blog of a person who seems to be invisible...
ok.. so I'm taking a next step in my life. I'm improving on myself. I'm going down this path i am on, thanks to God. I now attend a church regularly, and I like its small confines in a church building i attended nearly 40 years ago. To me it is surreal.|
Do i know whats ahead, or even where I am going? no, not at all. to be honest it scares me, but I need to step out of my fear and take charge of my life, and live it the way I and God want me to be. where ever this path goes, I'm sticking it out to the end. I feel it is a testament to who I am.
I am learning more and more everyday about myself. and improving, also trying to make amends for past mistakes.
But one can only make amends for mistakes where there was mistakes to begin with, if people don't want to listen then that is their fault, and their loss. I wont go where im not wanted and I know I am a good man, if you don't.. well that's too bad so sad for you...
|DAY 3087 May 1, 2021
Can beauty be found in chaos? How do you describe chaos? How do you describe beauty?
The question asked is very profound, very profound indeed. The very asking the question has me thinking about chaos and its role in life and the path through history. The question must be broken down to fully understand it " can beauty be found in chaos?" Thinking deeply about this I have come to a belief that beauty can be found in chaos, but chaos can be found in beauty at the same time.
In physics chaos is behavior so unpredictable as to appear random, owing to great sensitivity to slight changes in conditions. but it could also be the formless matter supposed to have existed before the creation of the universe.
The truth is that if you were to see pictures of things in our universe through a powerful telescope, like the Hubble telescope, one would see the beauty on the screen before you, without thinking about the chaos that exists within its realm.
As for describing chaos. well, that resents a separate set of things to me. How can you describe things we could not know much about? Chaos at its core is unpredictable as the very nature of it should be. If it were predictable, then it wouldn't be chaos.
While it is possible to describe beauty, but even that is hard to describe as it resides completely in the realm of the viewer. For it was once said that what one man finds beautiful another may not.
So the answer to the questions asked is simple, and that is, in my opinion simply this: Beauty can be found in chaos, while at the same time chaos is found in beauty. In a way, it is like Schrodinger's cat which is putting a cat in a box and sealing it shut with tape then turning to people and asking if the cat in the box was alive or not. No one could answer without opening the box, so in a simple way the cat can both be alive and dead at the same time. its the same way with chaos and beauty. the end being, chaos and beauty are the same thing, one no bigger part than the other one.
|just when I thought things couldn't get worse they do... I had to have a preop covid test before my colonoscopy and it came back positive. so now Im quarentined and out of work for 10 days. i am truly not happy with that as I am Asymptomatic.
to say that I am bored is an understatement...
At least I met someone who cares about me... really cares... of that I am happy but this drags me down.
|well hello to all. It has been a while since I've been on here. It appears it's my seventh anniversary on wide. it is something I am very proud of it is the pinnacle of my life, we right next to getting elected to be the Worshipful Master in my Masonic lodge here in Florida.
It has been a rough seven years. I made some mistakes, made a few people angry at me, including myself. I learned a lot during this time though. about myself, and how to deal with others... I even learned to laugh at myself, like when I woke up at 6:00 and thought I was late to work, so I got up, got dressed, and ran out the door. It was only when I got halfway to work that I looked at my phone and saw it was 6 pm... not 6 am... I laughed all the way back home.
This year I got my own apartment in a town called Dunedin. It is a mother-in-law suite for 00 per month all utilities included its a one-bedroom... it's great. I feel more relaxed and happier now. I just wish someone else could see how I have improved in myself. Overall I consider myself happy and successful.
Here tome true real friends on here. I am planning on having another great 7 years on here. I know where I belong and will never leave here as you all are my family. Thank you for all you do.
|Today. what can I say about today? to me, it is when I found out that those that I believed in, and called friends all betrayed me, turned their backs on me, and in any way possible walked away from me. So at least I know now where I stand with them.
Although granted, some of my actions say that it is very deserved of me to get this. I have lost everything and those that say they are there for me, are only there when it suits them. I call them Fair-weather friends and they are useless to me.
One day I will have things straightened out, but I can tell you now that those who don't care, don't mean anything to me.
Day 2915: November 9, 2020
Prompt: Use the following words in your entry: cold, blast, rain, clouds, birds, and cat.
I sit writing in a quiet room,
outside the air is cold,
the rain falls from the clouds in a pattern that could be oh so bold,
in between the drops I hear the playfulness of the cats as they try to catch the birds.
