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Blog and other works of literary sense |
Size: 879 Entries
Created: November 29th, 2019 at 12:06pm
Modified: January 30th, 2023 at 8:16am
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Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot.
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| The scared feeling is still there this morning. I'm on the third day of my increased dose of antidepressant. I feel better with the new dose of anti-anxiety med. I'm far from recovery but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've learned to ignore the signs of anxiety. But they are looming over me especially when I'm in bed trying to get some sleep. Each little thing I think of turns into worry. I try not to think too much. That's what my late Mother told me. She told me that I think too much. I'll try not to. |
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| I listened to Bill Hemmer on Trey Gowdy's podcast for a little bit. Bill talked about his early life and career as a sportscaster. He revealed that his motivation was part fear of failure and the pursuit of success. I identify with Bill's fears but I don't know that it's about fear of failure. I think my fear is that I'll be left destitute someday. I don't know any of my relatives could house me when I'll be left behind by my Dad. They all have their lives and many of them are in their 70s. |
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| I had my appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. He increased my dose of my antidepressant and also increased my dose of my anxiety med. I think it might work better. |
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| Yesterday I was thinking of ways to get help. I remembered we had a relic of Fr John Seelos in the curio cabinet which my late Mother put together with statues of Jesus and the Blessed Virgin Mary. So I got up and went there to retrieve the relic. My Dad was in the living room then and he asked me what I had in my hand. I told him it was a holy relic of Fr John Seelos that my Mother sent for years ago. When I used it to bless myself the first time, I could feel my soul move. So I blessed my Dad with the relic. I blessed myself with the relic after that. I could tell the scared feelings were blunted. I could still feel the scared feelings but the effect on me was minimal. |
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This post is going to sound like the others, so if you cared you can skip it.
I'm feeling fear for no reason at all but perhaps for the future life I have to look forward to. My Dad is 93 and he won't be with me long. He's still active but he rests more than he does stuff. I have to take his BP every day to make sure it stays normal. His doctor gave him an increased dose of his BP med. Not only that, my Dad gets bruises on his arm and the last time it happened it was scary. It happened on Independence Day late afternoon. His arm was bruised from upper to mid forearm. And it looked like there was an excess of blood in his skin because it sagged with the weight of the blood. I searched online for treatments to bruises and I found it. So he had this bruise healing it took almost three weeks.
You can see why I suffer from anxiety disorder. I worry about the future and without Dad in it. I need your prayers to get through this phase in my life. |
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| I have a variety of dreams that have come to me in my sleeping hours. One thing I remember is that not only the place and setting of the dreams that recur but the people in it figure always in these dreams. I used to work in a bacteriology lab and so I have dreams about that. And I used to be in several labs doing research. These dreams have thinned out some in my sleep world. But the people in my past still appear. They aren't ominous people but I know they're not friends of mine. |
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| I had a good night's sleep. I dreamed about people I used to know. It was straight out of a Mills n Boon novel. I was the lead character. I had an attraction for someone handsome and dark. But he was involved with another woman. But she showed her true colours to him and so he turned his attention to me. There was a ball in a room and I was busy picking up stuff to wear. The man I was attracted to was due to join the ball. And then I woke up and started to feel scared again. That started my day. I don't know how much longer I can stand this scared feeling. I just took my medicines. I'm not sure if they'll work for me today. I can feel the struggle in me, good vs. evil thoughts. |
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| I'm feeling afraid. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's a normal morning. My dog is sleeping on my lap. He doesn't sense my feelings. thank God. I'm not looking forward to this day. A good half of it will be feeling this scared. The only respite I have is to sleep. |
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| My anxiety disorder is on full blast this morning. I have to be patient. And take my meds. It'll subside after the day is half over. I wonder if it has to do with my Circadian rhythm? The day looks overcast outside. I've noticed that the sunrise is later as the days pass. I can't see myself going through another change of seasons. I think the summer heat is extreme. I'll welcome the autumn season for that reason. But I fear the winter coming. It might aggravate my Dad's arthritis. And he'll be in more pain again. I wish I could go shopping instead of him going shopping. He has the money and I don't have much to spend. But he's 93 and he's not getting any younger. I wish we could win the lottery. That would solve a lot of problems. We could move to a warmer climate where snow is nonexistent. |
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| I'm struggling with depression and anxiety disorder. The mornings are hardest. I take meds for them. But only one out three is effective. I worry about everything. We're on a fixed income. The house needs repair. We make do as best we can. My father is 93 years old. And I'm 65. Retiring and getting to be a senior citizen made more depressed. I can't get a job. Writing books seems to elude me. My Muse refuses to help me with writing fiction. And I can't seem to sell what I've written. |
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