A blog about living life in a depressed state everyday...
Welcome to my life. I am a pretty ordinary person. I have a home which I am currently sharing with my daughter and her small family IE kid and boyfriend. I work the night shift at a tape factory which means when I am not at work my favorite hobby is sleeping. I am single and hardly date which means not at all. I have a cat, Harley Quinn and a dog, Moose. Though I am single I have been in a lifelong relationship with depression. There have been times when I have willed myself out of bed, and others when I could not even do that.
Several years ago I lost my mother and both sisters to different forms of cancer all within a year of each other, one of them dying on Christmas Eve. This did nothing to help my depression and actually was a catalyst in picking up an old addiction that I had laid to rest for nearly two years. The beloved fight with the bottle. Not drinking near as much as I used to but drinking more than I need to.
I am the head of my family because all the adults are dead. This means that the kids are running the candy store seeing that those of us who are still here have never really grown up enough to be responsible to head anything. However I am the oldest living relative so that makes me the head. Where as my Mom and sisters would handle things I just try to keep everybody calm and out of jail. For the most part we all do our own thing but we still rely on each other emotionally, that makes us close.
I have never been married because I believe men cannot handle my mood swings, well the ones I have known anyway.
Yes, I have had my share of relationships, one dysfunctional relationship right after the other. The last one lasted a little over 6 years. It was inevitable it would end for he was just as crazy as me.
As I mentioned before I have a child, a daughter who I believe is just as depressed as I am. I say that because she acts exactly like me. She can also be quite the moody little dickens. She and her boyfriend live here with me along with her little girl. Her boyfriend is a good guy. He has a twin brother and both of them have aspirations of being actors. You can scoff and laugh but for living in a little Podunk town like this they have managed to get acting gigs. Yes they are extras but they are getting bigger parts all the time. Cannot go in to any details about their last endeavor, but the casting director asked them to come and film a few days. I know it's not a big part but it is a speaking part and it is something. Like I said, very impressive considering where we live which is right in the middle of anywhere America.
I have four nieces and two nephews who will make appearances from time to time in this blog. Unlike most cousins and aunties we all grew up together, because my parents had me late in life when my two sisters were half grown, I am a year and a half older than my oldest niece. This was something I used to hold over her head with great pride when we were younger. I find myself nowadays not mentioning it so much seeing as how I keep getting closer and closer to fifty. My oldest niece and middle niece live here where I do. My other two nieces live in Florida. They are my oldest sister, Janey's kids.
I also have two n'er do well nephews who live in Tennessee. They are the sons of middle sister Dana. I don't see them as much as I like but they both live lives of such turmoil, chaos, and drama I find the less I know about what is going on the better. Each of my nieces and nephews have children. They range in ages from 29-7. Some of their children have children making me and 3 of my nieces grandmothers.
So why do I feel the need to make this blog. I don't know except that writing has always been cathartic for me. It is a way to let off steam and express myself. A means by which I calm down. My biggest problem with writing is trying to figure out how to wrap something up so I can move on to the next idea.
So here it is. My blog, Depressed.
|I am so damn tired and over Wal-Mart! I know I look younger than my age but I also know I don't look 18 years old! I went to Wal-Mart this afternoon to pick up a few things and a also get a pack of cigarettes for someone. They would not sell them to me because I did not bring my id in with me. I was not going to walk out to the car and walk back to show them proof that I was almost 50 years old! Pissed me off! I know I should feel flattered that I am being carded at this age but I buy beer there all the time and no one cards me but for a pack of cigarettes? I just can't stand it when people don't use their COMMON SENSE! Yes they have a company policy, I understand that but I also understand that if someone looks old enough to buy beer they should look old enough to buy cigarettes! I went there for the convenience and was inconvenienced by stupidity! If I had a premium membership I would post a picture of myself right now and let you decide whether or not I look too young to buy a pack of smokes! Still aggravated!
|TICK-TOCK, TICK-TOCK sounds the clock in my head. It is nearly 2:30 am where I live and here I sit in the middle of the night doing what I always do every other Friday morning at this hour. I await the the time when my pay shows up in my ever starving bank account. Then I make a middle of the night run to the local gas station to fill up my car and buy junk food.
This is a thing with me because I am usually flat broke by the time my check comes in. It is my ritual. I usually take my daughter with me on these middle of the night raids. Her boyfriend and daughter are fast asleep but she, like her mother, is usually wide awake. Being a night owl runs in our family.
Right now we are huddled in my room both of us awaiting the magic time when 3M's bank releases funds to my bank and I can begin another cycle of bill paying and grocery shopping. TICK-TOCK, TICK-TOCK...
