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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/citlali
Review Requests: OFF
5 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I would be reviewing it mostly on how easy the work was to read and if it was captivating enough. You can put all your creative juices into work, but if the reader cannot move past the first few paragraphs, it's not a good one. If you'd specifically like me to review the style of writing or the creativity in your work, please do mention it.
I'm good at...
Noticing the tone set for the work and discerning a character's traits. Going deep into a person's pov and looking at their mental imagery play out.
Favorite Genres
fiction, fantasy, romance, sci-fi
Least Favorite Genres
erotica. I have nothing against it but I wouldn't want to review it.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of "My pleasure."  
Review by Citlali
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello! I am glad you chose me as the reviewer for your story, I also took the liberty of being your editor, hope you don't mind that. so here are a few things I had to say:
1) I was confused about whose friend was Guanita ( Leia's or her mother's). so you can try specifying that.
2)" ...which felt like the vastness of earth's water bodies put into the vision from two eyes" is a highly confusing analogy. I couldn't bring myself to imagine the view in front of me. Maybe breaking it down or making it into a simpler one would help.
3)"..brimming the light" must be " brimming with light".
4)" The reflection of the moon was in the water and Leia, not understanding how to start, throws a tiny rock into the reflection". a change in tense noticed here.
5)"a face of an older woman that was far enough from her eyesight to not notice." could be written as " the face of an older woman appeared. But it was far enough from her eyesight that Leia remained oblivious to it"
6)"...whispers for the lake" must be "...whispers from the lake"
7)"...sound was wind rustling the leaves" must be "...sound was the wind rustling the leaves"
8)"..jar of ashes she brought with her" must be rewritten as "... jar of ashes that she had brought with her"
9)"While walking, she felt something moving behind, or at least she thought, so she looked back noticing nothing mentionable." This sentence can be cut into different parts because while reading, it is a jumble of words.
10)"She breaking in tears again" can be rewritten as "she started to tear up again" (or) "she broke into tears."
11)"She finally brought some courage" can be written as "she gathered(or) garnered some courage."
12)"Than...thank you" I know you meant to cut thank you as 'than' but it implied the actual meaning of than." than- thank you" would be a better replacement.

Overall it was a pretty interesting read. The ending of the story took me a while to understand. I was wondering what was weird about it. But you had wanted to imply her death date was known by the spirit of the lake and was marked on the tree. Highly creepy spirit right there.
There were a lot of tense changes and grammatical errors. I realise the fact that you've given me to review it and thereby expect me to point them out. But please bear in mind that I am merely a reviewer, not an editor. Nevertheless, I really enjoyed reading and editing the story. Keep up the writing streak!

2
2
Review by Citlali
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
hey! thank you for requesting me to review your work!
Straight off the bat, I loved the way polyamorous relationships were portrayed here. It helped me understand how things work in such relationships and remove the stigma attached to it.
I am not a part of the fandom, so if u feel any of my review points wouldn't shift the fanfic to a great degree, you can ignore it and I'd apologize in advance for it.
*Filipino, Italian, Japanese and Dutch can be used as descriptions. But as a reader who hasn't been exposed to the world much, it was very hard for me to imagine their emphasized features. I would need more physical descriptions than just the countries they were from.
* Chapter 3 was pretty overlapping with pov's. In the first chapter, I could determine it was Joan's, and the second it was Seto's. In the third one, there was quick switching of pov's which made me..confused.
*I felt that Marc, as a character didn't have any defining traits. Seto's and Mokuba's were distinct because of chapter 2 and 5. And you've already let Joan's character to be decided by the readers, so there's no trouble with that.
*While reading chapter 4, I was initially confused as to what pissed the attendant off such that he had to call in the security to get all of them out. ( I even wondered if attendants were actually that rude) Turns out its racism( yikes.. I sometimes hate how true it can be )
*I love the Kuriboh tactic you introduced here. Sounds pretty efficient if you'd ask me :)
*The descriptions of the environment were very easy on the brain. It was easy to understand the tone as a reader. soo.. good job!


3
3
Review of Why Love?  
Review by Citlali
Rated: E | (3.0)
hey v.. so if you're doing a third person pov , I know it would be hard to "show and tell".
but u can try doing it different ways even from a third pov.
His father looked at him with sad eyes
we can try writing : the father stared at his son .His eyes were riddled with inexplicable sadness.
or for instance: The boy screamed, tearing up can be replaced by the boy let out a scream of anguish. His anger rolling down as tears which stained his cheeks.
that would be a great way to incorporate descriptive into your narrative style.
since Sam was really angry at his father and mom especially, a few lines on HOW he understood that love is sacrifice through his father's story would be amazing. Maybe the display of the slow change of his mind can do the trick.
I loved the hidden details and the fact that u managed to wrap it up in a few paragraphs. That is a skill.
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