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Experiences and thoughts based on my everyday life |
| This book will contain my daily thoughts. |
| Zoe's 25th birthday was yesterday. Today, she dropped the bomb that I was half expecting... she's moving to Seattle to live with her boyfriend. She was supposed to go up to visit for her birthday and possibly Thanksgiving. Today, she let me know she'll be driving down to pick up her belongings from our apartment. I know this is divine intervention, but it still triggers my abandonment issues. Rick and I have been concerned about going against our lease by having a third person here. There was also the issue of possibly not being able to have Rick's kids here for any overnights during Christmas break. I want Zoe to want more out of life than being a stay at home girlfriend. Her boyfriend texted after the text with their big news and tried to calm my anxiety about it by telling me they had already looked at colleges for Zoe to attend. We are planning on eventually moving to Vancouver, Washington. That is only like four hours from Seattle. My rejection sensitivity is going a bit bonkers. It does solve a few issues, which is kind of a relief. But I didn't know that our hasty goodbye at the train station was going to be it. I would have said so much more. I am planning on staying busy with organizing, planning holiday menus, and baking treats for Rick, with a few extra for Rick to share with his coworkers. We have been having power outages here about every other day, and I have not had data on my phone. No Wi-Fi, no ability to distract myself with Facebook videos, or tv, or podcasts, So I decided to knock a major chunk out of my Christmas gift to do list. Monday, I spent the first part of my day concocting potions of scented bath salts, body oils, bath teas, and and calming face mists. I made custom scented blends based on requests from the gift recipients. It was a lot of fun. Wednesday, I made a double batch of cranberry chocolate chip cookies. I saved eight cookies out of the batch for us, froze ten raw dough balls, and packaged up the rest for Rick to take to work. Rick took the cookies to work and reported back that that his co-workers gave great compliments! Mission accomplished! Admittedly, I moped around after Zoe's news. Today, I am planning on being a bit more productive. Cleaning, prep cooking, packing Zoe's things. She had spread her stuff all over the front room and bathroom, including taking over my very long mid century desk that housed my laptop and reselling supplies. Having that space back will free up much needed shelf and table space. I have made a goal for myself that I will have the apartment looking tidy and decorated in time for Thanksgiving. I am planning on opening our home up to anyone we know who may not have family to spend the holiday with. Lord knows I will be cooking enough to feed a crowd. I am going to get a move on. I want to have a decent dinner planned for tonight. Looks like Rick will be working Saturday, and we will head over to K.'s house to help him pack up his library. he said he will pay us. That money can be used for Christmas. |
| I had so many plans for this weekend. I was looking forward to the perfect mix of productivity and pleasure pursuits. Friday night, Rick came home from work in agony. A tooth that has been giving him issues for a long time had erupted with razor sharp pain. Ibuprofen wouldn't even take the edge off. Neither of us slept well that night. By morning, my normally calm and collected fiancé had turned into a hunched and twisted figure mumbling cuss words between groans. I immediately Googled "dentist open Saturdays that accept Delta Dental". Called an office 3/4 of a mile from our apartment and secured a 10:00 appointment. It was 9:35, so we dressed quickly and drove over in the pouring rain. There were no parking spaces for almost a block, so I had him drop me off so I could get the paperwork filled out while he parked. When I checked in with the receptionist, she said, "I am really sorry, but we are super short staffed today, so there's going to be a long wait. We only have two dentists working and a bunch of people called off." I asked about how long of a wait it would be and she said an hour and a half. Rick had five people in front of him in line. I told her that we didn't mind because we just needed it done today. We sat there for over two hours... I went up to the desk and politely asked where he was in line at this point, because Rick had lost all ability to remain composed in a waiting room JAMMED with people. She said he was next. About ten more minutes. Rick was pounding his fist on his knee, his face was in a grimace. I tried rubbing his back, his neck, his hands, anything to distract from the pain. Forty-five minutes later, they finally called him back. He texted me, "Come get my phone. They're going to pull the tooth." I went to the front desk and she took me back to see him. They had given him the Novocain shots, and he was much more calm. I grabbed his phone and went back