This is an engaging and entertaining story and I like the concept behind it! The beginning works well, starting out slow with what seems like a normal camping trip before the main character starts noticing that the stars were disappearing. I thought that scene was very effective. I also like that the alien being Hatu tries his greeting in every language before he finds that they speak English. That's a nice touch.
I will say that it leaves the reader wanting a little more background or explanation about some things. To me, this kind of feels like a prelude or beginning to a longer story. Who are the Guides of Sebraxis? Is Hatu one of them or is he another species? How did Hatu know exactly where to find them? What was the Hollow and how did it get to Earth? Are there more of them or were they all destroyed? If so, is the threat against the Architect gone now or is there something else out there? Where exactly are they going? What will she be training for, a battle of some kind? I think leaving some things open ended is ok, but there does seem to be a lot of unanswered questions here.
But it does make me want to read more, so good work! Keep it up!
Aww, what a sweet story. An event like that would definitely put things in perspective about how pointless and stupid a fight with a loved one might be. I like that it's based off of a Bruce Springsteen song too. I'm a fan of Springsteen.
The only real comment I have is about the 911 dispatcher. As far as I know, the dispatchers main job is to keep the caller calm and also to keep them on the line until the police or ambulance actually arrives. So I don't think they would actually hang up the phone at that point. It's a pretty minor thing, but I think the phone call would be a little more realistic with those two things in mind.
But besides that, I like this story! It has a nice moral too. I think the ending might be a tiny bit confusing with so many angels referenced. Was she the angel? Or did an angel lead her to help the man? Or was the man the angel, for guiding her to this realization about her life? It might actually be stronger if you just stick to one of those points (maybe two, but all three seems like just a little too many angels for one story). Good work here!
Wow, such stunning imagery! I really love this. And I like the idea of visual art directly inspiring word art. Imagery is one of my weak points in poetry so I'm always impressed when people can do it so well and so effortlessly.
The only comment I have is on this line:
"a snowman sees
us through short-lived endeavors,"
I get that rhyming is probably the reason for the line break where it is, but I feel like that line just doesn't flow as well as the rest of the poem for some reason. I think because it's a strong end rhyme that's not in a natural break in the sentence structure. But honestly, because there isn't a strict rhyming scheme here, I don't think you need to end the line on "see" to rhyme with "breeze". You could leave it as more of an internal rhyme and that might help the flow and add a bit more complexity. Maybe try moving "us" to the line before, or some other configurations for that line, and see how that changes the flow.
This is a very engaging story, you definitely captured the creep factor. And it's very realistic how everyone else just sees Mr. Christopher as a "charmer" and thinks all of his unwanted attention is sweet and flattering. It's so common for stalkers to be seen that way and not taken seriously, so nothing is done by anyone until it's too late. I feel for the main character who is (rightly) scared for her life, so much so that she has to go into hiding and not even contact her own family.
I like the scene where she realizes that he ordered "her usual" for her-- and not just "the usual", but he knew her specific order. That's a nice touch that's very effective at making the reader feel as creeped out as Cecilia does. I didn't notice any spelling or grammatical issues that stood out. All in all, a well written story! Keep writing!
Love the twist ending here! That would definitely be frightening... although that's what she gets for slapping him! But this is a very interesting and creative interpretation of the prompt.
I do think this line could be broken up into two sentences: "The voice that came from her eight year old son's mouth was deep, confident and raspy, it was not a boy's voice and it sent chills up the woman's spine."
What a well-written story! Such great imagery and metaphor throughout.
I really enjoyed this.
I like the scenes of her childhood intertwining with who / where she is now as an adult. Even the lines: "She’d pull herself back into the truck bed, to safety. Why was she was always hanging over the edge? Teetering on the precipice of darkness, balancing on one foot but then complaining there was no solid ground?" relates directly to her current situation, teetering on the precipice of darkness with alcohol.
The whole story is a perfect picture of how alcohol can take over and destroy a life. I also like the phrase "the devil's piss" and the comparison to the hamster who used to pee on everyone. Adds a bit of humor into an other wise pretty dark story. It also brings everything back to the main theme, and gives the impression that she doesn't even really enjoy the taste of alcohol anymore (comparing it to piss), she just drinks it because she needs to. Despite the fact that it's clearly destroying her liver and her health.
