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905 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I love reviewing but hate rating. A story that makes my soul sing may not speak to other readers in the same way, and many solid stories simply don't hit the right note for me. Rating is so very, very subjective. My reviews are as honest as I can make them, but they're colored inevitably and unavoidably by my preferences and experiences. My goal is to be kind and encouraging. But really... many things are a matter of taste. I try to keep that in mind when rating. If a story has so many distracting errors that I can't engage with the content, I'm more likely to navigate away than continue reading. Similarly, if a story is not to my taste, I'd prefer not to rate, because my subjective rating shouldn't be applied to something I would normally choose not to interact with. It feels unfair to the author. So, if I review you: I liked what I saw, but I may also have seen opportunities to improve.
Favorite Genres
character-focused fiction, speculative fiction (sci-fi, fantasy, surreal), drama — Pretty much any genre other than works where romance is the primary focus
Least Favorite Genres
Anything where romance or sex is the primary focus.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Tim Chiu !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         Hello! I found your poem while looking for a random read. Politics are a tough topic, but I love how you explore parallels and contrasts between both politics and sports—to my shame, two topics I should explore in more depth, so my feedback on the content might not be the sharpest. When I started reading, though, the flawless, energetic meter pulled me along all the way to that gut-punch final line. Wow!

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         I loved the meter, how each line seemed to more or less follow a pattern of -/--/--/--/. It almost looks like anapestic meter except that each line begins with an incomplete foot, and (forgive me *Sob*) I'm forgetting what that's called. But it makes for excellent poetry, anyway. I was enthralled by the poem from start to finish. The AAAABBBBCCCC rhyme scheme only added to the drum-like beat, which felt appropriate for the content. (Politics and sports can both feel like getting beaten into the ground, in my experience. *Laugh*)

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         I loved your word choice here. I love the idea of sports as a "contrivance," beautiful and attractive but also "sculpted." And the final line of the final stanza, about how we're always seeking "hell of the same," is fantastic and feels true.

         Here and there, I wondered if the rhyme was a little forced or the lines a bit unclear. I wasn't sure what "slammed" and "rammed" meant in the context of political chances and purpose, respectively. I'm not sure what a "rammed" purpose looks like. And "seeking a pouring" didn't make sense to me in the context of the stanza... but I'm relatively sure I'm missing some slang or regionalism here that would allow me to understand it.

         In the following stanza, the bit that reads, "having your teammates expunge that ill well" is a really great line and a really smooth read, but the word "that" makes it seem like it's referencing something within the stanza... but I think I missed the implied ill will, unless it somehow referred to something in the first stanza. Because of the limitations placed on the poem by its strict meter, the meaning seemed obscured. In the second stanza, a "display" is trying to fill a "contrivance," grammatically speaking. Now, this is probably because I only got a few hours of sleep today, but I'm having trouble figuring out what that means.

         Stanza three urges readers to "actively voice it." What are they voicing? The "pleasure" from the previous line, or the "vision" in the following one that preserves that feeling of unpleasant stasis/lack of advancement that I'm getting from the ending?

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* A sculpted yet gorgeous display tries to fill
A thorough contrivance, the ultimate thrill.


*Gift1* *Bullet* What everyone’s seeking is hell of the same. What a powerful final line!

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* This poem reads like a word feast. I didn't stumble even once over the lines, and you ended with a powerful assertion, the sort of line that will linger and urges readers to think. In a few places, I felt that the poem lacked clarity.

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         I'm so glad I had a chance to read this! Thank you for sharing.

Write On!

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2
2
for entry "~ My Supplication ~
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, ruwth !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         It's a pleasure as always to drop in and read your work. I'm here to share my comments on your short poem as a fellow participant in "I Write"! I'll jump right in.

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         I enjoyed the flow of those first few lines! They felt dramatic, powerful, and significant: God / I cry out / for intimacy / with you. The enjambment made sure I paid special attention to the weight of the words on each line. The following eight lines clearly communicated an idea, but they didn't flow quite as well because, to me, it seemed that they were saying more or less the same thing, just using more words.... words which weren't quite as impactful as the ones in your first four lines.

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         In a short poem of approximately ~35 words, you use the verb "know" four times. Those opening lines—a moving prayer for closeness, also imply a desire to know. Though the following lines give name to the trinity and express the fact that God knows his children, I ultimately didn't feel they added a meaningful amount of information to those first four lines. The poem started strong, and I hoped it might truly explore the desire the speaker has to understand her God or detail the methods by which the speaker wished to get to know Him. The poem is solid, but it felt redundant. Then again, I understand that you were tasked with a very difficult thing: writing a poem without the letter 'e'! So I can see where it might be tough!

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* I enjoyed those first four lines—short but heartfelt, with really powerful word choice in "cry out" and "intimacy." *Heart*

*Gift1* *Bullet* I loved the honesty of this poem! *Heart*

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* I noticed you took the more traditional route of capitalizing each line, which gave me pause but makes perfest sense for a more traditional poem! *Heart* I saw no spelling errors, but the repetition prevented me from fully engaging with the poem.

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         I think you did an excellent job of writing a poem without the letter 'e'! That's a tall order, and you succeeded. *Delight* As always, please know that my feedback is subjective. You're welcome to take anything you find useful and discard anything that doesn't align with your vision for this poem. Thank you for sharing your work, and...

Write On!

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3
3
for entry "Halloween Romance
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Prosperous Snow writing poetry !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         Hello! I'm here to read and review this fun limerick as a fellow participant in "I Write." I enjoyed the funny imagery in this limerick, and the comedic tone matched the spirit of the form. Well done!

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         The meter is a bit varied here, but the flow is pretty consistently smooth! I love the anapestic meter in the first line with On the night of the full Hunter's Moon. The following lines were amusing and employed good imagery that added to the comedic tone of the poem, but I encountered a small bump in the final line. I'll talk about that a bit more below.

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         The fun and unexpected language felt just right for a limerick. I loved the opening image of the Hunter's Moon and the surpising line about the scarecrows. *Laugh*

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* Two scarecrows decided to spoon, — what an amusing and unexpected image! *Rolling*

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* "Please stifle your romance until June." — "until," to me, causes a bit of a bump in the meter. In my head, I wanted to read it as, "Please stifle your romance 'til June."

*Bullet* decided to spoon,(.) — It looks like you've chosen to use punctuation in your poem, but I stumbled a bit over the pieces you chose. This one ends a sentence, so I expected a period after "spoon."

*Bullet* And he said with a sigh(,) — Because this line precedes a line of dialogue, I expected a comma after "sigh."

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         This was a fun read! Thank you for sharing.

Write On!

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4
4
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Jeff !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         Hello! It's my pleasure to review your work as a fellow participant in "I Write." I'll start with a disclaimer—it's clear to me that there are a ton of allusions to the source material in here and extremely clever combinations. I recognize that they exist, but I don't recognize the references because I'm not familiar with the source material. (I know! For shame.) Still, this poem was an absolute delight. You have done the near-impossible and made me wish I knew about all of these horror stories so I could fully enjoy the content in this poem. (I have been meaning to watch "It," actually.)

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         You took the prompt that required a "story poem" and took it one step further. I absolutely love that you used a pretty consistent ABCB rhyme scheme but used varying line lengths. I loved that this poem seemed to take the form of a script or a summary of some sort of screenplay. Fantastic! *Delight*

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         The theme song is hilarious, poking fun at murder. I love that you took the prompt and did something so creative with it. This comes across not as scary but as very clever, tongue-in-cheek, and comedic. I enjoyed it. Here and there, the rhyme scheme was a bit off (since rhyme is based on accented syllables, "hall" and "nightfall" don't technically rhyme), but that wasn't a big deal.

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* while Ugly Naked Guy had to gruesomely add
“disemboweled by a cleaver” to his overlong descriptor
*Rolling* I shouldn't be so amused by this, but I am. It makes me wish I understood the context.

*Gift1* *Bullet* these five unholy souls united
to descend on Greenwich Village
— Perfect ending! Nice work.

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* Since it was the only rhyming couplet, the Gunther line seemed a bit jarring and I struggled with it, but when I thought about it, it felt appropriate for the blood-splashing-the-walls theme of some cold opens.

*Bullet* Other than the minor notes re: rhyme above, I feel like I'd need to know the shows to make meaningful commentary in this area. As an observer unfamiliar with these horror movie favorites, though, I had a blast.

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         This is such a clever poem with a creative format and a dark twist. Thank you for sharing!

Write On!

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5
5
Review of My Mind  
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, J.L. O'Dell !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         Hello! I'm here to read and review your poem as a fellow participant in "I Write." I love that you managed a consistent and interesting rhyme in such a short space!

