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41 Public Reviews Given
208 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Name sig  
Review by chip
Rated: E | (4.0)
Lost Ghost:

Great sig image. Everyone needs a cheer up break, and this is one of them.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

The image may not have been sent!!! Dumb me. I need more lessons.
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Review by chip
Rated: E | (3.5)
Monty:

How have your fears been going. Have you overcome them by now? If they still bother you, check out how the teacher locked us out of the classroom. You with no sin cast the first stone. I don't see anyone casting a stone at you, my man.
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Review by chip
Rated: E | (4.0)
Constantin Stanislavski, as you know so well, is a great teacher of WND. Nice to see it being used for writers other than play writes.


Chip
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Review of Hidden Things  
Review by chip
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)



Hi ! After reading ID: 1097543 (Rated: 18+)
Hidden Things
Two chapters of novel (draft). Horror/supernatural contemporary set in England.
by AngelEyes (26)
, I offer you these comments:

My name is Charlie and I saw your story on The Review Request Page.

Personal Impression/Opinion

On the initial reading of the 1st chapter of Hidden Things, my impression was, Wow! This person can write. I got into the writing and stayed, enjoyed, and learned.

Effectiveness of tone

Having the overall tone being that of a family going on an outing with all the innuendos of family relationships and even with a dog was expertly created.

a. For instance: Caleb strove to show all these things in his drawings but it was hard. [A member's hobby, typical of a family happening.]

b. "Hey Dumbo love, bet you could put down a nice barbe eh love. Nice juicy steak. Or two or three!" Karl chuckled his own joke. [This uncharitable line, though it must have hurt Hope, is another example of family relationships.]

c. "Take her round the back of the house Charlie. It's probably better to keep a bit out of sight seeing as its private property," Karl suggested. Obediently Charlie followed directions. [A clear cut relationship is seen between Charlie and Karl.]

Effectiveness of mood

Having been taught that mood, in part, is what a reader feels as he walks away from the writing, I put the chapter down with a feeling of the great out-doors with an exciting abandoned movie set on moorland.

a. Smells of warm earth and sun-drenched vegetation filled his nostrils, comfortable, familiar scents of summer. [Here one of the scenes of the out-of-doors is seen.]

b. A vista of browns, purples, greens. The deep, wet, grays of granite outcroppings, spotted with white blooms of lichen, clinging to life on the ancient rock as they had done for a million years. [Topsoil was spread thin here and the grass was short and tough. Scattered on the unforgiving ground, fragments of stone, dropped carelessly from God's hand as he was constructing this rugged place. It was a landscape that remembered creation in its every contour. The bones and veins of the Earth were close to the surface here. [Here is reason why I wrote that the mood created a feeling of the great out-of-doors.]


Emotional Reaction

The overall chapter evoked within me a sincere and an exciting interest in what happens next.

Tense and Point of View

The past tense was consistent through-out, and writing in the third person permitted the writer to show the thoughts of the characters. Learning Hope's true orientation to Karl's curtness was seen through her thoughts. This subplot situation was strongly realized.

a. She remembered the times before they married when Karl had respected her, treated her as his equal, and cared about her opinions. Back then he never have ordered her around as he did now. It made her cross, angry inside. She kept all the anger inside and never let Karl know what she felt. it, [This thinking Hope engaged in was what I mean that the third person view point worked.]

Plot Development

The opening paragraph delved into an area of philosophy that Caleb (a sketcher) strove to get into his pictures. This opening awoke my interest, as anyone should realize the story will not be shallow but one with substance. As the story moved along from scene to scene, it developed into a fascinating read with the plot becoming more and more understandable, believable, and enjoyable

Conflict

The most obvious conflict was between Karl and Hope (a sub-plot.) Their marriage was becoming clouded by Karl's excessive curtness and his leaning toward Charlie as a companion rather than toward Hope.

As far as the rising action, in this first chapter, is concerned, it was well thought out and it was developed nicely and worked well.

The climax, in this first chapter, appears to be the discovery that there are two other persons at this remote spot.

Resolution

Being a novel, any more meaningful rising action, conflict and resolution will be seen as the book unfolds.




Characterization

I enjoyed your characters, as the distinct voice of each was consistent and believable. Interest in old movie sets as a motivation worked, and each of your characters revealed some likes and dislikes giving them depth.

Physical appearances were zilch. Hope being fat is the only real description I found, yet their personalities came through with strength.

Dialogue

Couldn't stand Karl's lines calling Hope, Dumbbell, yet I know this was your aim, and it worked.

I was taught that tags should read Charlie said and not said Charlie or Karl said not said Karl.

I liked your dialogue; because it was realistic and natural. It helped with building your characters' images.

Speaking of images, I compliment you highly on your descriptions of the environment, and your use of the sense words was most beautiful. Wow! I could smell, see and even hear your scenes.

My overall impression was one of joy. I enjoyed Hidden Things' 1st and 2nd chapters. Your writing made me feel lucky to have found it. Though I have never been on such an outing, I can relate to it from some fishing trips I've been on with my dad and brother.


My favorite lines:

a) He worked hard at capturing nuances of feeling the darkness just off the centre, the brightness waiting to be set free.

b) They road in silence for a while, except for occasional road directions from Karl.


