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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/abookluvr
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43 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Midnight Dawn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello! I was looking through the IM console to see if my friends were on and your name caught my eye. Tor is one of my favorite publishing houses. I checked out your port and find this delightful story.

What I liked:
I felt like I was reading a new fairy tale. The Keeper of the Word is a new and interesting concept for a jaded reader like myself. And you have some beautiful descriptive paragraphs, particularly about Tessa.

What did not work for me:
My attention tends to drift when the main character is not introduced in the first paragraph, and I have noticed others feel the same. While the descriptiveness of the first two paragraphs is well done, IMHO, it would be better to introduce your character first, then work in the details of his world as you tell the story, if, indeed, it is necessary to the story at all...

Grammar, Spelling, and the Odd Opinion or Two:

The sky was clear and offered it’s jewels,

"it's" should be "its". With the apostrophe, it means "it is" for possessive pronoun, you should use "its"

*Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2*

The Great Wilderness was home not only to beasts*,* but to elves, fairies and dwarfs who worked the ground beneath it’s surface searching for gems and ore with which to work their craft.

"it's" should be "its"

*Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2*

He was “Mind Casting” as his father had taught him so many winters ago when he was a boy.

I would lose the quotes here. Mind casting is a normal word to him and this world, so no quotes needed.

*Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2*

It was no use, no matter how hard he tried, nothing came to him. Bleveod’s head sank into his hands and he released a great sigh; It is true, he thought, I am empty of the word.

A bit of a run on sentence here, and some internal dialogue, which is always tricky to do.

Might I suggest:
It was no use; no matter how hard he tried, nothing came to him. Bleveod’s head sank into his hands and he released a great sigh. It is true. I am empty of the Word.

*Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2*

There had always been Keepers of the word in his clan

I'd capitalize "word" since it is part of his title.

*Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2*

Bleveod had taken the mantel of Keeper from his father
Mantel--this spelling of the word is a part of a fireplace. I think you meant "mantle" which is a loose sleeveless coat worn over outer garments; a cloak.

*Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2*

What good is a Keeper of the Word when he had no words to give his people.

End this one with a question mark, rather than a comma.

*Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2*

The powerful wind died as suddenly as it had begun*,* and Bleveod noticed at once, the deathly silence which followed.

*Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2*

His grandfather had told of them and had told stories his father had told him.

A bit confusing here... Might I suggest a slight tweaking of this sentence?

His grandfather had told of them and his father had passed those stories down to him.

*Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2*

In height she measured almost to his chin. Her hair, which cascaded down past her shoulders almost to her waist, was the color of honey with red flecked throughout.

A beautiful descriptive paragraph for Tessa, which I thought was very well done. But I found myself wishing for some way to know what Bleveod looked like as well, beyond the white hair and beard. Perhaps you would work more details of his appearance in, somehow?

*Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2*

“Keeper no longer*,* fair lady.”

*Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2*

“You are now and will always be: The Keeper of the Word”.

I'd lose the colon. It is not needed here.

*Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2*

Just before the sun arose, Tessa, who lay nestled at Bleveod’s side*,* leaned close to his ear and whispered softly and he dropped into a deep sleep.

This almost seemed to imply she whispered some spell in his ear that sent him into a deep sleep. I know from later in the story what she said, but still at this point you might want to clarify. Perhaps, "Comforted by her words, he dropped into a deep sleep."

*Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2*

He stared at the fire that by some magic, still burned as if to *insure* himself he had not dreamed the whole affair.

I think you meant "reassure" rather than "insure" in this context?

*Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2*

“Until then*,* my Tessa.”

*Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2* *Snow2*

In closing:
A sweet story, with a fairy tale feel to it, and not much for me to quibble over, other than a few tiny grammar details. Keep in mind though, that this style is a bit stand-offish for a reader. While I enjoyed the story, I did not quite connect with your main character. I felt like I was having a tale told to me, rather than feeling like I was there with the character. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as I enjoy fairy tales, but may not work for all readers.

************

I hope my review was helpful, and if you truly would like more feedback, I urge you to consider joining Longswords, Lasers, and Literature"Longswords, Lasers, & Lit Application
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Review by Midnight Dawn
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Cubby! Thanks for rewarding my review! In return, I thought I would pay a visit to your port, where I found this lovely little gem!

What I liked:
You brought the town of Remember to life. I love your descriptions and the way you painted a picture of this homey little town, poor but full of good people who supported each other. A truly lovely place to grow up, I think.

And I enjoyed the first person point of view. It is very effective for drawing me into the story and letting me see things through the main character's eyes.