I also noticed the subtle reference to a lost pregnancy with the ultrasound comment, which was very tactfully and effortlessly worked in. Might be an easy thing to miss if reading too quickly, but the fact that the unborn child reminded her of Miggy was a nice touch. Well done with the dialogue too! It comes across as very natural, which can be hard to do with children since they talk differently than adults do (especially to each other without adults around).
As a note, I also used to play with yellow dandelions as a child and make paste from them, so this was very relatable.
My one suggestion would be to add in some spacing between paragraphs just to make this a little easier to read, as opposed to one big chunk of text. Besides that, great work with this short story. Keep writing!
I like this, there's some good detail and imagery and a lot of action. The beginning prologue really draws the reader in. The smiley face of blood was a very creepy detail too. I have a distinct feeling this is a werewolf situation, even though it's not explicitly said. But I like the concept and the mystery. From the main character's perspective, she has no idea why she's there or what's happening, just like the reader, and in fact the reader learns things kind of at the same time the character does, which works well here.
One little comment, I'd be careful about mixing tenses. Most of the story is in past tense, but every now and then you slip into present tense. For example, "She was confused, scared. How is she here?" I'd just try to keep that consistent throughout. And I think in Chapter 2, you mean "intriguing" instead of "entriuging" and "legible" instead of "eligible". I will also note that in the letter, "Why did I tell you what I just said?" would be an odd thing to write, it's since not speaking. You could change it to "Why do I write this?" or even "Why am I writing this?" or just leave that line out entirely.
Aww, what an adorable little story. I love the ending! It reminds me a little bit of the Brave Little Toaster. I also like that the three office supplies seem to have their own personalities when they come to life. There might be a way you can exaggerate the differences between them even more in the dialogue to make them even more unique. I almost wish the story was a little bit longer so I could get to know the office supplies a little more before the sun rises again.
I do think that the opening line could probably be something more creative than "Once, there was a man who worked inside an office." which seems a little bit overused. Also, there are a few places in the dialogue that I think should be broken up into two sentences instead of one because grammatically they are two complete sentences.
For example: "We are cared about right, we must have families we go home to like the higher beings right?” is actually two questions. There's a few other instances of the same thing.
My overall impression is that this is an amusing story about a blob from outer space taking over the planet, starting with the main character Carole. It reminds me of the old movie The Blob. In fact, the way it's written is also fairly movie-like. I think there's a lot of good description and detail and some moments of humor throughout. I like the stomach stretching scene. This story has potential, although I do think there is room for improvement.
Characters:
It seems like the Blob and Carole have a lot in common, in that they're both extremely ambitious and power hungry and want control. They actually seem to get along, even though it's kind of a host/parasite relationship. I think the dialogue could use some work in places, but the characters are good.
Plot:
The plot, although a little bit predictable, is still entertaining. I think the ending works, but I kind of wanted some karma in the end. I was hoping that Carole would have a moment of regret when the Blob completely took over her and she would lose control over her body to the Blob in the end. I think that would be pretty ironic.
Technical notes:
I noticed there are many sentences missing punctuation, so I recommend checking to make sure every sentence ends with a period or some other punctuation mark. I noticed several other punctuation or grammar issues as well, for example:
“I’ll show you all what I’m capable of”. I’ll create an amazing piece of work and gain all of your respect”. She thought angrily to herself
You end the quotation marks twice here. Also, as a note, the period at the end of the sentence should go inside the ending quotation mark. This probably seems nitpicky, but these things can be quite distracting from the narrative of the story itself. I would go through the story with a fine tooth comb to catch any grammatical, spelling or punctuation mistakes.
I really like this! Something about the way it's written is just beautiful. I got the impression of a new love fizzling out with the realization that they don't have much in common and they have nothing to talk about except the weather. The narrator is lucky indeed to realize this before they become "blinded by the light" and things end in heartbreak. For such a short piece, this feels complete and the ending is quite satisfying.
One small little comment: I think you meant to say "to let its love breathe" with an "e" at the end, otherwise it's the noun form of the word. Also, I think the phrase "The desire I craved for you" is a little odd since you wouldn't say "I craved for cereal" or anything similar. And it's not the desire that's doing the craving, either, so maybe consider rephrasing that a bit.
