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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dave92706
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Review by Dave92706
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
Jeff,
I like beans too but not quite sure someone would faint seeing there were no beans in their cupboard? The sentence makes little sense at all. Jeff ran and ran for hours then arrived at his neighbor's door which was 10 meters away? I'm not getting this at all. First sentence started out good but then the story starts to fall apart. Try narrating the story a little like....
The morning sun glared through the blinds waking Jeff from a restful sound sleep. He dressed, then went downstairs to start the day by eating his favorite breakfast food....canned beans. Shock was written across his face seeing his cupboard devoid of his favorite food. Unable to comprehend the shear horror of not eating beans for breakfast made Jeff almost comatose staring into the empty cupboard.
This is how I would have liked to see the story line where it leads up to his discovery and the shock added in. Keep writing your story and we'll see the humor of a guy who can't live without his beans like farting on first date with the hottest girl in school ..... just adding to your storyline...LOL. There are spelling errors and jeff should always start with a capital letter.



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