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         You perfectly adhered to the 24-syllable requirements for the prompts and made an interesting use of the prompt word in this poem rhymed AAAAAA! You chose to address the dark shadows of the mind in this one, and I enjoyed your word choice. The poem flowed quite well, though the repetition of the word "mind" in such a short poem felt a bit jarring.

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         I enjoyed the rhyme for "entwined" and "unwind" and how they connected! It creates a thread-like image that I really enjoyed. However, with the prompt word being umbra, the metaphors seemed to be slightly mixed. The mention of shadows and the idea of "dark thoughts enshrined" felt appropriately connected, but the unraveling aspect and the choice of the word "unconfined" (which evokes an image of imprisonment or prior restraint) were wonderful but didn't seem to connect to the overall theme in a way that strengthened and added nuance to the poem, at least for me. Still, the rhyme was compelling and the poem was an enjoyable read. You chose such delightfully strong words! I especially love umbra, enshrined, and unconfined.

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* Umbra of my mind
Shadows entwined
Dark thoughts enshrined
— Nice job with the continuing theme of shadow/darkness!

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* Umbra of my mind
[...]
State of mind.
— It may very well be intentional—and if that's the case, ignore me!—but the repetition feels a bit awkward. It wouldn't even be noticeable in a longer poem, but in a short work, it stands out a bit more.

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         I hope some of my thoughts might be useful, but feel free to discard anything that doesn't fit with your vision for your work. It was a pleasure to read your poem. Thanks for sharing!

Write On!

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6
6
Review of rag bag  
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Cappucine !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         I'm certain you don't need to be told how utterly amazing this poem is, how tight and expressive and powerful your language is, how unexpected and appropriate the words are and how they land with such weight, but tonight has been a night about failing to write things (and this week, this month, and many months before have been about failing to write things that mean anything), so here I am to tell you that I was out searching for a random read and stopped dead on this breathtaking poem. I was in the mood to consume, but I had to stop and tell you how much I loved this. Reviews with crit can be useful, but I think there's just as much use in praising work done well. In any case, there's no other feedback I can manage to provide at the moment. I hope these comments are welcome!

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         This poem is freeverse with no rhyme or meter I could discern. It flows easily. I love the enjambment, the way you've arranged the lines and thoughts that run together like this litany of clothes the speaker has discarded. Gorgeous.

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         I don't have words to tell you how much I loved the perfect, vibrantly visual and powerful language you employed in this poem. I adore words like "anklefreeze" and "rose transparencies" and "pills on bitter wool." I'm sure you noticed that I drew those words from just a few short, consecutive lines. If I highlighted all the words I loved, this review wouldn't end.

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* *clears throat* The entire poem No but seriously...

*Gift1* *Bullet* slough of outgrown clothes;
skins, selves;
Excellent alliteration/consonance. The unexpected and delightful use of "skins" and "selves" is glorious.

*Gift1* *Bullet* I bundled them all in a sack.
A fat benevolent bag
bound for the rag man.
— The assonance with the repeated "a" sound is excellent! The descriptions are excellent. "Fat benevolent bag" *Delight*

*Gift1* *Bullet* too earnest too dishonest — See, if this weren't a public review, I might use a stronger word, but daaaaaaaaang. This is the kind of real that hits you in the gut.

*Gift1* *Bullet* I gave up a tutu or two,
to the indiscriminate gut
of the rag bag.
the poetic devices, the delicious and surprising language! Tell me to stop praising this poem. (You could tell me, of course, but I'm not sure if I could stop myself)

*Gift1* *Bullet* I will never wear my wedding dress again.
It was never white to begin with
and its use-by date
is long exceeded.
Daaaaaaang! (part two)

*Gift1* *Bullet* I am tempted to talk of ghosts,

but the space I created
is free and unhaunted,
— BAM. What a conclusion.

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* You have to know I tried. I really did. I can't think of any suggestions to improve a poem so much more efficient and powerful than I feel capable of producing.

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         I hope this review finds you well (and that a review on an older work is not unwelcome), and I hope you know you've earned a fan. A lovely poem, and I'm happy I found it.

Write On!

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7
7
Review of No Matter  
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Deb !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         Hello and Welcome to WDC! I stumbled on this while looking for new work to read, and I'm glad I saw it. I had a chance to look at other work in your portfolio, too, and it was powerful. I stumbled over a couple small errors, but I loved the vibrant imagery in this poem.

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         This is a short, punchy freeverse poem without discernible meter or rhyme. Short lines and sparse language add to the sense of solitude, loneliness and exhaustion. I stumbled over a typo in the first lines, but the rest of the poem flowed well.

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         You used some really strong language and imagery. The image of the bar stool in the condo shows me that this woman is not impoverished, but the fact that she's pouring herself cheap moscato also tells me things. You show me her loneliness so well, and I think so many people can identify with stories of isolation right now. Thank you for sharing this!

         Here and there, I took note of some small places where I wanted strong imagery like I found early on in the poem. I'll talk more about those below.

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* She pours herself another drink,
Cheap wine in a box,
Moscato.
I love that it's getting more specific, but also sadder and more lonely, each line getting shorter. Nice!

*Gift1* *Bullet* Does your life cease to exist
When you are alone?
I paused here for a moment. I considered this thought with her. *Thumbsupl*

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* Does anyone wasn’t to talk to me? — want

*Bullet* Does your life cease to exist
When you are alone?
— I was so deep in her head thanks to the "me" in the previous line that the "you" in these lines was a bit jarring!

*Bullet* And she aches
And she mourns...
— This is the most subjective feedback possible, but where the lines about pouring another drink showed that wrenching, aching loneliness so well, these lines seem a bit too straightforward and on-the-nose.

*Bullet* No matter
What you write,
No matter what you accomplish,
You will leave this earth.
You will be suddenly gone
So what do you write?
And who will read your work?
— Again, very powerful and relatable thoughts! But the image of her sitting on her stool and her condo and the image of pouring another drink were really powerful to me. This last stanza feels ever so slightly like it's forcing the poem's message on me. It's not a bad thing at all to have a clear message, but for a brief moment, I wondered if, instead, there's an image like the ones you used above that should show me this despair and distress, this fear of leaving nothing behind. Personally, I find vibrant images more compelling and emotional than outright statements.

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         Please feel free to discard any suggestions that don't speak to you and know that I enjoyed this poem. (Hmm... is enjoyed the right word for poems that hit you where it hurts? ...Well. In any case, it was an honor to engage with your well-chosen words in this poem!) I hope my feedback was useful, and I hope you enjoy your time on this amazing site. Thank you for sharing your work!

Write On!

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8
8
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi, Bspr2020 !

         *Gift* Overall Thoughts
My first impressions of your story.

         Hello and Welcome to WDC! I took a peek at your bio, and it looks like you're 17 years old or so? I think that's really cool. When I joined the site, I was 14, and it was the best decision I ever made. The Writing.Com community offered such excellent and helpful feedback and helped me grow so much as a writer. It's a blessing to be here as a young writer, and I wish you every success.

         I want to start off by saying I'm impressed with your writing. It may feel like I'm being a bit tough, at times, but it's my ultimate goal to be honest and encouraging. Anyway, back when I joined, I know the biggest thing I wanted was honesty. I wanted people to treat my writing as writing so I could learn and grow. I respect your work and want to offer you the same courtesy.

          Feel free to ask if you have any questions, and, again, welcome to the website! I hope it brings you as much joy as it has brought me.

          — Character:

         I don't know much about your character because she knows nothing about herself (which is really cool, actually), so it's difficult to fill out this section. However, I'm interested in her story because there is clearly a lot going on in the world. I love that she is so confused, because it makes me feel close to her; I'm just as clueless as she is, which makes me interested in discovering the answers alongside her.

         Some strong, specific descriptions of her actions could help me learn more about her and feel closer to her. Sometimes the language feels vague and "tells" me about the world when I want it to show me. I will point out some examples of that below.

          — Plot:

         This is an unfinished short story, so it's difficult to comment on plot, but I think you have a very strong hook here. You've done exactly what a story should do: you've created questions in my mind. Why is your main character not affected by whatever is making these other people wear hazmat suits? What are the horrible things she encounters when she wakes? What has happened to the world? They're all great questions to have, and they make me interested in reading on.

          — Description/Style:

         You have some excellent, interesting, and emotional events going on. I enjoyed your descriptions, but in some places, I think it may help to be more specific and make use of vibrant imagery.

         Shifts from present tense to past tense throughout the story and the fact that the story was written all in a single, gigantic paragraph made it a bit difficult to read. I think breaking it up into paragraphs will make the story more appealing and easier to consume.