to the waiting room. I sat there for another hour. I looked at the time, it was now 2:15. I was tired, and pretty sure hypoglycemia was setting in. I was feeling a bit grouchy by this point. The receptionist called me up and handed me the receipt for his procedure. $400.00!!!! And that was AFTER insurance. Rick came out after another half an hour. On the way out, he told me the four hundred was for a bone graft. I know it was needed and necessary, but it felt like all of the overtime he earned had just floated away. Maybe the universe had a hand in making sure we would have enough of a cushion to handle the extra expense. In any case, he was feeling better, so that's all that matters. We headed to the pharmacy to pick up an antibiotic and ibuprofen for him, and my new scripts from my psych. Mine were ready, his were not, so we had a seat to wait. The tech told the pharmacist to expedite Rick's order, which was kind of her. Rick's prescriptions were almost $100. We came home and he immediately went to take a shower, and he called to me from the bathroom. I went in and there were hundreds of ants all over the bathroom. There was a trail from the bathroom to the kitchen. We're now at an approximate thousands of ants. I spray bleach spray along the trail, then while the bleach is doing it's thing, I tried to make something to eat so I could alleviate the wobbles. I made fideos pasta with soup made from chicken and tomato bullion. Simple and satisfying, known for it's restorative powers. I made myself a bowl and offered some to Rick but he just wanted to sleep. I checked on him three hours later, and could feel the heat rising off of him, and knew he had a high fever before I even touched him. I got him out from under the covers and asked him to come sit in the living room by the open window while I spooned soup into a bowl for him. He looked terrible. He took one bite of soup before laying on the chaise portion of our sofa. I tried putting a soothing show on for him, but he just wanted to go back to bed. I brought him water that I mixed an Emergen-C pack into. Not long after, I went to bed, completely forgetting to wipe up all of the dead ants. Woke up in a panic early this morning. I quickly got out of bed and wiped up the colony of dead insects and then steam mopped the bathroom and kitchen floors. It was exhausting, and it was not even 7:00. I made coffee and took a cup into Rick, who was still in bed. He said he felt a lot better, far from one hundred percent, but better. We talked about making a store run later to get needed items like coffee and milk. I just made him a bowl of oatmeal. I am hoping it will give him enough energy to run a few errands. I am thinking this might help him decide to put me on the auto insurance so I can drive myself around when he's not feeling up to it. I am hoping to run to a crafting thrift store so I can grab some fabric and yarn. Rick can sit in the car for both errands. I would completely abandon this quest, but time is very limited when it comes to crafting gifts for the holidays, and I should have started weeks ago. We only NEED a few things at the store to get us through the week. I am going to eat some leftover soup and relax for a bit. |
| We arrived home very early Thursday, after five days house sitting for my friend, K. K. just closed and took possession of a castle like house just outside of Portland. We video called him on Sunday, and he gave us a tour of his kitchen, which is bigger than our whole apartment. The front of the house includes a turret at the entrance, and a winding staircase leading to the front door. The hot tub out back makes for a perfect morning relaxation spot. We are assuming that he is planning to keep his house in the San Fernando Valley, outside of Los Angeles, and will go between the two places, depending on his work schedule. He is in the process of sorting through and packing his many treasures, and deciding what will go to Portland, and what will stay. We spent our days and nights relaxing with his four cats, Molly (the MENACE) she's a Siamese, Oliver (the OG, man in charge, but mostly just sleeps on any human surface he wishes) he's a flame point Siamese, and the twins, Nandor and Nadja, who are Molly's litter mates (Nandor is a man of mystery, and Nadja, who is a total creeper, who chooses to bide her time playing gargoyle at the very top of the canopy on the bed) both solid black, and the only way to tell them apart is by their weights. We also took advantage of the hot tub one night. Was great to have an evening relaxing in the 120 degree water. We got Jersey Mike's sandwiches two of those nights. What can I say? We love a good club sub, Mike's Way, on rosemary parmesan bread. SO GOOD! We made a point to spend time in K.'s tiki room, which houses his 34 year old macaw, Max. K. has had him since he was born. Rick thinks that because Max is in a cage, in the furthest room in the house in the dark most days, and only having human contact when K. is in the kitchen, or feeding him, that Max is BORED. When we spend time in the tiki