*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/anigh
Review Requests: ON
1 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Checkpoint  
Review by BD Mitchell
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good evening! I found your item on the "Please Review page and thought I'd give it a go.

Your sparing use of detail is excellent. I feel like I have a clear image of the setting without being buried under description. It sounds like a curious place, too, where automatons are a recognizable part of life even out in the desert wastes.

I did stumble over a few lines. It may just be me, but I had to do a double-take over these:

"Only miles to go, he reminded himself. A few dozen or so."

It wasn't clear to me if by "only miles" you meant mere miles -- as opposed to a much larger distance like leagues -- or if you were saying that the vast remainder of the journey couldn't be measured by inches or feet, only by miles. Since multiple dozens seems like long way to walk, I assume the latter, but I did have to consider it.

"He was close enough to see the towers rising in the horizon..."

Are the towers his destination? If so, the fact that the traveler can make out their surface appearance from twenty to thirty miles away really speaks to his vision provider. If they are not his destination and instead landmarks along his route, maybe this could be made clearer?

"... the towers rising in the horizon, their material identical to the road, absorbing every speck of crimson light..."

I'm not sure if there's an official stance on sentences like this, but I'm not fond of adding more than one descriptive clause -- it feels uncomfortably like a run-on to me. Perhaps it could be broken up? Something like:

"... the towers rising in the horizon. Their material was identical to the road, absorbing every speck of crimson light..."


And that's all I got. The rest of your piece is flawless and effective, and suggests a much larger universe than is presented by a single flash fiction. An excellent story!

Write away!
-the Hedoren


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/anigh