What a story! That was very good indeed. I love how you blend your dialogue with what the people are thinking. You do it very well showing your talent as a writer. I know this needs work and I spotted several things you shouldn't have done. For example: you use a (?!) together which isn't correct. You have to choose one or the other...lol. If you want to add that the question is 'exclaimed' then you'll have to use a verb to show it (Jamie yelled) or something like that. And you have way too many story breaks. You need to get rid of more than half of them. You'll have to learn how to transition one section into another. Sometimes it's impossible and you need a story break, but only use it as a last resort because you don't want people to think you're an amature.
Overall, the way you created your character, her thoughts and fears, was exceptional. I think a few more rewrites and tightening and you've got yourself a winner here. Let me know when your done, I'd love to read it again,
W.D.
There are many things that hide in the shadows of a dark bedroom. Most can be easily explained away as a lump of clothing, a sweater hanging on the door, etc. But nothing compares to what could be hiding under the bed. The proverbial monster in the closet has gotten closer and now resides clevering beneath the mistaken island of safety called your bed. If you listen closely, you can hear its heavy breathing, or feel a light thump shiver the bed frame. The ultimate horror is to hang your head upsidedown over the edge of the bed and try to peer underneath. The thought is enough to make your bowels quiver. What's really under there? Your face grimaces with a jolt of visceral horror and revulsion. Happy Halloween,
W.D.
Hey, no fair! What happens next? You have an excellent style. It is plain to see you are not new at this writing thing.
I will add you to my favorites and see what else you come up with. There are many things to do here and explore, if you need help just drop me a line and I will explain as best I can.
Until then, it's been a pleasure to meet you Ms.Waye, a very pleasant pleasure,
W.D.
This reads like Lovecraft--I love the style. A very good read considering its shortness. You are very talented. My suggestion, because I've heard it a 100 times in my own work, is to not use cliche lines like,
"skin as fair as freshly driven snow". I'm sure a writer of your caliber can come up with a better description without having to use an old Snow White reference...lol. A great write. I have added you to my favs and will return.
Best of luck,
W.D.
Very interesting idea. But you have to stretch yourself. You have devised a way for a child to escape reality--to experience something fantastic. Now you must stretch out the story . . . what kinds of learning adventures could this child have while in a coma? Build the suspense with the experiences she needs to learn before she will be able to return to her mother in the real world. Kind of an Alice in Wonderland story but different. The whole idea is to make your characters grow by what they experience until they defeat the one thing that is ultimately holding them back. You can do this. Your writing is strong--just take your time--read other authors and learn how they approach similar situations. It's all like a formula that you have to prove to be equal to the task before you. Good luck and Write On!
W.D.
This has much promise. Perhaps you could place the monster in say, Loc Ness, and the boy he saved could become the only person who truly understands the creature, and its lonliness. You must remember, that stories are always about the characters. How they react to the different sticky situations we as writers put them through. Your story here is a wonderful outline to a fantastic journey waiting to take place. You gave a little insight to the creatures thoughts, but who is the child? And how does this experience affect him? I tell you, Elana, this has great potential,
W.D.
Hey, bud(Eddie?),
This was pretty cool. What really got my attention was your mention of Theodore Sturgeon. I got everything he ever wrote. Not too many people know about him anymore .
Anyhoot, it's good to meet ya. I just joined the Horror Group you belong too. o hope we cross paths again,
W.D.
I think you have got a twisted mind...I like that. Your descriptions are outstanding but at times border at being just a bit too much. Stick to the meat of your story--that's where the fun for the reader lies. This paragraph for example:
"A whining, high frequency tone crept into his head as he tried to put his thoughts together. A man without a cause is like a cowboy without a horse. Random thoughts attacked the cogent ones that tried to form, while the single dog whistle note held out in the background of his head, making sorting out his next move a mad scramble."
The cowboy thing kinda takes away from the mood you are setting. But you know what? Who cares? This is good writing--no mistake about it.
Hey, Wisdom,
This is an excellent poem. Very dark of course, but that's what we live in--what bombards us everyday in the media. I saw a couple of typos:
across the horrizon [horizon]
My heart and soul is free from your pain [are free]
Write On,
W.D.