room, Max LOVES to talk with Rick. I have cared for Max for extended periods while K. is away, and he still prefers Rick over me. If Max can hear Rick in any area of the house, he freaks out, climbing to the top of the cage and hanging upside down, by one foot, while squawking loudly and flapping his wings to get Rick's attention. It is really delightful to watch their interactions. Rick discovered that Max REALLY enjoys music, and we use music to keep him calm. He has taken a liking to Rod Stewart's "Handbags and Gladrags". He likes it to be played on repeat. We have noticed that if we leave the phone in the room and are hanging out in the living room, we can hear him softly singing along. He doesn't have the lyrics down yet, but it is awfully cute to hear him try to keep the tune. Rick has been working with a company that designs and fabricates animatronic characters, costumes, and props for movies and tv. The current job had him designing the characters and the remote controlled cars which are used to promote a movie that premiered yesterday. Rick was tasked with puppeteering one of the characters in a van, via remote. There are three puppeteers per character. One for the car itself, one to move the character's head and mouth, and one to man the voice. He was at the premiere of the movie yesterday and mas able to meet more than a few of my favorite actors, and even met SHAKIRA. The job includes grueling 15 hour days, but 15 hour days mean massive overtime, and at one point, Rick was making well over 100 dollars AN HOUR. His regular hourly rate is 37 dollars an hour. This project will be finished this weekend, but we are hoping that a new project is in the works. I am so grateful for the money, which has given us a little breathing room. They had requested that Rick fly with the characters and cars to Miami and New York for influencer events, but because of the government shutdown, flying ANYWHERE was a risk we were not willing to take. Rick really is a cool cat. I look at my life lately and I am feeling so blessed to be living the dream that I have been manifesting for over a decade. An artistic, kind, intelligent weirdo for a husband, an apartment in Los Angeles, my daughter back in my life, and the ability to pursue whatever strikes my fancy. I am grateful. Rick should be home this afternoon, and I am hoping we can have a little quality time together. We have an art show opening Saturday night, and I am planning on a craft night together, painting ornaments for our holiday tree. I have committed to finding other ornaments and decor at thrift stores and yard sales. I want to make other decorations and gifts for friends. Life is good. |
| Hi. Yes, it has been a week or two since I last wrote. Life always seems to swallow me whole. I am here courtesy of a two week break from my daughter being in the house. She is currently at a hotel with her boyfriend for the next fourteen days. He came in from Seattle. They met on a gaming site, and things blossomed from a friendship. Things have been tough emotionally for me. I spend most of my day in bed, doom scrolling and watching dumb videos. I blame the ever growing apathy that seems hellbent on destroying any ounce of joy I have. It sits, like a brick, in the middle of my chest. I do what I can to mitigate the spread, but think I am only succeeding half the time. Zoe games on her computer about fifteen hours a day, only taking short breaks for eating or self care. She doesn't really hang out with me, or her step father. When she does leave the apartment, it is only in short bursts for things she needs, and if we attempt to extend the time out, she sinks into herself and appears like she is sulking. She has all but completely ceased helping around the house. It feels like the worse my health gets, the less she does. I don't want to form resentments, but it is getting harder by the day. I have to force myself to get out of bed and do just the most necessary tasks, due to widespread pain. So having to wash dishes and clean the kitchen and cook dinner in addition to just existing is rough, and I am tired. I have committed to getting out of bed and following a loose schedule this week, balancing reselling work, writing, creative pursuits, and chores. I am not going to feel guilty about not completing tasks. I have been trying very hard to pay more attention to Rick. More touch. More eye contact. Remaining upbeat and enthusiastic, even when I feel like I have been hit by a truck. Sometimes, I feel like I am masking. But I have come to the conclusion that I am going to spend the rest of my life with him, and I will do whatever it takes to make him happy. I am looking forward to reclaiming the apartment and my time. I hope to meal prep for the week. I managed to get thinly sliced pork chops, chicken thighs, ground turkey, a five pound bag of potatoes, onions, and two packages of corn tortillas, all for nineteen dollars! Thank god for the Mexican grocery down the street! If we had to, we could easily survive on that for a week, alone, but I keep a well stocked spice