Ahh...The magic hour approaches!
|I got my porch back together today. I have been waiting all winter for the big snow and it never came. Now winter has become spring and I feel the need to sit on my porch, so I put all the porch furniture back up and am enjoying a slightly cool afternoon sitting in my favorite spot. The house is a wreck, but the porch is fine.
So what should I write about today? The birds chirping? The animals enjoying a day outside? The sun that keeps hiding behind passing clouds? Everything is so peaceful and dare I say normal today. Just a relaxing spring afternoon. It makes me wonder how can there be anything wrong anywhere on such a lovely day? And yet I am pulled from my revery thinking about the what happened in London yesterday. I am sure it was a normal lovely spring day over there also. Everything was normal and then the attack. How can we live in a world so full of violence and hatred and not do anything?
That is the trouble with being American. We become to complacent in our lives. As long as the world is not knocking on our back doors we tend not to think about how bad things really are and how vulnerable we really are. How do you fight terrorism abroad when you let it lay dormant and unmolested at home? We think here in the states ISIS and the Taliban are the only terrorists we have to deal with, but what about our own terrorist organizations, like the KLU KLUX Klan, and the Neo Nazis? They are all still here and still active. No one has done anything to disarm or abolish them. What about Black Lives Matter, and the Black Panthers? Groups that masquerade as as just causes but only insight violence and hatred. Don't believe me? Then why did the Black Lives Matter group barricade the entrance to the presidential inauguration? Why do these groups riot and destroy property? In their own neighborhoods?
Why is the KKK free to keep having rallies and marching into small towns across the south? A lot of these organizations have been in power for many years and we cannot combat them. My question is how do we expect to protect ourselves and the world from the growing threat of ISIS when we cannot protect ourselves from our own hate groups here in America?
On a day such as this with the echos children playing and birds singing how can hate raise its ugly disgusting head anywhere in God's creation? And why do we let it? As a human being my sole purpose I truly believe, is to live my life with love and respect for my fellow man. I believe to the core of me that is what the Gospel was trying to tell us. But this world we live in, who rejects light and embraces darkness at every turn, makes that simple commandment the hardest thing in your life to do. I don't want to hate anybody, but the things I see and experience set my heart up for hatred. It is a struggle to keep from giving in to it.
The sad thing is we think this is the world but I see it as much bigger than mankind. Yes we (mankind) start and cultivate hatred and war but I see dark forces using that to capture and enslave us. I see dark forces using our own ignorance as a tool to keep us from God, who already paid the price of our freedom. I am not trying to be religious, I am speaking from a spiritual perspective,
There is good and evil in this world. One needs only to turn on the news to see the evil, where is the good hiding? I really do believe the scenes that are taking place whether at home or abroad are all spirit based. Maybe that makes me a kook. I don't care I see it. I don't know why others don't.
There is such a divide in my country right now. No one wants to acknowledge the other side might have valid points for their beliefs. All we are doing here is bickering and fighting over ideals and politics. I see all of this as a smokescreen to keep us fighting amongst ourselves so we never see the end of our country coming. Maybe I am paranoid, but I don't think I am. All these terrorists are agents for the darkness the evil that is trying to take us all down. Evil was defeated on the cross, all this time it has been awaiting sentencing, but it is going to take as many of us down with it as it can. No one wants to see that. I see it. In a way I am happy because the world, whether it realizes it or not, is setting the stage for the return of the Christ. In a way I am scared because in the meantime the events unfolding in front of us will have to be endured.
Am I the only one who thinks this way?
|Why does it take so long to get your taxes back? Every year it seems to take forever to get the refund back. Most years I am in dire straits and need the money, this year I am a little better off. Then again usually by this time of year I am working loads of overtime and this year they are not offering very much. So that means any grandiose plans I had for my little refund will be put out the window so I can use the extra money to supplement my paycheck, which will go from around $1300 bi-weekly because of overtime, to just under $1000.
I guess maybe in the long run it will help out as I missed out on a bunch of EICs because I made just over the limit to get them. Except for one credit. I claimed my granddaughter but had to pay for her being uninsured, (which is one reason I cannot stand Obamacare!). The problem with that is the penalty was the same amount as as the credit. Want to know something else? Next year no one will have to pay that stupid fine because one thing Trump did do that I agree with was to repeal that part of the bill! So if the kids are still here next year I can get that credit! Of course my daughter could do something radical like get her child insured. Or maybe even go back to work, maybe, perhaps?
I shouldn't complain. I make things too easy for her I know, but I know what it was like being a single mom and trying hard to make two ends meet that would never ever connect. But her and her boyfriend both live here with me and though he works, everything still seems to fall on me. I suppose if I were to be truthful I don't want them to move out because I am not sure how I would like the sounds of silence in my house. But here lately I have been willing to give it a try.
