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It was when he touched my hand that I realized how broken hearted I was. Or rather, how broken I had been. I felt nothing from his touch. It was only a slight indication of social discomfort that made me pull it away from his careful soft grip. He definitely was out of bounds, reaching over and picking up my hand like that. A part of me indignantly wondered what made him think he had the right. Mostly I was taken by surprise and it seemed that it took me at least a good 2 seconds or so to realize I was by touch connected to another human. I had obviously misjudged the distance the table put between us and unrightfully calculated that I was safe from such approaches. He made a few clumsy remarks and I replied with a few confused excuses. And so it went on until I decided it had gone on long enough. The game ended and another one picked up right after it. I felt trapped. He complimented me and I couldn’t help but feel that he aimed not only to disarm me, but to put me entirely under the rug. I sighed inwardly. All I wanted was to sit outside and enjoy a cold beer in the late summer sun. Get some drawing done, write a few bits. I wanted to end the story. I wanted to close my heart to it. I had enough of the hurt and pain it caused me and would keep causing me until I reached the end.
You had to break my heart one more time. One last time on your tab, one that you wouldn’t even bother to run away from. You would simply wipe your mouth on a napkin, let out a little half content half disappointed sigh, get up and casually walk out of the restaurant, hand in pocket smoking a cigarette. Perhaps you had expected me to put up a fight. Make a half decent meal, deny you desert. I did none of those things. Five course meal, chefs speciality and some fresh new stuff flown in on the occasion of this special re-visit. “Hope you enjoyed, wont expect to see you again. All the best in your future endeavours.” I even threw in a fortune cookie, I couldn’t think of anything witty or clever to write. “Walking away is easy” I thought about adding a smilie, but it somehow came out looking malicious so I tore it off and neatly rolled the little quote and slipped it in the cookie.
I cleaned the table and washed your dishes. No throwing this time, no crying, no drama.
I cut my hair again, after just a day or two it felt saggy and old again. Do the days collapse faster on me now? It will turn around I suppose. Things will be different. New information added to the database, new calculations, a slow turning of the cogs that will take me further away from the things I thought I wanted. Soon they will be far enough away that I forget why I wanted them in the first place. That day will come. All I have to do is wait.
Edited
You knew what kept me awake
The dreams, its too easy to snare me
I wonder why you haven’t left the scene and fled
Perhaps you simply have no other place to be
Its not enough, its not nearly enough
The pain is a joke and so is your cold icy heart
Late I said, its too late
Tell me how did it make you feel
The boundary we had reached imposing on our conversation
Pushing darkness like a thick veil over your superficial light
Your torch is made of the strength and stamina of a match
It’s a joke, and so is your cold icy heart
I hated that I had thoughts that seemed to have no other to address than you
I hated how it felt like you had nothing of the sort
Spreading yourself thin, you barely remembered what was given to me
And what had fallen to another
Like a bee visiting flowers, I must have seemed poisonous to the others
And perhaps they are right
Why you keep coming back is beyond me
But I hold my thoughts, and only you could pick them up
This situation is a joke, and so is your cold icy heart

i watched the show, it was a silly tv-show, one that people get excited about for reasons i dont quite understand
i disconnected my self from whatever was going on on the screen and felt only the presence of the group. i dwelled happily in its safety and enjoyed the feeling of bonds connecting and small mumbeling sounds every now and then.
As i got lost in this feeling i felt his breath against my neck, he whispered ”Could you stand this? This is what we would do every weekend, we go here and watch this together. This is my life” he said. As he spoke i turned my head, hushed him like he had jokingly done to me earlier and turned back to the non-watching of the show. With his voice close to my ear the screen became even blurrier. ”This is what we would do. Do you really want this” his voice was playful and seductive. Overwhelmed by the sudden invasion of my daydreaming i turned to him again, and looked deep in his eyes. One deep feeling emerged in me, deeper than anything and everything else. He kept whispering suggestions of things I might not like or be able to handle ”And we will never have children” when he said that i leaned in and kissed him. I kissed him and lightning struck me starting a flame that overtook and outruled everything. I pressed myself up against him and suddenly desperately wished we were alone. I feverishly searched for ways for us to get to a place as fast as humanly possible and f*** like crazy. Then I let go of his lips and turned back to the screen. My body was decivingly relaxed but my breathing had become slightly faster and my heart was beating unevenly.
the dreams came as a warning
and all the pain of loosing him rushed back to me
i loved him again, i longed for him just like then
it was the same as always
and i learned what had grown in darkness

deep down where i had buried us
it was a beautiful pain, like staring into the sun
it was a new star, that had defied the black hole
sucked inside it, i thought all was finally gone
but worlds had formed there, and i was getting glimpses of it
he held me, he whispered in my ear, he kissed me, i kissed him
we played on the streets and i had more than i wished for

i was happy like a child
i woke up, the feelings lingering
i wondered if he was shaken too
not a word, not a sound
it was the same as always
and i was changing again
She stared up at the night sky until she had forgotten
She sat there until the drops had left her skin and her hair was dry
Dragged by the agony of her dreams she woke up in a foreign place again
A light dew had set and she was covered in the shimmering drops again
The wind made her cold again
”The memory of the sweet vastness of the ocean seeps out and runs down my cold limbs.” she whispered
The morning sun reached and opened her eyelids trough the branches with dying autumn leafs
She lay there full of forgetfulness
Willingly she let the reds and yellows and browns be the only truth
The dancing light, the sun living its day
She settled
She changed colors with the leafs, fell with the leafs, let them bury her
Dew came again, then frost, then ice
The spring sun uncovered her
On the hottest day of the summer that came
She finally evaporated and was carried to the sea on a dark cloud
Do you hear my voice when we don’t speak?
Do you feel my fingertips when I dream about your skin
Can I hold the ghost you close if I promise to keep my distance
I’ll never ask anything of you, all the wishes I’ll lock deep inside
We will be the last secret, hidden even from you
Now that this is done, door is closed, I lost the last shard of my heart
I smile as I walk away, lost in memories that could have been ours
The other voices seemed to fade away. He was there to comfort her. To ease the fall into the deep depths of infinite responsibilities. For what she had done, there was no redemption. She had opened doors begging to be opened. If it hadn’t been her, there would have been some other. But it had been her. She had opened the door. Now darkness soothed in like a thick fog, slowly creeping over the floors, up the walls. He said nothing, he merely breathed

His eyes teared up when he heard her whisper those last words. When she whispered the last words she would ever utter to him. Whenever he thought of her, those very words echoed in the empty spaces of his mind. The ones she left behind. The voids of darkness and utter lack of sentiment.
I didn’t want to hear, what might be meant to her. I shut you out like a kid covering its ears. I am too lonely, my heart is too fragile to bare the truth. I’d rather dwell here, in my dreams, where my love is safe. I cradle it and care for it like a sick child. Behind closed doors we will die from the slow echo, the poisonous fumes that is your name and everything you are to me.
If it would please your eyes I will lie naked all night. Let the dark moon scorn me and eat my skin. If it pleases you, the day will be the same. With my chest exposed and the sand tearing me open. To stay in your arms for just a little while longer.
My eyes wearily searching someone to hold
Reflection in the pond gazed so lovingly back at me
From the water emerged a creature
So deceivingly carefree
I was wearily searching my long lost friend
In my heart we hardly parted
The one now staring back at me
Shifting shapes so carefully
When the stars come searching for me
I have lost my will to the creature in the pond
Greedily sucking my infected love
Deluding me so carelessly
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