and sauce cabinet, along with pantry staples like dried beans, bouillon powder, rice, pasta, canned goods like veggies and fruit, multiple baking mixes, and baking supplies. With the economy the way it is right now, I feel rich to have what we do, even though our fridge mostly contains a majority of liquids- almond and oat milks, Rick's barley tea, creamer, and a couple of two liter sodas. When I meal prep this afternoon, that will be remedied and the fridge will soon have pre-made side dishes- egg salad for sandwiches, couscous salad with cucumber and olives, Asian quick pickled cucumber slices, side salads, refried black beans, steamed and Mexican rice, and a lot more. I want to get back to making Rick nutritious lunches to take to work. Lately, it has been a single sandwich and the required energy drink, or leftovers from the night before. He deserves more, so I will be channeling my energy into that. I am also thinking about Christmas! I want to have an open house for friends, and provide a simple homey meal, a festive mulled wine, a cookie table, and white elephant gifts for everyone who visits. No pressure- show up when you can, leave when you want to. Just a place for others to gather, with a meal and tons of love thrown in during a time when people may be feeling lonely. I am gearing up to write an original piece not based on anything in my own life. An organic idea. I am putting a pin in it for today though. This blog entry took me like three hours to complete. |
| WHEW! It's been a minute. I have spent the last month loafing around. I can make a million excuses, but truly I think it was a combination of depression, and also deciding to allow myself a break after my fiancé went back to work full time. I had let my upgraded membership expire due to financial issues, but tah-dah! A fellow writer took pity on me and paid for my renewed membership, so I am BACK! I am trying to find a balance between work, household duties, and creative pursuits. My therapist is helping me to make an easy schedule. I am committing to writing at least a couple of times a week. A lot has transpired during my absence, but the majority of it is good stuff. I finally have my mother's precious hutch and cabinet, and have been able to finally unpack and display our collective treasures. I find myself standing in the dining area and smiling. Finally settling. Nesting. It feels really nice. Anyway, I am overjoyed to be back. |
| Fighting like hell to find things I am grateful for. Life is a struggle, but we have to make time to find joy, or this will swallow us whole. So in an effort to start my week off the right way, here is my gratitude list for Monday. 1. Went to my brother's home to help clear out the garage of my parent's stuff, and found a bin of my Christmas décor, specifically- my nutcracker collection, and ornaments purchased in honor of friends we've lost. This bin has been "lost" in that garage for ten plus years. Coincidentally, it was in the stack of bins that my brother had told me was trash. I am so glad I decided to check anyway. 2. I am grateful for having just enough money to put gas in the tank for our trip there, and a cheap Del Taco lunch for myself, Rick, and my daughter. 3. I am grateful that my daughter was able to silence her own anxiety and interact with my brother, her uncle, for the first time in 3 years. I know it was tough for her but she did it. Not for the sake of mending fences, but for the sake of us getting through this process. I am proud of her. 4. I am thankful for my partner, who took care of me after we returned home. I was dealing with my degenerative disc disease in my neck acting up. He was patient and nurturing when I was in tremendous pain. 5. I am thankful that I found even more stuff to resell, and hopefully bring more money into our household. 6. I am grateful for friends who check in when I am quiet. 7. I am grateful for spurts of energy that allow me to complete big tasks, even if it takes me a little bit. 8. I am grateful for my ability to make decent meals with bits and bobs. 9. I am grateful that my mom had the foresight to take great care of the clothing that Zoe and my nieces and nephew wore, packing them away to be resold later on. 10. I am grateful for finding mementos from my father. |
| I am going to try my damnedest to remain in a gratitude mindset, so I am going to force myself to list my daily gratitude. 1. I am grateful for the food we have to sustain us. 2. I am grateful to have the medicine I have to treat the rheumatoid arthritis. 3. I am grateful for my therapist Lauren. 4. I am grateful for endless lists of cool/weird/awesome movies I have to watch. My list of movies I have watched since I met Rick has grown exponentially. 5. I am grateful for coffee. |
