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Review by K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Simplest way is probably just to post a pronunciation key. For my protagonist I found an excuse for someone to ask when they saw his name written but if you're going to be building around a lot of less obvious pronunciations making a posted index on the names/words and how to say them would be the most out of the way to not break immersion. Admittedly I did read the name as Erin also.
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Review by K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Sometimes less is more, but too little is too little. Expanding just a tad might help like,
"Unaware that far away, the city of <name>" As it reads it leaves me wondering, is it THE city? Or just any city? Is it significant in some way besides currently experiencing slaughter? Adding as little as a name would help anchor it as a story point like how you referenced the moon as a figure.

Then around this bit:
Only screams were heard—raw and human.
And laughter of the winged Sathrine—cold and inhumane.

It's generally considered poor form to start a sentence with 'And' so maybe try meshing it with the preceding sentence with a few word juggles like

Only screams were heard—raw and human.
Screams and the cold, inhumane laughter of the winged Sathrine.

Lastly (and this is strictly my personal preference and I may be an outlier) too many commas or breaks in a sentence can make it feel choppy to read. Don't be afraid to let the words fly and have the atmosphere sell itself without trying to add too much tension through punctuation. On that note though it might work if contained to a brief intro, hard to gauge how it will sit without a following body of text to compare your style to... So I guess you'll just have to post more. :q
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