*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/crocedelizia
Review Requests: OFF
12 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I first and foremost look at the quality and ideas of the work, focusing on how clear the work is and the meaning behind. Emotion and imagery are important to me and I can help you clarify them within your work. I then move onto the technical components of the work, diction, word choice, literary elements within the work before finally finish with grammar. I will not pull punches with my review, everything that I write I honestly feel, but I will not be rude, I will be honest to you and I honestly want to help you improve your writing.
I'm good at...
Diction, Imagery, the flow of the work, I am good at looking at work and discussing the technical components that you need to improve your work and organize your ideas. I also good at working properly articulate your ideas or further your ideas only and make more complex.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Dark, Emotional, Inspirational, Drama, Erotica, Gothic, or imagery based works
Least Favorite Genres
Mystery, Fanfiction, Biographical, Career or business
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, poems, verse, lyrics, drafts, essays
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters, books, longer works that need multiple readings
I will not review...
As said above, longer works that are parts of other works, such as chapters will be rejected.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Tremante
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Dear Ben Garrick,
Interesting work. The tone and diction of your text seems contradictory to what your story was about. When I first read through your story, it felt like a was reading a doctor's email (no offense), the diction was so advanced and clinical. It seems to completely contradict the nature of your story and although at first I was confused, upon re-reading it, I find it interesting and it appealing. However, I find that the majority of your work can be significantly shortened. While giving background and introducing the nature of the story and the character is important, there gets the point when it becomes too much. You intro gets right to the edge of that. In terms of the story itself, however, I liked it, although I did not expect to. I would like to read another short story about this character just so I could get a better grasps of his nature.

In terms of grammar and awkward sentence structure :

1.) You have several run-on sentences that are in need of unpacking and breaking down. This will help you with making the work a more fluid read and cut down on wordiness.
Example in your work:
It was late afternoon and in August the urban canyons were holding the heat, to say nothing of the mugginess from the surrounding waters that all of Michigan is blessed with.

Instead try this:
It was late afternoon, and in August the urban canyons were holding the heat. This is to say nothing of the mugginess of the surrounding water that Michigan is blessed with.

My suggestion to you would be to go back to the work and take a look at the words that seem to repeat, or seem unnecessary. Think, "do I really need this word here to say what I mean?" Also, look at adjectives, this often the case of wordiness and can be deleted unless you are trying to suggest meaning in your work.

2.) You also need commas in several of your sentences to break up incomplete clauses.

Example in your work: " In fact , I bought two Cokes , since I was thirsty enough to drain one bottle while waiting to pay, delate comma here and had to go back for another one"

Suggestion: read your work out loud, keep an open mind towards things you might find awkward sounding or too wordy. Go back and look at each sentence, taking note of sentences structure and grammar.
The meaning and nature of your story is great, but if you don't work on the "smaller" details, it distracts and hurts your work. Improving your sentences structure can really help advance your work.

~Tremante





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Life Path 7  
Review by Tremante
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi 'Shley,
This is a solid poem and I can feel the emotion behind it. However, the meaning is unclear in some ways. You seem to shift your viewpoint from a love poem at the first stanza and ending at your father. This seems like an internal dialogue that you wrote out in poetry form, which is intriguing, however, I terms of clarity I would go back and add some more details so the reader can understand. I also would suggest some variation in the word choice. You use repetition, which is great in songs, but not when it is the next sentence. If you want to use repetition, try to space it out a bit or vary the lines.

Good work,
Tremante
3
3
Review of Love You More  
Review by Tremante
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi Micah, I liked your poem, it was very emotional and sweet. I loved the feeling behind your poem. However, I would say, that the poem needs a lot of editing, particularly in terms of capital letters, spelling and other technical aspects. All and all, it felt less like a poem and more like a love letter, which is beautiful in its own way, however, if you wish it to be a poem it does have to follow a certain standard. The felt like a rough draft, so I would suggest going back and fixing the technical problems. Keep up the good work.
4
4
Review of Banished  
Review by Tremante
Rated: E | (1.0)
I could tell that this was a very rough draft that was just you spilling your thoughts. In order to better your writing, I would suggest making an outline of where you want to go with your story. There were a lot of details missing that made it difficult to follow. There were also many mistakes that had to do with diction and punctuation that stall the flow of your work and make it difficult to understand. If you want to clear up your work, the best way of doing so is to read your work aloud, this will help you notice where the problems are and you can go back and reorganize your sentences. In terms of writing skills, I would visit this site: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/section/1/
This is a college website that will give you some basic skills in writing and editing that can help you in your work.
Keep working at it, although I could not give this the best rating because it was a very rough work, if you keep at it and clarify your thoughts, I'm sure it will be a great story.
5
5
Review of Until We Met  
Review by Tremante
Rated: E | (2.0)
I liked your poem, it was nice and emotional. However, I would have to say that I would recommend incorporating some more variation in the lines. Using "until we met" over and over, makes the poem become a bit bland, since this is not lyrics it would be prudent to try expressing the same feelings but with different wording. You had a little at the end, but I would try " Now that you are here" "Since you noticed me" "Now that we have spoken". I would also suggest elaborating or trying more complicated diction, because the work does seem unoriginal.
5 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/crocedelizia