Hi ! After reading ID: 1097543 (Rated: 18+)
Two chapters of novel (draft). Horror/supernatural contemporary set in England.
by AngelEyes (26)
, I offer you these comments:
My name is Charlie and I saw your story on The Review Request Page.
On the initial reading of the 1st chapter of Hidden Things, my impression was, Wow! This person can write. I got into the writing and stayed, enjoyed, and learned.
Effectiveness of tone
Having the overall tone being that of a family going on an outing with all the innuendos of family relationships and even with a dog was expertly created.
a. For instance: Caleb strove to show all these things in his drawings but it was hard. [A member's hobby, typical of a family happening.]
b. "Hey Dumbo love, bet you could put down a nice barbe eh love. Nice juicy steak. Or two or three!" Karl chuckled his own joke. [This uncharitable line, though it must have hurt Hope, is another example of family relationships.]
c. "Take her round the back of the house Charlie. It's probably better to keep a bit out of sight seeing as its private property," Karl suggested. Obediently Charlie followed directions. [A clear cut relationship is seen between Charlie and Karl.]
Effectiveness of mood
Having been taught that mood, in part, is what a reader feels as he walks away from the writing, I put the chapter down with a feeling of the great out-doors with an exciting abandoned movie set on moorland.
a. Smells of warm earth and sun-drenched vegetation filled his nostrils, comfortable, familiar scents of summer. [Here one of the scenes of the out-of-doors is seen.]
b. A vista of browns, purples, greens. The deep, wet, grays of granite outcroppings, spotted with white blooms of lichen, clinging to life on the ancient rock as they had done for a million years. [Topsoil was spread thin here and the grass was short and tough. Scattered on the unforgiving ground, fragments of stone, dropped carelessly from God's hand as he was constructing this rugged place. It was a landscape that remembered creation in its every contour. The bones and veins of the Earth were close to the surface here. [Here is reason why I wrote that the mood created a feeling of the great out-of-doors.]
The overall chapter evoked within me a sincere and an exciting interest in what happens next.
Tense and Point of View
The past tense was consistent through-out, and writing in the third person permitted the writer to show the thoughts of the characters. Learning Hope's true orientation to Karl's curtness was seen through her thoughts. This subplot situation was strongly realized.
a. She remembered the times before they married when Karl had respected her, treated her as his equal, and cared about her opinions. Back then he never have ordered her around as he did now. It made her cross, angry inside. She kept all the anger inside and never let Karl know what she felt. it, [This thinking Hope engaged in was what I mean that the third person view point worked.]
The opening paragraph delved into an area of philosophy that Caleb (a sketcher) strove to get into his pictures. This opening awoke my interest, as anyone should realize the story will not be shallow but one with substance. As the story moved along from scene to scene, it developed into a fascinating read with the plot becoming more and more understandable, believable, and enjoyable
The most obvious conflict was between Karl and Hope (a sub-plot.) Their marriage was becoming clouded by Karl's excessive curtness and his leaning toward Charlie as a companion rather than toward Hope.
As far as the rising action, in this first chapter, is concerned, it was well thought out and it was developed nicely and worked well.
The climax, in this first chapter, appears to be the discovery that there are two other persons at this remote spot.
Being a novel, any more meaningful rising action, conflict and resolution will be seen as the book unfolds.
I enjoyed your characters, as the distinct voice of each was consistent and believable. Interest in old movie sets as a motivation worked, and each of your characters revealed some likes and dislikes giving them depth.
Physical appearances were zilch. Hope being fat is the only real description I found, yet their personalities came through with strength.
Couldn't stand Karl's lines calling Hope, Dumbbell, yet I know this was your aim, and it worked.
I was taught that tags should read Charlie said and not said Charlie or Karl said not said Karl.
I liked your dialogue; because it was realistic and natural. It helped with building your characters' images.
Speaking of images, I compliment you highly on your descriptions of the environment, and your use of the sense words was most beautiful. Wow! I could smell, see and even hear your scenes.
My overall impression was one of joy. I enjoyed Hidden Things' 1st and 2nd chapters. Your writing made me feel lucky to have found it. Though I have never been on such an outing, I can relate to it from some fishing trips I've been on with my dad and brother.
My favorite lines:
a) He worked hard at capturing nuances of feeling the darkness just off the centre, the brightness waiting to be set free.
b) They road in silence for a while, except for occasional road directions from Karl.
I ran your story through my spell/grammar checker and noted there were many places where the checker saw your writing as being in error. I corrected many in the copy below. You might want to check on this your self.
Many thanks for permitting me to review the first chapter of hidden things. Once again your sense descriptions and those of your environments are out of sight.
Needed to give a 4 due to the spelling and grammar errors.
Keep up your great imaginative and descriptive writing.
© Copyright 2011 chip (UN: chipkath at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
chip has granted Writing.Com, its affiliates and syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.