          *Gift* Digging a little deeper...
Here, I'll note anything that stood out.

*Exclaimg* Patterns to watch out for: Tense shifts (present to past), Telling rather than showing, excessive dialogue tags. — I'll talk in more detail about each of these things below!

*Bullet* Where am I? The grass was black — You start in the present tense, which I love! Present tense makes things feel more immediate. It's good for emotional stories and horror, because your reader is reading the story "in the now"! I think present tense if a good choice for this story... but I'm not 100% sure if you meant to choose it, because the story switches back and forth between present tense and past tense every sentence, and sometimes in the middle of sentences. If you wanted this to be in present tense, it should be, Where am I? The grass is black [...]

*Bullet* I have no idea how I got here but I know I needed to leave. — Some more tense issues. To correct to present tense, you'd need to write, I have no idea how I got here but I know I need to leave.

*Bullet* As I'm walked outside, I realized there are — tense issue: realized should be realize

*Bullet* no people out beside a group — this should probably be "besides." If you use "beside," it makes it seem like you mean "next to" instead of "other than."

*Bullet* Whatever they're doing comes to a halt once I walked past, immediately they rushed to surround me. — Walked should be walks, to fit with the present tense. The part after the comma is what's called a comma splice. Comma splices are cousins of run-on sentences. In a run-on, two sentences are smashed together with no period or other punctuation. For example: She walked she listened to music. A comma splice is when two sentences are shoved together with inadequate punctuation—a comma is almost but not quite strong enough to join them! For example: She walked, she listened to music. Because these are two full, independent sentences with subjects and verbs, they need really strong punctuation like a period or semicolon to join them. You could fix them by doing something like:

*Star* She walked. She listened to music.
*Star* She walked; she listened to music.
*Star* She walked and listened to music.


The comma in the sentence from your story should be replaced with a period or semicolon. As in the third example above, though, you can also add a conjunction (examples: for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) after the comma, which would also work.

*Bullet* "How are you out here without a mask and protective gear?" one of the workers asked. — You create a great mystery with these opening sentences, but keep in mind that dialogue by a new speaker should start a new paragraph every time.

*Bullet* The rest of the group started to stare at me nervously. — I love the continuing tension! Keep in mind that, to really drop readers into your world, it's often best to give a short, vivid description that shows nervousness rather than telling it. How is their nervousness clear? Do the others back away from her and raise their hands as if to block a blow? Maybe they wince or narrow their eyes? Sometimes, adverbs like "nervously" are effective, but at the start of a story, when you really want to drop readers right into the action, it's best to use vibrant description.

*Bullet* I had no idea what they were talking about and so I tried to push past them — Such excellent interpersonal tension and continuing mystery! One small comment: "had no idea what they were talking about" is good stuff, but you might consider getting even more direct with it and dropping us right into your character's head. For example, you started the story with "where am I?" which is a great example of what is called "Deep Point-of-view"! It's called deep POV because it puts you deep into the main character's head and makes it easier to care for the character. If you changed this line to deep POV, I think it could be stronger. For example, something like, They're not making any sense. I try to push past. That way, the character's thoughts are part of the narrative.

*Bullet* "What are you doing let me go?" I said anxiously, still trying to get away. — Each line of dialogue should start a new paragraph. Also, I don't think you need the tag, "I said anxiously." Your dialogue is lovely and already shows me that she is anxious. A small note on the dialogue. I think a piece of punctuation may me missing. Perhaps it should be: "What are you doing? Let me go!" I like "still trying to get away." If you wanted to be more specific, you can replace it with more specific information telling me how she's trying to get away. Is she clawing at their suits? Punching them? Kicking or cursing? Trying to elbow them?

*Bullet* another worker demandingly blared. — "blared" is already a strong and demanding word. I don't think "demandingly" is necessary.

*Bullet* "I don't even know where I am, how am I supposed to know?" I stated. — Keep in mind that not every piece of dialogue needs a dialogue tag like "he said/she whispered/he murmured." Actually, in published fiction, action tags are becoming more common! Action tags are descriptions of what the character is doing. For example: "I don't even know where I am, how am I supposed to know?" I wrench my arm away from him and stumble back a step. The "action" description helps readers visualize the movement in the story and keeps things moving. Here, you use "stated," but that word seems strangely calm and neutral for the tense and frightening situation. (Also, here and in many of the examples above, note that you're continuing to use past tense instead of present tense. Present tense of stated would be state.

*Bullet* They all gave each other looks and nods to one another, I felt one of them move closer behind me and put their hand on mouth. Slowly my mind fogs and soon I lost consciousness. — Tense issues. To remain in present tense, this should be: They all give each other looks and nod to one another. I feel one of them move closer behind me and put their hand on mouth. Slowly my mind fogs and soon I lose consciousness. This is an issue throughout the story. I will only point out some examples so I'm not overwhelming you, but if you have trouble changing tenses, let me know!

*Bullet* I finally realized that my eyes were closed, and I opened them to a sight, unlike anything I had ever seen before. — Comma after "sight" is not necessary. I like the implied tension in the sentence, but it's more emotional and immediate to show the main character's reaction. This is off the top of my head and I know you can do better, but here's an example: I finally realize that my eyes are closed, and I blink them open. Immediately, I wish I hadn't. My stomach twists, heart beating a mad tune in my chest. That way, readers don't need to be told it's a sight your character hasn't seen before. In her fear and the beat of her heart, they understand that she hasn't seen anything like it before, and the vivid descriptions put them in the reader's shoes.

*Bullet* It was so terrifying and then finally my eyes landed on something so horrifying and disturbing it was an animal if you can even call it that. — I'm loving the horror here, but I think this is another place where it might be more effective to show rather than tell.

*Bullet* Suddenly made a noise from the side of the room where the dog/deer/elephant creature was. — What sort of noise? I think you can add to the emotion with specificity.


          *Gift* In Closing:
Final thoughts...

         You've got a solid start to this and a clearly interesting idea! With some polishing, I think it could shine much brighter. I enjoyed reading it, and I hope my feedback is useful. Thank you for sharing, and...

Write On!

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9
9
Review of on the wire  
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Rhyssa !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         I was thinking about writing, agonized and writer's-blocked and unhappy, and I couldn't stare at the blinking cursor any longer, so I decided to look for a random read. It's always uplifting to see the magic other writers create with their words. I stumbled on this poem at just the right time. It really hit home, and I love its powerful ending.

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         This is a freeverse story-poem that details the amazing feat of Philippe Petit, who crossed the two towers on a tight rope. There's no rhyme or meter I can discern, but the poem flowed quite smoothly, with few interruptions. I really loved the consonance between dance and pass. That entire stanza detailing Petit's amazing accomplishment, actually, was really lovely and tightly-written. I especially enjoyed the way you employed the word "magnetic." It has so many potential meanings and works perfectly here. Your enjambment was masterful, too. Especially in the aforementioned stanza, the line breaks created a certain amount of tension, making readers wonder what would come next, and each new line brought an interesting or unexpected image.

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         As I mentioned above, the stanza detailing Petit's death-defying journey was amazing. You chose such strong words. I also adored your final stanza and the lone line that ends the poem. It's too easy to let a poem go on forever, losing strength and momentum, but you ended it with a powerful observation—more powerful still for what modern readers know has become of the towers.

         One thing I noticed and wanted to comment on was that, while you employed some truly striking word choices, some stanzas contained weak verbs or phrases I think you could trim off to make this poem stronger. I'll talk a bit more about that below, but keep in mind that these comments are quite subjective.

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* and the thought of the towers
was still untempered by death,
but forged in possibility.
— What a gut-punch!

*Gift1* *Bullet* their eyes locked
on each magnetic pass
across the wire.
— Stunning!

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Star* Please know that the comments below are not because I think the poem is flawed but because I think it's extraordinary—I would not spend such time thinking about how to strengthen an already-strong poem if I didn't believe you had something truly special here. Take these comments with as many grains of salt as they merit!

*Bullet* one morning in New York City,
while people crowded by the thousand,
hurrying, waiting,
swearing as the shriek of metal on metal
warned them that the day
was beginning,
and the Twin Towers
were going to gain another layer,

someone looked up
and saw a tightrope walker.
One morning/that the day was beginning feels slightly redundant. I wonder if the first instance could be removed and the second made more vivid. You also employ a few state-of-being verbs, which don't carry much weight and can usually be replaced with stronger verbs—especially in poetry, where every single word counts. I imagine I'm probably missing the weight the line carries, but "the twin towers were going to gain another layer" feels a bit weak and nonspecific compared to the powerful, evocative imagery you employ in the rest of the poem, which shows be this truth.

