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A third journal of personal musings |
 My life always continues to change and it only stands to reason that with each change, there should be a journal dedicated to it. |
Prompt: Courage "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" Mary Anne Radmacher What do you think courage is? Is courage an innate quality, or can it be learned and developed? When I think of courage, I think of my mom. My parents went through a lot of shit when they went through their bankruptcy. My dad was older (he was 52 when I was born, about 60 when they went through their bankruptcy and we lost everything) so he struggled after awhile to get a job. My mom had been a stay-at-home mom and she had to go get a job. In 2001, my dad got into a car accident and we ended up finding out afterward that my dad had macular degeneration. He had the "wet" version and lost all direct version and could only see out of his peripherals. Because of my dad essentially becoming disabled, it put a lot more onto my mom. We also didn't have a lot of money for things, but she always managed to make sure Christmas happened, our birthdays, that the bills were always paid, that my dad made it to every single appointment. She never complained, never got mad (she didn't even swear)(though she did get disappointed and I'd rather yeet myself from the top of a building than disappoint my mom), she just did whatever she had to do. She sacrificed a lot of herself for us, for my dad. I think courage just is. Every day you get up and deal with your life, that's courage. Every day is courage. It might make it seem like courage is cheap, but life can be hard. Mental health can be really tough. Brushing your teeth could be courage. Making your bed. To others that's just something that can be done, but to someone who's fighting depression or anxiety (or both), it can be an accomplishment. Sometimes it's doing something you're scared of, but you're tired of being scared of it. It can be something like scared of the dark or maybe it's heights or spiders. Courage can be loud, but yes, sometimes courage is quiet like a whisper. Courage is doing the things that make sure life keeps going and that your kids don't realize how tough it is. |
Prompt: Change of Seasons "To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring." George Santayana When seasons change, say from summer to fall or fall to winter, what becomes challenging for you during these changes? And how do you think you react when life changes its seasons for you? I'm always sad when Spring leaves or Autumn changes into Winter, but as Francis Bacon said: "In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present." The stuff you hate has to exist in order for you to appreciate the things you like. I love Spring mostly because Winter sucks so much (especially when I lived in NY which is where majority of my hatred of Winter comes from). When I lived in NY, winter felt like it lasted 6 months. When Spring came, watching color come back to the land was amazing. Everything is white, gray, brown in Winter and watching green come back always just made me happy. I love Autumn for the same reason as Spring, just opposite. Watching color leave, you'd think would be depressing, but watching the green explode in other colors is amazing. The mood of the season is amazing too. It brings a comfort that maybe only introverts can enjoy. |
Prompt: "On September 13, 1990, the drama series "Law & Order" premieres on NBC; it will go on to become one of the longest-running primetime dramas in TV history .According to the now-famous "Law & Order" formula, the first half of the hour-long program, which is set in New York City, focuses on the police as they investigate a crime—often inspired by real-life news stories—while the second part of the show centers on the prosecution of those accused of that crime." Have you seen Law & Order? Is this show part of your weekly viewing? How do you feel about the format always being the same? Do you find it tedious or satisfying that you know what's coming next? If you're not a fan what prime-time dramas do you enjoy if any? I've watched OG Law and Order quite a few times. Mostly when I still lived back home and we had DirecTV, so I think it was on USA or TNT? I can't remember. Watched a few of the older episodes. I really liked (still do but haven't watched the show in forever) Law and Order: SVU. I just really loved the characters and how they had really good chemistry with each other. I didn't mind the formulaic format. I always kinda enjoyed the "twist" and how the episode would always feel like a different episode by the end. It felt weirdly...comforting (that feels like such a weird word to use) to know the show is going to be one way and then as the third act starts, it's going to feel so different from how it started. I don't watch a whole lot of TV anymore, though I saw that the Law & Orders are on Hulu, so I've favorited SVU and the OG. At some point, I'll probably just start watching some OG episodes. Be interesting to see how they've aged and if they've aged well. |
Prompt: Adventure vs. Routine "If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine; it is lethal." Paulo Coelho What do you think adventure is? And is routine all that bad? Oh boy. Routine isn't bad, though I can understand someone who lives a more chaotic life would love living spontaneously, but I love routine and planning (I'm okay with on the fly sometimes, but it really depends on how "peopley" I feel). I really need to be tested, but I feel like I have ADD and routine gets me through things and if I'm not in routine, it can be easy for me to just forget it's something I wanted to do/say/buy/etc. Adventure, in this context, is "freedom". Doing things when you feel like it, instead of scheduling or planning, or having a routine. I love people who just...wing it, wing life. I wish I could be like that. Instead, I feel like my life falls apart if any of my routines get messed with.  A lot of it, I feel has come "post-Covid" (2020-2024), which also had the extreme short-handedness at work during this time also. It was a time, for sure. The mixture of heightened anxiety and realizing I might possibly have ADD, was/is fantastic. But, while I more or less "need" routine, I also enjoy routine. It just helps make things run smoothly and helps me feel accomplish, which sometimes makes me feel like I'm a whole adult. Which, considering how I feel other times, is a wonderful feeling.  |
