Jonah started to withdraw into his own room, which I hated. He has severe anxiety, combined with being a gamer, and apparently not liking me very much (the feeling was reciprocated by the end of the year), caused him to basically drop out of my life aside from the fact that we were sleeping in rooms adjacent to each other. Despite this, I remained very close friends with Katie and Olivia, and they're still some of my best friends to this day. For the record, Jonah also withdrew from Katie and Olivia's lives, although he does occasionally meet up with them. I'm not invited.
So, I started to figure out that I didn't want to room with Jonah, so I went on the hunt for a new roommate. Enter Mark. Mark was two years older than me, a trumpet player in the wind orchestra, and super nice. He invited me to hang out with him and his friends (I was super excited about this) and soon it got to the point where I would go over to his room a lot. Mark even agreed to be my roommate the following year. Unfortunately, I was just so excited at having guy friends (a rarity for me), that I came on too strong too fast. Mark suddenly "accidentally" blocked me on social media, and when I confronted him about it he told me it was a glitch. After about a week of agonizing worry, I was told by his friend that Mark didn't think I was a bad person, he just thought I was creepy and would rather not be around me. It's still painful for me to think about that, honestly, and those words haunt me to this day. I never got real closure with that situation. I never got to apologize for apparently being creepy, or talk to Mark ever again, actually. He just dropped out of my life, which was devastating at the time.
So, right after all of that, it's beginning of second semester, and I am feeling very lonely. I have Katie and Olivia still, but I want more friends. I hear about Lambda Kappa, the local music co-ed fraternity. At the encouragement of several members of the music department, I decide to join. It was an awesome experience that I unfortunately can't tell you too much about cause, you know, secrecy and stuff, but it was a great decision. Through Lambda Kappa, I've met a lot of good friends, including Darien, Lihannah, Daniel, and Nathan (all of whom are probably going to show up later in the story). During the pledging process, I got pretty close with a girl named Darien. I could tell I was going to be friends with her right away because (small disclosure) there were some blindfolds at one point and we were organized by alphabetical order and she was right next to me and I brushed against her and went "What is that?" and she said "It's a Darien!" and that was the first time I met her and that's very in line with my sense of humor. We got to know each other more, and she introduced me to a lot of her friends including Daniel (same one mentioned earlier) and Josh. Darien is a music theatre and music education double major, so she's involved in the theatre department a lot. Becoming friends with her reintroduced me to the world of music theatre. I was a music theatre kid when I was in elementary and middle school, but dropped it in high school after my voice changed. Darien updated me on a bunch of musicals, and reawakened the music theatre kid in me. I still can't sing, but I greatly appreciate theatre in all its forms. Josh is a theatre kid too, so I get to talk about theatre with him a lot as well. This had another effect which I'll get to.
So, I make it through all of the pledging processes in Lambda Kappa and get inducted as a full-fledged member, and it's awesome. However, I have another problem, this one academic. At this time, I was an English major with an emphasis in creative writing (obviously), a Classical Studies minor (so Greece/Rome stuff), and a Core Music major. Here's the problem I was facing: a Core Music major is kind of boring. It's not bad, per say, but it's kind of like a cheese pizza. There aren't many Core Music majors in the music department, most have an emphasis like Performance or Pedagogy or Education or Theatre or something. However, me with my flute, these aren't really options for me. I'm still not a very good flute player comparatively to other people my level. This probably has something to do with me not practicing as much as I should, do to a combination of business from other areas of study and laziness. I've sort of accepted it at this point, but that rules out the Performance option. Pedagogy is only for pianists. Education and Theatre both require way more classes that would cause me to have to give up my English major, which I refuse to do, so I'm left with only two options. I can either remain a Core Music major, or try my hand at Composition. There aren't a lot of Composition emphases at my school; it's a self-designed emphasis which means that there's no official track. You just meet with the music theory/composition professor and he has a basic set list of class you do. So, I decided to try this. I met with him, and he told me that I needed to take Music Theory I before he'd allow me to be a composer. Normally, that wouldn't have been a problem, but my first year advisor messed up my schedule so I was actually a year behind all the other music students. I had to take freshman classes as a sophomore. Which propels us into my second year at college. Nothing important happened over the summer, really.
