I've learnt that he was right for now my charred lungs
remind me, with cough and wheeze and blood stained spittle,
Good image. Pretty gross actually, but when is dying of what sounds like emphysema a pretty sight?
Now I've killed my babies and the fires of Hell await me!
A horrific realization for someone who has just been given three months to live. I'd personally italicize the "and" for even more emphasis.
Edits and Suggestions:
Fire! Fire! Fire! The engine rushes to the scene,
I personally would have the "Fire! Fire! Fire!" in the first line by itself and start the second line with "The engine..."; that way the exclaimation and the visual each have enough "room" to make an impact.
The Devil's fire sticks is what my father called cigarettes.
Devil doesn't really need to be capitalized, but I think it would create the sense of dread that comes with the image of Satan or whatever you regard as the ultimate evil.
I've learnt that he was right for now my charred lungs
remind me, with cough and wheeze and blood stained spittle.
I only left them for two minutes to catch the post,
I'd written to tell my mother doctor says
Some Suggestions:
-Doctor says
-the doctor says
And Another Thing...
This piece would be an ideal candidate for use of color and different fonts to give an additional visual impact.
Overall:
A strong message and dramatic story. There are a good number of grammatical errors for such a short item, mostly punctuation at the end of sentences. I think this piece has potential. Write on!
Very cute. I can just imagine the "Sentry" scurrying around the house...er ship using its main sensor to make sure everything is O.K.
Best Part
Their sensory apparatus, installed eons past and by now improved upon immensely, could detect the swirling, ethereal beings of fifth dimension when they sometimes chose to haunt third dimensional space. They could mentally adjust time in a sideways manner in order to communicate in linear reverse. This last, simply a method of sending and receiving data using time waves to traverse all dimensions, was something the humans called telepathy. It was the most efficient way to communicate for the Sentry. In third dimension the Sentry's abilities were limited, and communication was more difficult. But it was also in third dimension where Commander was restricted.
This part cracked me up. I'll never look at my "Sentry" the same way again. I would say more but I don't want to spoil the secret.
This is hysterical! I like the termite lore and legend you have created. Do termites have stingers? Do they really burst on contact with insecticide fogger? I haven't a clue.
I didn't see any grammatical or spelling errors.
“Where is Denk?” came a desperate question from my mate.
I've never seen a quote written this way before, but I can't think of what would be grammatically wrong with it. *shrug*
Overall, a cute and sad story that will give me a moment's pause the next time I spray for termites.
A child appears wearing macintosh and galoshes,
Stamps on buildings reflected on the ground,
Editting and Suggestions:
I stare at the bleak, empty street beyond,
Many moments pass then I realize he's gone,
I looked this up in the dictionary and this was the only spelling there; I have seen your spelling used elsewhere, though, so this may not be incorrect.
The street no longer visibleas tears fill my eyes. OR The street no longer visible; tears fill my eyes.
Their faces obscured but obviously in love,
A "face" can't be in love; people can.
Overall:
I enjoy the imagery of the raining day, but why don't you say more about, "Betty"?
Smoke curled and weaved till it reached the top of the low ceiling, where it branched off and encircled downward. The grayish color contrasted with the dimly lighted room, making it appear as ghoulish phantoms that were not welcome.
It was cold, for there was a crack in the glass, and I shivered. In the distance I saw the gray ghosts, warm and pale against the night sky, rising from their long brick pipes. I then figured that this house was the only one cold, the embers not stirred and the pipes dusty with age. The only one great and empty. Unfeeling. It lacked of burning coal, but was abundant in the ashes.
I like this. It sets a very creepy mood.
Edits and Suggestions
"...I expect to be answered when you are spoken to..."
Okay, I usually don't edit quotes, but I don't think a violent thug would speak in passive voice. Maybe, "...when I speak to you," would work better.
I did not answer, but instead made some sort of mangled sound in my throat.
You will obey me, nothing else; I want it to be as if you weren’t even here!
“You will never look at me that way again!
My hands still shook from the episode-I was more caught off guard at my own sudden rash actions than his.
I then figured that this house was the only one cold, the embers not stirred and the pipes dusty with age.
This sounds a bit awkward to me. Maybe, "...the only one left cold..."
Overall
You do very well at setting the scene, and have aroused my curiousity about the story as a whole.
The problem, thought McDougal, is that I have too many young female aides.
Hmmmmm.
She looked at him as if he were stupid. While it irked McDougal, he forced himself to remember that he wasn’t elected because of his IQ. “There’s no chance that the press won’t get wind of it,” said the aide, tossing her head. “The only question is, will they see us act fast to contain the problem or not?”
Boy, this doesn't sound familiar at all.
“Yes, indeed. Get the docs on it right away. We’ve got to find a cure for carpool tunnel syndrome.”
I feel ya!
Grammatical Errors:
None that I can see. OOh...misery.
Overall:
I don't see anything that needs changing.
I think this is very funny and original. I was chuckling from start to finish. Most excellent!
Yep, I can relate to this one too. I'm a clutterbug, not so much in the unsanitary, dishes piled to the ceiling sort of way, but in the "my lease and tax forms reside in a pile that includes all my junk mail for the last month" sort of way.
I laugh but it is a genuine struggle too. I notice a touch of sadness in this as well and rings very true.
No doubt this is a very articulate piece with a lot of passion behind it, but your base idea,
...a debate between my soul and my body. My soul says,“Celebrate Death and Mourn Birth” and my body says, “God is the Ultimate Terrorist in the Universe”., never really sinks in.
At first glance, I don't really see a "debate", but rather two statements that support one another so presenting this as a debate is already difficult. If being alive is a tragedy then birth could be considered an act of terrorism by God, yes?