*Bullet* swearing as the shriek of metal on metal
warned them
— Fantastic verb choices here. I especially love the use of warned, and how the tone of the poem shifts away from this ominous crush of faceless humanity and up toward the wonder on the tightrope.

*Bullet* this was when the world was — These are not the only uses of state-of-being verbs in this short stanza, but these two stood out. I wondered if there might be a more immediate and evocative way to shift your readers into the past.

*Bullet* and turns to look around the world
to see what catches the eye—
— It felt a bit odd that "look" and "see" were repeated when you used them in the first stanza, especially since filter words can create unnecessary distance... but I considered that the repetition might intentionally reflect the "looking" and "seeing" the people on the ground did. I adore it, but it did jump out at me.

*Bullet* and what wonder can be made of it. — What a lovely final line! *Heart* Uplifting and powerful, it's exactly the right place to end this poem.

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         Feel free to discard any or all of these comments if they don't prove helpful or if your word choices were purposeful, and know that I was uplifted and moved by this poem. Thank you for sharing, and...

Write On!

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10
10
Review of Knights for Today  
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Mastiff !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         Hello! I'm here to read and review your tiny poem as a fellow participant in "I Write." This is sweet, fun, and straightforward, and I enjoyed the idea you chose to communicate.

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         As required by the contest, you wrote a full poem in exactly 24 syllables. The fact that these lines are rhymed AAA and in iambic tetrameter, to the best of my knowledge, was not part of the prompt, but the rhyme and meter work perfectly with the more traditional topic of the poem. I love when meter, word choice, and rhyme are purposefully employed to serve a poem and further its message. The lines are all of equal length at 8 syllables each, which works well. My one tiny stumble, and this is certainly just a me-thing: The meter and line length made me expect some sort of refrain or some short, punchy line to end it, but of course it was complete because it reached 24 syllables.

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         As "gest" is a knightly word, it feels appropriate that you chose a knightly tone for the poem. The lines are metered, of equal lengths, and contain language that feels appropriate for a more courtly poem. Words like shield, crest, quest, and the more flowery "upon" (rather than "on") really add to the tone. I also like the topic—that one does not need family or weaponry to be noble. One simply needs to be kind.

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* You see, the problem with small poems is that if I quote the bits I like, I'm probably quoting the whole poem. But I did enjoy this whole poem.

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* This is a small note, but the comma after crest is not necessary.

*Bullet* Syllable Conservation — Another super-tiny note—in very small poems, sometimes you can save syllables by trimming down on weak words or repeated phrases. You use a form of a verb "to do" twice and use "to" twice, both of which are no big deal but are slightly more noticeable in a very small poem.

         "It does not take a" is very solid and perfectly-metered, but it says in five syllables what you might say in three ("You need no") if you wanted to use the extra syllables to add vibrant imagery. Then again, it's solidly-written as-is! But I've been thinking a lot about how best to use the allotted syllables in short poetry like this, and just in case that topic interests you, as well, I wanted to mention it.

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         A fun poem with an courageous and adventurous meter to match. Thank you for sharing!

Write On!

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11
11
for entry "Honey, I'm Good
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Jeff !

         *Gift* Overall Thoughts
My first impressions of your story.

         Here I am again to review your work as a fellow participant in "I Write"! This time, I'm here for a journal entry, and I always have a tougher time reviewing those, because it seems strange to apply a rating to someone's thoughts, experiences, and feelings. You make it easy by writing clear, thoughtful, engaging entries.

          — Grammar/Spelling/Clarity:

         This entry was clear, fun, and easy to read. I saw only one or two tiny things that caused a moment of distraction while reading. I mention them below. One small thing that wasn't an issue but causse a moment of pause (in awe, not confusion) was the length of the final sentence in the second paragraph below the minion gif. The sentence that begins, "They're not worth going into detail about [...]" is an impressive 79 words.

          — Content:

         I love how you used humor to start the entry by describing exactly why you were blown away by the content of the song. It is rare indeed that a song be both catchy and have an uplifting message. I think you drove the point home well (you got a smile out of me, anyway!) with the minion gif immediately below your shocking revelation. *Laugh*

          It wasn't only your humor that drew me in, though, it was the personal nature of the entry and the honesty of it. I like that you talk about your own marriage and how the content of the song is personal to you because of it. You make an excellent point: relationships of all kinds aren't glamorous. They require work, and they're worth the effort.

          *Gift* Digging a little deeper...
Here, I'll note anything that stood out.

*Bullet* So many are either about failed relationships, bad relationships,temptations while you're in a relationship, affairs, etc. — You're missing a space after the comma following "relationships," and the sentence clearly went off in a bit of a different direction than it started in. You say, "So many are either about [...]" ... but the promise "or" clause that should follow an "either" never comes. You could always do something like, "So many are either about failed relationships, bad relationships, temptations while you're in a relationship, affairs, or other relationship woes."

*Bullet* The video itself is also a celebration of fidelity, — Reading this made me want to watch the video, and it was so very worth it. I'm not in a relationship and not seeking one, but I teared up at this bright, beautiful celebration of both brand-new relationships and ones that have lasted almost an entire lifetime. (That probably means I need to go to bed, but it was an oddly emotional experience *Laugh*

*Bullet* looking at what we don't have and wondering if that might be a better option than the one we currently have — In order to use "the one," you'd have to have a clear, singular antecedent earlier in the sentence. For clarity, it may be best to repeat "what" instead (what we currently have) or replace the first instance of "what" with a concrete example.

          *Gift* In Closing:
Final thoughts...

         I love your thoughts on this topic and really enjoyed the song and its message. I love how you come at the topic with both humor and honesty. Thank you for sharing and for giving me the chance to watch this video!

Write On!

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12
12
Review of Months of Flames  
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Jeff !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         Hello! It's my pleasure to read and review your poetry as a fellow participant in "I Write." I wasn't very familiar with the Blitz Poem form, so I'm glad you included a link about it so I could appreciate what you did with the form.

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         As the form demands, this poem reads quickly—a collection of fragmented phrases with repeated words. Though the form demands repetition, you effectively used the lines with repeated words to either drive home your point or create thought-provoking and fascinating contrasts. The poem read quickly and smoothly and was very powerful. I stumbled in one single place—but it was a me-thing and was entirely down to expectation and lack of understanding of the form. When I read, Divided against our own / Own our successes / Own our failures I kept wanting to read it as, "Our own successes / Our own failures." Of course, your version is so much more meaningful, but my ridiculous brain made me trip a couple times. A stunning poem, meaningful and well-written.

         I liked the surprise bits of end rhyme and assonance, as in the rhyme and repeated vowel sounds in these lines: Equality for race / Equality for God’s grace / Grace toward sin / Grace toward mistakes Lovely!

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         I love how you use the required repetition to address some hard-hitting topics that have been foregrounded this year. While it seems to be that this poem details the "months of flames" and the incompetent handling of the nation's issues, it also suggests hope here and there, ways to come together. Because of that, the ending seemed a tiny bit out of place... almost comical and redundant rather than meaningful. If the rest of the poem had been over-the-top and hilarious, I think the ending words being, 2020... / Dumpster-fire would have been appropriate and natural, but to me, for this particular poem, the ending words, reversed from their original order, don't provide a new way to look at the poem or a meaningful reversal and instead weaken the impact of the poem, overall.

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* People who look like us
People who don’t
Don’t want to change
Don’t want to listen
Listen to each other
Listen to common sense
— I love the journey these lines took me on!

*Gift1* *Bullet* Policy of selfishness
Policy of fanning the flames
— DANG. Nice. *Thumbsupl*

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* As I mentioned above, I think the final lines make for an end that is a bit flat and tonally removed from the rest of the poem. The image of a dumpster-fire is more comical than powerful. To me, different final lines may serve the poem better.

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         A strong poem in an interesting form! It was a pleasure to read your work. As always, feel free to take anything you find useful and discard anything that doesn't work. Thank you for sharing your writing!

Write On!

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13
13
Review of I Write In 2020  
for entry "Musical Elevation
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, 💙 Carly - BLUE!!💙 !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         It's my pleasure to review your work as a fellow participant in "I Write." I absolutely loved this tiny bite of poetry, complete and thought-provoking in only twenty syllables. I enjoyed the flow and your strong word choice.

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         There is no consistent meter or rhyme I can discern, but the whole poem flows well. I paused for a moment at the use of "scored," but only because it's not often that I see it used as a verb to denote the creation of music. I loved the creative use of it here. I love that you have subtle sibilance with the use of scored/soothe/savage, and I appreciated the repeated sounds in scored and force! Those and other things combined to make this poem a balm for the senses.