| This is my one refuge, where I can say whatever I am feeling and experiencing, without anyone in my life hearing me and being left hurt or upset about what I say. That being said... I am tired. Every single day, I am feeling like I have to manage everyone else's emotions and expectations. Having C-PTSD means I am hyper aware and focused on keeping the peace, or ensuring everyone is ok, fed, and cared for. I spend my days trying to work on my reselling business. It is my only way to contribute to our combined finances. Even when I try to tune everything out, putting my ear buds in, and listening to podcasts, I am faced with two other humans in the same room. When Rick isn't working or gaming on his computer, he is PACING. It is a ADHD coping mechanism, but the movement within my peripheral vision is constant and distracting. Zoe is on her own computer in my direct eyeline, gaming or talking to her friends, loudly. I try to power through. I sit at my computer and attempt working for about 6 hours a day. Some days, I would consider it a success. Not as good as it could be, but I give myself an A for effort. But after working through distractions, the kitchen, and entire house really, is a mess. Dinner needs to be prepared. Most days it falls to me. I have spoken to Zoe about picking up some of the load, and she has been helpful. But I also try to give her, and Rick, space to handle their own emotions and energy throughout the day. Both are battling their own wars, and I try to be understanding. But this morning... I made quite a few phone calls on behalf of Zoe and Rick. For Rick, I called our local community healthcare clinic and inquired about walk in availability and signing up for health coverage. He is in urgent need of medical attention that he has put off for YEARS. I felt like I had to take the reins and make the call myself. After that call, Zoe asked me to call our local Department of Social Services to inquire about why her applications for assistance have been denied. I was on hold for over an hour. When I got through to an agent, I explained the situation and asked for a status update. I was then transferred to someone else. That person told me that the case was denied because I had signed the documents FOR her. I explained to the agent that everything had been completed over the phone, and I had been successfully designated as her authorized representative, but even so, Zoe handled the electronic signature, and verification of her agreement to their rules and policies. The agent on the call this morning said that this situation was "weird", and the fact that we had not received any correspondence regarding the denial was not the way things are supposed to be handled. She explained that she thinks the worker we spoke to originally may have thought that I was impersonating my daughter in order to receive benefits, fraudulently. She laughed as she had just spoken to Zoe herself to verify her identity and she could tell we were two different people. She said she would message the worker to inquire about his notes, and would have him contact me. I asked if it would be prudent to walk into an office with Zoe in order to prove that their assumptions were incorrect, and she agreed that it would be the optimal action. I left that call feeling a ton of anxiety weighing on me. But there was one more call to make. This one was actually for me. I called a lab to make an appointment to have bloodwork done. Voicemail is full. Seriously? I call the main number and inform them that the office closest to my home is unreachable by phone. The person at the main lab informs me that no appointment is necessary. So I can walk in. So if you're keeping tally, that is THREE situations that call for leaving the house. All involve potentially long wait times. At that point, I am overstimulated, and make an impassioned speech to Rick and Zoe, letting them know that I am done making phone calls for the day, and am feeling a lot of frenetic energy. Enough that I took an Ativan to manage the building anxiety attack. I let them know that my reactions have nothing to do with them, but I am going to put my ear buds in, and listen to podcasts and work, and would like uninterrupted time to handle my own stuff. I think this frustration hit a ceiling last night, as I had stopped working to make dinner. But I had to wash dishes before I could attempt that. I was trying to make lasagna, and I was feeling like I was trying to handle too many steps on my own. Because of this, I made a mistake. I was trying to boil the noodles, and splashed boiling water on my right hand. Everyone panicked. I stood at the sink trying to get a little relief. Zoe stood staring at me with a worried look on her face. I wrapped my hand in a wet hand towel, and continued making dinner. Rick offered to go to the pharmacy to get burn ointment. At first I said it would be fine. He chose that moment to say, "Everything is terrible, and life is hell. We should just give up now." I ain't gonna lie... I saw red. I responded, "Right now? Seriously? Please don't do this to me. Not right now." He said the words I knew were coming, but dreaded to hear. "I'm depressed." I began crying. I started blaming myself. "What can I do to help?" It is something I say frequently. I feel like it is MY responsibility to help fix others. I am willing to acknowledge that it is