Hat of Blue,
I liked your story very much and I want to thank you for entering the Dialogue 500. I thought your dialogue was well written and could see no errors. I could picture the little boy in my mind and the frustration of the bank-teller. Great job and please enter again,
W.D.
This was just a fabulous tale. I loved it. I've made the necessary corrections. If you compare it to what you had before, you will see the changes,
W.D.
The waves that swept the coast during the storm of 1876 were higher than anyone in the village could remember. The hurricane raged and battered the shoreline for days. Everyone up and down the coast raced the storm to reach higher ground. By the time the storm wore itself out, all the fishing villages in its path were flooded and wind tussled. It took several days for the people to move back into their homes.
Jeb returned ahead of his wife Effie, so that he could have the cottage ready for her. Effie was expecting their first baby any day, and she wanted to have her child in her own home. She had wanted to stay home and try to weather-out the storm instead of leaving, but when Jeb had insisted that they leave, she finally gave in, although she was furious and would have not moved from her chair except that Jeb told her that he would carry her out of the house over his back if she insisted on trying to stay.
Jeb fought through the debris on the beach to finally reach their cottage. The door was open, and water had washed through the room. Anything that had not been nailed down was gone.
Jeb worked all night to get the cottage ready. By the time the sun was making its way over the waves to kiss the shore, their home was livable once again. Jeb walked down to the water and started cleaning the beach. As he moved wood and sea grass into piles Jeb kept a look out for anything that was of value that may have washed up onto his beach.
He found some fish in a washed out hole. They had been stranded and Jeb marked the pool with a makeshift flag. He put a board over the hole pleased that he and Effie could have fresh fish for several days.
Returning to the job of clearing the beach, Jeb worked until hunger started to remind him that it was time for dinner. Just as he started for home he noticed something under a tree at the top of the beach.
Jeb chose a route back to the cottage past the thing under the tree. As he walked closer, he realized what he had found. There in the shade of the scrubby tree was a baby's cradle. Jeb was so overjoyed with his find, he forgot about being hungry. Gently, he carried the cradle to the cottage and set about cleaning it.
The more he cleaned the more he could read the details on the cradle. The carvings showed that it came from the ship called ‘The Cora Rhea’ out of Boston. Besides the name of the ship, and her home port, the cradle had been made for the captain’s child. Jeb had lived around the sea long enough to know that when the sea gives you a gift, you are happy to use it.
By the time Effie finally made it home Jeb had the cradle in the corner by the bed. Jeb proudly showed Effie the cottage that just a few days before had been totally washed-out. She was overjoyed to find the cradle ready for their child.
Effie went into labor two days later. She soon gave birth to a healthy boy that Jeb named, Frank. After Effie and Frank were cleaned and ready to rest, Jeb put Frank in the cradle. The cottage grew quiet. Jeb dozed on the bed between his wife and son.
Dawn was just pinking the sky line, when Jeb heard the creaking of the cradle, and the whispery hum of a lullaby. Jeb smiled without opening his eyes. Thinking that Effie was taking care of the baby, he rolled over toward her side of the bed so that she could get back into bed on the side nearest to Frank. Jeb’s arm touched Effie’s body. He sat straight up in bed and gaped at the cradle that was gently rocking his son.
Jeb jumped from the bed as fast as he could. He lifted his son into his arms. Effie awoke when Jeb returned to the bed. They sat for long moments watching the cradle sway in time to the lullaby. Effie fed Frank as Jeb carried the cradle to the other side of the cottage. Jeb and Effie decided that even though it was a gift from the sea, they didn’t want their baby boy sleeping in a haunted cradle.
While Jeb burned it outside with the rest of the beach debris, he heard the sound of a baby crying. The crying didn’t end until the last embers lost their glow.
This was simply hilarious. I have to admit I got a big chuckle out of it. Billy was a determined character when it came to getting milk...lol. There was another story I liked a lot, and I can't decide which is better, so I will award you both. CONGRATS!
W.D.