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         But you didn't only write beautiful and smoothly flowing words. You created something that, in 14 short words, spoke to something powerful, thought-provoking, and universal: the soothing and elevating nature of music. I loved words and phrases like "elevate our senses" and "soothe the savage force." Strong, meaningful nouns and adjectives combined with appropriate and powerful verbs to make this poem sing. I also enjoyed your use of title.

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* soothe the savage force
within us all.
— a very strong conclusion to this very short poem

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* Music was scored — I stumbled briefly over the use of the past tense. To me, it implied that this was the case only in the past, and music does not serve this function today.

*Bullet* was scored — This line also makes use of passive voice. Music was scored removes the subject from the sentence and denies readers a visual image. (For example, "the purse was taken" isn't as strong or effective as "Robby snatched the purse" in most cases. (Passive voice can be used to great effect when thoughtfully employed, so if its use is purposeful here, please ignore me!) I just wondered, as I read, if something like [subjects] score music or something evocative and visual (sorry, this isn't very good—it's off the top of my head) like quills carve notes or scores, like balms might make the poem more of a sensory experience for readers. But it's already absolutely lovely, and this is only a very small note. Feel free to disregard it.

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         It was a pleasure to engage with your work today! I think this is a topic that has wide appeal—the value of music. I certainly enjoyed it.

Write On!

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14
14
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Prosperous Snow writing poetry !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         Hello! I'm here to read and review your work as a fellow participant in "I Write." I love this fun acrostic in tribute to the many charms of WDC. I stumbled over a couple small errors or bits with repetition, but overall, I enjoyed this poem!

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         This is an unrhymed acrostic poem with each line beginning with a certain letter. The lines are all approximately the same length, and their first letters spell HAPPY TWENTIETH WDC. I encountered a moment of distaction here: you bolded every first letter except for the T in the middle of Twentieth, the line beginning: Two decades of online service. Was that on purpose?

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         I love that this is themed as a blessing to the website. The first stanza offers the blessing as a gift and praises SMs and SM for their work on the site, which is sweet. Even though it's a sweet acrostic poem for the site, it really does feel like a treasured, ancient poetry form because of the way it is structured to praise the website. The second stanza offers details of the site's accomplishments to readers, and the final stanza, again, returns to the blessing and emphasizes the way WDC serves its members. I was reminded of the way some old poetry forms praise the conquests of a king or a great general on the battlefield. *Laugh* It feels almost spiritual.

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* Here is a twentieth birthday blessing-- — The poem starts strong and states its goal.

*Gift1* *Bullet* The way this blends a feeling of ancient tradition and modern fun. *Heart*

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* Young and old authors receive inspiration.. — An extra period found its way in here.

*Bullet* Incentives that encourage participation,
Encourage members to read and review;
— The repetition of "encourage" was a little jarring, and the second line seems to just repeat the content of the first. "Participation," on a writing site, will inevitably be about reading and reviewing.

*Bullet* Trinket, merit badges, gift points, — merit badges and gift points are plural here. For consistency, you'd need to make "trinket" plural, as well: trinkets

*Bullet* and awardcons: — awardicons (the "i" is missing).

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         The above are just the thoughts of a single reader. Please feel free to take any suggestions you find useful and discard any that don't work for you. This is a fun poem in tribute to the site. Thank you for sharing!

Write On!

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15
15
Review of I Write In 2020  
for entry "Revellars At Large
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, 💙 Carly - BLUE!!💙 !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         Hello! It's my pleasure to read and review your work as a fellow participant in "I Write." Befitting the birthday celebrations on WDC, your poem is twenty syllables rather than the usual twenty-four, and I enjoyed it.

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         The alliteration (rousing, rollicking revellers!) is lovely. This is a freeverse poem without any discernible rhyme or meter, but it was a quick, fun read. The content is straightforward, inviting the reader to take part in the delightful celebration—which is, again, very appropriate for the WDC 20th birthday celebrations.

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         I loved words like rollicking and rousing. You captured the exuberance of a party. In a few places, I felt that syllables were wasted or could have been put to better use to make this poem more unique. I'll point out a few of them below!

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* Take part, my friend. — I love that the poem invites readers to participate in the revelry!

*Gift1* *Bullet* The alliteration! *Heart*

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet*Revellars — Did you mean revellers?

*Bullet* rousing, rollicking revellers — I could never suggest changing this because I just love the sound of it, but revel is such a wonderful and wild word that I think it includes the concept of wild celebration that you portray with "rousing" and "rollicking." A revel isn't just a party, it's a boisterous (or "rousing") party. To revel is not just to celebrate, it's to do so delightedly. In that single word, you have so much energy and context, and instead of building more context on top of it to create an image with taste and sight and smell, many of the words in the poem (rousing, rollicking, delight) merely restate the definition of the prompt word.

*Bullet* do rise — In extremely short poems (in this case, an unimaginably brief 20 syllables) every single word counts, and any word that does not do more than one job can come across as weak. Here, "do" makes for a nice flow, but it adds nothing to the poem. (Revellers rise is just as effective—and more direct—than revellers do rise.)

*Bullet* cheerful delight — I mentioned that "delight" is included in the definition of "revel," but here, "cheerful" is also redundant. If a person is delighted, cheerfulness is assumed.

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         This is an enjoyable and engaging poem, but I wondered if some of the syllables could have been better used to give depth, breadth, and color to the celebration.

Write On!

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16
16
Review of Blinded by love  
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Sumojo !

         *Gift* Overall Thoughts
My first impressions of your story.

         Hello! I'm here as a fellow participant in "I Write," and it's my pleasure to review your lovely piece of flash fiction. I'll jump right in!

          — Character:

         I adored Kate's history and her obvious love for her mother and her worry that her parents wouldn't like Barry. That section drew me right in! Her clear appreciation for the book also made me like her! In just a couple places (I mention them below) I think some "telling" kept me a tiny bit distant from Kate when I wanted to be in her head, experiencing her thoughts and feelings. The story also jumped away from her perspective and gave visual descriptions that Kate couldn't have reasonably inferred, given her lack of sight. But overall, this is a fascinating, fun, and surprising story, and I think a bit of polish would make it even brighter.

          — Plot:

         The paragraph about how Kate lost her sight is very interesting, but it doesn't have any significance to the actual story. As a reader, I don't actually see Kate interacting with Mike in a way that shows his guilt; I wonder if that section could either be removed to offer some background and foreshadowing or be cut and "shown" to readers through interaction with Mike rather than being told. In a very long short story or a novel, the bit about Mike would be perfect, but in flash fiction and even shorter works, every word really does count, so this jumped out as distracting.

         The ending came as a surprise, but was also slightly jarring. Surprise endings always feel the most satisfying when they're foreshadowed. If you could foreshadow her brother and father's occupations and give hints to Barry's past, I think the surprise would feel powerful and earned.

          — Description/Style:

         I'm so impressed that you fit such a complex and fascinating story into so few words! I'm always in awe of effective flash fiction.

          *Gift* Digging a little deeper...
Here, I'll note anything that stood out.

*Bullet* The raised characters danced under her sensitive fingers as they traced the words. — What a beautiful and effective way to show Kate's experience, especially by using the sense of touch (one of the senses she can take full advantage of—fuller than I can, certainly) to place me firmly into her perspective. I'm so excited to enjoy the story through the smells, tastes, sensations, and sounds Kate experiences!

*Bullet* He was the last person Kate would ever see after he sprayed oven cleaner in her eyes when he was only six years old.
“I’m so sorry, Kate! “ He told her many times.
— It's unavoidable in a story that has such strict word requirements, but the paragraph about how she lost her sight felt a bit "telling" rather than showing. Ideally (if you had more words to spare!) I think it would be better to show Mike's regret and apology rather than telling us, or use the words this explanation takes to instead provide foreshadowing for the surprise and deepen characterization.

*Bullet* “He’s very protective of his little sis,” — Because this is the end of the dialogue, it needs to end with a period inside the quotation marks, not a comma.

*Bullet* She was often unsure about her choice of clothes. — This, again, feels like it's telling rather than showing. I wonder if the dialogue could show her uncertainty and lack of confidence in her ability to choose clothes so readers can engage more effectively with the story? The original excerpt was 15 words. I think you can show it with as many or fewer words, without exceeding your word count maximum for the contest with something like (sorry, this is off the top of my head):

Example: "D-do I match this time?" Kate forced a laugh. "No horrendous color combinations?" (13 words) — Something like this would show that she has mismatched her clothing before because of the use of "this time" and her nervousness (hopefully) shows in the dialogue and drags readers into her emotional experience rather than telling them about her lack of surety.

