Suppose I took my life and died,
unable to face another dawn,
another twenty four hours,
a day of demands, of demons, of dark despair.
I love the alliteration in the opening staza, with all the "d" words. The final line really brings it home, but the final word of the first two lines foreshadows it. The opening "suppose" really makes for an interesting intro too. It reveals that the speaker is merely considering taking their own life, which adds to the intrigue.
So mired in my misery that I,
cut short the time allocated to me.
Stop the clock.
Take time of death.
Is that comma supposed to be there? Looks like that may be an error. Maybe consider ditching the "my" from this line too, though keeping it in adds to the "m" alliteration. The second half of the stanza is composed of entirely single syllable words, which make it sound sudden. Abrupt. It suits the message of those lines perfectly.
Torn I tumble into hell,
too late now to change my mind
tortured take the form of tree
misshapen, twisted, harpie feed.
Maybe a comma after the word "torn". Maybe after "mind" too? Lots of "t" alliteration in this stanza. "T" is a good scary consonant and evokes words like terror, torture, torment, many of which you used. Works great!
Surrounding me a thousand faces.
Each one tells of a moment lost.
Each the time of some soul's premature passing,
and one of those,
would be mine.
Interesting use of the comma to pause there. It's not grammatically correct, but it makes one pause during reading, which heightens the dramatic impact of the final line. So I'd say to keep it in. ;)
Nice work. Nice buildup. Nice job! You're a wonderful poet! Thanks for sharing your work. :)