Ho-ho...A nice little drama you have playing out here. You always find a good twist for your endings, I like that. Overall, it was clever little story. But it could use some trimming. For example, your opening paragraph (remember this is where you suck your in)
"Ash Hunt pulled his jacket in close to his neck and shivered as the wind picked up and chilled him to the bone.9this is a great opening. sounds like a detective novel...lol] It was a cold night, colder than usual.[here you are staing the obvious. you already told us it was a cold night very eloquently. do you think your readers are stupid?] He had grown accustom to cold nights,[and again] but tonight seemed to be the worse he’d felt in years.[OK] Well, almost the worst.[so, you're a liar?] Ash looked up and saw the intersection in front of him. He pressed the button for the walk sign and waited patiently."
You've probably forgotten this piece--gave up on it long ago, but it's good to go back through your earlier writings. It sharpens your editorial skills, and you can see how far you've progressed as a writer.
Always your friend,
W.D.
This is just a great write. I simply loved the ending--very creative! Congtrats on winning 1st place in the Stake & Garlic. I will feature this little tale in the next Horror/Scary Newsletter. Hopefully you will glean some more reviews out of it. Congrats,
W.D.
Weed,
I thought this was fantastically creative and filled with dark horror. I will feature it in the next Horror/Scary Newsletter. Hopefully you will get some well deserved reviews. Besides, you must pay your penance.... Congrats to you on well-written terror,
W.D.
I thought you did rather well here. You have a natural feel for dialogue that is easy on the eyes. I enjoyed this little conversation. But it was unbelievable. I can't see a kid, with the vocabulary your giving him, say something like, "What’s dead?” Kids know. Also you made the boys seem cold-hearted in their total lack of respect at a funeral. Although I have to admit, "Corey Nary." was a great line.
Psimsp,
Hey, this was pretty good dialogue. Parts were very natural and smooth while other parts seemed a bit strained and unnatural. If you sit back and read it outloud, you will see what I'm talking about. Aside from that, you didn't read the prompt correctly. The conversation is suppose to be with kids. Of course I could say that we are all Children of God and then that would make your story eligible, but that's stretching the rules just a bit...LOL. Thanks for entering and come back next week,
W.D.
Becca,
I really enjoyed this high action adventure you wrote about the two little girls. I'd like to feature it in the next issue of the Action/Adventure Newsletter. Maybe then it will get the exposure it deserves and you will feel like finishing the story. Congrats to you,
W.D.
Near perfect! I love this. Your talent shines here, your questions and observations are universal and poignant. Keep writing. There is a difference in people who want to be a writer and the people that HAVE to write to stay sane. Read. Write. Then do it again. Best of luck to you and keep in touch,
W.D.
Much better. I loved the last line. You still need help with your spelling...lol. I get the impression you just write off the cuff and really don't think these things all the way through. If you want to be noticed as a poet/writer, you've got to knock people out of their seats. You've got to catch them like a fish right from the beginning and then slowly reel them in.
Prophet,
Your spelling is terrible...lol. But aside from that, you show talent. Your questions are universal, your technique...unruly. May I suggest choosing your best lines and putting the whole thing into a poetry type format; correct your spelling; and if your serious about writing, give your reader something concrete to read. Readers are finicky animals, but without them, you're just spewing into the wind.
I hope that helps.
W.D.
I gotta give you a five just because of your imagination. That was a really different take on the prompt...lol. Thanks for coming back and linking it properly into the forum I appreciate that too. And best of luck to you,
W.D.
LJB,
I really liked this story. And your format made it fun and easy to read. Sometimes doing that little extra is what will win in a close race...lol.
What I didn't like was your use of the jackass line. The fight scene was going along perfectly without it. You could have said, Aarrhh! or something like that. I know kids can have a foul mouth, but here is a story about kids--maybe kids would want to read it--my kids, or yours, understand?
Overall, I darn good story. I'll announce the winner this weekend.
W.D.
Spence, This was really good. Your dialogue was almost perfect. Your kidspeak was right on the mark without using foul language. I like that. It doesn't do any good to write a kid's story that kids can't read...lol. Your storyline was superb. It had me grinning all the way through. I'd recommend this story to everyone.
Thanks for entering my contest. Winner will be announced SAT. or SUN.
W.D.
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You have an excellent style. It is plain to see you are not new at this writing thing
. 
,
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This was really good. Your dialogue was almost perfect. Your kidspeak was right on the mark without using foul language. I like that. It doesn't do any good to write a kid's story that kids can't read...lol. Your storyline was superb. It had me grinning all the way through. I'd recommend this story to everyone.