*Bullet* Kate hugged her mother. Taking her hand, she squeezed it. “He’s asked me to marry him,” she whispered. — I love how you so effectively show, with Kate's speech and actions, her love for her mother and her nervousness about how her family will receive Barry.

*Bullet* taking them and smelling their fragrance. — Because "fragrance" is a synonym for "smell," the phrase "smelling their fragrance" feels a bit redundant.

*Bullet* “I’ll pop them in some water. — I love the "voice" in this dialogue! With the fun use of the word "pop," it feels like a real person is talking. It gives me an insight into her mother's personality, and I'm a big fan.

*Bullet* “Don’t bother(,) Kate, — I was confused! The lack of comma made me wonder if they were talking to Barry and telling him not to bother Kate, but then I realized they were talking to Kate and telling her not to bother introducing Barry. If that's the case, nouns of direct address should be set off with commas on both sides for clarity.

*Bullet* He handed her a bunch of flowers.
The two men were peering under the open hood
Both turned
whose face paled
Mike grabbed Barry’s arm
— This story is told in Kate's POV. Because she can't see, these read as POV errors. Kate would not be able to see the flowers changing hands, her family standing over the car in their uniforms, Barry's face paling, or Mike's actions.

          *Gift* In Closing:
Final thoughts...

         Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read your work! It was a pleasure. This is only one reader's opinion, so feel free to take any comments you find useful and discard any that don't work for you!

Write On!

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17
17
Review of Elective  
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Dark Lady !

         *Gift* Overall Thoughts
My first impressions of your story.

         Hello! It took me a minute to get around to writing this review, but I finally did it! *Sob* I have enjoyed this story more than once, and it's a pleasure to finally have a moment to tell you that. I ran into a few questions as I was reading (and stumbled a bit over the delivery of the content I thought the story's premise implicitly "promised" to readers), but those were relatively minor things.

          — Character:

         Your protagonist is the best possible person to tell this story, I think. This is such a great glimpse into the strange and the beautiful.

          — Plot/Pacing:

         This was my biggest obstacle. Overall, this was a fascinating and compelling read, but for me, the promise of the premise in a story like this one is that we, as readers, will see what the protagonist values in vibrant color. We will understand, deeply, what is most beautiful to her. The mysterious (vampiric?) professor is a fascinating side character who adds intrigue and complication to the story, but like the premise, he is a vehicle to help your protagonist uncover/chronicle the "beauty" in her life. The opening promises the journey of the protagonist finding and capturing her "beauty" and also sets the professor up as a powerful authority figure—someone charismatic and mysterious, someone whose opinion matters. His challenge in the beginning implies/promises/foreshadows a confontation in the end, where her ability to capture the most beautiful thing in her life will be evaluated. I was very excited to see both of these things. You had scenes dedicated to both, which was excellent... but they felt slightly under-developed.

         For me, the story felt incomplete because it didn't quite deliver on its promises. I was waiting for the build to that emotional high, but instead, the story skimmed over the actual taking of the photographs and Professor Logan's response to it. I think I recognize this from last year's official contest prompt, which could easily be why things feel under-developed. 2,000 words isn't always enough to develop all the things a story needs.

         This may not be a story you ever want to revisit, but in case it's helpful, I think the third scene might benefit from some detail. I loved the series of fun natural images, but I hoped for a bit more emotional resonance in the picture-taking scene (vibrant, one-of-a-kind details that showed me how much she cared for Clara, Julie, and Tomás, and a bit more about who each was as a character, for example). Clara was briefly "on-screen" in another scene, but the picture-taking montage was the first time I got to "see" the other two, and I hoped for a fuller image. What makes your protagonist's relationship with these people so precious? I also longed for a bit more detail during the bit where she selects photos for her portfolio and a more pointed reaction from Professor Logan regarding her pictures. Without those things, the story felt slightly incomplete to me.

         On a minor note, the Ansel Adams quote felt like it was going to be quite significant—a peril of bringing such attention to it by making your protagonist have to seek it out after the picture failed to capture it—but the only nod to "making" the picture was in editing it after taking it, which felt a bit too little for all the build-up. (As always, this may simply be a matter of subjective experience and expectation, though.)

          — Description/Style:

         The writing is lovely. I enjoyed the POV of your protagonist as someone shoved unexpectedly into a much more complicated photography class than she had originally expected. Her concern about her memory loss and the requirements of the class made for great tension. It felt odd to me that the memory loss didn't get more attention, actually, but I really liked the question it created in the story.

          *Gift* Digging a little deeper:
If something special stood out at me, I'll note it here. Similarly, if a line distracted me or I ran into questions or issues while reading, I'll note it.

*Bullet* cold and dark when I got to school in the morning, and colder and darker before he started his "lecture." — I think I'm silly for stumbling here, but because there's an expectation that morning becomes progressively brighter moving toward the height of day, the reverse feels, to me, like it deserves some justification or description. (Is it stormy, I wonder?) If not, how does it become darker rather than brighter? The lack of light seems appropriate, of course, if all the traditional vampire rules still stand. Perhaps I'm jumping to the wrong conclusion here, but I definitely got the "vampire" impression from Professor Logan.

*Bullet*come back to another semester. — Slightly awkward phrasing, for me at least. Also, it seems odd that he'd advise coming back. This strikes me as a 100-level sort of class (your POV character expected easy credits) so I don't see how coming back next semester would help. If he won't teach them how a camera works, coming back to another one of his classes would yield the same results. Unless he instead wants them to take an intro to photography class with a different/more traditional professor who'd be willing to teach them tips and tricks?

*Bullet*"Are you quite sure?" — I love love love this as a scene ending! As I finished it, I was like, "That's such a strange way to end a scene! What an unusual place to fade out!" but then the next line came in, underlined that sense of oddness in an ingenious sort of way. Excellent!

*Bullet*"I'd have dropped it." — Unclear. Because the previous line has only a very tangential relationship to the class itself and is instead about the story of her first day, it's very hard to tell what the "it" is talking about. (Even the "of that class" two paragraphs before is the object of a prepositional phrase and, because of that, can't be the pronoun's antecedent. Rather, the "it" in the line, "I wrote [it] down" refers to the story of her odd first day, not the class itself, so it's difficult to understand where the line of dialogue comes from and what it refers to.

*Bullet*"By the time I tried, it was too late. — However, I love this as a complicating factor! My one obstacle—in my experience, folks can drop classes without issue for the first few weeks of a semester/term at least without any repercussions, financial or otherwise. I'm getting the impression that this story is being told to Clara not too long after that first class. How could it have been too late for your POV character to drop the class?

*Bullet*"I can't spend all week with Tomás and Julie at the lake house with nobody else to break the romance and laugh at them. — On the one hand, this is extremely relatable! *Laugh* On the other, the dialogue is missing a closing quotation mark.

*Bullet*Obviously, there would be more beauty in the natural surroundings that at our apartment, in town. — than?

*Bullet*I took pictures when Julie quietly hugged Tomás close to her. When they kissed like Clara and I weren't there. I took pictures of the gibbous moon and stars when everyone else was asleep. — I really enjoyed this whole litany-like list of the things she took pictures of. It painted an experience in still images, which I thought was lovely and appropriate for the topic of the story.

*Bullet*Because if that doesn't work, only silence will do. — For me, at least, the jump between sentences is too great. (Perhaps I've missed something important that was on the page, a reference to silence somewhere? Perhaps another quote that's not on the page) I'm not sure how silence directly opposes photography.... even though I really like this sentence. If it's a reference to something "off-screen," I wonder if having the reference/quote/idea on the page would make this scene ending more meaningful.

*Bullet*It was close to 2:00 am when his office door opened. — From without or within? I'm having difficulty imagining this, too. Not her desire to make sure the pictures got to him—that's totally reasonable!—but the particulars of the thing. Wouldn't the buildings be locked up by security, and wouldn't she have been found and urged to go home long before this—if not by security then by the faculty services employees, if the college had them? The professor would be able to come in at odd hours because I imagine he'd have a key for the building (though the fact that he'd be required to have office hours and make himself available to answer student questions complicates things; how does he deal with that, I wonder?) but I can't see the protagonist being allowed to stay. I also want a bit more detail here. Did she fall asleep on a chair? On the floor? How did she avoid getting ushered out?

*Bullet*I pushed myself to my feet. "I wanted to make sure you got my prints," I said.
He chuckled. "Who else?"
I was tired. "No one. I just wanted to make sure."
— I think I'm just slow. Who else what? Waited, wanted, got the prints?

