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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cheshiretinman
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28 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Estranged Family  
Review by Tinman
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Dannie,

This is a short piece and it is an interesting scene. However, as a challenge, I think it could be even shorter. What you've written is well, but it's not a full story. It's just a scene. So, as a true scene, cut out anything superflous or unneccesary. I do think you've got talent, I can't write a scene to save my life.So keep up the good work and keep writing.
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Review of Shaman's Trance  
Review by Tinman
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nicely done.
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3
Review of Redux - chapter 1  
Review by Tinman
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Lot of build up here, nice narrative, and the only problems I found can easily be spotted by a beta reader or a very mean, heartless second draft from yourself lol. (I have a problem with redrafting my own stuff, because I know how it's supposed to sound in my head, so I just gloss over my errors.)

Firstly, there are several things that come to attention but these are nit-picking things, and please don't take them personal if my suggestions offend your style; this is just how I see thing.

'And they would be back on solid ground in less than three days anyway.' "And" doesn't start this sentence well. By old grammatical standards, it's improper, and while I often ignore these rules, the "And" just doesn't work here.

'And Arreton lake.' The "And" works here, but the lake should be capitalized: Arreton Lake

'The small area had withstood time and despite the fact that it was quiet and almost deserted at the best of times, it was one of the few places she could keep to herself.' This sentence is a bit confusing. '..despite the face it was...almost deserted, it was one of the few places she could keep to herself.' It's easier to keep to yourself when no one's around. I'd rethink the contrast/comparison here.

'... push Rhodes’ words of chiding out of my head.' Should have said HER head.

Like I said, a revision of this with a fresh set of eyes (hopefully still in their owners head) would catch these kinds of things. I think it is a good start, but the place where you left off (her going into the gym to run laps) didn't leave me with a sense of conflict to make me want to delve into the next chapter. The engineer in the kitchen and the mention of his odd humming and talking to the engine, now that was cool. Best of luck on this, I hope my review was helpful in some way. Take it easy.

Tinman
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Review of One by One  
Review by Tinman
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nicely done. However, I wonder, is there more? This could definitely be made to stretch on longer. Not that it needs to, just my thoughts. :) Good job
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Review by Tinman
Rated: E | (3.0)
Children's stories aren't my forte, but I'll try to be helpful. I'm not sure if this is meant to be an illustrated book or not, but I would definitely consider it too long to be a heavily illustrated book, but it may fit well with other ones that have sparser pictures. I have a feeling this story isn't to far from someone's truth, so I wouldn't recommend removing any of your characters, but you may want to develop Mom, Grandpa, and Isabelle just a bit more. Not a necessity but something that may help. Grammatically I found a few things; a second set of eyes (a third set even) helps find some things.

The third paragraph down, I believe 'sipped' should be 'slipped'.

5th paragraph down, when Mom is explaining to Lilly that Zip 'was going to be her grandpa’s cart pony it was not for her.' There may need to be a semicolon there, or else a new sentence started.

6th paragraph, third sentence, there needs to be a comma between 'off' and 'mom'.

Best of luck to you. I hope my comments helped and that you are able to make this story into the tale you want it to be.
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Review of Than Bauk Poem  
Review by Tinman
Rated: E | (4.5)
My only question: is the semicolon correct?
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7
Review of Its Back...  
Review by Tinman
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I like the idea here. I would really recommend alot of editing for this one. Maybe better sentence spacing, possibly using a seperate word processor program and then transferring it over here. The story has good potential. Read more, write even more than you read, edit all that you can, best of luck and write on!
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Review by Tinman
Rated: E | (4.5)
Gah! Not enough! Write more lol!
What an excellent blend of fantasy and sci-fi. I've enjoyed the story thus far and look forward to seeing more in the future.
I always try to give one piece of criticism that's professional and that would be this: edit. Trim down some more. I've noticed that when I edit, I end up padding almost as much as I trim away, but always to the stories benefit.
Once again, what a nice blend, very enjoyable. Keep up the good work.
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Review of The Walkers  
Review by Tinman
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What an awesome scenario! I love the "zombie origins" scenario. Also, Jackson's personality really, really shines through. Very good body language and facial expressions with him. Kail, in my opinion, could actually be the narrator and tell the tale herself, but that's just my opinion, nothing I'd actually say needed to really change.
One word choice I'd recommend you look at is "effected." I actually looked it up, because if just seemed off, and here's what I found:
"Effected means executed, produced, or brought about. For example, The dictatorial regime quickly effected changes to the constitution that restricted the freedom of the people. On the other hand, affected means impacted. It is the past tense of the verb form of affect means to impact. For example, Carbon dioxide emissions affected the environment. "
I can send you the link if you like.
Otherwise, this was an incredible story and I'd like to see it keep progressing. Good luck.
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Review of insert title here  
Review by Tinman
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I'm not really a fan of rape stories, so I'll just stick to grammatical items.
"If you make.....I'll slice your throat1"....should be a "!" instead of a "1".
When she thinks to herself that her attackers name is Jason, you may want to italicize that instead of putting it in quotes. Just a style thing I think, but worth considering.
When Jason talks to her about using his toy on her, you misspelled "raped" as "rapped".
That's all I got. Good luck.
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