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| As mobile phones became ubiquitous, there was a near total decline in the number of telephone call boxes. No one felt this more than Mr. Clark Kent. |
| NARRATOR (Daniel Craig): When not Licensed to Kill, On His Majesty’s Secret Service, British spy supreme James Blond like everyone else has to make ends meet. (Despite earning quite a decent wage, James has a gambling addiction to fund.) Fortunately he is skilled in more than just the art of assassination, and spends his downtime ‘Resting’, working on building his already considerable reputation as a Swiss Chocolatier. [Shots of Blond wearing a apron emblazoned with the message ‘From Switzerland With Love’ and a white chef’s hat, whipping up chocolate in a copper bowl] Working in Gruyères, a stones throw from Maison Cailler in Broc, (please don’t try to ascertain the truth of this statement as avalanches are really not welcome), Blond can turn his hand to Crunchy Frog, (sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose), and Chocolate Frogs (don’t open next to an open train window – you have been warned), but he specialises in hazelnut whirls. Indeed Blond’s hazelnut whirls are so good that he’s recently signed an exclusive five year contract to supply the luxurious moustache trials with his spirited confectionery. [Shots of James standing, creating hazelnut whirls, behind him we can see the Swiss Alps, and a couple of hang gliders swooping about] “Whoooohooo!” JAMES BLOND (Spy and Chocolatier): Right that’s enough for this morning. I fancy a bacon sandwich for lunch. ALESSIO (Fellow Chocolatier and not a spy): We seem to have run out James. |
| "If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy!" |
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| I love this image! Dapper aprons are making a comeback. Jolly good for James Blonde. He does not (yet) use his chocolatier skills to kill. That must require a different licence. But what a way to go, death by chocolate. |
ReplyWhy do children's playgrounds often feature monkey bars? I understand that moneys like a drink, many of us do, it's just the placement that seems odd. Perhaps Ninja's United!  could enlighten us? |
| NARRATOR (Ralph Fiennes): For most people, ‘resting’ is finding work to keep the wolves from the door when you’re not doing what you love best. But, for Dark Lord Toby, resting really is just that. A chance to let his hair down if he had any, and to recharge his batteries. We caught up with him in the Swiss Alps. DARK LORD TOBY (Evil): Well, people seem to imagine that being a dark lord is easy, stereotypes you know. Sit on my throne, make menacing pronouncements, oversee vast armies of evil, easy peasy really. Truth is it’s actually very demanding work, evil armies don’t just magically appear you know, well unless you use the right spells of course, but they need a lot of overseeing, and feeding, ha, have you ever tried sourcing a constant supply chain of fresh virgins for dragons? No? Well I have, and it’s impossible… FORTUNATELY, dragons will happily eat doughnuts instead, and I have this sweet deal with Iflop, only they don’t really like me talking about it. What am I doing? Well I’m getting ready to go hang gliding. Yes, yes I’m actually not too bad at it, I thought I’d look like some sort of deranged bat, what with my dark lord robes flapping about and everything, but life is about compromise, and so I’ve settled for my old college sweatshirt, Mugworts College Salem 192.. ahem anyway – nice and comfy, but my glider does have depictions of the glyph of terror and the glyph of running out of bacon on the wings, so, you know, keeping the side up. What got me into it? Actually it wasn’t a what so much as a who, two really nice people, John and Lisa, that I met whilst volunteering at the Animal Rescue place just down the road from me. They were talking about their plans for the weekend, and I said it sounded exciting, so they were like, ‘why don’t you come along?’, and the rest is history. I joined their group, and we go most fine weekends when I’m not actively trying to take over the world and wreak havoc upon my enemies. This weekend is rather special actually. I’ve just finished a rather successful campaign of evil, and you know, well crime does pay, said it before, will no doubt say it again, because it’s true. Anyway, I had an absolute hoard of gold, jewels the works, and I thought, why not treat the gang to a trip to the Alps, and here we are. We ready, yes? Whoooohoooooo……..! |
| NARRATOR (David Suchet): Murder is sadly all too common an occurrence, and rarely can you visit one of those visually stunning and terribly posh house parties without one or other of the guests being shot, poisoned, or even exterminated. However, despite this, due to there being a quite excessive number of amateur sleuths, (one house party I went to recently had no less than three inquisitive little old ladies with china blue eyes and a deceptively fragile appearance), and a not inconsiderable number of professionals, (a quick glance at the hat stand revealed a deerstalker, small bowler and a dishevelled raincoat). I seem to have forgotten what I was actually talking about. [Muttered aside] Oh yes. Well there are times when a detective is ‘between murders’. One of these detectives, we’ll call him HP (because he’s a saucy boy!) when not exercising his little grey cells, likes nothing better than to exercise his luxurious moustache. HP: I’ve had quite a few moustaches in my time, not a few of them were champions. Now this one is ‘Skip the Light Fandango the Third’ He’s a feisty little chap, loads of potential. I took him out around Hastings last year and he made a very promising showing. I’m expecting big things of him. NARRATOR: Are they hard to train? HP: Oh they can be, they can be, but Skip here has it in his blood. He’s a natural. Put him in a field with a small flock of assorted chocolates, and he’ll be rounding them up and cutting out the hazelnut whirls before you can say Harum Procol. |
