|Hi, Bspr2020 !
My first impressions of your story.
Hello and Welcome to WDC! I took a peek at your bio, and it looks like you're 17 years old or so? I think that's really cool. When I joined the site, I was 14, and it was the best decision I ever made. The Writing.Com community offered such excellent and helpful feedback and helped me grow so much as a writer. It's a blessing to be here as a young writer, and I wish you every success.
I want to start off by saying I'm impressed with your writing. It may feel like I'm being a bit tough, at times, but it's my ultimate goal to be honest and encouraging. Anyway, back when I joined, I know the biggest thing I wanted was honesty. I wanted people to treat my writing as writing so I could learn and grow. I respect your work and want to offer you the same courtesy.
Feel free to ask if you have any questions, and, again, welcome to the website! I hope it brings you as much joy as it has brought me.
I don't know much about your character because she knows nothing about herself (which is really cool, actually), so it's difficult to fill out this section. However, I'm interested in her story because there is clearly a lot going on in the world. I love that she is so confused, because it makes me feel close to her; I'm just as clueless as she is, which makes me interested in discovering the answers alongside her.
Some strong, specific descriptions of her actions could help me learn more about her and feel closer to her. Sometimes the language feels vague and "tells" me about the world when I want it to show me. I will point out some examples of that below.
This is an unfinished short story, so it's difficult to comment on plot, but I think you have a very strong hook here. You've done exactly what a story should do: you've created questions in my mind. Why is your main character not affected by whatever is making these other people wear hazmat suits? What are the horrible things she encounters when she wakes? What has happened to the world? They're all great questions to have, and they make me interested in reading on.
You have some excellent, interesting, and emotional events going on. I enjoyed your descriptions, but in some places, I think it may help to be more specific and make use of vibrant imagery.
Shifts from present tense to past tense throughout the story and the fact that the story was written all in a single, gigantic paragraph made it a bit difficult to read. I think breaking it up into paragraphs will make the story more appealing and easier to consume.
Digging a little deeper...
Here, I'll note anything that stood out.
Patterns to watch out for: Tense shifts (present to past), Telling rather than showing, excessive dialogue tags. — I'll talk in more detail about each of these things below!
Where am I? The grass was black — You start in the present tense, which I love! Present tense makes things feel more immediate. It's good for emotional stories and horror, because your reader is reading the story "in the now"! I think present tense if a good choice for this story... but I'm not 100% sure if you meant to choose it, because the story switches back and forth between present tense and past tense every sentence, and sometimes in the middle of sentences. If you wanted this to be in present tense, it should be, Where am I? The grass is black [...]
I have no idea how I got here but I know I needed to leave. — Some more tense issues. To correct to present tense, you'd need to write, I have no idea how I got here but I know I need to leave.
As I'm walked outside, I realized there are — tense issue: realized should be realize
no people out beside a group — this should probably be "besides." If you use "beside," it makes it seem like you mean "next to" instead of "other than."
Whatever they're doing comes to a halt once I walked past, immediately they rushed to surround me. — Walked should be walks, to fit with the present tense. The part after the comma is what's called a comma splice. Comma splices are cousins of run-on sentences. In a run-on, two sentences are smashed together with no period or other punctuation. For example: She walked she listened to music. A comma splice is when two sentences are shoved together with inadequate punctuation—a comma is almost but not quite strong enough to join them! For example: She walked, she listened to music. Because these are two full, independent sentences with subjects and verbs, they need really strong punctuation like a period or semicolon to join them. You could fix them by doing something like:
She walked. She listened to music.
She walked; she listened to music.
She walked and listened to music.
The comma in the sentence from your story should be replaced with a period or semicolon. As in the third example above, though, you can also add a conjunction (examples: for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) after the comma, which would also work.
"How are you out here without a mask and protective gear?" one of the workers asked. — You create a great mystery with these opening sentences, but keep in mind that dialogue by a new speaker should start a new paragraph every time.
The rest of the group started to stare at me nervously. — I love the continuing tension! Keep in mind that, to really drop readers into your world, it's often best to give a short, vivid description that shows nervousness rather than telling it. How is their nervousness clear? Do the others back away from her and raise their hands as if to block a blow? Maybe they wince or narrow their eyes? Sometimes, adverbs like "nervously" are effective, but at the start of a story, when you really want to drop readers right into the action, it's best to use vibrant description.
I had no idea what they were talking about and so I tried to push past them — Such excellent interpersonal tension and continuing mystery! One small comment: "had no idea what they were talking about" is good stuff, but you might consider getting even more direct with it and dropping us right into your character's head. For example, you started the story with "where am I?" which is a great example of what is called "Deep Point-of-view"! It's called deep POV because it puts you deep into the main character's head and makes it easier to care for the character. If you changed this line to deep POV, I think it could be stronger. For example, something like, They're not making any sense. I try to push past. That way, the character's thoughts are part of the narrative.
"What are you doing let me go?" I said anxiously, still trying to get away. — Each line of dialogue should start a new paragraph. Also, I don't think you need the tag, "I said anxiously." Your dialogue is lovely and already shows me that she is anxious. A small note on the dialogue. I think a piece of punctuation may me missing. Perhaps it should be: "What are you doing? Let me go!" I like "still trying to get away." If you wanted to be more specific, you can replace it with more specific information telling me how she's trying to get away. Is she clawing at their suits? Punching them? Kicking or cursing? Trying to elbow them?
another worker demandingly blared. — "blared" is already a strong and demanding word. I don't think "demandingly" is necessary.
"I don't even know where I am, how am I supposed to know?" I stated. — Keep in mind that not every piece of dialogue needs a dialogue tag like "he said/she whispered/he murmured." Actually, in published fiction, action tags are becoming more common! Action tags are descriptions of what the character is doing. For example: "I don't even know where I am, how am I supposed to know?" I wrench my arm away from him and stumble back a step. The "action" description helps readers visualize the movement in the story and keeps things moving. Here, you use "stated," but that word seems strangely calm and neutral for the tense and frightening situation. (Also, here and in many of the examples above, note that you're continuing to use past tense instead of present tense. Present tense of stated would be state.
They all gave each other looks and nods to one another, I felt one of them move closer behind me and put their hand on mouth. Slowly my mind fogs and soon I lost consciousness. — Tense issues. To remain in present tense, this should be: They all give each other looks and nod to one another. I feel one of them move closer behind me and put their hand on mouth. Slowly my mind fogs and soon I lose consciousness. This is an issue throughout the story. I will only point out some examples so I'm not overwhelming you, but if you have trouble changing tenses, let me know!
I finally realized that my eyes were closed, and I opened them to a sight, unlike anything I had ever seen before. — Comma after "sight" is not necessary. I like the implied tension in the sentence, but it's more emotional and immediate to show the main character's reaction. This is off the top of my head and I know you can do better, but here's an example: I finally realize that my eyes are closed, and I blink them open. Immediately, I wish I hadn't. My stomach twists, heart beating a mad tune in my chest. That way, readers don't need to be told it's a sight your character hasn't seen before. In her fear and the beat of her heart, they understand that she hasn't seen anything like it before, and the vivid descriptions put them in the reader's shoes.
It was so terrifying and then finally my eyes landed on something so horrifying and disturbing it was an animal if you can even call it that. — I'm loving the horror here, but I think this is another place where it might be more effective to show rather than tell.
Suddenly made a noise from the side of the room where the dog/deer/elephant creature was. — What sort of noise? I think you can add to the emotion with specificity.
You've got a solid start to this and a clearly interesting idea! With some polishing, I think it could shine much brighter. I enjoyed reading it, and I hope my feedback is useful. Thank you for sharing, and...