So, after the whole Mark debacle, I was left without a roommate for the coming year (I had told Jonah I had found a roommate and by the time Mark "dumped" me, he had found a new one as well). So, I signed up for another Oaks room by myself. However, this time, I signed up for one with no dividing wall. Just a room with two beds, a bathroom, and air conditioning. Typically, if you have no roommate, they assign you one. What happened with me is a guy signed up for the other bed in my room (without my permission) and he became my new roommate. His name was Jesus. He asked me to call him Jesus, as in Jesus Christ. Things seemed like they would be okay, maybe. He seemed nice enough. I even bought a futon for the room. Boy, was I wrong.
I am a messy person. I've worked on it, but it's just part of who I am. Jesus is a complete controlling clean freak. So, we got into a lot of arguments about cleanliness. But that's not where it ends. Jesus tried to control my entire life, essentially. He tried to get me to stop being friends with Katie and Olivia, introduced me to his friends, basically told me what I should do and how I should do it. I did not take that well. Once, I was doing homework in the room and he was blaring music. I asked him if he could turn it off or put headphones in AND HE SAID NO. He said if I wanted to do homework, I could go to the lounge, but the room was a place for fun. This did not sit well with me. So, I got my revenge that night. I am a night owl, and I got back to the room at like midnight. Jesus was asleep. I still needed to do my homework, so I turned on the light and started doing it. For an extra touch, I munched on pita chips. He got very angry and I told him since I didn't get my homework done earlier, I needed to do it now. He said that if I wanted to play that game he would, and he got up and started playing loud music, including mariachi music. However, I was still able to fall asleep, or at least rest with my eyes closed until he saw the loud music thing wasn't working and gave up and went to bed. The next day, we had a roommate mediation with an RA (horrible idea), and we agreed as part of our new rules that we wouldn't speak to each other. It was the best week of living with him I had.
Parallel to this, I'm making a new friend. Above, I mentioned Lihannah, one of my friends from Lambda Kappa. Well, she is late to everything and very busy. One day, I see her hanging out with a new guy I've never seen before. I go up and say hi, because being friends with Lihannah is a nice way to meet people. She introduces this new guy as Chance, a guy she met at Intervarsity. Chance seems like a really cool guy, and I hang out with them for a while. Then, the next day, I see Lihannah and Chance again. I find out that she set up a time to meet him again the next day, and actually made it early to see him. This is INCREDIBLY unusual for her. So, I start to know something's up. Sure enough, a romance is blossoming between the two, which I'm incredibly happy for. However, my anxiety got the better of me. See, Chance is a really good guy, and I really wanted to be friends with him. But, I was still shaken over the whole Mark thing, so I didn't know how best to do it. I would work myself up into anxiety attacks about it, but then, one day, I'm eating lunch with Katie and Olivia and who should walk over but Chance, and he asks me for my phone number so we could hang out. I've only ever had someone ask me for my phone number once before. Usually, I'm the one that has to ask. I was so happy that he took the initiative to ask me. We ended up becoming really good friends, for a number of reasons. One of which was we discovered that we had both had Jesus as a roommate. He knew I hated my roommate and that he played mariachi music, which gave him clues. but one day Jesus came into the student union and I said "Ugh, there he is" and Chance was like "Jesus is your roommate? He was my roommate last year!" and so we were able to bond over our shared experience of living with him. Also, I helped "negotiate" (for lack of a better term) his relationship with Lihannah. Chance had never been in a relationship before, and Lihannah had some reservations about dating him, but I acted kind of as an envoy. Essentially, I made sure that neither was flying in blind, and reassured them that they were both interested in each other, helped talk Lihannah through her reservations about dating Chance, and told Chance when she was ready to be asked out. They're still together, and it seems like they're a forever match, but, even if they aren't, I'm going to treasure that experience for the rest of my life, because it made them both so happy.
Back to Jesus. Things got worse and worse, 'til eventually I discovered him keeping alcohol in the room. Actually, Olivia discovered it. He had put it in a trash can in the corner that you had to step on to open the lid. So, the rule on campus with alcohol is that if it's in your room, even if you didn't know it was there, you get in trouble. This was too much for me. He had promised he wouldn't keep any in the room, and I became a nervous wreck all of the time. Eventually, I decided to report him and hope I wouldn't get in trouble because I reported it. The housing staff pressured me into not officially reporting it. The lady told me that I could report it, but my name would go down as the person who reported it, and they can't kick a person out of a room unless they physically harm their roommate, and so I'd be stuck with him. She suggested instead that I talk to him about it and ask him to remove it. I thought this was a horrible idea, but I agreed to do it because she made it sound like the better option. Long story short, that conversation ended with me sleeping in the student union because I didn't feel safe. The next day, that same lady put me in an "emergency room" in the basement of one of the cheaper, non-air conditioned dorms. After some hassling, I ended up staying there for the rest of the year. It wasn't air conditioned, but it was one of the few traditional dorm rooms that had a bathroom in it, so I couldn't complain too much. I moved my stuff out (bonus points for Jesus's reaction when he found out Chance and I were friends) and didn't have a roommate for most of the rest of the semester.
