blog of a person who seems to be invisible...
ok.. so I'm taking a next step in my life. I'm improving on myself. I'm going down this path i am on, thanks to God. I now attend a church regularly, and I like its small confines in a church building i attended nearly 40 years ago. To me it is surreal.|
Do i know whats ahead, or even where I am going? no, not at all. to be honest it scares me, but I need to step out of my fear and take charge of my life, and live it the way I and God want me to be. where ever this path goes, I'm sticking it out to the end. I feel it is a testament to who I am.
I am learning more and more everyday about myself. and improving, also trying to make amends for past mistakes.
But one can only make amends for mistakes where there was mistakes to begin with, if people don't want to listen then that is their fault, and their loss. I wont go where im not wanted and I know I am a good man, if you don't.. well that's too bad so sad for you...
|there has been alot going on in my life lately. i have found a real woman to love me for me. She is honest, loving, respectful, not high maintenance. She really is the woman I always wanted but didn't know I needed.
Her name is Agatha. I'm glad I met her. I have never met a woman like her.She repsects me, and I'm not going to loose her, nor do anything to destroy this one. I can go the distance with this one, she wants me to.
|DAY 2605: January 4, 2020
Prompt: How keeping plants on your desk can reduce stress and anxiety What is your thoughts on this? Have you tried it in your office?
What is reducing stress or anxiety? I wouldn't know. I just went through my masonic installation for the ensuing year of 2020. its been months of planning and trying to do everything right, and get everything nailed down. I'm a mess... a total mess. It really had my head messed up, but now that it is over... Im much happier.
My title now is Worshipful Master of Nitram lodge 188 in st petersburg,fl. I'm very proud of myself.
|DAY 2556: November 18, 2019
Prompt: Reflect on the blessings of 2019, and list some of them.
2019, has been a rather rough year for me on many levels. granted most of them have been due to my own failures, but wholeheartedly, I dont consider them failures, I actually consider them learning experiences.
But honestly, I have a home, a place to live, a job, a car, a few new friends, and a couple of old ones. I have dreams, fantasies and nightmares. There are lots of blessings I have in my life and am thankful for each and every one.
I even consider it a blessing when someone leaves my life as much as I do the ones that come into my life. There is just as much good when someone leaves as there is when someone comes in.
I know I have no use for people who are broken, or dont try to contribute to anything, in any other way but suffering.
Over all i am happy and I am right where I am supposed to be in my life. The best part about it? That I got here on my own without help from any body... I'm really happy about that.
|DAY 2543 November 6, 2019
Was there a time you wanted (or needed) to say something, but kept quiet?
believe it or not there is alot of times I would like to say something but keep quiet, however the opposite it true, especially of me. Sometimes I do't know when to keep my mouth shut, and that has gotten me into more trouble than I would like to think about. It definitely is a trouble spot for me, more of a work in progress for me.
So have I learned anything by it... Yes. I have learned that sometimes silence is golden and should be used but other times it should be avoided as there are several times when it should be over written.
Someday I hope to be wise enough, and have learned enough at the time to know when to know which one to use and stop the bad energy coming to me.
|DAY 2537 October 31, 2019
Happy Halloween! Happy Samhain! Let’s embrace the day and write about fear. What is a fear you have conquered?
Conquered fears? well I think I can honestly say, I have not conquered one of my fears ever. Now I know that sounds weird, but it is true. Of course it doesn't help I have no fear within me. Thanks to the generous contribution of our Dearest USMC, I have had that part of my personality removed indefinitely.
I honestly face everything with eyes open and mind working, I fear very little if anything. so as far as conquering any one fear of mine, I have in essence conquered them all as they hold no sway over me at any time.
|DAY 2536 October 30, 2019
Discuss this quote in your blog: “Why do we resist the mystery that change brings? When we get too rigid and inflexible, rigor mortis of the soul sets in. For proof of this, we need look no further than to those who choose to stay in a relationship or job long after the soul, or life force, that originally brought it passion and joy has vacated the premises.” ― Dennis Merritt Jones
In my humble opinion, and again it is my own opinion that humans, as a whole like for things to stay the way they always have been. There is the bit of safety in the things that dont change. For example, I am a good example, I stayed in a relationship for 14 years until I realized it was a dead relationship, and even tho I tried various things to perk things up, nothing changed. Why did I stay? why not just either talk about it or just leave? Safety. I felt comfort in staying in one place where I knew it to be safe.
My mistake is not doing that which I should have done and talked about it. It might have saved something. the only thing my silence brought was pain to her and to me. I wasted time chasing someone who truly wasn't worth it, or really even good enough for me, and I ruined everything.
If you were to ask my opinion, the answer to this question is simply safety.
|DAY 2530 October 24, 2019
Use these random words in your blog entry today: touch, proportion, exempt, count, clerk, circumstance, rub, characteristic, use, nightmare. Have fun!
She stood there looking at me, and her mind was focused on whether she could touch me or not.I dont know what she saw in me. I know it wasn't my body, as I was of a normal proportion and nothing special to speak of, but I knew I wasn't exempt from all of any scrutiny she could dish out. That was nothing new to me, I couldn't count how many times I was known to not be what someone wanted or if I rubbed someone the wrong way.
For me to mistreat someone was so very uncharactistic of me, it was not something I used to usepeople for but sometimes she has plans with friends and I feeling I'm including myself in those plans without asking. and for some people this is a nightmare, but I know better than to include myself in plans I wasn't invited or wanted in.
|DAY 2529 October 23, 2019
What are your five best organizational tips? I don't know about you but trying to find a place for all the outdoor stuff gets more challenging each year. Why can't garages stay uncluttered?
my best organizational tips? well I wish I had some for you, but if you know me at all you'd know I'm not organized at all. According to my mother, I'm a slob. I disagree it just that she doesn't see my patterns in my disorderly things. that doesn't make me a slob, but its not what is normal in her mind so, that is what she sees.
but there is a problem with that.... hat is it? it's her problem, not mine. that's how I deal with it so well.
|DAY 2527: October 21, 2019
Prompt: What is your favorite autumn desert? Do you have a special memory about that desert?
Unfortunately, I do not have a favorite desert for any season. If any of you have met me, you'd see quite quickly, and clearly that no such favorite exists, that I am an equal opportunity eater. I gobble food down so quickly sometimes that I dont even taste it.
Yes, I believe this is a symptom of my depression, after all my whole reality was blown apart by me and my stupid mouth. And as usual, I eat and eat and eat. so picking a Favorite is impossible, quite literally impossible.
|so life has not been good to me, or maybe the word I should have used was that I caused my own problems, which of course I did. I ruined friendships and other things i valued, due to my own issues, which I now got a handle on.
I said things which hurt people, one in particular.I never meant to hurt anybody but I cant change what was said, nor will it ever bring a friendship back, but I have been working on my issues and am really happy where I am right now. Not that anybody ever reads my blog. But it dont matter because this blog is here for me anyway.
I am gonna get things back where they need to be, with in me, with or without anybody by me... It is after all my life and my mistakes(which by the way are the only thing that could be called your own).
Over all I am an ass, am I allowed to say that here? there is no doubt... I speak without thinking and hurt inadvertently with out a pause for the cause before hand which could have and would have saved a valued relationship. but I dont blame her for any of it.... I blame me and my stupidity. I wish I could fix it, but I'm not going to because ti try that would only cause more friction between her and me.... so, this time Ill just let it go, after all I deserved it.