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Rated: 18+ · Book · Arts · #2206688
Blog and other works of literary sense
Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot.
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July 20, 2022 at 6:37am
July 20, 2022 at 6:37am
As an only child, I've been trained to care too much for my parents. Now that my Dad is still alive, I'm tasked with being his caregiver. But I suffer greatly from worrying over him. Every move he makes I track. When he coughs at night or daytime, I ask Jesus to be with him. I've lost a lot of weight in the last year from worrying. It seems every month, there's a new issue with his health. These issues aren't that sad-making but they add up and I'm stuck feeling fear all through the day. I need Someone to hold me back from worrying over my Dad. That Someone is Jesus Christ. I need to take care of myself first before I can take care of anyone in the family.
July 19, 2022 at 7:57am
July 19, 2022 at 7:57am
I think my Dad has a death wish. He's 93 years old. He has High BP. The doctor upped his dose twice in a span of a few weeks. He's off his statin meds permanently due to a bad side effect. Yet he eats whatever he wants and he cooks with a heavy hand on the garlic salt. I've been tasked by his doctor to monitor his BP every day. Until yesterday it was fine but it was elevated yesterday after he got back from the store. I told him to rest for 30 minutes before I took his BP but it was still elevated. It seems every time he has an activity his BP rises. I don't know what to do about it.
July 18, 2022 at 8:56am
July 18, 2022 at 8:56am
I'm really depressed. I've been thinking about when my Dad passes. I can't afford to pay the mortgage and the car. The mortgage is in both our names but the car is only in his name. I'll have to sell the house and talk to the car dealer about his car loan. I can't even manage to pay that car loan on my own. I'll have to find affordable housing and let my pets (two of the four) go to the shelter or rescue. It makes me sad to part with any pet. I'll have to rely on the charity of volunteers to take me to my doctor's appointments. I place my future in God's Hands.
July 6, 2022 at 7:55am
July 6, 2022 at 7:55am
I wonder if my life was unplanned by me. I had no chats with my parents about where I'd want to be in say, five years when I was in high school. I enjoyed high school so much and did well there. But I was like a tumbleweed, tossed about by my likes and inclinations. I never planned anything, except what I'd do that day. I lived in the present. I wasn't on the make, or gunning for top billing in any real life production in my life. I might not like myself were I someone like that. I remember hating what I had to do to make the grade in college. I liked myself well enough and approved of myself, but my subjects were of a different opinion. If I had to do it all over, I might do it all the same and remained true to myself.
July 5, 2022 at 8:27am
July 5, 2022 at 8:27am
I'll never know if I picked the right path in college. At the time I was deciding on a major. I knew I loved to write but I wondered whether I would get a job as a writer majoring in English. I also followed in the footsteps of some of the people I knew and aimed to be an MD. So I entered a Chemistry major and had a rough time of it. I tried to apply to medical schools but each one rejected me. I only got one interview and that was from my state school. But the outcome was the same. So I said I'd apply again the next year while building my GPA to an acceptable level. I never got in to medical school. So the next best thing (I thought) was to apply to graduate school. But halfway through it I got my head checked and realized I could do more things for people as a PhD working on a medical project so I abandoned applying to medical schools.

Decades later, I applied for a MFA in writing creatively. It was easy to accomplish it. I was in my element. But one thing I discovered was that they didn't help me in coursework to get my books read by many people. I'm in my sixties now and I don't earn much from book royalties thus far.

I hope to talk to Jesus Christ about my wrong path in life and pray to Him to forgive me.
June 15, 2022 at 8:37am
June 15, 2022 at 8:37am
It's a sunny day outside my window. There's a heatwave coming through. We went on an errand yesterday and left my puppy at home for twenty minutes. He doesn't tolerate heat well. When we got home he was overjoyed. But he was excited for the rest of the day. I hope this heat wave passes through quickly. I don't like to leave my puppy at home.
June 9, 2022 at 6:58pm
June 9, 2022 at 6:58pm
I'm not sure why I feel scared and sad despite my protestations that I'm no longer depressed. I think depression and anxiety are two separate things. I'm not over the anxiety problem apparently. I'm disappointed. I think I'll hang on for the ride.
May 12, 2022 at 10:07am
May 12, 2022 at 10:07am
I'm seeing my psychiatrist today. It will be 88 degrees F today at its peak. I'm concerned about my dog who can't seem to breathe that well inside the car with only the car vents. So I wind down the window to make him feel more able to breathe. He goes where I go. He has separation anxiety. This is my only worry of the day. I thought about letting stay behind with his brother. But he'll be barking forever. And creating havoc in the house with the stuff we have in it. I don't know how long the visit with the doctor will last. I'll take my dog with me. That way someone will keep an eye on him at all times.
May 11, 2022 at 7:19am
May 11, 2022 at 7:19am
I have been afflicted with mental illness. I've been depressed since 1986 when I went into a decline after being rejected by a romantic interest. I've been seeing a psychiatrist and therapist for as long. It's hard to have a mental illness. Everything is seen through a prism of sadness and hopelessness. I'm struggling through it all every day. Every single day. I have to rest a lot and recover from the onslaught of bad thoughts and sad thoughts. I'm still thinking of getting more medicine but my psychiatrist is cautious. I have to trust him. He's new. I was more stable when I was working. Now I'm retired. The last several years have been bad for my mental health.
April 26, 2022 at 12:53am
April 26, 2022 at 12:53am
My Dad saw his doctor yesterday. He has anemia. The doctor ordered him to take Vitamin B12. My Dad was late getting home from the doctor's office. He had to go to the pharmacy and get his meds that the doctor ordered for him. I heated the leftovers for my dinner while waiting for him. When he got home he looked tired. The doctor ordered for him physical therapy treatments. The physical therapy office called and left a message for him to call them and get an appointment set up. I sat with my Dad through part of dinner which was biscuits (rolls) with a hamburger patty. I checked with his Medicare advantage provider if they took the physical therapy clinic in their network. It turns out they do. So he'll be going for physical therapy to treat his arthritic knee and back. I think it's a good idea. His doctor is thorough.

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