Please accept these comments as those of an absolute amateur and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.
INITIAL IMPRESSION:
I very much liked the idea of the story, the general surrounding but the characters felt in places too flat. I like the way you create the tension right away.
BEGINNING:
What I like:
I like the way you present his state of mind, the fuzziness before the faint, very well through the language and the disassociated images you create.
Suggestions:
Make me feel him more, let me feel the person he is already in the first few sentences.
EMOTIONAL DRAW:
What I like:
I like her and she draws me in. You get her emotions right.
Suggestions:
You might want to consider to add some more sensations (colour, scent, touch) to strengthen the impression of actually being there. You have got the facial expression, but little of what surrounds them or what emotions they engender
STRUCTURE:
What I like:
The structure is straightforward, possibly a bit too straightforward. In some places it feels almost too predictable
LANGUAGE:
Style:
You waver between a very lyrical style and a more simple one. In-between that distinction feels a bit jarring
TENSION:
What I like:
I like how you build the tension right away, in the first sentence.
Suggestions:
The tension peaks very early on and then falls flat, almost. Possibly you could draw it out a bit more.
CHARACTERS:
What I like:
I like the grumpiness and anger of the witch. The ways he is portrayed as a spoiled child almost
Suggestions:
She is very unlovable, but he still falls for her. You might want to consider giving her a deeper dimension
END:
What I like:
I hate the ending, I think it lets the story down. It is too mundane and whilst your style is very lyrical at other places it somehow descends into the commonplace.
Suggestions:
Can you add one, really powerful sentence, to draw it out of the mundane?
GENERAL COMMENTS:
I liked reading the story, liked the tension in the beginning and the idea behind it. I think there are some rough edges that could be, in my personal opinion, evened out, but I would love to see where you take it.
IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE STORY OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.
The first sentence is strong and draws me in right away
What I like:
I like the person you created, the tension you throw in right away
Suggestions:
I want to know more, I want to actually meet the man on the page - I want you to draw him for me.
STRUCTURE:
What I like:
I like the brevity, though I think it could be a little longer, like the punch it has
Suggestions:
... but I think it could be stronger, could be more emotionally affecting
LANGUAGE:
Style:
I like the way you play with the letter f in the beginning. More generally, I like the style. The only thing that I think might aid with the emotional strength might be if you could add more description.
TENSION:
What I like:
There is definite tension there
Suggestions:
I think the tension is possibly introduced too fast, too quickly
CHARACTERS:
What I like:
He is mysterious and fascinating
Suggestions:
He does not have the space to develop - nor do his victims. What happens to them? Do they lose anything? Are there really victims?
END:
What I like:
I like the last sentence
GENERAL COMMENTS:
As I said - I love the idea of the story, I very much like the idea of the character, but there is so much more space for tension, emotionally drawing in the reader and description - without losing the brevity.
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