A blog about living life in a depressed state everyday...
Welcome to my life. I am a pretty ordinary person. I have a home which I am currently sharing with my daughter and her small family IE kid and boyfriend. I work the night shift at a tape factory which means when I am not at work my favorite hobby is sleeping. I am single and hardly date which means not at all. I have a cat, Harley Quinn and a dog, Moose. Though I am single I have been in a lifelong relationship with depression. There have been times when I have willed myself out of bed, and others when I could not even do that.
Several years ago I lost my mother and both sisters to different forms of cancer all within a year of each other, one of them dying on Christmas Eve. This did nothing to help my depression and actually was a catalyst in picking up an old addiction that I had laid to rest for nearly two years. The beloved fight with the bottle. Not drinking near as much as I used to but drinking more than I need to.
I am the head of my family because all the adults are dead. This means that the kids are running the candy store seeing that those of us who are still here have never really grown up enough to be responsible to head anything. However I am the oldest living relative so that makes me the head. Where as my Mom and sisters would handle things I just try to keep everybody calm and out of jail. For the most part we all do our own thing but we still rely on each other emotionally, that makes us close.
I have never been married because I believe men cannot handle my mood swings, well the ones I have known anyway.
Yes, I have had my share of relationships, one dysfunctional relationship right after the other. The last one lasted a little over 6 years. It was inevitable it would end for he was just as crazy as me.
As I mentioned before I have a child, a daughter who I believe is just as depressed as I am. I say that because she acts exactly like me. She can also be quite the moody little dickens. She and her boyfriend live here with me along with her little girl. Her boyfriend is a good guy. He has a twin brother and both of them have aspirations of being actors. You can scoff and laugh but for living in a little Podunk town like this they have managed to get acting gigs. Yes they are extras but they are getting bigger parts all the time. Cannot go in to any details about their last endeavor, but the casting director asked them to come and film a few days. I know it's not a big part but it is a speaking part and it is something. Like I said, very impressive considering where we live which is right in the middle of anywhere America.
I have four nieces and two nephews who will make appearances from time to time in this blog. Unlike most cousins and aunties we all grew up together, because my parents had me late in life when my two sisters were half grown, I am a year and a half older than my oldest niece. This was something I used to hold over her head with great pride when we were younger. I find myself nowadays not mentioning it so much seeing as how I keep getting closer and closer to fifty. My oldest niece and middle niece live here where I do. My other two nieces live in Florida. They are my oldest sister, Janey's kids.
I also have two n'er do well nephews who live in Tennessee. They are the sons of middle sister Dana. I don't see them as much as I like but they both live lives of such turmoil, chaos, and drama I find the less I know about what is going on the better. Each of my nieces and nephews have children. They range in ages from 29-7. Some of their children have children making me and 3 of my nieces grandmothers.
So why do I feel the need to make this blog. I don't know except that writing has always been cathartic for me. It is a way to let off steam and express myself. A means by which I calm down. My biggest problem with writing is trying to figure out how to wrap something up so I can move on to the next idea.
So here it is. My blog, Depressed.
|These last few weeks have been filled with tremendous tragedy and happiness for my family. Our family experienced a profound tragedy because my niece's husband and soul mate of the past 28 years died unexpectedly in a car accident. He left a hole in her heart that will probably never heal. He left behind my niece and their three sons, the youngest of whom is only 12. My niece (Miki) has been stalled in her own grief trying to be there for her son. His dad was his world and he is having tremendous trouble accepting and dealing with the fact that his dad is gone. Her older two sons are grown, but still mourning over their dad.
Daniel was a good man, a good husband, a good father, a good brother, a good son and a good friend. He was many things to many people and he will be missed. His death as I stated was unexpected and took us all by surprise and yet in the midst of the grief, we had the opportunity to celebrate as his oldest son married one month after his father's death. It was so wonderful to gather for a happy occasion and witness this lovely young couple pledge the rest of their lives to each other. I myself wiped a tear from my eye as I saw that little dark haired boy standing as a beautiful young man. professing his love to the love of his life. My God where has the time gone?
Our little family experienced some drama when my granddaughter flipped in an old Radio Flyer wagon and broke her collar bone. She is fine but the whole experience has frazzled my daughter, who has been extremely anxious since she broke it. My granddaughter is healing fine she has been in a sling for the past few weeks but she is getting better each day.
