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3 Public Reviews Given
3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Benarneon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Sarah

This is a nice build up to the story. I can feel the deep hurt and anger of Athenais. The dialogue is good, feels natural and you manage to capture the different personalities in their speech. I like the way the dialogue although taking up most of the chapter is not making me want some more narrative. You've painted the emotions well and it makes this chapter move along quite fast which makes for a good hook.

I don't know if this is because of uploading but the structure is a bit much. I am sure judging by the quality of your work that you do have this in paragraphs. I'm sure you'd agree as it shows on this page I am praying for a break a gap in essence a paragraph.

Thus far a great story
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Review of Sakura  
Review by Benarneon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi
I am not really a poet so to review this poem might be a little unfair. I understand that you are reflecting on the wonder of a drop of water brings about the flower. It is an amazing set of events.

Now I rate you based on the following:
absoarbs should be absorb
I climbed over bits... should be it climbed
Then it reached, could do away with the then
pretty little, could be only little or pretty, a bud in itself denotes infancy, so it is small, you could find a better way to explain the wonder you have for this bud.
Bye the hour, should be by
a amazing flower should be an amazing flower.

You could look at using comma's to pause the flow of this poem. For instance all the water, trespassing. Otherwise, all the water is trespassing, would work better.

Try more descriptive words than amazing. Paint a clearer image of an amazing flower, for instance bright red flower. It leaves the reader with an image.

Good idea, just work it a bit.
Benarneon
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