|Well... God, I really loved this. Some parts, and I'll point them out, they were rough for me, but together, the piece was amazing. The voice, the yearning, it was all there. When things tie together, it just works.
--- She had her eyes closed as the wind blew back her dark hair shining silvery in that full moon of late September--- this is an awkward description, but really beautiful. ...wind blew back her dark hair shining it silvery in that full moon of late September. Maybe that 'it' is all it needs?
---Love is all you need, but looking back at it all, somewhere along the way love is all we lost.--- I get the repeat of all in the beginning and end, but I don't think the middle all is necessary
---That’s really all we had--- that is should be: that was
---think that I was in her thoughts. --- delete that
---She was wrong, but in that moment, we had no idea. All we knew was us, and that was all that mattered. It was the pangs of young love; sharp and beautiful like the artist’s needle, and filled with intoxicating lust like the addict’s vice. It was everything we ever needed.
My girl in black, she was. My raver, and my Venus. I never knew what went on inside her head, but I loved the unknown in her. I loved the unfair in her. I loved her. She was more than just the girl who could bang her head to Megadeth and snap her fingers to Eddie Money. She was the one and only Erica, and wherever she went, I would follow.
She was my Black Magic Woman, and my Love Potion Number 9. She was also my Cyanide, and though it tasted oh so sweet, it was poison. I recall an Alice Cooper song of similar magnificence, but there’s no beauty in lost love, there’s only heartache. My girl in black; gone and ne’er to return.
I left her there that cold morning… a wall of six feet now between us. A humble engraving on her lonesome stone was but little more than words – words that would never tell the story of my Venus.
Erica… September 17th, 1989 – September 18th 2009. --- this is my favorite part!
---or trace the lines of her tattoos on her back--- delete on her back or write: trace the lines of the tattoos on her back
So, yeah, really great work here. Loved reading it.