However, towards the end of the semester, I received an email from a guy named David saying that he needed to move rooms because his roommate snored so loudly he couldn't sleep. I was sympathetic, and met with him. We compared sleep schedules and I decided that it probably wouldn't be the best fit, and he said that I was only the first person he tried, and so he would try others. Three days later, I get an email from that same housing lady. They're emergency moving David into my room because I'm the closest to his original room. This made me very angry because they were unable to do that for me, they had sent me on an odyssey to obtain a guy's permission to move into his room, and after my express dispermission they move a guy into my room. So, I wasn't very happy, but I determined to make the most of it. David and I actually ended up getting along really well, and I'd probably still be rooming with him if they hadn't built the Tower. The Tower is the newest living option on campus. It's an eight story building with air conditioning and rooms that have two beds and then a bathroom connecting it to another room with two beds. The Tower also has kitchens, a first on campus. I decided I wanted to move into the Tower, but David decided he wanted to live in a split Oaks so that he could sleep when he wanted without interrupting his roommate or vice versa. So, we parted ways on good terms. I managed to find another roommate from Lambda Kappa named Nathan, and hopefully he and I do well together. I think we will. We don't know the guys in the other room, but one of them moves in soon.
Back to composition. After Music Theory I, I enrolled in composition classes with the composition professor. I wrote a flute-piano piece and a flute-bassoon piece, and the professor says that I am very good. I actually ended up performing the flute-piano piece for my end of the year jury (check to make sure I'm still good at music). All of the faculty loved my piece, especially my flute professor. So, I am safely a composition emphasis now. I'm even composing incidental music for the college's fall production of Ajax by Sophocles. I'm super excited and I don't feel like a cheese pizza anymore!
So, there are two things left to talk about from sophomore year. First of all, Lambda Kappa elections, I decided I really wanted to be First Vice President of Lambda Kappa, and so I started preparing myself to do so. Everyone told me that they thought another guy named Eric was going to win, and I was somewhat discouraged. However, I still did everything I could to prepare. I shadowed the current First VP, went to eBoard meetings, did everything I was allowed to do to obtain information. Eric did none of that. I memorized a speech and put on a suit. Eric did none of that. And, when elections came, who won? Eric. Because, you know, that's how life goes. Now, I'm sure Eric will do fine except for one thing that really bugs me. Eric has, not once, but twice missed the most important initiation ritual that Lambda Kappa does, which is presided over by the First VP. He's missed it to do Drum Corps stuff. He's planning on doing Drum Corps stuff again this year. Do you see the problem? Darien also ran for first VP, and I would've much rather she got it. She attended the meetings and stuff too. She deserved it. Eric didn't. But, you know, popularity. But that's not where the election troubles for me end. Elections are trickle down, so if I was nominated for First VP (I was) I am also allowed to run for any position below First VP. So, I also ran for Secretary. That went to Darien, and I'm happy for her, but I would've loved to have been that too. Then, I ran for Treasurer. Lost that too. Then, I ran for Public Relations Chair. Lost that too. Then, I ran for Usher Chair. Lost that to Lihannah, and I'm very happy for her because it was her last chance to be on eBoard and she got it. But, you know, I would've liked to have been on eBoard. I ran for 5/9 positions, and lost every single one. Apparently most of them were close. I wouldn't know because the results aren't shown to the candidates, but that's what my friends say. But that was absolutely devastating to the point where I thought about dropping out of Lambda Kappa. I felt so disliked. I asked like seven different people why they thought I didn't do well and they all said the same thing: I'm too negative. Well, I have another chance next year, and I am going to run for President. I'm working on becoming positive. This is partially motivated out of spite, but if it makes me positive, whatever works.
