|Dear Ben Garrick,
Interesting work. The tone and diction of your text seems contradictory to what your story was about. When I first read through your story, it felt like a was reading a doctor's email (no offense), the diction was so advanced and clinical. It seems to completely contradict the nature of your story and although at first I was confused, upon re-reading it, I find it interesting and it appealing. However, I find that the majority of your work can be significantly shortened. While giving background and introducing the nature of the story and the character is important, there gets the point when it becomes too much. You intro gets right to the edge of that. In terms of the story itself, however, I liked it, although I did not expect to. I would like to read another short story about this character just so I could get a better grasps of his nature.
In terms of grammar and awkward sentence structure :
1.) You have several run-on sentences that are in need of unpacking and breaking down. This will help you with making the work a more fluid read and cut down on wordiness.
Example in your work:
It was late afternoon and in August the urban canyons were holding the heat, to say nothing of the mugginess from the surrounding waters that all of Michigan is blessed with.
Instead try this:
It was late afternoon, and in August the urban canyons were holding the heat. This is to say nothing of the mugginess of the surrounding water that Michigan is blessed with.
My suggestion to you would be to go back to the work and take a look at the words that seem to repeat, or seem unnecessary. Think, "do I really need this word here to say what I mean?" Also, look at adjectives, this often the case of wordiness and can be deleted unless you are trying to suggest meaning in your work.
2.) You also need commas in several of your sentences to break up incomplete clauses.
Example in your work: " In fact , I bought two Cokes , since I was thirsty enough to drain one bottle while waiting to pay, delate comma here and had to go back for another one"
Suggestion: read your work out loud, keep an open mind towards things you might find awkward sounding or too wordy. Go back and look at each sentence, taking note of sentences structure and grammar.
The meaning and nature of your story is great, but if you don't work on the "smaller" details, it distracts and hurts your work. Improving your sentences structure can really help advance your work.