I want to put my foot down and tell them to save their money so they can leave but I don't want to make them mad at me. I am such a wuss sometimes. Everyone would be better off if they moved out. They both need to learn lessons in responsibility, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am such a doormat! Please come in and walk all over me. It will be easy as I seem to have lost my backbone.
Then of course I don't know what I would do without seeing my granddaughter everyday. She is a bright spot in my life. But reality needs to come visit this family. They can't stay here forever. Heather, my granddaughter, is getting too old to share a room with her parents. My daughter would be happier if she had her own place. But neither one of them , my daughter nor her boyfriend , seem to want to make the effort to try and move out. I have actually been thinking of moving out, but that is stupid. This is my home I am paying for everything so why should I? Am I that scared of conflict that I am willing to move out of a home I am paying for just to keep my kids from hating me? God when did I become so pathetic?
And I suppose this is payback for me in a way, because I always moved in on top of my mother whether she could afford it, or even if she wanted me to. I suppose this is penance for being so selfish when she was alive and not ever having the gumption to try and make my own way. Only when she died and I had to, did I realize I could. Surely I don't want the same fate to befall my daughter?
I just need to approach the subject in a way where I don't make her feel bad about herself. This is something I have never been able to do, because she gets so defensive about everything. I know she is not happy here. It would really be so much easier for me if they would get out on their own. Then when things come up like no overtime, I won't go in the hole trying to support all of us. I make decent money but am always broke because I am supporting us all. I need a break.
|I had a request in my email today to continue on with my blog... I was writing away last month this month not so much. I don't know why either. I think maybe I am still being a little down thinking of my mom. Had she lived she would have been 89 years old on the 12th of this month. My dad if he was still alive would be 94 in August. Its is hard to think of my father as a little old ninety something year old man. He was 64 when he died. I know for some of you young people out there that is old, but believe me it is not. He was on the back side of middle age and never made it through. I will be 64 in 16 years. Sixteen is not a long time at all when you are on the backside of 40. You have already seen it pass 3 times in your life when you get to be my age.
I wonder what my mom would be like in her nineties. She was a little old lady when she died at the age of 81. It is hard to believe 8 years have almost passed since she died. I think I am too obsessed with death. I know it is understandable considering my primary family is all deceased, but I just can't help thinking what they all would be like. I have this sort of phobia about approaching 50 since neither one of my sisters made it out of theirs, I should really get some professional help. This is no way to live a life...
On the good news front I mentioned back in a January post I believe that my oldest niece was having to get a hysterectomy. Just to clear things up I am a year and half older than her. My mom had me late in life and my sister had her kids early in life. As a result we all grew up together, my nieces, nephews and myself. So yeah I am old enough to have a niece who is old enough to have a hysterectomy. As a matter of fact me and three of my nieces are grandmothers. All of us are in our forties, a couple of us are not there for very long.
But anyway her surgery went well, they got all the cancer. The only side effects she seems to be having are severe hot flashes. Her doctor put her on hormones but they don't seem to be helping her too much. She is a lot more emotional than she used to be. But I am just relieved everything went well. Being raised the way we were my nieces are more like sisters to me and my nephews like brothers. I don't want to lose anyone else. Not to cancer. I would probably lose myself if cancer took one more from me.
Also I had a wonderful time with my granddaughter this weekend. Her parents were at a Cosplay event in another state for the weekend, and I babysat. She is so adorable. Yes I am biased but she is just this bright funny bundle of energy that I believe was sent from heaven to bring joy to this broke down heart. Love her to the moon and back.
I also got to hold the newest member of our family, my great nephew's 3 month old daughter. See this is one reason why I believe in God, he took away 3 and sent us in the past 4 years 5 brand new souls. I think he sent them to us so we wouldn't be so sad over losing the three women who meant everything to our family. I miss them dearly and yet I believe before these little lives came to us my mom and two sisters held them for us. I know it sounds weird but I believe God is that loving toward us.
I don't really have anything else on my mind right now, so I guess I will stop writing. I will try to make a better effort in keeping up my blog.
|It seems like I was very prolific with the blogging last month and here it is the middle of this month and I am just now making an entry. Sometimes the words flow like a smooth running stream, sometimes they dry up like a drought. In any case here is my first March entry.
I have been feeling a little down because my mother's birthday was this past Sunday. She would have been 89 years old and well on her way to her goal of living 100 years. Those three little words are a killer would have been. And I suppose since I have been writing a story about a woman dealing with the loss of her mother that is why I haven't made a new chapter in her endeavors with grief.