The definition of terrorism as it relates to both God and Man should be presented earlier to give the reader a "step up" to your plane of thinking. Alternatively, you could adjust the first statement to something like, "Death is an act of love by God". That way you have a more straight forward arguement that starts with "Death is good; Death is bad" and builds its way up to "Ignorance is punishment; Ingorance is bliss" and so on.
Some Specific Suggestions:
Especially the recent Kumbakonam* incident, where 90 kids of 3-5 years old died (rather fried) due to a fire accident in the school building disturbed me a lot.}/i}
This insertion really isn't necessary and might be considered by some to be in poor taste. "Offensive" statements distract from your arguement; a subdued, objective kind of approach would be more effective since these events have plenty of shock value on their own.
"I can’t laugh and celebrate the death before 90 deep fried flesh of Kids died in a fire accident in Kumbakonam."
See last statement...
Some Typos:
"When Adam and Eve..."
I hope this helps. I'll happily re-review this any time.
"When I ask her the name of her children, she sometimes cannot tell me, but she never suffers one of her crying episodes on a day one of them comes to visit."
"Alzheimer’s and dementia can make big children out of grown ups. Imagine for a moment that your loved one at BUSINESS is a kid at summer camp, and think back to when you were a child away at camp for the summer. Do you remember visiting day – the day when parents would come and have lunch or dinner with their children? It could be awkward for sure, but didn’t you feel a little bit sorry for the kids whose parents never came for a visit?
I think you've presented a unique perspective on an issue that does not get nearly enough attention. The "Summer Camp" illustration really tugged at my heart strings and drove the point home.
NB: I gave a 4.0 because I suspect you are still adding to this; I'll happily re-review it at any time.
"But who dares to philosophize
When apathy is the rule.
“Don’t get involved,”
Versus
"Don't give a damn,"
Is the ultimate duel."
Overall, I think you make some good points, and this poem has a lot of great "parts". Try as I might though, I could not read it in its entirety without stumbling. Maybe the exclamations and deep questions should be separated out to allow the reader to pause and ponder, if only for a second because they'll want to regardless of whether you allow it or not.
This almost seems like two poems in one, one that rhymes and one that does not. I have a couple of poems like this too, but can be a little jarring for the reader especially for contemplative pieces like this one. Rhyme has a way of speeding things up because it kind rolls effortless off the tongue (brain ), so to switch from non-rhyming to rhyming rushes the reader through the conclusion of your poem.
Overall, I do like the message. Our legacy as a person is so much more important than our legacy as a hero.
This piece was so prolific that I just took what I thought to be the defining quotes for my review, and organized them for anyone who wants to read it.
Universal Wisdom:
Often times many of our happiest and most contented memories are rooted in the most simple and inane moments.
Hurtful words can often inflict more pain than a punch. Still,many people who use language to hurt never apologize or make any attempt to take back these words.
The process of becoming "adult" for many is a long one,
It has only been recently as my life has taken the path of discontentment that I have come to realize the healing nature of words, specifically the ones that are written from the heart.
The one thing I've come to know through much heartache and pain is that there is no greater comfort than that of emotional comfort, that unspoken contentment within yourself-- for yourself.
Comforting Wisdom for Divorcees:
"once you accept that this is not the image you had for your life and move on to create a healthy healing environment for yourself and child, life begins anew".
That said I also am of the mind that my marriage not lasting was not a failure, it's a promise unfulfilled, it was a dream broken, but it will not be categorized in my mind as a failure.
I also recognize that I am a much wiser and more sensitive person for having survived a divorce and it's effects on my child and me.
Still in all the confusion and heartache there are certain things I would never change, and our time together can never be diminished by the outcome.
Things I can relate to as a child of divorce:
My father had taken to drinking in the bar after work and often times I was left to prepare the meal and keep an eye on my younger brother. This was such a role reversal, something that really changed me; I knew I was not just a kid anymore. In retrospect, I can see now how much this depressed me as a teen-ager, and how all I really wanted was my family to be made whole again.
Okay, so my Dad didn't drink, but he was terribly depressed and non-responsive.
Typos:
This Sophia is what we all strive for, to be at peace, to be happy, and to give and receive love.
Our unwillingness to go with my mom was both because of a loyalty we felt for our father, as well as a condemnation of the whole process which was causing us this pain.
--Alfred Lord Tennysonpe (?)
Overall:
This was a beautifully written piece. I liked the first part best because of its universal applications. The 2nd and 3rd parts are more specific to your family, which is helpful as well.
I also enjoyed the insertions of recipes (especially the pancakes ) and well-chosen quotes.
I'm a little bashful about the whole "emails to other sites" thing. Besides, I'm happy here and have had some really disappointing experiences in the past (ahem...Poetry.com).
I think group involvement in general on this site is good for exposure, even if their express purpose isn't promotion of other writers. Public reviewing is another great way to gain exposure, not only for the author being reviewed but for you as the reviewer as well.
Man can I relate to this! I feel so lonely sometimes in my singleton life but those times do pass. Independence is a highly underrated gift. You're your message universal and your language is simple enough for everyone to understand.
My Favorite Parts:
I have too much to lose
by making bad decisions.
What you think you're offering,
Isn't what you have to give.
Besides, I don't know what I want,
Except a chance to live.
This is great idea! I loved the original, but it is a bit outdated now. "Paparazzi" is spelled wrong, btw. You've managed to keep the rhyme and rhythm true to the original, which I'm sure was hard.
It's a little we sad think of the "stain on the blue dress" as a historical event. What is the world coming to?!
Cheers,
Artemismad
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This is hysterical! I like the termite lore and legend you have created. Do termites have stingers? Do they really burst on contact with insecticide fogger? I haven't a clue.
), so to switch from non-rhyming to rhyming rushes the reader through the conclusion of your poem.