Prompt: “Earth and sky, woods and fields, lakes and rivers, the mountain and the sea, are excellent schoolmasters, and teach some of us more that what we could learn from books.” John Lubbock Of the natural features, what is your favorite type? Oceans, mountains, etc. I love the outdoors. I love trees, so the woods are my favorite. I also love lakes. Lake Ontario, Onondaga Lake, the Finger Lakes, Lake Neatahwanta, Oneida Lake are all lakes that are close to where I used to live in New York. All within an hour of where I used to live. There is something immensely peaceful about both of those things. Unfortunately, I don't have lakes here in Indiana (though if we lived on the very northwestern corner (nearly Chicago) of the state, there is Lake Michigan). Thankfully though, where we've moved to, there are a lot more trees, there's bugs, it feels like nature outside of my house. Even though I live in a neighborhood. But I love seeing butterflies, dragonflies, skimmers, bees, spiders, bugs. I see rabbits, raccoons, pigeons, hawks, ducks, squirrels, chipmunks, and an array of birds. For living in a suburb outside of a major city (capital of the state even!), it brings happiness to my heart and soul. The southside of the city where we've lived since I moved here, is mostly a concrete jungle. One that formed in the 80s and 90s and feels it. So where we are now, just having the trees gives me a peace I haven't felt in a very long time. |
Prompt: Autumn Impressions "Autumn is the hardest season. The leaves are all falling, and they’re falling like they’re falling in love with the ground." Andrea Gibson Write about what this quote brings to your mind? Autumn is one of my favorite seasons. I think as a kid, this poem would hit square on, because it was going back to school and missing all the fun you had during the summer. Whether it was the staying up later than I could otherwise or having fun at a friend's house or whatever, it was done and now it was school that was ahead of me. Now...I work all of the time. I don't have specific time off. I do hate looking forward to winter, but I love the holidays. Then there's spring, which is my other favorite season. There are times where I kind of wish I still had that sadness of summer leaving, with the exception of this year, most of the time I'm excited for the ungodly hot to just go away. That I can be happy to leave my house without just constantly feeling uncomfortable. I'm currently enjoying the cool down. My two cats are enjoying the windows being open and Mathew and I are enjoying it too. |
Prompt: “Bring down the curtain—the farce is over.” The last words of French philosopher and comic, Francois Rabelais What do you think of life? Is it really a farce? My official answer, no. But how life feels currently? Yes. It sometimes feels that way. Politicians breaking laws, Supreme Court allowing laws and protections to be overruled. Nothing seems to happen. How ugly people are to other people. How it almost feels like people love to be lied to, because it just fits in with what they already believe, so why have any critical thoughts? The fact that the cost of everything is obnoxious and for what? It just feels like nothing makes sense. Feels like regular people don't matter. Like constantly being gaslit and companies, corporations stopped trying to prove their worth to you. And they've taken over so much that most people don't even have options. Can't go to a different grocery store or use a different Internet, have to use Amazon because there aren't many local options for things, especially the weirdly specific stuff you'd love to find locally but it's all corporate places that carry things people want all the time, not some-of-the-time. So while I don't feel like life is a farce. I think life is wonderful and beautiful. Current society as made it feel like one. |
Prompt: Cousins “A cousin is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost.” Marion C. Garretty Do you have cousins and how much do you like them? I do have cousins, a lot actually. I'm not familiar with my cousins from my dad's side of the family, but I am with my mom's side. I went and saw a few of them (and their families) when I went back home last week. I'm not as close as my older sister is with my older cousins. That's mostly because our families got together a lot more when they were kids than when I was a kid. Even with me living in Indiana rather than NY, also with thanks to Facebook (the only reason I still have it at this point), I'm able to stay in contact with them and see their kids grow up and what they're doing with their homes, their vacations, parties, etc. I'm pretty close with my mom's side of the family, so I always love getting together with them whether it's me going back home (like last week), or a couple of my cousins have driven through Indiana (having gone somewhere else) on their way back home and we'll get together and have breakfast or whatever. They have a friend who lives somewhat close by to me, so they will stay there for the night on their way back to NY.  |
Prompt: What is your idea of a cozy home? Write about this in your Blog entry today. I think it's hard to describe it. First, I think it's different for different people, but also because...a cozy home is a feeling. I felt it about our house when we walked through it. It was a multitude of factors for us. The windows along the back of the house (kitchen and living room) brought in a ton of light from the backyard. The house has an open layout, but enough walls that each of the rooms feel enclosed and separate. It feels warm, the house has been taken care of for its nearly 30 year existence. The rooms are all decent sized rooms. They aren't too small where it could feel almost claustrophobic or too large where it feels almost disproportionate. The color of the walls can make rooms (or a place) feel cozy and I feel like we helped do that with our house. Most of the walls were white (the bathrooms all had been redone and had been painted and our kitchen had a very light pale silver gray paint given to it), we painted the office, all three bedrooms, the dining room (which is now our library), and the bonus room (the middle bedroom and bonus room were painted in some very bright/neon colors, so the colors we chose were more "normal" and calming). They feel more lived in, brighter, and in some cases more calm and relaxing. Something else we will be doing is putting art and things on the wall to give them a more "lived in" and cozy feel too. Not a lot of stuff, but enough to make the walls feel less barren. It's always interesting see people's styles and even those who like to collect things, when they're stored in an organized way, it feels cozy versus feeling cluttered. Almost like walking into an antique shop. |
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