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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chibithulu
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47 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Here's my second review for your raffle prize! The third one will come soon!

Okay, this story leaves me with a few questions that could be answered by another chapter, but there’s probably not going to be one, so I’ll go off what I have. First of all, if the cat/woman knows that she is the familiar of the man, why doesn’t she go into human form immediately and welcome him in even without seeing the trinket? Why does she keep him waiting at all?

I’m so interested by the ending of the story. There are so many places that this story could go. He understands his family line now, and he has his memory back. The cat has clearly been waiting for this moment for a long time. I have so many questions again, but I’ll leave it there. It’s a well-written story, one that stays with you. There’s plenty of intrigue about the woman, and it’s not immediately obvious that she’s the cat. She must be very powerful to render that kind of awe in him, especially when she makes him drink that disgusting tea.

“Still meek, enthralled by her charms, and the first tea, I passed the bag holding them to her, I drank the bitter brew, pouring the next cup myself.”
This is a definite run-on sentence that needs to be corrected.

“So, I drank, as she opened an ornate metal box, strangely, it was decorated with designs…”
This is another run-on sentence. You probably need to hold back on the commas. They’re allowing you to keep writing with a pause, but not the pause you need.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Here is my first review for your First Package prize winnings!

This tale could definitely use a second chapter! The cleverness behind the tale leaves the reader wanting more, and an explanation for what is talking to Gigi and how she is getting more advanced as the story goes on. How did she avoid taking pictures that Emily was going to delete later when Emily was obviously in charge of taking the pictures anyway? I suppose there’s room for suspense in the story, but it really lays the groundwork for more, which this story doesn’t promise.
That’s not to say this story isn’t delightful in its telling. I love how protective and clingy Gigi is, as if she’s almost a real person. She obviously takes great care and knows how to please Emily, and knows her limitations. Emily is protective of Gigi as well, and loves her just like she would anybody else.
“there were no auto-cams for Emily's kids, other technology had replaced the Gg series.” I think “another” would have been the right word instead of “other” because it specifies the type of technology.
“Being startled was startling, scary and weirdly upsetting, experiencing anything was terrifying.” I believe there should be a semicolon between upsetting and experiencing.
‘"It's broad daylight," he laughed off her concerns, "we'll be fine."’ There should be a period between “Daylight” and “He” because it is a complete sentence, and you can’t laugh a word.
"Greg no," watching in horror as the knife lashed out, hearing the sound of rending cloth.
“Greg, no!” she screamed, watching… might be a better way to go with this.
These are little, nitpicky things, but they might help your language out a bit. Anyway, it’s all my opinion. Please take it with a grain of salt.
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Review of Plant People  
Rated: E | (5.0)
What an adorable poem! The rhyming scheme isn't annoying, which is a big thing for me. The lines are long enough that you barely notice. Also, this is a cute little story about a bean plant. It's a simple story, but one that sticks with you. And I think that you ended at just the right time as well. Good job!
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Rated: E | (4.5)
A charming piece that shows it's everyone's job to take care of a baby. A father is still a father and should not feel pressed upon to do what is right. Good job.
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Review of Damned  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Loved it. It was clever, funny, and a little scary. I suppose it could have done with a bit more doom and gloom, but what are you going to do in 500 words or less?
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Review of Sacred Ground  
Rated: E | (5.0)
The imagery here is beautiful. I particularly like the lines: It is you who should lay in sheets of gold and lavender./It is you who is made from love, devotion and desire. It shows pure admiration for the subject of the poem. Also, the rhyming scheme is spot on. Usually, the repetition of two by two would annoy me, but the lines are long enough that it breaks up the repetition. Thank you for your poem.
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Review of The Bob  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a great story! It's filled with humor, and that makes you want to read more. I also love the concept that the stars are just sort of puzzle pieces that need to be moved around so that space works the way it's supposed to. It's a little beyond the suspension of disbelief, but because it's a comedy, it works. Keep up the good work!
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Rated: E | (4.5)
There is some repetition here on the fifth question: Please write what you would like what you would like to be said about you in the announcement of your membership. *This is not required. *This will be directly quoted.
