Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/compendium
Review Requests: OFF
3 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Review by Compendium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Once upon a time there was a youthful, yet cunning, witch that lived in a clay shingled cottage. Every day she would study diligently, thumbing through countless grimoires with cracked leather straps and sun tinted pages while practicing her incantations with outstretched arm.

One day a teller with an urgent message came calling, soaked from the raging storm that flashed luminously through the gapped wooden shutters in the galley. His grey flannel overcoat and baggy poppers hat dripped profusely onto the chipped hickory flooring as he handed me the crinkled envelope, Honorary Witches Foundational Society stamped in broad letters across.

Because of that, I quickly thanked the messenger and escorted him out with creak and click of the door without regards to the looming conditions outside. Pondering on the contents as I sat on my red and black checkered bedside I finally decided to stash it away in the side drawer of my streaked mirrored bureau, locking it with a short twist of a tiny brass key for fear of reading of my refused admittance.

Until finally, miserable and distraught from unknowing, my hand eagerly removes the lightly dusted parchment, swiftly ripping the corner down the length before unfolding the letter.

In fine feathered penmanship it read of my acceptance into the highly regarded community of accomplished practitioners of the magical arts, bringing with it an explosion of teary eyed recollections and glee. Never again feeling a want for something better or being told I wasnt good enough I made preparations to leave the breezy, shoddy, mirky confines of what once was a woeful existence of past failures and hasty decisions to move on to a greater purpose, never to look back on my humble beginnings.
Review by Compendium
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This was a decent read for me, I was a little embroiled in the story up to the start of chapter 2 and then again at the middle of chapter 4.

The character descriptions seem to be a little over done in certain aspects and the its difficult to find the flow of the story from the lack of adequate visualizations of the characters surroundings, they are there but they seem very scarce making the scene transition sloppy and leaving the reader wondering where they are.

"Ok, well im going to show Joan around a bit," Marc said before guiding her to a different aisle - (of desks) - I would personally omit the words "of desks" for its overly bland visualative power and repetitive usage in the earlier sentences, causing the reader to look back on the multi uses and take away from the stories depth - It isnt needed as the earlier uses of that word in the area descriptions is adequate and simply ending with "aisle" should do nicely.

"He lead her over to an asian man with shaggy black hair and deep violet eyes" - With the earlier physical character descriptions i feel the usage of this side characters features is unnecessary as it seemed like it was "clumped together" with the numerous descriptions of previous characters already being enough to embroil the reader but looking at too many descriptions can drive readers away.

Either the 2nd or 3rd use of the word "asian" could be better changed to something else in order to prevent multiple uses of the same descriptive alias.

"A MOBA based on duel monsters," the asian (stated) - I would stand to omit any uses of the word "stated" again for its bland visualization that simply takes up space and doesnt inform the reader of any type of emotional state or differing pattern of speech.

"Nobody gets to call me bro except Mokuba." - At this point in the story I started to wonder where i exactly was physically in the story. I felt like i was wanting for more intense descriptions of scenery for not only visualization but to help the reader "transition from scene to scene" without being just seemingly carried off in conversation amongst several possible locales - I think this is where the story could use the most improvement, simply in more visualization of the physical surroundings to help put the reader into the world better.

"Marc stuck out his hand to shake." - i felt like this instance was far too similar to an earlier expression in chapter 1 or 2 - I would simply move to change up the way the characters express themselves to avoid any repetitive uses that could catch the potential readers eye.

"Id fire you for bringing a whore to work, by the way did you know that girlfriend is a whore" - I get the attempt at humour but shortly after this sentence there are an additional 2 or 3 uses of the word "whore" that i think it would be best to change up for variety and avoiding too much attention to be placed on the words extensive use from the author.

"Joans phone buzzed" - "Joan texted him back quickly" - Try to avoid using the name of the character multiple times in the same sentence or even the sentence before or after its application as it just feels like it breaks up the flow of the story.

Overall I would call this a worthy attempt and pretty good at the area descriptions in chapter 4 and the overall character descriptions with appropriate dialogue to go with it that helps to keep the reader reading on through the emotional pull of the characters "choices of words" and properly correlated bodily movements, hand, and voice expressions.

The biggest area needing improvement being the "scene transition" to help ground the reader throughout the story and how well you can describe those scenes with varied, meaningful, relatable choices of descriptive words.

Very good for the most part with the impressive dialogue but this is one of my weakpoints to be sure. I wish you all the best, take care :)

2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/compendium