blog of a person who seems to be invisible...
ok.. so I'm taking a next step in my life. I'm improving on myself. I'm going down this path i am on, thanks to God. I now attend a church regularly, and I like its small confines in a church building i attended nearly 40 years ago. To me it is surreal.|
Do i know whats ahead, or even where I am going? no, not at all. to be honest it scares me, but I need to step out of my fear and take charge of my life, and live it the way I and God want me to be. where ever this path goes, I'm sticking it out to the end. I feel it is a testament to who I am.
I am learning more and more everyday about myself. and improving, also trying to make amends for past mistakes.
But one can only make amends for mistakes where there was mistakes to begin with, if people don't want to listen then that is their fault, and their loss. I wont go where im not wanted and I know I am a good man, if you don't.. well that's too bad so sad for you...
|well, its dawn, another day begins... it will bring joy and pain, happiness and sadness. I contemplate the journey before me and find that it is a daunting one. It is replaete with all of which I truly have earned, yes I believe it i Karma. and you all know what Karma is...dont you?
I will face it and not back down. I will stand up to it and tell it in my most heartfelt and stern voice that I am here. I am not going away. I will not stop going for what I want. You cannot stop me and have no power over me.I will beat you . I will not cower before you anymore. In fact, in the end, it is YOU who will cower before me.
|DAY 1549 February 11, 2017
Prompt: Use this story Lunar Eclipse and Green Comet Make for Busy Friday Night in the Sky http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/technology/lunar-eclipse-and-green-comet-make-for-... to inspire your blog entry.
well now,If any of you truly know me... you'd know that I am a science geek. liked that article, and probably wouodn't have rushed out into the cold night and tried to see both events happen.i didn't but i would have. i didnt but i would have... yes i am a geek, but at least thats who i truly am, and i make no bones about it.
the lunar eclipse, like the scientist said, could have been easily missed especially here in florida with our clouds as they are... and a small green dot in the sky full of other little dots? ya! that wont be missed(ya right). nothing much more on that right now.
science officer out
|Ok folks, another step on the road to finding who I am. I sit contemplating everything that has happened over the past few months and I realize the whole issue with that time period in my life, the whole issue was me. Plain and simple me. I know some people don't know the truth of the story, so I will tell the truth to you all.
Well the truth is that I cheated on a long term relationship. I felt the relationship had gone stagnant, lost its steam, and was laden with problems. Although not activly seeking out somebody to cheat with, found someone, and fell for her deeply. Well the problem was compounded because the affair was discovered, by girl #1.
Well let's just cut to the chase shall I? I had two women who desparately loved me and was devoted to me. I ended up being a cowered and not doing what I promised I would do and walk away for her,Girl#2, and on top of that I treated her like she was crap, like a side chick as she put it( not going to use explatives here but you get the idea), so naturally I lot her, after the feelings she had for me died a slow and painful death. well she moved on, dont blame her for it, either.
What could hve ended up being a very supportive, and fulfilling friendship, ended up getting irrepairably destroyed because I couldn't let it go. She was going to help me deal with some of my issues, but i couldnt just let it go. In short I hurt her even more, and myself in the process.
Which led me to moving out, (ya too little too late). Now I am living the life I wanted to avoid, being alone, but this is with a purpose. I am trying to repair and fix me, so one day I can have a meaningful relationship and a future.right now I dont see it happening for a while.
Now I no longer talk to this person anymore, which fills me with sadness because she could have been, and was a good and trusted friend. And she found someone to spend her life with happily. Although I do profess that if anyone deserves the happiness she feels right now with her boyfriend it is her.
ok folks there it is, for all to see the truth, of how I hurt two very wonderful people in my life. and how I am really not such a nice guy, but on the inside I know I am. I will go down that road and never stop till I find that person.
This person said to me, and I will hold on to this forever, the person inside me is there, even now she said she sees it, and to see it all someone has to do is look.
Sadly,I doubt she will ever see this, as she has blocked me and wants no further contact with me, and I dont blame her. but I was wish she could read this, the only message I wish to portray with this is Im sorry, to have a great life, as well as pass to her boyfriend that I apologize to him for disrespecting her and you and your relationship,and also to the girl#1 for not talking, communicating problems and make your happiness yours whereever you can find it.. If someone knows here, I will not mention names here, please tell her, to unblock me long enough to read this, then she can reblock me and go on with her life, I would be most appreciative.
I had to get this off my chest, in order to be the best person I can be I must take responcibility for my actions and the consequnces too.
|DAY 1545 February 7, 2017
"Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh."~ Leonard Cohen. Agree or Disagree? Which are worse physical or emotional scars?
This is one that I have extreme personal knowledge. I agree, wholeheartedly. Scars help us learn, because they remind of bad, very often painful, memories. But they also show others that we have learned certain lessons as well. There are some, like me, who are loaded with scars, so many in fact one cant tell where the scars are and the skin below is, but it makes me who I am.
Which is worse? neither, and both at the same time. Emotional scars are just as bad as physical ones. I have caused enough emotional ones. But in my opinion, and this has always been my thnking, the scars one causes, or is caused to, isn't a badge of honor, but how you respond to them is. what do you do? Do you run away and hide in a corner, or do you stand up and say im still here, or do you try to see the reasoning behind them and ensure they wont happen in the future.
for example love, scars in love run deep and hard, however it was once said that if you give up on love you could miss something magnificent, and that all you get if you give up on love is regret. I have learned that lesson through out my 48 years here on this planet.