This week coming up is her 5th birthday so we have all been running around trying to get her birthday presents and decorations. As usual her mother and I have gone a little overboard, but I think she will be happy. Also Halloween is coming up on the 31st so we have that to look forward to.
And last but not least I have been seeing someone. We had our first date the day after my nephew-in-law died. It was a blind date and I wasn't going to keep it but my niece made me go. I am glad I did. We are taking it slow hanging out and just kind of seeing where things go. Go me...
The past few weeks have been filled with both unbelievable sadness and joy. The only word I can think of to describe it is bittersweet...
|You know it is one thing to know something but something completely different to understand something. Abuse is like that. I know abuse because I have gone through it but I never really understood it. I never understood why people who are family, friends or lovers proclaim their love for you then do everything in their power to destroy you mentally, emotionally and physically. You really do come to believe your own worth is less than zero, and that you will never know anything different because you are not deserving of anything different. You really do come to believe that it is because of you, that there is something inherently wrong with you that just brings out the worst in people and yourself.
This is something you know...
Understanding this is totally different, and you may not ever understand your abuse until you see the same scenarios you have had a starring role in being played out in someone else's life. Then you begin to see that it is not you. That you do not make people crazy, that you are worth more than the bottom of someone's shoe or the back of someone's hand. And that it is not your fault.
This epiphany came to me as I sat and binged on Netflix documentaries tonight, and saw the exact same symptoms, and scenes I had gone through myself being demonstrated by different women who had gone through the same thing. And I realized the sickness was not mine but my abusers' carried out through every verbal battery, every physical blow , and every psychological manipulation.
I knew things were not right but I always took the blame for them because I believed what I was told about myself and how I was treated. But what I didn't understand was this was not true, not unique and not grounded in anything more than the other persons' need to be in power over me.
I was a victim in different aspects of my life, and I saw a very scary pattern through this realization. I seem to seek out these types of relationships. Almost every relationship I have been in has been abusive in one form or another, and while the actual carrying out of the abuses against me were not my fault, my seeking this same type of person over and over again was.
I feel a little empowered understanding this, for now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that love would never change these individuals; and I was not a failure for giving up on relationships which were not going to to lead anywhere but eventually to my own grave. There is also something a little unsettling hearing words coming from someone else's mouth that I heard before. Words that I myself had said before...
Tonight I took a walk in someone else's shoes, and the shocking thing was that they fit me.
|Been a while but I am still here still kicking. I think my writing muse is on permanent vacation for I I haven't had anything to write about in a while. Life is it's usual blah, Not much to it except working and sleeping which seems to be the compass of my life right now. Days blend into each other without definition or design. They mesh into a vague beige blend, nothing beautiful or extravagant just always the same.
Routines vary little if at all and I sometimes find myself taking alternative routes to work just to shake the day up a little. I try to keep things spontaneous by not thinking about which way to go until I am on my way, thus insuring the spontaneity of the action. Sometimes I will drive almost all of the gas out of my car just to make a simple trip to the gas station an adventure. That is me living on the edge...of monotony.
Sometimes at work I will work through my breaks because I do not want to deal with down time even if just for 15 minutes. I contemplate what I should do on my days off then do nothing because I cannot decide what I want to do. And then at times I do have a clear cut idea of what I would like to be doing, but I do nothing because I am usually broke.
I will sometimes listen to the birds chirping early in the morning, either sitting on my porch or on my way home from work. As I listen I ponder why they have to make such a racket so early in the morning. I do the same thing at night when the frogs and crickets are singing at the top of their lungs and legs.
Things that used to hold beauty escape me anymore and I find myself more and more not caring about the world around or the small things that make life so damn magnificent. If I had my way I would stay in bed and sleep until I was fully awake and quite content to stay that way. That means I probably would never get up.
I am beyond bored, and tired, and lonely. I simply just do not care anymore about anything. I just don't care...
|It is really early Friday morning and here I am updating my blog. Don't know what to write. I am still in a rut, still feeling a little down, still broke. I guess I was just tired of seeing all those reminders in my email to update my blog. I assure you as soon as something worth writing happens in my life I will blog away. Until then, I guess I will just drop a line or two here and there.
|I am so pissed right now, I was writing beautiful prose full of witty banter about growing up in the summertime in the 70s, and lost it all. I hate that , you get on a roll you know it is good, and then poof gone. Sometimes writing with pen and paper is much better than using these insipid electronic devices even if they are called notebooks!