indeed NOT my job to fix people. I should instead give them the space to feel whatever it is that they're feeling, because otherwise, it may appear that I am invalidating their experience. Rick left to go to the pharmacy and I continued to try to finish this damn dinner. But I was floundering. The pain from the burn was making it very difficult to engage in my usual mind over matter tactic. Rick made it home about half an hour later. He helped me apply the burn spray, and I took the opportunity to have a heart to heart. I told him I would do whatever I could to help him. He reassured me that his depression has nothing to do with me. After our talk, we finished what would now be considered a Frankenstein lasagna. Noodles had stuck together, I only had one small can of crushed tomatoes to work with, and I had made one too many substitutions to make something remotely edible. In the end, we watched a movie while eating our actually pretty good Franken-lasagna. Today is chemo day, and I am historically tired, irritable, and dealing with the side effects. Instead, I am walking on eggshells. I need relief. Respite. Today is also therapy day. I will be talking to Lauren at 2 this afternoon. I look forward to her insight about how to appropriately handle everything. |
| I know I keep saying this, but I feel like I am screaming into the void. Yesterday was particularly bad. Spent the whole day feeling "off", like something is about to happen. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just don't know exactly which shoe. Rick has not been feeling well. Sleeping a lot. Looking downtrodden. Not able to focus. I suspect kidney issues. He had kidney issues as a kid and ended up having half of one kidney removed. He has been complaining of weird symptoms, like hot feet for a bit. He doesn't have medical coverage and hasn't for YEARS. This man is EVERYTHING to me, and I cannot live without him. I am trying to get him an appointment at a community health clinic, but the wait is 6-8 weeks to see a doctor. My daughter has been here for almost a month. I am still struggling with how to help her. She cannot stay here indefinitely, and I know that is what she wants. She cannot work a traditional nine to five due to heart defects, scoliosis, asthma and severe anxiety. I just don't know how to help her. Our apartment is small, and navigating around small spaces and doing what we want to do can be tricky at times. She is a gamer, and is online from around 9 in the morning until 10 or later at night. When she is online, she is actively having conversations with her friends. It is hard to concentrate unless I have ear buds in playing music or a podcast to drown her out. I hate complaining, because a year ago, I would have given anything to have her here. I have tried to gently talk to her about it, but every time, I feel like she panics, which then causes anxiety in me. Rick's ADHD is causing him to not be able to concentrate, which makes him pace and fidget, and when that happens, he turns to gaming as well. Three people in a one bedroom apartment, all dealing with ADHD, anxiety, and health issues is a bit much for me this past week. It is hard to be productive when everyone around you is doing their own things. I am not operating efficiently. Not coming remotely close to reaching my potential. I have all but abandoned my writing and that makes me incredibly sad. But there is so much I *have to* do, that I feel guilty doing what I *want to* do. My new sewing machine has sat untouched, beyond threading. I want to get into designing my bags, but I do not have the capacity. I am fighting like hell to avoid falling into depression. We are having money issues. With Rick doing freelance work, there is no way to budget. We are getting to the point that we are going to have to go to a food pantry to supplement what we do have in our cupboards. At this point, the days are running into one another and I feel like I am just existing. There's gotta be more to life, right? |
| Today is Wednesday, which makes this another chemo day. Meds, the an hour with my therapist. Today, the pain and fatigue is too much. I came here to simply blog about what I am grateful for, hoping that act alone will help propel me a little further than my bed. Shall we commence? 1. the fridge, freezer and cupboards are full. I can whip up any number of dishes in matter of half an hour. That helps me feel like I am in control. 2. Rick and Zoe's care for me when I am feeling bad is top notch. 3. Libraries near us that have dvd copies of shows we want to watch that aren't streaming anywhere. 4. Chemo that is probably helping the rheumatoid reactions in my body. I am not thankful for the side effects. 5. Being oversaturated with things to resell that I did not have to pay for. 6. The ability to take cat naps. My circadian rhythm is quite generous to allow a mid day nap, and my internal alarm clock that wakes me after twenty minutes. 7. The oodles of cds and playlists I found from my past that are so good. |
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