The springtime always reminds me of my mother. So does the color green. I cannot go into the lawn and garden shop of Wal-Mart without crying because it reminds me of my mom. She always had plants and flowers all around the house and porch. She had bird feeders hanging in the small dogwood tree that grew outside her living room window in Florida. When the weather was nice she would sit on the porch and watch them. When it wasn't she would sit at her computer desk which faced that window and watch them. She loved her birds especially the humming birds.
She had a proficient green thumb which could be seen in the nurture and care of all the house plants she helped grow. I cannot remember a time in my entire life when she wasn't piddling around in the dirt planting something. She said playing in the dirt was good therapy. Even as a child living in the city she had flowers and plants growing in various gardens around our house.
The smell of spring and flower shops will always remind me of my mom. I love her so much as I always have. I miss her terribly and I am very thankful to God that he chose her to be my mom.Do you ever get over losing a parent? IDK. This September will mark 8 years since she died. In Dec it will be 30 years since my dad died and still after all these years I find myself missing him.
Love my parents and am grateful for them. I just wish this thing we call life wasn't so fleeting. I would love to have had more time with both of them.
|No matter how anxious I get I will not take anti anxiety drugs like Xanax or Ativan. All they do is turn you off, make you a Zombie and cause havoc. Someone pretty close to me takes one of these drugs for anxiety and has a hard time staying alert or awake. I think tonight they may have cost her her job. She doesn't over take them but when she does take them they make her act this way. She took one tonight before going to work, almost passed out because her blood sugar was high and had to get a drug test. But that is not the bad part. She admitted to smoking a joint 3 days ago. Now she is worried about losing her job.
Nope I will be fine spinning around in my own head. I just don't like the way these things make me feel. I really do not want to lose my job because of them. Of the two the pot is less harmful but that will be what they fire her for because she has a prescription for the other. It's a shame.
|Well got some stuff done today. I went into HR and got my w2s printed out. Apparently everyone who was paperless has been having problems with this because the company is changing programs, so that anxiety has been knocked to the ground. Priced test strips and found out with or without insurance I could afford some, also got the oil changed in the Hyundai.
All of these things have been running around in my brain causing me massive anxiety. Little things.... Things that are not the end of the world are hard and rough. They should only cause a hiccup in the road of life, but for me they leave giant potholes. This is just an example of things that block me. Whenever anything does not go exactly as it should I start to fret and worry really bad. I should have a better grip on things, and for the big things I do. It's the little things that kill. Wasn't that a Bush song?
I wish I could say that I have only been like this since I lost them; but the truth is I have always been like this. These little fears eat me up and in the past they are the exact fears that kept me coming back home to my mom time and again. I spent a good part of my adulthood hiding from little ankle biting fears. I never could get a grip on life issues. Again not big ones, little ones. This never ending feeling of complete doom is always there, just underneath the surface, and it makes me believe that I am hanging on by such a small thread that the least little hiccup will make that thread snap and send me spiraling into an oblivious existence. I always fear that I am one hiccup away from being homeless, penniless, and lifeless. I am one hiccup away from losing everything.
It is not exactly paranoia; I have lost everything before and it scared the shit out of me. I do not want to repeat the past, but I am paralyzed to move on. I don't even know if this makes any kind of sense or not, but it is how I feel. And my anxiety is always alert, always there, always nagging me. I think that is why I cannot rest correctly. Maybe that is why I go through massive bouts of insomnia, and then I go for weeks where I cannot wake up. I am either sleeping all the time or not at all. I am always in a fog regardless. Never do I ever really feel awake, I feel mostly drained all the time.
I have decided that the diet soda is making me sick to my stomach, so I am trying to wean myself off of it. I don't know if I can quit cold turkey. I am convinced I am addicted to Diet Coke; but I am going to try to stop. I am tired of throwing up, and since I have cut back I do not feel the urge to puke anymore. The only good thing to come form all of this messy stomach thing is I have been losing weight. I suppose it is a good thing that I can file my taxes because all my clothes are too big and there are some I simply cannot keep up anymore.
But this is me. I don't know if I could cope with life on an even keel. I have been washing about in these choppy waters for as long as I can remember. I also have this stupid notion that if I did get better I wouldn't be able to write anymore. In a warped sort of way the depression and anxiety are my muses. I do draw a lot from them for my writing. I fear if I get better I won't have anything to write about. I never really tried writing with a clear mind. Have ever really had one? The dreaded fear of the unknown is making an appearance again!
Maybe the real reason I am alone is because I don't want anyone to know how truly sick I am. I mean who ever wants to admit that they are a little too close to crazy? Maybe I keep myself in this solitude because it easier than having to disappoint someone with the fact that this is me I don't know how to change, and am not sure I want to anyway. It's not because I enjoy being this fractured, it is because I know of being fractured. And the unknown scares me a lot more than the known does no matter what type of hell I go through.
Am I helpless or just hopeless?