*Bullet*I never knew which photo made the cut, but I did. An A, but not an easy one. — This is a wonderful ending to the story. A minor quibble. Grammatically, the "but I did" seems to say that she did (know which photo made the cut) and not that she did (have it covered). I misread it twice before realizing the intended meaning

          *Gift* In Closing:
Final thoughts...

         This is an excellent story. I have read it more than once with the intent of reviewing it, and I enjoyed it each time. Though I encountered some minor bumps with buildup and felt that it lacked some of the emotional resonance I was hoping for, it was still an excellent story, and the obstacles I encountered could be my own and not the story's. On a random note, I'm really loving that your stories deal with a sort of casual vampirism—the other(worldly) as a part of everyday life, not even odd enough to be remarked upon. I'm glad I had a chance to read this.

Write On!

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18
18
Review by Roseille ♥
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, ruwth !

         *Gift* Overall Thoughts
My first impressions of your story.

         Hello! *Heart* I'm here to read and review your journal entry as a fellow participant in "I Write." Reviewing blog entries is always a challenge for me because I don't feel right appending a rating to someone's thoughts and experiences, and this one, perhaps, will be more difficult than most, since it's a very short blog entry about not particularly wanting to blog.

         But I totally understand and can identify with the emotions expressed in this entry! I've been scrambling to catch up in "I Write" this month while trying to keep on top of work things, revise and complete a novel, and manage real life issues, and I always feel like I'm three steps behind. *Laugh* (Usually, it's because I am.) I think the note you made about writing an entry only when you feel ready to write is a good one, but it's unfortunate that it led to last-minute stress! I wish you the best with the challenge and hope you're able to end June on a strong note. You've got this!

          *Gift* Digging a little deeper...
Here, I'll note anything that stood out.

*Bullet* I enjoyed the conversational tone you set in this entry, but it did feel quite short. I almost wished I had a chance to linger a bit longer and learn a bit more.

          *Gift* In Closing:
Final thoughts...

         I just know you can finish the blogging challenge! *Delight* I'm cheering for you. Thank you for sharing this, and...

Write On!

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19
19
Review of Phoenix  
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Mastiff !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         Hello! I'm here to review your poem as a fellow participant in "I Write." This is an entertaining poem written to fill a challenging and restrictive form, but I enjoyed the freedom you found within the constraints of the form.

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         Poems with refrains can be quite difficult, because it's always important to give the refrain some extra layer as you repeat it. I like that the repeated line started out happy and carefree and ended up pleading and resigned. The car is broken down, but it's time to go out for a drive. I enjoyed the progression of the story in this poem.

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         I enjoyed the resigned personification of the car in these lines: Oh, old Firebird, didn’t you know? / It’s time to go out for a drive. The line that followed, about waiting for a tow, was absolutely perfect and made this quatrain my favorite out of all of them. There were a few awkward lines or confusing bits that caused me to pause. I'll mention those below.

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* Oh, old Firebird, didn’t you know?
It’s time to go out for a drive.
Instead... we’ll just wait for a tow.
*Heart*

*Gift1* *Bullet* It’s a wrecker, but no one cares!
It’s time to go out for a drive.
An excellent conclusion, perfect for the poem... and ironic because of the concept of a "phoenix" rising from the ashes. This firebird, at least, seems unlikely to rise again. *Laugh*

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* Wind in our face (faces) makes us feel cool.
While the sun warms up your insides.
Mixing to make us feel alive.
— Since you use the plural "our," the word "faces" should also be plural. In the following two lines, you use both "your" and "us," and I was a bit confused about who was being addressed. In the second quatrain, you use the universal you (your best ride), but in the third one, you directly address the car with "you," so I'm having a hard time figuring out whether "you" is the car, another passenger, or every reader of this poem. It confused me and drew me out of this otherwise entertaining poem.

*Bullet* There is simply one problem, when;
It’s time to go out for a drive.
— These lines proved very confusing, not least because of the semicolon, which implies that the first line is an independent/complete sentence. I wonder if removing the semicolon might help with clarity.

*Bullet* Repair is certain to threaten! — This line feels a bit awkwardly phrased. I understand that you may have chosen it to match/rhyme with "when" above it and include the required words from the prompt. Keep in mind that rhyme is based on accented syllables, so "when" and "threaten" don't rhyme, because only the first syllable of "threaten" is accented. So "Ken" rhymes with "when" and "wetten" rhymes with "threaten," but the two words don't rhyme with each other. This may well have been purposeful on your part, but I thought I'd mention it, just in case.

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         This is a fun poem! I stumbled in a few places, but it was a very good read overall. Thank you for sharing, and...

Write On!

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20
20
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, ruwth !

         *Gift* Overall Thoughts
My first impressions of your story.

         Hello! I'm here to review your work as a fellow participant in "I Write," and what a fun entry this is! I usually have difficulty reviewing/rating blog entries because I find it a challenge to apply a star rating to people's personal experiences, but I forgot all about that and fell head-first into this dramatic and enjoyable story. You have such a great narrative voice here!

          — Character/Plot:

         Haha, I'm using my fiction reviewing format here because you told this blog entry with all the skill of a fiction writer, so I'll apply the same sort of analysis to it. You, of course, were the narrator, but the narrative was alive with your voice, and setting up the "how you planned to spend the day" theme early on in the entry/story gave what actually happened something to contrast with.

         However, because Scroll was never mentioned in the "romanticized version of your day," the ending of the entry and the assertion that "the only REAL part of my plans that happened that day was I was on Scroll at midnight..." felt quite sudden. And this, of course, is entirely up to you, but the narrative was so compelling that I longed for a tiny bit more... some vibrant sensory description of exactly how sticky/gross the floor felt on bare feet, or description in detail of the struggles fitting the right pieces together over the better part of a day for that confounding futon... a little bit of a deeper dive into the unpleasantness to fulfill the expectations the first half of the entry creates with its ominous tone. *Laugh* But I do think that may just be me.

          — Description/Style:

         Your voice came through clearly in the story and created such a fun, engaging, and conversational tone. Excellent work.

          *Gift* Digging a little deeper...
Here, I'll note anything that stood out.

*Bullet* No typos jumped out at me! This seemed very well proof-read. If you so chose, I think a bit more detail and an acknowledgement of getting on Scroll as part of your "romanticized version" description could make the ending feel natural and consistent, but the story, as-is, is a wonderful read.

          *Gift* In Closing:
Final thoughts...

          Overall, this was a really fast and fun read. I certainly don't envy you the difficulties of moving into your dilapidated house, and I love that you include a list of links up at the top to familiarize readers with the details of your story. Thank you so much for sharing!

Write On!

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21
21
for entry "I Dreamed
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Prosperous Snow writing poetry !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         Hi! I'm here to review your poem as a fellow participant in "I Write." This is a short and straightforward poem, complete at only seven lines, and I love some of the imagery. I certainly do hope this was an actual dream you had. It sounds like a lovely one! In the end, I was left a bit at odds, as if the poem wasn't entirely finished. Because I think that's a very subjective experience, I'll explain why I felt that way below.

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         This is a very short freeverse poem that recounts a snippet of a dream. It has no rhyme or meter I can discern, but it flows very smoothly. At no point did I stumble over words. I'm not at all surprised. My reading experience when I interact with your work is always smooth.

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         You had some great images in this poem I especially like the first four lines, the unexpected and fun image of "[riding] a white Harley / through the gates of heaven." The "and there—" that makes up the fourth line is great. It builds interest and makes me curious what the poet/speaker sees.

         This is where the poem begins to feel slightly incomplete, but I think it's because of the type of poetry I tend to read and enjoy. For me, the poems I most enjoy end powerfully. The ending somehow lands harder than the opening image, or inverts it, or drives it home in a way that feels deeply meaningful. Instead, for me at least, the image of the joyous exaltation isn't nearly as strong as the image of riding into heaven on a white Harley, so the ending seems to fizzle and fade out rather than expand upon the rapturous joy of the dream in a way that feels a step above the first lines.

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* I dreamed
I rode a white Harley
through the gates of heaven,
— What a beginning!

*Gift1* *Bullet* and there-- — I'm a big fan of your effective enjambment in this poem. Both "I dreamed" and "and there--" standing alone create anticipation.

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* and there-- — Perhaps because this line does so effectively create anticipation, the lines that follow don't fully meet it, at least for me. I wonder if some more vibrant visual exploration of the "joyous exaltation" might change that.

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         This is a solid read and I enjoyed your line breaks and some fun and engaging imagery. The poem lacked weight for me, but no two people will read a poem the same way. Please feel free to take any comments that speak to you and discard the rest, and thanks for sharing your work!

Write On!