So the answer to the question above is both.
|today... for those who are following me... it is yet another day for me. One filled with hope and freedom. I am still working on me... spending time in prayer, and in deep thought, when I can, about my life and where it is heading. I know where i want it to go but not sure God has that plan for me. I know he has something better for me.
I am down in Palmetto today for work( oh Joy!) and am taking things one day at a time, one step at a time. Giving my self forgiveness for past mistakes, that I can never make up for. Sadly I know the man in me is better than has been shown before, its sad that I cant get the chance to show him off, and to prove that he is better than the me is now, or was.
oh well another day begins.!
|ok .. this is the first day of me becoming me again. my mom told me that when I came out of the usmc, I was driven, I knew what I wanted and how to get it. I let nothing bother me and was one of the most uplifting people she had ever met. Surprisingly, that description fit a friends boyfriend, that made me think.
So I got up got dressed and went to church, in fact I went to the first church I had ever went to down in florida when we moved here 40 years ago.
Although I am not in a relationship with ★𝒦𝓇𝓎𝓈𝒽𝒶★ any more. She has been right where she needs to be in my life... A real and true friend. Trust me I don't make it easy, ask her. She has really gotten me to look deeper in me that I have in 20 plus years. Wether she is with someone or not, I still care for her in more ways than I can put in here because , by her being her, she got me to see deep inside myself and find the real man buried deep in depression,dispair, and hopelessness.
I will find love again one day, when I am ready, and able to give myself 200 % to it. actually that felt great to say... this is just the first step in my journey. If you want to come along, everyone is welcome, if not.... Hey its your loss!
Thank you ★𝒦𝓇𝓎𝓈𝒽𝒶★ for being the incredibly terrific woman I have ever known.
|DAY 1542 February 4, 2017
Prompt:Write a poem or story using these words: flammable, audience, schemer, optimum, bloodstream, desolate.
i tried for a while to write this prompt and could not do it...So I will just say that today was a good day, but extremely hard... realizing that my whole belief and my heart was a lie, but to me it was real. still is and one day i will replace it again, or at least I will try to.
|this is my entry from my other blog:
Well...i have a breakfast at our masonic lodge today.its my first one as junior warden, so its important to get it right...
I also realize after yesterday that i have much to learn about my self...i love myself and deserve to be with a good woman, and i know what i want in a person and will get it...
But my emotional state is all mixed up right now...for those that i hurt I'm sorry...i remember that the past is the past, the present is now and the future is unwritten...one shouldn't judge someone by the past alone...people learn from their mistakes and improve themselves.
I actually think that today was a good day. I learned a valuable lesson today about being true to myself and what I believe in. I realized that today I may have been wrong about a certain belief in a theory, and in a certain person.
I realized that who I am is more important than anything. And I must wholeheartedly be truthful to me. So i spend the day by myself, burning a letter, believe it or not this letter was my most prized possession I owed or have ever owned. It may not seem like much to many people, but to me it is, or rather it was.
Not only does it mark the end of a belief in something, but in someone as well. I did this not only for my sanity, but because I don't deserve what has been given to me. While I did take responsibility for certain failures, I cannot take responsibilities for failures for people to act in the boundaries of what true love is. If you don't understand what I say... look it up...
I feel that loving someone is about ownership but being in love is a partnership. it is also a choice to live someone but to be in love isn't, you cannot walk away from being in love with some one. Yes I made mistakes and I am willing to take the consequences for it, but walking away was never one of them.
I was deep in thought today about this, and I feel i can no longer harbor such feelings within my heart, as they are truly poison. I hated what I had become, and how it made me feel. A part of me died today, and I buried what was left in a spot known only to me, and this person knows the spot. I will see it regularly as a remembrance of the man I used to be, someone who doesn't exists and never will .
I post this as a marker that I can no longer be who I was... there is no one and nothing left for this person to exist for, He was hurt and there was no end in sight for him, no end for the pain, the sadness and the memories. I am sorry I let this person down, but I'm also sorry that there was compassion inside for a simple man who wanted happiness, until he drew his last breath.
|today... well it is starting out good day... I didn't sleep well last night...bad dreams i guess. but it is looking up. I will be heading to work shortly and I will be going in in a god mood... Im getting old thoughts out of my head which clears the way for new ones. Old happy thoughts had turned bad as of late.
Tonight I may go down to a beach in st. Petersburg, called spa beach to watch the sunset. It always relaxes me. that beach has been very special to me for a bit( no I wont talk about it.) it has the last good memory I have left with me. All but a single letter someone once gave me. But that someone isn't around anymore... I don't know what happened to her. I'll be willing to bet that person doesn't even remember that letter, nor will she read this. but it is what it is.I can't change it, only the other person can. But id be willing to bet this person doesn't even see the issue that I do, much less will this person talk with me about it.
I'm not going to lie but I wanted to tel them about what I see, but I fear it wouldn't be recieved well, and actually work against me, so I shut my mouth, right or wrong, until I am assured my friendship is wanted and needed I wont.It does hurt me to see a friend like that but I can't change anything.
I have a breakfast this saturday at my Masonic lodge, and since I am Junior Warden I have to run it.Oh Joy! it means lots of work for me. I also have rail cars to unload today so Im just having a great day, aren't I?
maybe the weekend will be better... ya right!