The other thing left about sophomore year: Sigma Tau Delta. So, I joined Sigma Tau Delta, the honors English fraternity. As it happens, there are 3 eBoard positions, and 3 regularly attending members eligible. I became good friends with the other two members, and between the three of us we chose which positions we wanted. So I am President of Sigma Tau Delta, English honors fraternity now. Sigma Tau Delta (or STD, as we call it) has kind of had a burning of the library of Alexandria in recent years, and most knowledge and prominence has been lost. I'm working with my fellow eBoard members to remedy that. We're already making advances, figuring things out ourselves (I discovered a lost 2000 dollars that the previous president didn't know we had). We're also recording everything that we do in a document, so future eBoards won't have to relearn everything without a guide. This is extremely beneficial to me. I'm relearning how to lead a group, getting something that looks great on my college resume, and making great friends. And, when I run for President of Lambda Kappa this year, I'll be able to say that I have experience running a fraternity (something else people said I could've had that would've given me a leg up). I'm very excited about this, and look forward to the coming year.
Which brings us to this summer. My parents wanted me to get an internship, so I applied for a SURE (Summer Undergraduate Research Experience) at my college. The way SURE works for English students is you find a professor, come up with a research topic, and submit it for approval. Only 5 out of all of the Arts and Humanities SURE proposals get approved. I decided to submit a proposal to study the evolution of the American short story in the early nineteenth century with the American Lit professor Prof. Brennan. I got approved! So, this summer, I have been on campus studying early nineteenth century short stories. Very quickly, we discovered that I had chosen too broad of a topic to effectively produce a paper on it. So, we narrowed in quite a bit, and yesterday I finished the body of a draft of a paper about anonymity in the 1841 and 1842 editions of Graham's Magazine. Graham's was one of the most successful literary magazines of its time, and in the time period I'm looking at, Edgar Allan Poe was the editor. There's lots of cool stories, including my personal favorite, "Miss Thompson", which I'm linking here   for you to read if you're interested. It's a very funny story with a lot of layers, a lot of which I analyze in my piece. I still have to write the introduction and conclusion, but I'm mostly done with the first draft of my piece. It is 5349 words at the moment. I'm also planning a companion short story to the piece, which I may or may not publish here. See, I'm reaching the point where I don't know if I can put my work on here anymore. I'm planning on taking the anonymity piece and the companion short story and publishing them in the Sigma Tau Delta publications, which I imagine creates a copyright. I'm also going to submit my paper for consideration to present at the Sigma Tau Delta International Convention and the National Conference of Undergraduate Research, as well as whatever other conventions my professor wants me to submit too. But, if I can, I will also post it here. I'm very proud of myself for getting this far and doing all of this research, and having a put-together product. I hesitate to say finished because it's not finished, but it's very close. I'm so excited.
Also over this summer I've been becoming better friends with Chance. He's been doing a SURE project in physics, which I don't really understand. Something about cold gas between stars. Since he's from Colorado, he's been living with Lihannah's family all summer, bless him. Lihannah's family is great, but I would not want to try to live with my girlfriend's family all summer, if I had one. But, because he and Lihannah have been here, I've been hanging out with them a lot. Especially Chance, because Lihannah's family goes on vacations a lot, so he's had to housesit a couple times. I will keep him company while he housesits. He even took me to their house while I was sick with a cold and risked getting sick himself just to hang out with me. I used to be worried he was just friends with me to appease Lihannah but I don't worry about that anymore. Two weeks ago, his project was done and I was really lonely all by myself on campus. He drove forty five minutes from Lihannah's house just to hang out with me, two days in a row. He really is a gem, and I'm glad he's my friend.
Well, school starts next week, and I'm hoping everything goes well. I have an 8 am class on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays *Sick*, and a night class on Wednesdays from 6-9, so I am gonna be very tired on those days. But, mercifully, I only have one class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so it evens out a bit. I'm also going to be taking Advanced Writing: Fiction, so I'll be producing a lot more fiction to add to my portfolio on here!
Oh! Also, I joined the Shakespeare Troupe on campus. We did Twelfth Night last year, and I played Feste, the Fool. I've kind of absorbed him into my personality. Everyone said my performance was great; I had strangers coming up to me and saying "Good job!" for like two weeks after. It was a surreal experience. I don't know what show we're doing this year, but I'm crossing my fingers for The Merry Wives of Windsor. I'd love to be Master Ford, but they'll probably stick me in a fat suit for some Falstaff scenes too (we rotate who plays who in different scenes so everyone can get to play who they want to play). We'll see what happens, but I hope it works out.
The reason I mention that is because I'm playing Feste again over at "Wdc 18th Birthday Masquerade Party [13+]. It's the one event a year that I promise myself I don't miss, because it was the first event where I really got involved with the WDC community. So, if you want to say hello, I'll be over there, or don't hesitate to shoot me an email whenever. I still check my email on a somewhat daily basis, so I'll probably respond pretty quickly.
Thanks for catching up with me!
February 29, 2016 at 8:47pm
February 29, 2016 at 8:47pm