What did not work for me:
Cubby, I just wanted more! More details of her childhood, more about the neighbors and the town and growing up there. More about her life and the shocks of living with her newly met grandparents in the modernized home of her Aunt May. And more emotions at the end when the her parents and her previous life were lost.

Grammar, spelling, and the odd opinion or two:

I look back on the culture shock I must have had, with all the fine

I'd remove "must have" No "must" about this. She definitely had culture shock, moving from such primitive conditions to a modernized home. And again, I wouldn't mind reading more in depth on the kinds of shocks she received. *Smile*

*Flower5**Flower5**Flower5*

And the new dresses I was given were so unusual compared to what I was used to.

A little more description here. The word "unusual" just does not tell me enough. How are are they unusual? How are they different from her old clothes? What were her old clothes like?

*Flower5**Flower5**Flower5*

Aunt May took me aside, hugging me tighter than usual. At first I was confused [by] all the tear-filled eyes that stabbed my innocent soul.

“There was a fire,” someone began.

“A fire?” I asked.

“Yes, a large fire that spread through the neighborhood,” another person said.

At first, I did not understand.

“A fire?” I repeated, still unaware what was going on.


I am confused as to who "all the tear-filled eyes" belonged to. And who is speaking? You refer to "someone" and "person" But it would be more effective if you used Gramma Jane or Uncle Bob--I know it is not some random stranger, but I still think the names would personalize the story a little more.

And I have a little thing about dialogue tags. I like to cut them when I can. They tend to not be very descriptive. This is just a suggestion, Cubby, and definitely just reflects my personal reading preferences, but here's an example of what I mean:

“There was a fire.” Gramma Jane's voice was so choked with tears that I could barely understand her.

“A fire?” I repeated, still unaware what was going on.

“Yes, a large fire that spread through the neighborhood.” Uncle Bob hugged me close, tears in his eyes.

“A fire where?” I pulled away, looking in confusion at the sad faces surrounding me.

*Flower5**Flower5**Flower5*

In closing:
This town could be the setting for a wonderful childhood story a la Laura Ingalls Wilder, if you, well, "biggered" it. Have you ever thought of using this story as the genesis of a preteen/young adult novel? I can tell you have the skill to do this, and I think it would be a wonderful story!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

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Review of Turning Point  
Review by Midnight Dawn
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Poetry reviewing is not my strong suit. But this made my poor romantic soul just shiver with feeling. Excellent word choices that really helped to evoke strong emotions and it flows beautifully. And this looks like a very challenging form of poetry too!

You should be very proud of this!
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Review of Facing reality  
Review by Midnight Dawn
Rated: E | (3.5)
This piece evokes very beautiful images and emotions. You do very well showing the emotions of your two characters. And I can picture this scene perfectly in my head based on your descriptiveness.

The only thing is, that for me, at least, this felt incomplete. Almost like this is just the opening to what could be a much larger story. I found myself wanting a stronger closing, with Sam discussing his feelings with Tiffany, perhaps making her decision to go to the city much harder, or even changing it.
I can see why you ended it where you did, but I couldn't help wishing for more. Which is a compliment, in a way. I liked these characters enough that I wanted more of them!

A few things that jumped out at me while reading.
****************************************************
*Note1* Her soft skin shone brightly even at night

Just a suggestion, but it might be better here to show why it is shining. She's not radioactive, I hope. *Wink* (and I hope you have a sense of humor!)

Instead of saying "even at night" Perhaps:

Her soft skin shone brightly in the starlight.
******************************************************

*Note1* “This place is only good for either growing corn, or dying.”

Another little suggestion for an added word, just to stress Tiffany's point.

****************************************************

*Note1* Light-colored waves rippled in the icky black water.

Did you mean "icky" as in gross and disgusting? Or did you mean "inky" as in dark? I hope you meant inky, because it really would be gross to be paddling and splashing each other with icky water. Not a romantic picture, that! *Wink*

And if you did mean "inky" I'd drop the word "black" after it. Inky already means black, and you used "blackness" just a little earlier in the paragraph to describe the water, so the word "black" jumped out at repetitive to me.
****************************************************

One final suggestion. If you leave spaces between your paragraphs, it is much more inviting to readers. It just clearly breaks the story up into bits that are easier on our eyes, especially when reading off the computer screen.
**************************************************

All in all, this was a beautiful little story full of skillful imagery, good, smooth dialogue, and it introduced two interesting characters. Nice job and welcome to Writing.com!

