|I took your ballsy offer up to come view your work and compare it to my own. I suggest looking for word echoes, passive words and studying up on showing versus telling.
The Lady Jaharwynn Almarin sat in an overstuffed chair in the sitting room of Almarin Manor. Her chestnut hair, always braided, was pulled over one shoulder coiled in her lap. She flicked the end of her wrist-thick braid back and forth unconsciously(telling). Jahar was slouched sideways in the chair with one leg thrown over the arm(telling). Before her, the rough stone fireplace consumed the ash wood logs laid on the hearth (telling). With her head leaning on the heavily cushioned arm, Jahar watched the flames dance. Her golden eyes glowed with the light reflected from the fire.
Jahar was tall woman, as well as strong and muscular from training the estate guardlings. She was also, (no comma needed) a very proud woman, but her passion was for collecting (also telling). Jahar had (passive verb choice) started collecting as a child; which had (passive) been encouraged by her uncle, Lord Davlor Almarin, who had (passive)raised her. She had (passive)never known her parents; her uncle had (passive)said that they had (passive)died soon after she was born. Then Davlor had (passive)died soon after she became a woman. (whole paragraph is telling)
You're new to the site and should take some time getting to know people and how the system works. You want help with your work, I suggest you join a group and work on it, but don't go offering reviews pointing an author back to your work unless you actually gave them some good advice to begin with. You can't compare third person past tense writing to first person present tense work and have someone take you seriously.
Different styles for different writers, luckily there are plenty of readers to go around.
I wish you the best in your own work.