Technical Considerations

I ran your story through my spell/grammar checker and noted there were many places where the checker saw your writing as being in error. I corrected many in the copy below. You might want to check on this your self.


Many thanks for permitting me to review the first chapter of hidden things. Once again your sense descriptions and those of your environments are out of sight.

chip

Needed to give a 4 due to the spelling and grammar errors.

Keep up your great imaginative and descriptive writing.



© Copyright 2011 chip (UN: chipkath at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
chip has granted Writing.Com, its affiliates and syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.
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Review of Imprisoned  
Review by chip
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Writersblock02:

Just for the record, your imagination is great.

Your sentence:

Sometimes he could make out their words but usually it was too muffled. [A comma is needed befoe, "but."]
-----
This is a compound sentence, and two independent clauses seperated by a conjunction needs a comma before the conjunction.

Remember: FANBOYS -- These are the coordinating conjunctions that need a comma before them if they join two independen clauses: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So
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Review of Saints and Souls  
Review by chip
Rated: E | (3.5)




Saints and Souls


By Daffers




The fine line between the Saints and the Souls was very thin indeed. We had always welcomed the Saints at the Abbey with the Franciscan fathers. We were only allowed to take the sacraments at certain times of the year1 the Lord of the Manor kept us locked out of the Abbey because it was part of his estate, 2 and he was very jealous of the father's time. He paid them well to pray for him, currying favour-no u- with the Bishops and Cardinals away in Winchester.
This morning we had been allowed to go to Matins and Lauds at dawn, 3 and, 4 if we were lucky, 4 we would be allowed into the Abbey to observe Compline.
As the day wore on and no word came from the Abbot,5 I looked to my husband,6 but he would not beg, I knew him too well, he would not go to Lord Fendrel either and put our case before him asking him to intervene with the Abbot. He was a good man my husband, but not one to push himself forward to create disharmony. How was I going to pray for the lost souls of my children, the ones the God of God’s had taken from me when they were so young. I had lost three at birth, a boy and two girls, they7 had gone before a monk or sister could be called to administer the sacrament of baptism. Another I lost to the croup the wee girl was just 8 months, but at least she had survived birth and was baptized.
My darling boys now 8 and 10 were strong and hearty like their sire and would,8in time,8 give me grand-babies, but it was this time between the Saints and Souls that I felt my lost ones close,9 I wanted to be able to go to the Abbey and speak to God, ask him to care for them but more I wanted to beg for the life of the child in my belly, the one that was to come to birth about the time of God’s own son.
There was a knock on the door, 10 and my husband drew it open there framed by the light of the candle lantern he carried was Fr Vincentia he did not speak but beckoned me to follow him.
Ah, such joy I can feel the child moving as I walk towards the Abbey I would be allowed to pray for those lost, those still among us and the one to come. My heart was filled with joy and I prayed to the Mother of us all as I walked. All would be well with this one, I was sure now.

1. Suggestion-insert because as you did here: [out of the Abbey because it was part]
2. A coordinating conjunction [FANBOYS] needs a comma preceding it.
Note: Coordinating conjunctions: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So, all need a comma preceding it, if the conjunction is between two independent clauses, or we create a fused sentence.
3. A comma needs to precede a coordinating conjunction separating two independent clauses.
4. Non essential elements set off with commas.
5. Introductory dependent phrase needs a comma after it and before the independent clause.
6. A comma needs to precede a coordinating conjunction separating two independent clauses.
7. Suggestion use the word who instead of they.
8. Non essential elements set off with commas.
9. Suggestion [felt my lost ones close] would read better as [felt close to my lost ones]
10. A comma needs to precede a coordinating conjunction separating two independent clauses

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"Saints and Souls" offers its readers a somber and concerned tone that goes along with the dominate mood of sweet sorrow. Plotting the desires of souls where authority ignores them, but later permits their desires to happen, maybe came about due to the strength of those desires. Though the religious authorities paid no attention to the souls pleas, creating a conflict [a necessary element to short stories,] I see it as being too weak. If only you could make this conflict more intense, the readers might become more interested. The characterization of the mother was nice. I understood her, but there wasn't any other to learn to know.
The story went along well enough though you didn't use dialogue, but as a newbie, you should experiment with methods of dialogue.
I wish you would have applied your talent to creating an environment, you know, a place where the scenes took place. You might have mentioned how the wife and her husband sat waiting for the word from the Abbot. They sat on plain wooden chairs at a plain wooden table with a few glasses of water along with a half filled pitcher.
It makes for a good story if the writer includes sense words as you did here:
Sound: knock at the door.
Physical feeling: feeling the baby within.
Sight: the light of the candle.
The only suggestion I might close with is stating my favorite part. The love of the mother for her children was the best part, so I think you would be able to write more on this maternal love.
Remember, I am a new student of reviewing and could have made more comments, but these should help a bit.
Thank you for letting me review your work.

Keep writing.
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Review by chip
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Being green is a real handicap, but this letter on getting viewed pulls me ahead a step or two; thank you.

I will be putting some of this advice to work right away.
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Review of The Cottage Door  
Review by chip
Rated: E | (5.0)
What wonderful images you have acquired by the use of details used in your descriptions. An inviting cottage; really nice. Too bad there aren't more places as your cottage.
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