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Review of Adoring Eyes  
Review by Midnight Dawn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh Kitti! I love this one so much! It evokes such unconditional love. The kind people only get from their furry companions. This poem just made me feel warm and happy and made me miss my little cat, Nermal--she passed away 8 years ago and I never replaced her. This brought back such good memories! Thanks for sharing it, Kitti!

No technical complaints about this one either. It flows beautifully and each word adds to the feeling and picture of love that you are trying to create. A wonderful poem, from start to finish!
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Review by Midnight Dawn
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This scenario is one of my worst nightmares. My daughter is autistic and, someday, if all goes well, the school has told me she would do well in a group home. I can only hope that someone caring like you will be working there to watch out for her. Why don't they fire these awful people? Why do they just transfer them elsewhere to harm other helpless people? The system makes me so angry.

You've made me forget I meant to review this! I got too emotionally involved with this true story. It is very well written and emotionally gripping. I hope it evokes as much outrage in all its readers as it did in me. If more people are aware of these problems, maybe things will change and I won't have to fear for my daughter's future so much.
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Review of Fingers  
Review by Midnight Dawn
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)
Lovely, sweet, and so very romantic. Each word is perfect and conveys your emotions. No wonder you have won her heart. No lady could resist this kind of writing. Thank you for sharing it, Jedi Moo.
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Review of As You Wish  
Review by Midnight Dawn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Oh! How in the world did you build such an eerie atmosphere in such a short piece! I am envious. *Smile*The imagery is wonderful, supported by your great word choices! Every single word you used just added to the atmosphere as it built, until those closing lines sent shivers down my spine.

Very well done, Kit!
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Review by Midnight Dawn
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Very interesting opening. This did catch my attention. Good way to start off the story. You have a good concept here and a decent grasp of grammar and spelling and dialogue writing. And the captain sleeps with an alien sleep toy? *Laugh* I liked that touch! You definitely have a good sense of humor. LOL

And as I told you, I do a bit of nitpicking in my reviews. These are just my opinions, so please feel free to use or discard anything you wish. *Smile*
********************************************
Or...so it seems.

Or so it seemed.

You need to match your verb tense with "streaked" from the previous sentence.
****************************************************
There is a bit too much telling me about the aliens. I really like writing styles where a picture is painted for me showing me, rather than telling. A little telling goes a long way and can get a bit hard to read. Show me through action and dialogue what and who is on the bridge.

For example, rather than:
Inside of the bridge of a space ship are ten aliens, all of whom are seated and managing multi-colored control panels that control the ship.

Although sitting, all look to be about 6 foot 5. Their faces are flat. Eyes are green and snake-like. Various tattoo's decorate the tips of their double noses.

Maybe this:

Inside the bridge, the Terramassians sat watching multi-colored panels, their green, snake-like eyes narrowed with concentration as they controlled the ship.
****************************************************
Here you could work in a little more information.

"Place inserts accordingly, the oxygen content here is higher than expected." The blonde leader toyed with the black collar about his neck, running his fingers over the various purple and gold emblems decorating it. He instructed his dredlocked crew. "Place them deeply."
****************************************************
And here is a perfect place to naturally mention the tattooed noses and flat faces.

Like so:
"Uhhhn, uhhhn, uhhhn, reek toe raaaaaa!" One of the aliens in back screamed in pain from the inserts as blood began to trickle from the tattooed nostrils of his right nose and down his flat face.

*****************************************************
I hope you see what I am trying to do and are not offended by the way I am moving your words about. And, of course, just because I like a particular style of writing, does not mean it is best. This is just my honest opinion of how to make this something I would enjoy reading more. Since this is a WIP, I won't go deeper into a review at this point, but I would be happy to come back and look at it again later, if you like. You have a good concept, and with just a bit of tweaking this could be a really great start to a story that I would enjoy reading.

I look forward to seeing how you develop your concept!
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Review of Picture Me...  
Review by Midnight Dawn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I have to rate this one as perfect! Perfect rhythmic flow, excellent unforced rhymes, and the message really spoke to me. That last verse actually got me a bit misty-eyed. I loved this one! I'm glad I had my eye on the scroll and caught this before I signed off for the night. Thanks for sharing it, Sarah Rae!
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Review by Midnight Dawn
Rated: ASR | N/A (Unratable.)
I don't usually read a lot of poetry, but I very much like this! It paints a lovely picture in my mind. I love how it flows as I read it to myself--almost musical.

Thanks for sharing this!
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