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Public Reviews
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Review by Abel Jack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very nice story! I can't tell you what a child would think of this, but I have a few thoughts. The meaning is well-crafted, and it's explained and repeated near the end, which would help with clarity.

That said, I feel that if the daughter's sickness was played as a tragedy, then her recovery should be celebrated. Am I putting that wrong? Maybe, but I think that adding a sentence to give more closure would help the change in tone be more clear for children.

And one last thing- how many roses are there supposed to be? It's usually worded in a way which assumes each brother planted one rose. But here: "The older brother grew his roses as always..." implies that they (or at least the older brother) grew several?

This is the type of story I think would be good for elementary children to learn from.
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Review by Abel Jack Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This seems like a very interesting story, and I like the premise! I did notice an error (though it isn't that bad): When you have several paragraphs of dialogue from the same speaker, put an open-quote at the beginning of each paragraph.

It would be, “Today is a day like no other in your life. Today, you stand where countless others have stood. You have proven your worth as a champion of humanity. You have endured for years and have overcome difficulties some would believe impossible.

"You have surpassed all of our expectations as a cadet and have shown true resilience as well as passion. That very same fiery passion that has burned in the hearts of hordes of soldiers before you — and that burns in your hearts now — let it be the same one that fuels your love for the United Planetary Front.

"The very same burning, incandescent love that pushed you to give your life to the United Planetary Front — a noble sacrifice that shall be honored for generations to come, as you have your whole life..."

The quotation would not end until the end of the speech, if I remember correctly.

Also, and this might be explained later, what is the reason behind the tasteless and colorless paste? If the reason is to save money for the UPF, wouldn't they leave it as its natural color and flavor? Is it only nutrients? If so, where do the necessary fibers or fats come from? I'm sorry for going on, but this is something that interested me.

I've actually never read anything from the 'you are the mc' perspective. This is a nice intro for me. Thank you for taking the time to write this, even if it was just for fun on your end.
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