An interesting concept! I like the idea of paying a debt for using magic, and of everyone having their own person limit of how much they can do at once. I also like the integration of science and magic, since they are usually considered to be opposites.
I think the flashback to the class is a pretty good way to explain a lot of the backstory, but it does feel very expository since it's a "lecture". There may be a way you could take some of the explanation out and work it a little more subtly into the narrative later on. For example, instead of having her actually say what the consequences are, you could have someone ask and have her trail off or give a vague answer like "You don't want to find out..." or somehow end the flashback without giving a specific answer to leave the reader hanging. Because they're going to find out what the consequences are anyway when the main character exceeds his limit at the end of the chapter. A little suspense can go a long way. I also suggest maybe adding in a little bit more detail or character development into the classroom scene so it doesn't feel so much like the purpose is just to explain the background.
There's a lot of good detail and imagery throughout, which I enjoy. I like the dialogue between the main character and Anitra too. That part really adds to his character, how he responds to being treated that way as if he's kind of used to it. It's also a bit of an unexpected twist, which adds to the feeling of him being blindsided. It's not how I expected the date to go.
One technical thing I noticed is that you often don't end the dialogue with a period before closing quotation marks. For example:
“Well, this is new”
He brings up the description.
“Cast a random low-level spell.”
“Might be useful”
Both the first and the last lines there should end with a period inside the quotes, like the second to last line does.
And one last suggestion about the dialogue, particularly in the last scene. I assume he's by himself at this point, and thus talking to himself. Which people actually do sometimes, especially when things are going wrong, but typically not to say out loud what they're doing or about to do. So I'd go back and think about what feels natural to actually say out loud in a situation like that. Probably "I have to stop." could be taken out or replaced with some kind of exclamation of surprise or a curse.
All in all, this is a fun story and a good start to a novel! I'd like to read the next few chapters at some point. Keep it up!
Haha, I love this idea! Great execution too, it's very believable for a sci-fi story. Almost a little TOO close to reality. The dialogue is very natural and flows well, which can be hard to do. One minor thing I noticed is that you don't use periods before or between dialogue. For example, I think it should be: "Chris risked a faint, distracted smile. “They haven’t noticed yet.” Silence echoed around the table as that sank in."
Besides that minor detail, I really enjoyed this! And it's not lost on me that the company is called Smoogle which I assume is in reference to a real life tech company that has taken over the world. Love the ending too. Although the last sentence might have even more of an impact if you took out the "and" at the start, just because starting a sentence with "and" almost makes it feel like an afterthought. Awesome story, keep it up!
I love this! Awesome imagery and descriptions. Fits very well with the lyrics of the song that inspired the story. I really like the idea of a sandy desert planet with whirlpools of sand that turn things into solid glass. And I think Jack is a great character. I like that he talks to himself even though there's one one around. I imagine that I would too, alone in the empty vacuum of space. I was admiring his determination and persistence throughout, then the irony of the ending really hit home. He was so close to being rescued! :( Well done, really entertaining story!
Very nice ode of the new generation. A generation of change, a turning of the tide. Well written poem! I especially like the second stanza. Keep on writing!
This is a nice poem! I love the ocean, this really makes me miss it. The rhyming scheme is good. Although there is one line that doesn't rhyme as the others do: "Each sailor must take every care to hold" should rhyme with "all". I think the rest of the rhymes work. There are a handful of places where the rhymes can feel a tiny bit forced. For example, "Should he forget to heed advice of this". I can get the point just fine, but it's not necessarily a natural way to phrase it. Just something to keep in mind, but I enjoyed this poem! Keep it up!
Really interesting take on the prompt of a first date! Great use of detail and imagery to make the story come to life. I love the description, "You stand and smile, the grooves of grief etched in sharp relief on your too-thin cheeks. But you are still tall and straight and handsome, years of Army life showing in your posture." I can just picture it. I also like that it's written in first person, but written as if speaking to the husband. Such a heartbreaking situation, and you captured it really well.