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22
22
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Tinker !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         Hello! It's a pleasure to read your work as a fellow participant in "I Write." As a fellow cat owner, I enjoyed reading this, and I could identify with some of it. We also have a cat who doesn't purr. Instead, she screams. When she's not screaming, she makes these little truncated "eep" noises. I guess it's kind of a lie to say she never purrs. She did when she was a kitten, but as she grew, she stopped. Now, every once in a while, she'll settle in next to the dog, nurse his leg, and purr for him. But she never purrs for human contact. We always thought it was unusual, but it's nice to read about another cat who doesn't purr.

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         This poem is freeverse with no meter I can discern, but it flows wonderfully. I enjoyed the surprise bit of rhyme with "prey / today" and the flow of "purr / heard." In just a few places, I was drawn out of the poem. I'll talk about why below.

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         I love the surprising language and imagery. I especially enjoyed "and a lizard head left behind." It's gloriously unexpected and creates a distinct image and is absolutely something a cat would do. I really loved seeing all those evocative sound-based words like scuffle, flutter, peep, smack, and roar. I not only saw but heard this poem. The final stanza is the perfect ending. There's plenty of sound in the poem, but I love how the final line contrasts the silence of the cat's purrs with her predatory yowl and speaks to her nature and personality.

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* with the mighty ROAR
of the hunter she was born to be.
— What a perfect ending! *Heart*

*Gift1* *Bullet* I've heard it twice today.
— I love the structure of the poem, the way it starts with the introduction and then goes back to relate for readers both times the poem's narrator heard the loud meow.

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* on the livingroom floor. — A very minor thing—I think the underlined word should be two words.

*Bullet* next the smacking of tongue on lips — I'm having difficulty visualizing this. I've always thought of smacking as a sound created by the lips, not the tongue.

*Bullet* I intervened but too late to save it
but early enough to prevent
— I got the impression that the first "but" is an extra word and could be removed, perhaps?

*Bullet* The silent kitty who doesn't purr, — This is entirely a matter of taste, but "silent" doesn't seem to be entirely appropriate and also feels redundant. "Doesn't purr" directly follows it and is more specific than "silent," so I'm not sure the word is necessary. In addition, you make it clear with the ROAR in the following lines that this isn't a silent cat at all.

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         This is a sweet and entertaining poem, one I enjoyed and could identify with. Cats all have such vibrant and distinct personalities. *Laugh* Thank you for sharing this poem! I enjoyed reading it.

Write On!

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23
23
Review by Roseille ♥
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Jeff !

         *Gift* Overall Thoughts
My first impressions of your work.

         I'm here to review your blog entry as a fellow participant in "I Write"! As always, I find it hard to rate blog entries. How is a person supposed to evaluate them? Grammar and syntax? Engagement? Agreement? I have no idea, but this was well-written, thoughtful, and interesting to read. It showed growth and ended with determination, and it was an interesting window into the life and thoughts of the blogger.

         I'm a millennial who grew up in the 90s with no participation trophies (small town school; the rule on the playground was not to bother the teacher unless there was blood, barf, or broken bones *Laugh*), no electricity, and no running water in a single-parent household. I worked my way through all four years of college to cover my tuition, and with the horrific and grossly inflated tuition costs nowadays, I know I'm lucky. I have a lot of thoughts on my generation and won't bother you with them here, but from the folks I've spoken to who got the participation trophies, I've heard a lot about how meaningless they were, even when the kids received them. Kids are sharp and know when they're being coddled and fooled: if everyone is special, then no one at all is particularly special.

          *Gift* In Closing:
Final thoughts...

         Thank you for sharing your thoughts and relevant experiences on this topic! It's always valuable to read about experiences different from my own.

Write On!
24
24
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Tinker !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         Hello! It is, as always, a pleasure to follow you in "I Write"! I've gotten behind on nearly everything on WDC, lately, while trying to make sweeping revisions to a novel I've been working on, and I fried my brain in the process, but reading your work brings me joy. As soon as I saw that you'd posted in "I Write," I hurried to read your work, and here I am to review it. This is a lovely poem about a painting, and I like that you include the painting so readers can enjoy both the poem and the art! It's such an interesting contrast, in these times, that you chose an image of humanity peacefully packed close with bare faces! *Laugh* It's nearly unimaginable in these times.

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         This freeverse poem has no meter or traditional rhyme that I can discern, but you make generous use of poetic devices like alliteration, assonance and consonance. The poem flows nicely together; I didn't run into any places that lacked clarity. I really loved how the sounds in "master's" subtly echoed the internal rhyme in "romance and dance" above it. The culinary symbolism seems very appropriate, because those words were delicious to read!

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         It's really fun that you chose to add another layer to the poem by comparing the painting to a pastry with humanity as the cream filling! That brought a smile. I love that you used words like "rich" and "layered" to evoke a culinary feeling.

         I stumbled a bit in the final lines, which include, "plated with a master's / stroke." For some reason, it took me several reads to realize it was this symbolic pastry being plated. I was thinking of a different sort of plating (like gold-plating)! It may have to do with the distance between this culinary term and the last, which came several lines before it. (Three full lines without any culinary references I could discern set me up to expect artistic and not culinary terms, which could be why I read "plating" wrong.) Even now that I know what it means now, I had a moment of pause trying to figure out how one can plate something with a master's "stroke." This is likely only an obstacle for me, but I wanted to mention it, just in case.

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* "mille feuille", a thousand leaves,
rich with the cream of humanity gathered close,
*Heart*

*Gift1* *Bullet* layered with the intimacy from a touch, an embrace,
the crush of a crowd
— I love the language, and the alliteration is also a great touch!

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* the crush of a crowd where one must lean
in to converse and listen to words spoken
over music played for romance and dance.
— I'm not even sure if it needs it, but a word or two in this stretch of lines that hint subtly at the "pastry" aspect of the poem might be helpful.

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         A lovely poem, multi-layered and sweet on the tongue! Thank you so much for writing and sharing it. *Delight*

Write On!

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25
25
Review of Purple Dragon  
Review by Roseille ♥
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Sumojo !

         *Paragraph* Overall +/- :
My thoughts on the piece as a whole...

         Hello! I'm here to review your work as a fellow participant in "I Write." This is a sweet, fun poem aimed at children, and I think it's very effective! I encountered some small typos, punctuation errors, and issues with flow, but the bones of the poem are wonderful and the topic made me smile. I can just imagine reading this to children. I think they'd love it!

         *Gift* Rhythm & Flow:
Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount.

         This is consistently rhymed ABCB, and you have a lovely and energetic rhythm to this poem! It's fun and bright and lyrical, and it was a joy to read. In a few places, the flow faltered; it felt like some sentences were flipped or forced to make them fit the rhyme or meter.

         *Gift* Language & Word Choice:
Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters.

         The wording, appropriately for a poem aimed at children, was mostly very straightforward. You used color words and fun descriptors to give the dragon life, and I can certainly identify with a dragon who steals candy. Lovely work! One small thing I noticed was a repetition in rhyme: you used the word "creep" twice as a rhyme—to the words "deep" and "heap," respectively.

         *Paragraph* Things I liked *Thumbsupl* :
Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.

*Gift1* *Bullet* “I love you little dragon
with your crown upon your head.
*Heart*

*Gift1* *Bullet* “You naughty purple dragon”
Sarah suddenly did cry
“You’ve eaten all my candy
And my favourite apple pie.”
*Laugh*

         *Paragraph* Suggestions:
Take them with a grain of salt.

*Bullet* go.searching for some candy — A period sneaked in!

*Bullet* One night did Sarah wake
[...]
so out of bed did creep.
— This is an example of the awkward/forced phrasing I mention above. The last line, more than awkward, is unclear. Who or what crept out of bed is cut from the sentence.

*Bullet* “You naughty purple dragon(,)
Sarah suddenly did cry
— Punctuation: to properly punctuate the dialogue, there needs to be a comma inside the quotation marks. I'd suggest a period after "cry" as well.

*Bullet* “I’m sorry, Sarah,(") he did say,
please don’t so angry be.”
— Missing quotation mark. The underlined section reads as forced.

*Bullet* and whispering she said, — Hmm... I know it needs to be there for the rhyme, but the underlined section feels superfluous, since "whispering" is already a way of "saying."

*Bullet* you will live upon my bed — Up until now, the final lines have almost exclusively been six syllables, so this one stands out a bit. I suggest: you'll live upon my bed

         *Paragraph* In Closing:
Any final thoughts...

         Thank you for sharing this fun poem! I enjoyed reading it. I hope some of my comments may be useful, but please feel free to discard any that don't work with your vision for this poem. I encountered some issues while reading, but overall, I think this is an effective story poem with a sweet ending.

Write On!

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