The Mom Song
Anita Renfroe

** Image ID #2070673 Unavailable **

So, I had a lot of funny songs I thought of. But, I decided that they wouldn't really be appropriate for this blog. I'll leave those to the legal adults (don't disappoint me).
So, I instead to go so far back (or forward, depending whose perspective you're viewing from) that I end up at "The Mom Song."
This was my very first YouTube video. This was the first YouTube video I ever saw. I was in fifth grade, so that was about eight years ago. Which, incidentally, is how old this specific video is. It's still pretty funny, and it was also my first exposure to the William Tell Overture, which is awesome. Such a good, clean song.
Well, I can't believe I've made it all the way through this challenge. But, hey I did it.
Also, I found out today I didn't get the Regis scholarship, which is disappointing. But as long as someone from the orange team wins, I'll be okay. I still want to go there, but I'm not sure if my friends will be able to go. We'll just have to wait and see.

"Sugar, We're Going Down" by Fall Out Boy
February 28, 2016 at 11:06pm
February 28, 2016 at 11:06pm

Alone Together
Fall Out Boy

** Image ID #2070673 Unavailable **

I love Fall Out Boy so much. This is one of my favorite songs by them, and I think it perfectly describes my sentiments about where I am right now. It's kind of sad, kind of regretful, but also looking forward to the future. It's accepting what happened, and what is, and what may not be, and is moving on.
For those of you watching the music video, I'm sure this makes no sense, but, basically, for their new album, the band took each song and made a music video for it, and each music video comes together to form a 45-minute movie, which is basically a B-horror film. It's got Courtney Love, Elton John, Tommy Lee, Big Sean, 2 Chainz, and Foxes in it if any of those interest you.
I cannot believe I've almost made it through this entire challenge. I think this will be the first Soundtrackers event I've actually completed. I'm glad I've been able to hammer it out, but I don't think I'll be able to handle another one for a while. But, hey, next time a Soundtrackers event rolls around, maybe.
I've been working on a short story for most of today which I like. It's a bit of a cautionary tale, and a lot more "adult" than most of my stuff. I'm probably not going to upload it here, but if I do it will be passkey locked. I also had another idea for a story after this one, that'll be a direct homage to a very famous story. It'll be cool.
February 28, 2016 at 11:06pm
February 28, 2016 at 11:06pm

Alone Together
Fall Out Boy

** Image ID #2070673 Unavailable **

I love Fall Out Boy so much. This is one of my favorite songs by them, and I think it perfectly describes my sentiments about where I am right now. It's kind of sad, kind of regretful, but also looking forward to the future. It's accepting what happened, and what is, and what may not be, and is moving on.
For those of you watching the music video, I'm sure this makes no sense, but, basically, for their new album, the band took each song and made a music video for it, and each music video comes together to form a 45-minute movie, which is basically a B-horror film. It's got Courtney Love, Elton John, Tommy Lee, Big Sean, 2 Chainz, and Foxes in it if any of those interest you.
I cannot believe I've almost made it through this entire challenge. I think this will be the first Soundtrackers event I've actually completed. I'm glad I've been able to hammer it out, but I don't think I'll be able to handle another one for a while. But, hey, next time a Soundtrackers event rolls around, maybe.
I've been working on a short story for most of today which I like. It's a bit of a cautionary tale, and a lot more "adult" than most of my stuff. I'm probably not going to upload it here, but if I do it will be passkey locked. I also had another idea for a story after this one, that'll be a direct homage to a very famous story. It'll be cool.
February 28, 2016 at 11:06pm
February 28, 2016 at 11:06pm

Alone Together
Fall Out Boy

** Image ID #2070673 Unavailable **

I love Fall Out Boy so much. This is one of my favorite songs by them, and I think it perfectly describes my sentiments about where I am right now. It's kind of sad, kind of regretful, but also looking forward to the future. It's accepting what happened, and what is, and what may not be, and is moving on.
For those of you watching the music video, I'm sure this makes no sense, but, basically, for their new album, the band took each song and made a music video for it, and each music video comes together to form a 45-minute movie, which is basically a B-horror film. It's got Courtney Love, Elton John, Tommy Lee, Big Sean, 2 Chainz, and Foxes in it if any of those interest you.
I cannot believe I've almost made it through this entire challenge. I think this will be the first Soundtrackers event I've actually completed. I'm glad I've been able to hammer it out, but I don't think I'll be able to handle another one for a while. But, hey, next time a Soundtrackers event rolls around, maybe.
I've been working on a short story for most of today which I like. It's a bit of a cautionary tale, and a lot more "adult" than most of my stuff. I'm probably not going to upload it here, but if I do it will be passkey locked. I also had another idea for a story after this one, that'll be a direct homage to a very famous story. It'll be cool.
February 27, 2016 at 11:59pm
February 27, 2016 at 11:59pm