Eventually, they stop and enjoy the day,
to see the creatures that once were hidden coming out to play.
In the end, you see the way
nature does what the creator's words do say.
Then when you are not paying attention,
it comes back
that this the love even though it moves silently
hits your heart with a big ole boom.
|Day 2873: September 28, 2020
Prompt: Use these words: mountain - clover - stone
Over the rustic mountain,
down to the flowing sea,
your search for forever will it be,
if you get lucky enough to hear the tone,
your luck may forever change.
You'll find me over by the stone
out among the moss,
you must pick me to get the luck,
remember me not to toss
you know my name have not found it.
you need to look me over,
to find me
a 4-leaf clover.
|Well, I am being told feeling lonely at an empty place is normal. After all, I went from living in a house with six people in it to a place with just me, myself, and I in it is normal. but I am not sure whether I believe that or not.
I found that all those people who were so excited and wanted to see my new place are gone, no one seems interested in it anymore. And communication with friends seems to have gone as well.
And the one special person in my life has given in to her fear, and once again I face life alone, I guess it is time to give up. I'm not sure... even my writing has fallen behind and I don't take pleasure in it much anymore.
Oh well, I'll figure it out, someday.
| well, today's, or rather yesterday's topic was to discuss a topic from a very specific list. I chose Dr. Fucci's idea that we need to hunker down for fall and winter.
So here goes. Well, I am not one that thinks the virus is a fake. It exists, for real. but what is a total shame is the masks and the distancing. most people are buying the homemade masks, or, Like my company is, handing out scarf-like masks. I have talked to many medical professionals and they told me what I always thought was true. That they aren't worth crap.
You need to wear a clean one each day if its a homemade one. if it's one of the bought medical ones? well, those should be changed a few times a day, otherwise, they are completely useless. If you buy the surgical type masks, thinking this surely has to be better at protecting me? well for about 20 or 30 mins they do. but after that....no. they are made for a sterile environment and I guarantee you are not in a sterile environment. It is my opinion that it would be better to go without than to use these masks that everyone seems to claim to need.
The truth is that they are a control measure, just like the distance thing. I only wear them because I am told I need to. but make no mistake they aren't doing any good. time is the only thing that will get rid of this virus.
if my guess is right the virus will have a sudden spike within days of election days, to stop people from going to the polls. Don't do the mail-in ballots or absentee ballots(yes there is a difference!), do your duty, its not a right its a duty.... vote... we have to put trump back in where he needs to be... Our country will be ruined by Biden.
|so, here I am in my new apartment. Although I wanted the peace of my place, I was not prepared for the deafening sound that quiet has. I am almost fully set up in my new place. I like it. It takes some getting used to but it is progressing fine. I seem to be making friends and having a life outside of work.
My life is getting back to where it should have been before my big mistakes of the past. But they are of the past and that is where they will stay. I have tried to make up and apologize for them, and as long as I try, whether or not they want to listen makes no never mind to me. I me, I have tried, and karma is a B*&%, you know?
I have gotten caught up in this election as well. For those who don't know, I will vote for Trump, because I believe in the message. if you don't, that's fine, it is ok to disagree, nothing wrong with it, but just don't make the mistake of trying to force your opinions on me you won't like the outcome.
Overall, Yes, I am happy as I am, finally, I can say that with all believers. I have friends who adore me, people want to be around me. yes, I have difficulties, but I do as all Marines must, I improvise, adapt, and overcome. OORAH!
|well, it's been a while since I put anything on here but trust me, I have been very busy. I have been under tremendous stress with everything that is going on here in Florida. And I have to deal with it all on my own, but I always drop in when I can but usually not for very long.
Well, I am finally moving out of my mom's house. I move into my place on September 1st. To me, that means the last bit of my former life has been swept away. I needed all that stuff and memories removed so I can be the person I am supposed to be, and the person I have always been but has been hiding behind fear and other superfluidities. I just wish the person I wanted to see me now, would see me... but alas, not going to happen. I believe she would have been proud that I am finally the man she saw inside me. But its ok, I don't need anybody's permission to be me.
The job is still a major stressor in my life. my direct supervisor is my ex's uncle. Ya! and before you say it I know its a bad thing. I agree. but I haven't killed him, yet.
My nephews have been fighting for hours today and I'm ready to Jason Voorhees them and go back to work on getting ready to move. Ahhh! well, ADHD, unmedicated kids are still kids. Comme la vie! such is life!