Greetings Gracelin crys,
I really liked the way you wrote this...The image that looked back at her had creamy white skin, flawed only by the sprinkling of freckles across her nose and cheeks that she was forever trying to get rid of. She had a delicate mouth and bright blue eyes that sparkled in the light of the full moon that shone through the window. Her straight nose and arched brows gave her a look of arrogance that wasn’t there.
Very nice! Also this part "The features were all there, defined jaw and cheek bones, full lips, a slightly crooked nose that held evidence of being broken on more than one occasion. It was hard not to remember the lean muscles that were visible under his shirt, along with the broadness of his shoulders, and narrowness of his waist. But what left her with little doubt that it was really him was the deep green eyes, the same eyes that she had seen in her dream countless times. They held the same secrets, the same agony, the same depth. Great attention to detail! Overall I enjoyed reading this. I hope the following will help you improve it.
1. This sentence is hard for me to read,"This night, her best friend, June Allian, had planned the better part of two weeks ago, when she had first heard from her cousin about the goings on in the ‘back of town.’"
perhaps you could split the sentence in two. for example;About two weeks ago her best friend, June Allian, confided in her something that her cousin told her about what went on in the 'back of town'. They both agreed then that they would attend the next event on this very night!
2.Spelling error in “Oh, don’t be ridicules.” should be Ridiculous
3. Consider revising “Indians!” June had sounded thrilled at the prospect, bouncing on her bed as if a girl at Christmas" to “Indians!” June had sounded thrilled at the prospect, bouncing on her bed like a little girl at Christmas.
4. Typo in " Where [i}was June?"
5. This sentence seems awkward "Crystal crawled into the wagon, it was loaded with hay and smelled strongly of horse manure, and perched herself on the edge". Perhaps you could write it this way,"Crystal crawled into the wagon and perched herself on the edge. It was loaded with hay and smelled strongly of horse manure.
6. You need a comma splice after the word "said" in this sentence " “Hold on.” June said seeming amused by Crystal’s uncomfortable position".
7. comma splice after "emotion" in "Irritated at her weak display of emotion she harshly wiped them away.
8. Double negative in "“Yes, well...no...but...I ... I'm not sure.” Crystal was stumbling all over herself, not knowing whether or not to trust him.
Consider revising to “Yes, well...no...but...I ... I'm not sure.” Crystal was stumbling all over herself, not knowing if she could trust him.
Best wishs, croaton
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