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Review of The Golden Pool  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a gripping tale with plenty of emotion and adventure. I loved the way Hollana fought the other contenders with her powers, and enjoyed the emotion she displayed toward the old man. However, there were a lot of metaphors, and they started to become more noticeable with time. It was especially noticeable during the fight. I think if you added more action and less plays on words, you could have a seriously good story on your hands.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like the fun atmosphere of your story. Silverbolt seems to be enjoying himself, and it's funny to watch Constance hide from embarrassment. However, I think you could do with some formatting, like bolding the words of where they are so that people aren't confused by the transition in scene.
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Review of She Keeps Us Here  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I was absolutely petrified the whole way through. I couldn't turn away from the words. They kept me captivated, and I loved the ending. The only problem I found was that the pacing changed once she woke up, picking up speed to get to the end of the story. I'm glad you've joined WDC! Keep on writing!
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Rated: E | (4.0)
You misspelled obsolete in your title. But other than that this is a solid poem. I've had dreams about driving from the backseat, and it definitely feels uncontrolled and unstable. You captured a solid mood.
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Review of Spiral  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I'm completely blown away by the emotion in this song. It's incredible, and I can sort of hear it in my head despite not being entirely familiar with the music genres you picked. "I can't stand that I can't hug you" keeps hitting me in the gut. So good job!
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I did not get into the rhythm of the song, but I read quickly. Otherwise, I'm intrigued by the story and want to know what happens next. It was an intense story, and I liked it a lot.
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Review of The Why's  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This tells a beautiful and tragic story so simply, and I love it. It's quiet until the end, showing the composure of the writer. I'm not sure what the top two lines are supposed to mean for the rest of the poem, or if it was just the writer talking to the audience, but I enjoyed it all the same. You have serious talent.
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for entry "Teach Me!
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow, I want to go to that class! Beautiful poetry and excellent visualization!
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Informative and interesting! It's had quite a history. I think I've had the birthday cake Oreo and the pumpkin spice Oreo. Good job on finding out all those facts. It's a weird percentage of cookie versus creme.
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Review of Mr. Hyde's Awake  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like the passion that you've brought to this poem. I can almost see the monster rising from within. I especially like the line, "and rid my id of its ego." It's clever.
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Review of A love story  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This haiku tells a definite, intriguing story. I want more details, but I can tell just from what you've put here what the story is.
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Review of Triggers  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Very suspenseful and heartbreaking. The past comes in at just the right moments, in between the gripping tale of running away. The grammar appears to be correct. Good job, and welcome to the WDC family. I think you'll fit in well here.
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Review of Riding the Blimp  
for entry "The Great White Whale
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I totally get the white whale problem. It sounds like yours got a lot farther than mine, but I understand. I've been working on a story for years now, and I can't get past the first chapter! I keep rewriting it and adding things to my notes that make no sense to the story. And now even though I hate the story I keep chasing it just so I can say I did it. What a horrible predicament to be in!

It does sound like you have to negotiate with the twist in your story. Maybe it doesn't make sense to the character, or the ending. Giving in doesn't mean giving up, and maybe you'll come up with an even better twist!
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Rated: E | (4.5)
It's obvious you put a lot of time and effort into this, as well as research. Kali comes alive in your poetry. The form of the poem is interesting and keeps the reader on their toes.
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Review of Intelligence Fail  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a fun and cool concept for a poem! I loved the story; it kept me entangled. It was clever, haunting, and a little bit funny. Great job!
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Review of Give Me a Reason  
Rated: E | (5.0)
That was a beautiful poem to unrequited love. You expressed the feelings of the other person being perfect (as a person who just fell in love would), while simultaneously showing the crushed person's hopelessness. I hope I'm making sense. You did a great job.
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ooh, how delicious! I loved the brazen violence and the agency that the slave had. She and her master are not people to contend with in any way. I thought she was going to be a pathetic slave, incapable of saving herself, but it just wasn't true. I think you have a great story going on here.
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