| S 🤦 - Not sure if you have it, but in the UK we have HP sauce - sold with a picture of the Houses of Parliament on the bottle, but HP = HP = Saucy - also it's an in-joke with my son, and a reference to the Nigel and Marmalade animations. |
| NARRATOR (Ncuti Gatwa): The complete eradication of every other living creature in the universe might seem like a full time job, but with the very common problem of crashing on a backwards planet and having to wait a couple of decades for a repair man to nip over from Alpha Centauri during his lunch break, Daleks , like everyone else, have to find something to do whilst they’re ‘Resting!’ Some of them have tried to be Fashionistas… DALEK: Darrr-ling, you look fabulous in that strapless one man tent, but you’re clearly lacking something. ACCESSORIZE! ACCESSORIZE! You absolutely need a Kate Shovel bag to hang off your sucker. NARRATOR: But strangely most seem to be taken by the lure of the Eternal Bard. DALEK (Not the same Dalek obviously, but another one, it just looks the same): But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE… [Sound of high energy weapon discharging] I am so sorry. I got carried away. Do we have any understudies left? ANGUS BROSNIGAG (A Director): Don’t worry Love, it will be fine, Julie. Julie Lovey, can you call the agency again, get them to send us a few more hopefuls. Ta! Love. MURRAY MINTY (An Agent (also a rat)): Angus old chap, can I have a word, only Ms. Piper is getting a wee bit nervous about the possibility of being exterminated before she can be poisoned. ANGUS: It will be alright on the night Murray, all right on the night. MURRAY: Why do you always cross your fingers, your legs and your eyes when you say that Angus? |
| GUINEA PIG THREE (Graham): Everyone thinks that it’s all one long red carpet, and endless chilled salad bars. It’s true that it can be quite exciting working in the entertainment industry, but the trouble is, unless you’re really lucky, the work’s not continuous. You have to find things to do in the down times, when you’re ‘resting’, just to make ends meet… NARRATOR: Graham is a regular on the Newsfeed circuit. Since their first appearance in a skit about a ventriloquist uni-cycler that juggled three rather startled guinea pigs, Graham, along with Ralph and Toby have made frequent visits to the WdC Newsfeed, and their Christmas pantomime is already established as a festive favourite. But what do they do when they’re not entertaining(?) the masses? GRAHAM: Well Ralph is trying to become a TickTuber, or something, YouTock? Anyway he records podcasts about his stamp collection. After just 18 months, his viewing figures are almost in double digits, and with the advertising revenue he’s hoping to buy one of those Blue Mauritius sometime in 3026. Toby works as a brickie on a building site and as for me, well I take what I can get. Right now I’m doing night security at a hairdressing salon. Hardly glamorous, but it pays the rent. We’ve got another film coming up soon, bit hush hush at the moment, but you’ll have heard of the director, guy named Quentin, then we’ve got the Christmas panto, and that will get us into next year...  |
| Every guinea pig needs to consider where his next leaf of lettuce will be coming from. |
| So I'm writing a new story about the end of the world, only everyone is super relaxed and chill about it. It's called Calmaggedon. |
| Just a thought, but if you want to send a really strong email to your boss, try sending it via the gym. |
| Not to start any rumours here, but I heard that Quentin Tarantino's latest film is going to be a reworking of Cinderella, and he plans to play the Prince. |
I'm reminded of what my friend Jack says about poetry: it flies so far over my head as to be safe from anti-aircraft missiles  Wait, I do know something about him...  "Take Me to the Beach, by ID"  |
| I feel that in all humility and umm - well in that anyway, I should announce that I have been granted a new title and role by none other than... um well that's a secret for the moment, but anyway here is the announcement: "Your full title shall henceforth read: First Minister of Guineapiggle Silliness, Grand Archivist of Whimsy, and Keeper of the Sacred Snacks. Your responsibilities include: Ensuring at least one person per day snorts with laughter at something ridiculous. Preserving the noble lineage of Guinea Pigs with Proper Names (Ralph, Toby, Graham etc.). Hosting irregular festivals involving glitter, cardboard crowns, and interpretive dance performed by confused AI avatars. Naturally, your badge of office is a tiny velvet waistcoat worn by a guinea pig who refuses to be serious." |
| Trumpets made of kazoo noises 🎉 What a magnificent and appropriately absurdly distinguished honor! The Kingdom (or Queendom? Principality?) of Guineapiggle could not be more fortunate. As First Minister of Guineapiggle Silliness, your solemn duties (snort-inducing, crown-snipping, snack-stewarding) could not be in better paws—wait, hands. This is no trifling appointment. This is the kind of legacy they write rhyming limericks about! The Sacred Snacks shall remain crunchy, the glitter shall fall like rain, and the guinea pigs—resplendent in miniature waistcoats—shall never go unnamed again. |
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