The Battle Is Not Ours

** Image ID #2070673 Unavailable **

So, as established, I LOVE Veggietales songs. And, since I work in the church's nursery, I still get proper exposure to them. I still think that whoever composed for Veggietales is, like, one of the best composers ever.
So, this one is kinda slow, and I don't think I liked it very much when I was little. But I like it now, and I'll get to that after I explain the context.
So this one is from Esther: The Girl Who Became Queen. For those of you who haven't been exposed to the story, basically here's what happens. So, the Jews are living in one of the empires (Persian, I think) of the past. King Xerxes sends for his wife, Vashti, to come be gawked at by his advisers at a party. She refuses, and so he divorces her. Then, he decides he wants a new queen. So, basically, he has his men collect all of the beautiful women in the province and puts them in a harem. One by one, they are presented to the king, and he chooses one of them. Well, he happened to choose Hadassah, a Jew. Jews weren't really liked at the time (what else is new), so to conceal her Jewish identity she used the name Esther. She becomes queen, but then this guy Haman who hates Jews tricks the king to signing an order to make it legal to kill all Jews. Anyways, Esther, after much consideration, reveals herself as a Jew and tells the king that he accidentally signed an order to kill Jews. He gets pissed at Haman, hangs him, and passes a new decree that allows the Jews to defend themselves. The Jews do, and then celebrate with a feast that is still celebrated today called Purim.
So, this song, which is the theme for the watered-down Veggietales version, is the song she sings just before she goes before the king, to reassure herself.
Like I said, I'm not a huge fan of slow songs, but I like this one. And it's also a really easy melody. So, when I'm nervous before an audition, I play this to calm myself down. Of course, every audition I've played it before has failed, but that's probably just because I've failed every audition. {e:shrug}
February 26, 2016 at 10:26pm
February 26, 2016 at 10:26pm

The Middle
Jimmy Eat World

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I have a feeling this is more Fivesixer and Char 🌈|Reviewing| 's style, but I like it. I can't exactly put my finger on exactly why I like it. Let me explain.
So, this is the newest pep band song we have (both in time since it was written and time we've been playing it--- released in 2001, been played since 2015). I remember when we first played it, it sent shivers down my spine. I couldn't exactly, and still can't, figure out why, but it makes me feel happy. It makes me satisfied. It makes me at peace.
And then, I found out the lyrics, and voila, the lyrics even fit the mood of the song. I swear I hadn't heard the lyrics before, so imagine my surprise when I found out the lyrics matched the emotions the music itself inspired in me.
Props to Jimmy Eat World for managing to make their music convey the lyrics intended meaning. Few songs actually do that, but this is one of them.

So, I watched episodes 4 and 5 of American Horror Story: Hotel today. I gotta say, this season is the one that creeps me out the most. I mean, it's not really scary. Just creepy. Especially since the main method of killing is slit throats. I just, that makes me really uncomfortable. And I know there's going to be a lot more. And the subplot with the schoolchildren, that's just messed up. Like, I even knew it was going to happen (I may or may not have gotten impatient to watch it and read the summary on Wikipedia), and it was still freaking freaky.
That being said, props to Lily Rabe in her portrayal of Aileen Wuornos. See, I like Lily Rabe as an actress, and I've always enjoyed her performances, but all of her AHS characters thus far had had that bit of tenderness or something. Even when she's possessed by a demon. You'd have to watch her to know what I mean, but I was shocked when I say her enter as Aileen. I thought to myself "That can't be Lily Rabe. That can't be." It probably didn't help that she was caked with makeup and a wig (props to the makeup department as well), but this character was unlike anything she'd portrayed before. Absolutely unrecognizable. Even her voice was different.
That whole episode was very good. In fact, they made a little three minute video on it, so here it is.

Okay so I just spent the last half hour watching Inside American Horror Story: Hotel videos, and I am impressed. Apparently Sarah Paulson was recording for this show and The People v O.J. Simpson at the same time, so props to her as well.
Props to American Horror Story in general. It's a cinematic masterpiece.
February 26, 2016 at 12:21am
February 26, 2016 at 12:21am

What a Catch, Donnie
Fall Out Boy

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I will finish this if it kills me. I will finish this if it kills me.
I don't know how I ever did blogging every day. It's actually really hard. And I'm not even doing it every day, really. My respect goes out to you daily bloggers, because I've apparently forgotten how to do it. Or, alternatively, I've developed a normal high school social life so I don't have time to. Or homework. Or bad time management. Probably the last one.
Okay, so let's go back, let's go back, let's go way on way back when. It's time for a *Buttonrewind*REWIND!!!
So, let's go back to February 4, 2014. My very first Soundtrackers entry. The infamous "Some Nights. (S/O to lizco252 and Fivesixer for commenting on it even though it was perhaps the most emo thing I've ever written. The thing was, I really identified with this song it and it expressed how I felt. So much so that I made this.
Me, basically.

Well, I have found a new song for summing up how I feel, and it is no longer a song about an existential crisis to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's "Cecilia."
Oooh, I just had a fantastic idea. I'm going to copy and paste what I wrote about "Some Nights" and rebuff it with lyrics from this song, and how I feel now. Then you all can see how much I've grown in the past two years.
Old stuff will be Light grey, new stuff will be bold.


This is the story of my life right now.

Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Okay so as you may or may not know I am extremely socially disadvantaged. I sometimes feel like I have everything possible working against me. If my friends actually let me know about what parties and stuff are happening I can't go because I don't have a ride. People for whatever reason find me annoying, and no one cites a specific reason ever. I don't like the popular things, football, stuff like that.