I had some good stuff in there too. Recollections of playing in the mud and catching fire flies. Memories of my dad punching holes in old mayonnaise jar lids so we could capture these bugs and keep them captive for a couple of days. I remember sitting mine on the table next to my bed and watching it light up every night,until of course the poor flies died. I also made a valid point of us staying out all day and not coming in til the street lamps flickered on, and of not being electronically connected to our not so overprotective parents, as they always yelled for us when we were needed.
I left out the part about hearing the melodious tunes coming from the Good Humor truck 6 blocks away and rushing up to my dad's room to grab a handful of change so I could get my Chocolate Fudgical fix. It was all much better written than this but you get the idea.
Nowadays I would never consider letting my four year old grand daughter go outside by herself to play in the yard. And that to me is so sad. It seems that all the perverts who have blatantly taken children right out from under the noses of unassuming adults have ruined such a magical piece of childhood for all kids. I am not one who is overtly overly protective of my grand daughter, but I am cautious. And because I will do whatever it takes to ensure her safety, she is being robbed of her first taste of independence, for neither me nor her parents are very far from her side in whatever she is doing, and while I admit 4 is a little young to venture outside without constant supervision, I don't see the scenario changing as she gets older. Yes there will come a time when we let her venture out on her own but not without a cell phone fully loaded with the latest GPS app.
It is a shame we have to parent like this in the 21st century, but society's inability to keep us safe from real live boogie men has given us no choice. When I was a child you had a whole neighborhood of people who would all look after the kids, nowadays you barely even speak to your neighbors. Community has been evicted because of distrust, and of course our own obsessions with living life on social media instead of making proper human connections. In a way we have hijacked our own lives through wifi.
The innocence of summer is long gone and now here we are in the George Jetson century, too afraid to let our kids be the explorers we once were. I ask you is this any better than the good ol' days? I will answer that question; no my friend, no.
|And so begins my long weekend. It actually started yesterday but seeing as how I worked Thursday night and slept all day Friday, today is the official start of my Memorial Day weekend. Why do people always ask if I have any plans for such holidays? The answer is always going to be no! Too broke to do anything more than just be off the extra day from work.
My grand-kid just learned a new word, seriously. She uses it as a question in response to something she finds stupid. Seriously? I also should stop spouting politics around her for she seems to think Donald Trump is synonymous with the Boogie Man. Sometimes I question my daughter's judgement in leaving her daughter unsupervised with me. I don't care she is a funny kid and just like her mother and grandmother she is harboring all the right potential for a sarcastic smart ass.
Work is so slow right now. We usually are strong into overtime but not this year, which is creating major suckage on my paycheck. This is why I am perennially broke this year. God I hope we pick up during the summer, I don't know how much more time I can spend with my family before I snap and start eating sidewalk chalk.
Oh yeah our insane cat had 5 kittens. The aroma pervading my house is exquisitely toxic. We got rid of one, hopefully the others will be gone soon. I love my pets but I am satisfied with not having a house full of them.
Still depressed just not as bad as last couple of entries, my birthday was really hard for me this year. I will turn 50 with no problem but turning 48 almost killed me. I have always lost it on odd birthdays, like 23 was devastating, 25 I was okay. Turned 30 without a hitch, but 32 I lost my mind. Forty was devastating, not because of being forty but because that was the year I lost my mom and oldest sister, followed the next year with my middle sister.
That's me in a nutshell this week. Nothing new going on just trying to keep it all together.
|Sorry about the post from the other day. I was feeling rather down. Still am if truth be known but here it is 4 in the morning on the day I was born. I suppose it won't officially be my birthday until 3:20 later this afternoon but it still is my birthday. I was thinking about the the potential existence of a Multiverse. Just wondering if all the other Sandys whose birthdays' are today as well, are doing better than me or could it be possible that life sucks in all of them? And then which scenario is better a universe where I am the only Sandy living the equivalent of utter suckage on a more or less daily basis; or that there are multiple Sandys out there in different universes living a better version of life than I am?