I like the beginning stanza, and the ending is very poignant. This is a well done piece. I get the sense of a friendship that could have been more, but things got complicated and now the friendship is over. I've always said that romance is the fastest way to kill a friendship. And I think a lot of people can relate to that situation. My only suggestion is that the lines where the next line continues the same sentence (for example the first line) probably don't need a comma at the end. There's already a pause there because of the line break, so I don't think it's really necessary. But that might just be personal preference. In any case, good work! Keep writing!
I'm a fan of Lizzie and also a fan of this! It's kind of a twist on the idea of killing them with kindness. Even when bullies treat you poorly and say horrible things, you can make something positive from it and still show them the light (so to speak). I like that idea. Retaliating or bullying someone back never works to improve the situation, it'll only make things worse. What a nice tribute to a truly inspiring woman!
This is a very timely short story about the world ending. It sure feels familiar in the current year. I like that even though it's clearly meant to be fiction, nothing is really exaggerated to the point that it's unbelievable. It seems like this could be Global Warming destroying the planet but on a faster time scale, and a more universal cult called The Church which is sort of every cult and every religion combined into one.
I also think this is a pretty realistic response that humanity would have to learning that we have only days or weeks left until the world ends. In times of disaster, or loss, or existential threat, that's when people are most vulnerable to manipulation by cults. That's when people need the comfort of believing that they have some kind of control over their own fate (aka. to stop "hell from coming to earth" by human sacrifice). Which makes this not only entertaining to read, but also a glimpse into human nature. Well done!
Hi, welcome to writing.com! I'm also back to writing this year after a break, so I can relate to this. I look forward to seeing what tales you have in store! I'm still fairly new as well, but feel free to ask if you have any questions or anything about the platform.
Definitely did not expect that ending! I like the humor in this, I think it's well written and entertaining. I could see Medieval children running around chanting that nursery rhyme. And the meter in the rhyme works well
I'm not sure it's entirely necessary to define all the rhyming words (besides "Wimple" since that's the main one of interest and also the one people are least likely to know the definition of). Especially since you can kind of get that in context from the nursery rhyme. It just kind of slows the story down a bit. I think the name of the demon should either be Wimple or Simon Simple!
Also, if a demon like that appeared in front of me, I'd probably have a lot more to say than “I - I - I don’t know what you mean". But that's just me. :P Anyway, nice work here!
Another well written poem and lovely imagery! The flow of it actually does remind me a bit of a rain pattering against a window. The way you use line breaks is very smart. I do think there are some places where you end a line with a comma which doesn't necessarily need it.
For example: "So simple is the rain,
Cascades for days and lays,
In mud to seep in Earth,
And spring life."
I don't think you need the comma after "lays" here since it's the middle of a single phrase. I think it can be a little distracting to add extra punctuation where it's not really needed, unless it's being used to add extra pause. Each line break itself already acts as a natural pause, so I like to be stingy with the punctuation at the end of lines. Although, that may just be a matter of personal preference.
In any case, I enjoyed reading this. Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you're enjoying it so far. I'm fairly new too, but feel free to reach out if you need anything.
Wow, this is really beautifully written. The imagery is very effective and gripping, and the flow is nice. I can just hear this performed as a spoken word poem. I like the repetition of the first line at the end, it's a good way to wrap things up and leave the poem feeling complete.
My favorite section is: Oh, woe, let me dissolve,
I am already in reach.
A leech, you are, suckle on,
My woe is not your plight.
I taint water with my blood,
It is emeralds, embellished,
Skin embossed by that leaf
I imagine that this was very cathartic and therapeutic to write. You have a lot of talent, keep writing!
This is quite interesting. I really like this part:
"I the Ego,
hereby puffed and cracked and
simultaneously, numb,
demand ancient answers, ever un-coming."
The repetition also works very well, considering that the main idea is writing the same poem repeatedly. It gives me a feeling of being stuck in a rut, not being able to break out or create something new. I like the ending too. Overall, a very well written piece. Keep it up!
This is really cute, especially the ending. I like the characters. I wouldn't trust Emily to not go outside either. Hector is a good friend indeed for offering to go with her instead of trying to ban her from the outdoors completely. But, man, 26 cats is a lot. I like cats, but that's too many.
The only real suggestion I have is to watch the punctuation, especially in the dialogue. For example: "Okay, but remember no going outside until I'm back okay?" I think that could use another comma or two in there to break it up a little. And maybe a little more description of the house would be nice.
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