I'll be fine till the hospital, or American embassy.
Yeah, I'm in a pretty sucky social situation at school right now. It's scarred me pretty deeply actually, which I didn't realize until I was thrust into a *normal* social situation at a college scholarship competition. But, for now, I'm stuck, but I'll be fine until I get out.

Some nights I call it a draw
And yet other times I am completely happy with everything and wouldn't change a thing.
I still want you back.
Yeah, something along the lines of Stockholm syndrome. It's the only way I can actually enjoy myself at school. I know some part of me will probably miss the fun high school times while I'm in college, but not enough to bug me.

Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle
Sometimes I have so much fun just talking and having conversations and people seem to really appreciate what I have to say or at least acknowledge it (I love it when Isaac says 'that's actually kind of cool')

So just let me be.
I do still enjoy this a bit, but I don't depend on it anymore like I used to. I'm just doing me, and people seem to respect that now.

Some nights I wish they'd just fall off
And more often than not I find myself saying something that is turned against me. Even if there is nothing wrong with what I say. People either think I'm strange, turn it around to make me a laughingstock, or reply with something intended to be insulting to me.

I got troubled thoughts, and the self esteem to match.
This is more a statement than a remedy. I mean, yeah, I still get these thoughts. But I know they're just that. Thoughts, not reality. And of course, my self esteem always matches my mood. I can't change these things about me, it's best if I just accept them.

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Yet I continue on. I'm sure I could find people who appreciate me more. But I don't look. I deal with whatever happened yesterday and hope that the next day will be better.

They say the captain goes down with the ship. So when the world ends will God go down with it?
I was prepared to go down with that ship, the hope of being fully accepted. But now, I see how stupid that was. This lyric kinda points out the stupidity of going down with the ship if you can get off it. And I did.

Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for oh
And the ultimate question is how far do I go? How much am I willing to put up with? Will I ever just give up?

I'm the one who charmed, the one who gave up on you.
Like I've said before, I don't depend on these people to make me happy anymore. I've essentially given up on them, but I still hang around them cause it's not worth hunting out a new batch of high school friends second semester of senior year, and besides I'll be fine till the hospital.

Whoa oh oh (What do I stand for?)
Whoa oh oh (What do I stand for?)
Most nights I don't know anymore...
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh,
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

And then this is solely for musical purpose.

Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman
Maybe he won't find out what I know
You were the last good thing
We're going down, down in an earlier round
And sugar, we're goin' down swinging
Dance, dance, we're falling apart to halftime
Dance, dance, and these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me
This ain't a scene, it's a g*****n arms race
This ain't a scene, it's a g*****n arms race
One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you, only sweeter.

This also is, at least for my interpretation, largely for musical purpose. It's the choruses of all of Fall Out Boy's hits up until then, sung by the many, many young artists they fostered. Cool factoid, if you listen to this song with headphones in, the choruses will come out in alternating earbuds, like the left will start with "where is your boy" and then after the second line of that the right will start "we're going down." It's cool.

This is it, boys, this is war - what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?

Feel like this is the attitude my friends have on life.

Growing up, growing up.
This is the last chorus from their hit-chorus-bridge, but it also kind of how things are now. We've all more grown up, and my friends don't make smart decisions usually. They handle their stupid decisions rather responsibly, but they're still stupid decisions. I'm grown up enough to recognize these are bad situations and pick and choose what is good for me to be involved in.

I was never one to believe the hype
Save that for the black and white

I really hate politics, not even government politics but just social politics. Usually there's something that gets me into social trouble because of some sort of politics.

I will never end up like him. Behind my back, I already am.
So, fun fact, the reason I didn't like social politics and stuff was because apparently I'm a moderate conservative, and social media is largely moderate-to-extreme liberal. Considering social media was my main method of hearing about politics, I was a little confused. I still don't like politics, but part of that's apparently due to me actually having my own views on something, which is a development.

I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked,
I feel like I'm trying harder than ever and I don't think I've ever felt pushed out as much. My mom says I am trying too hard, like if someone's at a comfortable distance from me and they try to get closer I push them out, that's what they're doing. Makes sense. But I feel like if I don't try I won't get invited or missed anyways.
What a catch, what a catch.
I am a freakin' catch. I know that sounds kinda self-centered but it's true, or at least I believe it is. Any person who has me as a friend is lucky, cause I go out of my way to be loyal and trustworthy and a mentor and adviser and a good friend. If people don't like me, it's their own freaking loss.

But here they come again to jack my style
And yet it feels like everyday there is something new that someone laughs at me for. It frustrates me that no one takes me seriously.

You'll never catch us.
Nope. Not again. Not getting caught up in all that drama again. Never.