Though part of me would rather just be the only one unique and flawed, there is a certain relief that another better functioning version of me could be living a better life. Maybe I am just fucked in the head. Anyway Happy Birthday to me(s).
|Heartburn. Why does it always feel like you imagine a heart attack would feel? I guess I should not have eaten so much chocolate cake for Mother's Day. Been particularly depressed this week. Double whammy Mother's Day and birthday both in the same week. I feel insignificant and old. Yes my family made me dinner and my daughter sat up till after midnight last night just to wish me a happy Mother's Day, and my son-in-law cooked a wonderful meal. But I still feel depressed.
I am off most of this week and it is a good thing as I can't seem to pull myself out of bed. Thursday is my birthday. Just another reminder that I am old, washed up, and burnt out. I am so lonely and depressed right now I can't stand it. Broke as usual so even if I wanted to do something for my birthday I can't. Been living vicariously on Facebook and Twitter, more so on FB. So far the highlight of my weekend has been watching crappy horror movies on Netflix.
Haven't been keeping this thing up because my life is so damn blah...Nothing interesting .It just sucks! S U C K S!
Really really do not like my life at all! Sorry for all you believers out there God doesn't help! I don't even think he cares. I suppose His way is to let a whole bunch of us fall through the cracks, broken and alone.
Hate my job! Hate my job! Hate my job! And no I am not thankful I have one! It is just another in a long succession of total, shitty, crappy, bullshit jobs!
Just hate everything, but most of all this shitty crappy life.
|Don't know what is wrong with me looks like I am back to sleeping all the time again. Had this problem a couple of months ago. I just can't seem to wake up. I need another doctor, told him about this problem in February and he didn't seem to listen. Now it has been two days and I have been in bed the better part of both of them. IDK what is wrong I just feel drained of energy and cannot seem to stop sleeping. Maybe the night shift is finally getting to me.
Maybe I need the rest. I have been going full steam for a few weeks now, haven't really had much "down time." Hoping the depression is not creeping back up on me. I don't really feel down just really really drained.
|I surely have been neglecting my blog. However it is not because I have been in a funk, usually I write more when I am in a funk. The weather has been nice and I have been enjoying spending time on the front porch and in the yard. I have already cut the grass twice with my new lawn mower that my neighbor and co-worker gave me, we had a good Easter with my grand kid and of course I have been working, still in a factory, still at night. Hadn't been on the site for awhile and a majority of my email had to do with updating my blog, so here it is.
I have been feeling better, less depressed more alive and dare I say more happy? Last month when my taxes finally came back I bought myself some new underwear. I know this might sound silly but I actually felt better about myself when I bought them. I don't know why but I guess because I always wait until they are falling apart before I will buy any new ones. The point being I didn't really need them but I bought them anyway, for me. I also got my hair cut and love my new cut. It is short, easy to manage and style. I actually spend more time styling it then I did my long hair. I have over the last year lost about 30 pounds and am feeling better about myself, I feel as though I was hiding in my hair and fat now I feel like I am emerging. I am feeling more and more like my old self and I actually forgot how much I liked that person.
I know these are just little things but they are making positive changes in my attitude toward myself. I am not saying I am through with the depression because if truth be known I was through with it years ago. It just never seems to be through with me, but I take these good days and cherish them. I am not naive enough to think that I am over my depression, I have never had that pleasure in life, but it just does not seem as intense as it has been in the past.
I am feeling like a new me is coming out, but in actuality it is really the old me that I have been holding at bay and not letting surface for the past several years. Not exactly the person I was before I lost my family, but a better more improved version of her. This is what God can do to you and for you. He takes you from your darkness and shines His light on you and you become iridescent in His illumination.
I suppose a good part of this phoenix in me is due to coming to terms with the deaths of my mother and sisters and deciding to live my life even though they are gone. It is in a way a tribute to them because I know none of them want me to stop living my life just because theirs have come to an end. It is also a necessity for myself because I cannot just stop living. I need to live a full life. Full of love and laughter and fun, and not hinder myself with guilt because they are no longer living theirs. YOLO. You are only here for a short time. I feel as though I owe it to myself to be happy. Not just for the sake of their memories but because I deserve to be.
I don't know how long this feeling is going to last but for as long as it does I am going to get as much out of my life as I can. I am really enjoying the new old me.