So, yeah, I've developed a lot in the past two years, and I'm glad. I'm still super embarrassed that this entry is online, but I'm going to keep it so I can remember how I felt, in case I ever forget.
Also, an alternative reason for picking this song was because my friend Nora is refusing to listen to it, but she always reads my blog entries and by now she's probably finished the song. 1 for 4, Nora.
Also, I'm going to start reading The Shining soon, and I'm super excited. Nora and I agreed to read it together, so I've been waiting for her to get her copy. Now she has it. Yay.


"Think!" by Aretha Franklin
February 24, 2016 at 6:07pm
February 24, 2016 at 6:07pm

Let's Kill Tonight
Panic! at the Disco

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This is the song I listen to to get me psyched up for events. I have a bit of social anxiety, like not officially, I just don't always do well in crowds. So, when I'm about to do something that involves going into a situation where I don't know people (for instance, taking one of my friends to homecoming cause I didn't want to be the senior that didn't go to homecoming), I get super nervous. I used to get sick to my stomach before going to friends' houses, for absolutely no good reason. It was annoying, and embarrassing. So now, whenever I get that feeling in my stomach, I listen to this song.
So, for homecoming, I didn't have this song on my phone yet, so I was just playing it on youtube, over and over again as I got ready for homecoming. I was super nervous cause I had to drive way out west to pick up my friend, talk to her parents, and then go to one of my school friends' houses, which I had been to once two years ago. So, I drive out there (after accidentally heading east for a block or so) and when I get there, not only is she not ready, but her grandparents are there, along with her dad, stepmom, and family.
Let me take a moment to explain that I HATE meeting people's parents. Girls, especially, but guys too. I feel like I'm being judged, especially by the girls' dads, even if there is literally no romantic connection or anything like that. Like, in seventh grade, I was best friends with this sixth grade girl and I'd video chat her pretty often. Once she said her mom was coming and I literally dove out of my chair and hid out of view of the screen. And I KNEW her mom. I'd WORKED WITH her mom. And, it's not like she didn't like me. I knew she liked me. I was just scared to be seen with a girl, for fear that I would be judged or something.
Anyways, so it is literal torture for me to stand there and talk to her dad and grandparents while she gets ready. And then we have to do the pictures (literally the most awkward thing I've ever done-- and the pictures prove it) and then we get in the car and we're trying to get to my friend's house.
I don't know if this is the case where you live, but in our city, some streets have the same name, and it's really confusing for someone like me. So of course, when I'm driving there's a whatever-street-I-was-supposed-to-turn-on on both sides of the street. And, since it wasn't the street my friend on, just a connecting street, I couldn't use the numbers to help. So, I end up on the wrong street, and I turn back, and then when I'm on the right street, I miss my turn, and so I go to work my way back.
You know how some streets have a median with like grass and concrete? Well, I didn't notice that the street I was about to turn onto was one of them (even though I'd been on the street before several times) and I turned left. Then we realized I was going the wrong way, but it was okay cause I got off real quick and there weren't any cars coming, but still it could've been bad.
Well, I eventually find the place, and then we have to take more pictures, and it took forever and I didn't really fit in so I was just talking to my friend Emily the whole time. Then, we went to the restaurant, except I didn't know where that was either, and the friend of mine I was following was speeding like 20 mph over speed limit so of course I had to too to keep up, but that was a short drive. Then, we finally had to go to school for the actual dance, and I was able to find my way there. Then, we were at the dance, which kinda sucked because the dances at my school suck (music is awful) and then I'm like do you wanna get ice cream and she goes sure and then we went to Sonic, except at this point I was sugared out from all the candy and also my stomach hurting cause of social interaction so I just got an unsweet tea. She had some sort of sundae or something. And so we just hung out there and then I took her home. It was a pretty good night.
And, the pictures that were awful? Well, before I left, my mom wanted some pictures of just me, and so my dad took some of me on my iPhone 4S, and they actually turned out really well. I have one of them as my profile picture on Facebook and people have asked me if they're my senior pictures. But they aren't. I still need to do that. *Sick*

"Ready to Go" Panic! at the Disco
February 24, 2016 at 5:37pm
February 24, 2016 at 5:37pm

Van Halen

** Image ID #2070673 Unavailable **

So, like I've established, I have a thing for happy songs with dark meaning. What? This song isn't happy you say? Yep.
Take a look at the lyrics
Well, in case you still don't get it, it's about a guy who's about to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. So, this is the song I listen to or sing when I'm depressed. I am prone to making things overdramatized in my head, and I can't help it. As a result, when I get sad, I almost always get super sad. To make myself feel better, I sing this song. At half tempo. Usually, slower helps me process it. It helps me realize that my problems aren't as big as I think they are, or at the very least, I'm scared of falling, so the thought of jumping off a bridge gets me so scared I'm not sad anymore. Either way, it works.

"Save Rock and Roll" Fall Out Boy

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